Getting to Happy (19 page)

“Right on, Bernie,” Robin says.

“What’s a progressive dinner party?” Savannah asks.

“I knew you were going to ask. It’s a party where each course is eaten at a different person’s home.”

“What’s the point?” Robin asks.

Bernie lets out a long sigh. “It’s a very cool way of spending time with friends and meeting new people.”

“Then let’s have one of those!” Robin says.

“Yeah, since we’re trying to come up with something interesting to do,” Savannah says.

“I need a lot more time to plan it in order to do it right. And before you ask, Savannah, it’s not like a frigging potluck, okay? I’d put a different spin on it. Come up with a kick-ass menu, send invitations to you guys, who in turn would invite a friend or two—folks the rest of us don’t know: in our case, a few single friends wouldn’t hurt. Anyway, I don’t have it all figured out, so let’s talk more about it another time.”

“Sounds like it could be hecka fun,” Robin says.

“Sure does. I’m game,” Savannah says.

“Okay,” Robin says. “This may sound like a stupid question, but when was the last time anybody went to the Grand Canyon?”

“I am not going to anybody’s Grand Canyon,” Savannah says. “I’ve been a million times with Paul Bunyan. I could probably give tours.”

“I always got carsick,” Bernadine says. “Think of something else.”

“How about going to a casino?” Robin asks.

“And get lung cancer?” This is Savannah.

“I agree. You can’t breathe in those places let alone talk,” Bernadine says.

“Who said anything about talking?” Robin asks. “Oh, never mind. How about a spa?”

“That would be kind of insulting to Gloria,” Savannah says.

“She hasn’t even found a place yet,” Robin says.

“Look, Robin, why can’t we just go to a cool restaurant and have a good meal?” Bernadine asks.

“You mean like dinner?”

“Yeah, and we could use like a knife and fork, too,” Savannah says.

“You go straight to hell.”

The three of them laugh.

“We need to get Gloria in on this conversation. It doesn’t feel right excluding her,” Bernadine says.

“I just thought of something!” Savannah says. “I can call her on my cell and put her on speaker.”

And she does. There’s no answer.

“She’s probably asleep,” Bernadine says. “Call her back in a few minutes.”

“I will. Oh, by the way, girls, the station won an award for best news program and I got one for the show I did on teen pregnancy.” Savannah continues to dial Gloria’s number over and over, hoping it’ll get on her nerves and she’ll pick up.

“You got a what?” Bernie asks.

“An award.”

“Why didn’t you tell anybody?” Bernie asks.

“I didn’t think you guys would be interested in coming to the dinner. They’re pretty boring.”

“Let us be the judge of that,” Robin says. “I already told you how good I thought the program was.”

“I Tivo’d it,” Bernadine says. “I’m embarrassed to say I haven’t watched it yet. But I will!”

“What in the world are you huzzies talking about?” Gloria asks. “And why are you all calling me so late?”

“It’s only ten o’clock, so wake your old ass up,” Savannah says.

“Savannah got an award for the show she did about the rise in teenage pregnancy in Arizona and didn’t tell any-damn-body,” Bernadine says.

“Oh, I saw it. And so did everybody at Oasis. It was on target and right on time. But I told you that, Savannah. I need to splash some cold water on my face. I’ll be right back.”

“And be quick about it!” Savannah yells, loud enough for her to be heard in another room.

“Stop being so bossy,” Bernadine says. “And the next time you get honored for anything be considerate and give your friends a heads-up.”

“I will. It’s not like I get them all the time.”

“Speaking of being awarded and not to change the subject but I’m changing the subject: How long before your divorce is final?” Bernadine asks. “Or are you keeping that a secret, too?”

“July first.”

“And how do you know the exact date?” Robin asks.

“Because I agreed to give him an extra couple of months so he’d have time to get health insurance coverage.” Of course she was lying about this. She also didn’t feel like explaining how the divorce process works in Arizona.

“Well, that was awful nice of you,” Bernadine says.

“I’m just glad you guys aren’t acting like they did in
War of the Roses
,” Robin says. “Want us to come to court with you?”

“It’s not fun,” Bernadine says. “I’ll be there for you.”

“Thanks, you guys, but it’s not going down like that. We’ve signed the papers, agreed to the terms, so we don’t even have to be there.”

“Get the hell outta here,” Bernie says. “Times have sure changed.”

“What are you gonna do about your house?” Robin asks.

“Live in it.”

“Isn’t it like creepy being in there all by yourself?” she asks.

“Why would it be creepy?”

“You’re up there in those dark hills with wild animals everywhere.”

“I live up here in these same hills and the only time I’ve ever been afraid was right after . . . never mind. Anyway, I’ve never been bitten or eaten by any wild animals, Robin.”

“Wait a second. Savannah, does it sound like Bernie is slurring?”

“I was just thinking the same thing. Are you over there hitting the bottle?”

“No! And I’m not slurring. I’m tired.”

“From doing what?” Savannah asks.

“I’ve been running around all day.”

“Well, join the rest of the real world,” Savannah says. “You’re on something. What is it?”

“I’m not
on
anything.”

“We can hear it in your voice. I don’t know who you think you’re fooling.”

“Okay, so I took half a Xanax.”

“And we’re supposed to believe that? Come on, Bernie,” Savannah says.

“You can’t still be taking those things,” Robin says.

“Not all the time.”

“What made you take it? What are you nervous about?” Robin asks.

“Nothing.”

“Aren’t those things addicting?” Robin asks.

“Why’re you taking them? What are you so stressed about?” Savannah asks.

“Nothing.”

“Then why’d you take it?”

“To relax. Sometimes I feel anxious.”

“Don’t we all? What are you anxious about that you need to take a pill to relax?”

They hear Gloria snoring.

“Gloria! Wake your butt up!” Robin yells. “We didn’t even know you were back on the phone.”

“I have to get up early,” she utters.

“And do what? We know not to do anybody’s hair.”

“I’m having a mammogram.” Gloria is not telling the truth. Her mammogram is a week from now. She just needed a good excuse to go back to sleep.

“When was the last time you had one?” Robin asks Gloria.

“Last year around this time.”

“Has anybody had a colonoscopy or bone density test yet?” Savannah asks.

“I haven’t,” Bernadine says, grateful the focus has shifted away from her. Again.

“I know I should, and I will, but I haven’t,” Gloria admits.

“Well, they say by the time we turn fifty, we make more trips to the doctor than anywhere else. I had a colonoscopy last year, and drinking that nasty stuff was the worst. You have to go like there’s no tomorrow, but you don’t remember a thing about the procedure. And it can save your life.”

“A lot of things can,” Bernadine says.

“Well, I don’t have to have another one for ten years, hallelujah. It’s almost time for my annual everything, which I usually do around my birthday so I don’t forget—which you guys all know is October fourteenth. As a little reminder I’ll accept any and all gifts, small and large, preferably large.”

“That means we should look at fourteens, then, huh?”

“Divorce fat sneaks up on you, Bernie, but I’ll lose it. Not to worry.”

“We don’t have to look at your naked behind,” Robin says.

“Apparently nobody does,” Savannah says. “And Lord knows when someone ever will.”

“So what do you guys think about Onika being a lesbian?” Gloria asks.

“A what?” Robin asks. “You can’t be serious.”

“A lesbian?” asks Savannah. “How is it you know this and we don’t?”

“I had to tell somebody.”

“And you picked Gloria?”

“I’m not the one with the big mouth, Savannah! It’s you who has to express her opinion about everything, Ms. Walkie-Talkie.”

“Oh, really? But who just spilled the beans, Gloria?”

“I thought you told all of us.”

“I told you in confidence. So thank you very much, Gloria.”

“You should’ve said that. But you’re welcome.”

“It probably happened because she went to that all-girls college,” Robin says, like this was a math problem she just figured out.

“You don’t catch it, Robin,” Savannah says. “I always had a feeling she might be.”

“Sparrow told me she was but I didn’t believe her. That’s too bad, Bernie. I’m sorry.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry about.”

“Thank you,” Savannah says. “Robin, you should know better. You’ve got a teenager who’s a little way out. Does that bother you?”

“I’m used to her. And it’s who she is.”

“And Onika is who she is. So shut up,” Savannah says.

“Thank you,” Bernie says. “It doesn’t bother me in the least. Hiding it is probably worse than anything.”

“So, does she have a girlfriend and everything?” Robin asks.

“She does. I met her and she’s nice. And cute. Tall. Her name is Shy.”

“I bet John isn’t happy about this, is he?” Robin asks.

“She hasn’t told him yet,” Gloria says. “She will when she comes home for the summer. How’s that for accuracy, Bernie?”

“Go back to sleep!” she says, laughing.

“What about that little Taylor? How’s she doing?” Robin asks.

“I don’t know, to be honest. I haven’t seen her much since her mother split.”

“I almost wanna say this is a white thing, but I’m aware of a few black women who’ve pulled a disappearing act too,” Savannah says.

“Okay, so back to us, ladies. We have yet to figure out where we’re going and when we’re going. Is that about right?” Robin asks.

“I’m free on Tuesday,” Gloria says. “Hold it. Where is it we’re supposed to be going?”

“I don’t know,” Bernie says.

“Robin?” Savannah asks.

“Well, you guys said Sedona was boring and everybody agreed the Grand Canyon is out.”

“Savannah said Sedona is boring, not me. And I—”

“Why don’t we just go to In-and-Out Burger, get a double-double with cheese and a basket of greasy fries—and I’d kill for one of those creamy vanilla shakes—and let’s call it a fucking day? I can do Thursday,” Savannah says.

“I don’t eat red meat anymore,” Robin says. “Plus, I have an all-day meeting in L.A. on Thursday.”

“When and why did you stop eating red meat? Never mind. Just eat the stupid cheese,” Bernadine says.

“Can anybody do Friday?” Savannah asks.

“It’s my mom’s seventy-eighth birthday so we’re going down to Tucson and I’m letting Sparrow drive part of the way, so pray for me.”

“Onika and Shy are driving from Oakland, and I want to be home when they get here. I’m making gumbo.”

“Please make enough for us, Bernie, please!” Savannah begs. “I’ll pay for my own crab if necessary.”

“I’ll pay for everything,” Robin says.

“I think you owe me twenty dollars, don’t you, Bernie?”

“No! But no charge for you, big mouth.”

“I think a little of your gumbo might help resuscitate me,” Gloria says. “I haven’t turned on the stove since that day. I’ve been eating nothing but takeout and frozen dinners.”

“Well, that’s kinda obvious,” Robin says. “I didn’t mean it that way.”

“Yes you did, but it’s okay. I know I’m starting to look like a Thanks-giving turkey, but I’m just trying to get through this the best way I can.”

“I hear you,” Savannah says. “Don’t pay any attention to Jane Fonda. She doesn’t understand a thing about grieving.”

“Well, what’s your excuse, Savannah? You used to jog, you used to eat like you had some damn sense, and over the past year you’ve been slumming. What’s that about?”

“Like I said, Robin, you don’t get it. I hope you meet somebody and get married and then they fucking disappoint you and you have to go through a divorce, and then maybe you’ll get it.”

“That was cold, Savannah,” Bernie says.

“You know I didn’t mean that. I’m sorry, Robin. Really.”

“All is forgiven.”

“Anyway, how is your mom doing, by the way?”

“She’s fine. In good health. Sound mind. Her spirits are high. She walks every single day and even golfs.”

“I’ve been wanting to learn how to golf like forever,” Savannah says. “We live where they have some of the most beautiful golf courses in the world.”

“Then take lessons,” Gloria says.

“Doesn’t it take a really long time to learn?” Bernie asks.

“I don’t know,” Savannah says. “I’m not trying to win the fucking U.S. Open. I just want to learn how to hit that little ball in the hole and see what all the hoopla’s about.”

“Everybody who plays seems to get addicted,” Robin says. “My mom and dad golfed when I was a little girl.”

“When do you plan on starting, Savannah?” Gloria asks.

“After I lose ten pounds.”

“There are a lot of overdeveloped people who golf.”

“You go straight to hell, Robin. In a matter of months there will be less of me. And that’s a promise.”

“Okay,” Gloria says. “I’ve just been listening to you guys yack like a bunch of old hens and I have not heard anybody figure out when we can get together, although I think we’ve pretty much covered everything else.”

“You’re right, Gloria,” Robin says.

“Well, it sure was good to visit and just run our mouths,” Savannah says. “So when will your DVD guys be coming back, Glo?”

“I won’t know until they show up.”

“Blockbuster Night’s at your crib this time, in case you forgot,” Bernadine says.

“I haven’t forgotten,” Savannah says.

“You think you’ll be up for company?” Robin asks.

“Look, as my mama has always said, ‘One monkey don’t stop no show.’ ”

“That’s true,” Bernadine says, “but they damn sure know how to mess things up if they get out of the cage.”