Girl in Love (36 page)

This was love.

It was not caring if your mouth tasted like month-old coffee. Or worse. It was silence when needed and sleeping on uncomfortable hospital furniture for days without complaint. It was someone to pull you from your nightmares with a kiss.

It was walking away from your dream without a single regret.

It was this.

“You want to talk about it? Whatever it was that had you shouting in your sleep?” She snuggled her head into the nook between his shoulder and chin.

“Not really,” he answered, his tone gruff and warning.

“Might help,” she said softly.

“Might send you running for the hills.”

Her head popped up and she met his tormented stare. His hazel eyes clouded over, causing her heart to hurt for him.

“Trace, if you don’t know by now that you are stuck with me no matter what, then you must’ve missed something.”

He chuckled, but it was a low, dark laugh. As if she’d made a cruel joke.

“Hey.” She paused to kiss him once more. “I’m serious.”

He inhaled sharply and his eyes lost focus, as if he’d gone somewhere else. “My dad was a drunk,” he began softly. “Which I think Rae has told you before.”

Kylie nodded, afraid to speak for fear she’d say the wrong thing.

“There’s more to it. More to me.”

She snuggled closer to him. “There isn’t anything you can tell me that will change the way I feel about you, Trace.”

He cleared his throat. “Yeah, well. It changes the way I feel about me so I try not to think about it. But ever since I stopped drinking, it’s been coming back to me. Hence the nightmares.”

“I’m sorry, baby.”

“Don’t be. Not your fault, Kylie Lou. The only person who’s to blame is six feet under, may his black soul not rest in peace.”

Kylie cringed. They’d had very different brands of dads, that was for certain.

“You think I’m a mean drunk.” Trace snorted. “My dad was a monster when he drank. When I was drinking, I lashed out verbally, which, believe me, I know can be just as bad as physical abuse. Which is why I always wonder how you can stand me, much less love me.”

A shudder passed through him, and she scooted into his lap. “It’s not you when you’re like that. I knew that from the beginning. That version of you…It’s not the man you really are. Just a part you have to battle with sometimes.”

“The man I really am,” he said quietly, more to himself than her. He huffed out a small breath. “My dad used to get drunk and hit. He’d use his fists, his belt, whatever he could get his hands on. He beat the hell out of them. Always my mom and usually Claire Ann too.”

He clutched her tightly as he continued his story.

“I was ten when Rae was born. Old enough to try to protect her, to know that I was supposed to, but not big enough to really do it.”

“Trace—”

“For the first few years, he mostly ignored her. It was a relief, you know?”

She nodded and felt him swallow hard.

“He only hit me when I got in his way of getting to them. Said I needed to learn to be a man.”

Kylie wrapped herself around him the best she could in the awkward position they were in on the couch. She felt like they were both in danger of falling off the Earth down into a deep, dark hole neither of them would know how to get out of. But she knew she would go down with him before she’d let him fall alone.

“This one night, when I was fifteen and had just started a crappy garage band with my friends, I’d stayed out late.” He paused and Kylie looked up at his face. His jaw and throat were working overtime to keep the moisture in his eyes from being more. “I knew…I
knew
I should’ve gotten my ass home. It was a weekend, he always drank on the weekends.”

Her heart ached for him as he laid himself bare. “You can’t blame—”

“I fucking knew. But I was stupid and selfish and so sick of that goddamn house. So I played a few more songs, stood around with my buddies, and shot the shit for no good reason. I walked home the long way.”

He stopped talking. She figured it was to compose himself. She could feel his anguish rolling over both of them as he continued.

“When I got there, his truck was sideways in the driveway. I could hear Claire Ann screaming from inside. We lived on several acres so there weren’t any neighbors to call for help.”

Kylie took several deep breaths to stave off the quiver that was gaining momentum inside of her. She knew he needed to get this out without her bawling all over him.

“I swear, it was like I had the strength of a hundred men. I flew inside and grabbed him. I slammed him into a wall, and somehow, I literally threw him out of the house. I was puny, and he was a big guy, but I was blind with rage. I threatened to kill him if he stepped foot back in that house. And I meant it.”

Kylie kept her arms securely fastened around him. She didn’t even know if she was doing it to comfort him or herself anymore. She hoped if their bodies were close enough somehow she could siphon off some of his pain by sharing the weight of this heavy burden he’d carried all alone for so long.

“Claire Ann’s face was already bruising and swollen. He’d busted her nose and there were open welts covering her legs. She’d tried to protect our mom while he’d beat her into unconsciousness.” His chest rose abruptly as he expelled an audible breath. “Typical Claire Ann. Broken and bloody and trying to take care of everyone else. She kept screaming at me to find Rae.” He let go of her and leaned forward. Kylie continued to lean over onto him as he dropped his head into his hands. “She was only five and so damn small for her age. I couldn’t find her anywhere. My mom was still unconscious on the floor and Claire Ann was losing it and Rae was just…missing.”

A small sob escaped her as the picture took shape in her head, but she choked down the rest of it so he could go on.

Trace’s voice was gravelly. She could tell he was doing his best to keep it low as not to disturb anyone else in the room.

“I called the police. They were familiar with our family. They didn’t hurry.” His voice took on an angrier tone. “And I just started tearing the damn house down trying to find her. I looked everywhere. The girls’ room, my room, the bathroom. Every single cabinet, even ones she couldn’t have possibly gotten into. And then I saw it. The smeared trail of blood. She was in the space between the stove and the fridge. It was barely big enough for her to fit.”

“I’m sorry, Trace. God, I’m so sorry.”

“It took me forever to get her to come out. He’d hit her with the buckle end of his belt. Sliced the back of her ear clean open. It took a dozen stitches to close.”

She covered her mouth and shook her head to keep the whimpers inside. “Trace, none of that was your fault.”

He turned to her with an irate expression. The ferocity in his voice almost sent her reeling backward.

“Are you fucking kidding? Of course it was my fault. I was hanging out with my friends like I didn’t have a goddamn care in the world. I might as well have hit her myself.”

“You listen to me.” Kylie took his face in both of her hands. “You were a kid, Trace. A kid that didn’t get a childhood. Because he stole it. From all of you. You know what Rae told me at your birthday party that first time I came to the farm? She told me about your dad but said that nothing had ever happened to her because
you
protected her.
You
kept her safe.”

“I didn’t. I didn’t, Kylie. I messed up. I let her down. It’s what I do. I let people down.” He let his tears fall and she forced her way back into his lap.

“No, Trace. No, you didn’t. You don’t.” She kissed every inch of his face, tasting both of their salty tears as she did.

“She doesn’t remember,” a somber female voice said.

Kylie startled, pulling herself from his arms as a reflex, feeling like they’d been caught doing something illicit in public.

“She doesn’t remember that night,” Claire Ann continued. “I’ve asked her about it before. She only remembers you pulling her out of the space by the stove. She thinks you were playing hide and seek and that scar is from where she cut herself climbing behind there.”

Kylie gaped at Claire Ann’s stoic face, wondering how long she’d been awake.

“Thank God for that. But I can’t forget. I remember it like it was yesterday.”

She leaned against his chest. His heart pounded rhythmically in her ear.

“Sometimes, I dream it’s you. It’s you hiding, and I’m him. But I’m watching it happen and I can’t stop myself.”

It took her a second to realize he was speaking to her. “Trace, I have never, ever been afraid of you in that way. You are not him. You will never be anything like him.”

“She’s right, Trace.” Claire Ann’s soft voice was heavy. “The only reason I have any faith in men is because of you. Because I saw that there is at least one man who can be trusted, who would protect the people he loved from the Johnny Ray Corbins of the world.”

He shook his head at both of them. “I grabbed you. I grabbed you in Jackson.” The remorse in his eyes sent her on a quick trip back in time. “I had no right to put my hands on you like that. I was angry and I lost control. Just like him.”

Kylie shook her head. “Pretty sure it was just all that built-up sexual tension you were harboring for me.”

The corners of his mouth twitched and finally lifted. “That may be, but still.”

“But nothing, Trace. You’re not him. But if you’re worried, you know there are people you can—”

“I know.” He nodded. “I have a few numbers I got in rehab. People I can talk to, places I can go to get help for the anger.”

“Good. Well, speaking of talking,” Kylie began, aiming a pointed glance at Claire Ann. “I’m going to go grab some muffins and juice if y’all want to maybe clear the air about, oh, I don’t know, any secrets either of you may or may not be keeping.”

To her great surprise, Claire Ann grinned. “You can stay, Kylie. I might need another witness in case Trace maims Pauly.”

“Why would I do anything to Pauly?” Trace eyed both of them warily and Kylie nodded toward Claire Ann. This wasn’t her secret to tell.

“Kylie and I’ve been talking, Trace. And after what I just saw when you thought everyone else was asleep, I owe you both an apology.”

“Huh?”

Kylie just shook her head. The last thing she wanted from anyone was an apology.

“I have been so closed-minded about so many things. And frankly, I don’t give people enough credit sometimes.” Claire Ann cast a long, loving glance at the man sleeping beside her. “I didn’t expect you two to work things out because I figured you’d both get in your own way. And Trace, I didn’t tell you who I was seeing because I didn’t know if you could handle it.”

Trace tilted his head as he looked at her. “Claire Ann, I told you I want to meet him.”

His sister bit her lip. Kylie felt her insides tighten.

“That’s the thing, Trace. You have met him.”

“I have? Well, who is it?”

The tension was so thick that Kylie didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. The lack of sleep and the heavy emotional climate had her bordering on hysteria.

Claire Ann swung her eyes over to Pauly once more.

“No,” Trace said, his voice and his sky-high eyebrows clearly reflecting his disbelief. “Pauly? You’ve been dating my manager? Seriously? For how long?”

“Since you went to rehab. He checked in on us several times and we just started talking.” Claire Ann shrugged. “He’s a good man, Trace. You know that. Better than most. Kind of like my brother.”

The room was completely silent minus the beeping of Rae’s heart monitor.

As if he could feel the attention on him, Pauly stretched and opened his eyes. “Mornin’, everyone. Any news on Rae?”

“You’re fired,” Trace said evenly.

“Trace.” Kylie dug an elbow into his ribs.

“You told him while I was asleep?” Pauly gaped at Claire Ann. “Were you thinking it was best to do it in a hospital or what?”

“Okay, you’re not fired,” Trace said, getting the man’s attention. “But really? My sister?”

“We didn’t mean for it to happen.” Pauly shrugged. “But it did. And after everything…” He paused to wave a hand around, reminding everyone where they were. “Seeing how much you and Kylie are willing to risk for one another, I’m done hiding it. Done being worried about how it will affect everyone else. So, yeah, Trace. Me and your sister.” He offered Trace a quick sorry-not-sorry shrug. “Fire me all you want. I’ve been dating your sister for the past year and the only regret I have is not shouting to the world what a lucky man I was on day one. I love her.”

Kylie grinned at the tears welling in Claire Ann’s eyes.

“Well, I hate to interrupt this lovely moment, but can someone please get me some water?”

A
LL FOUR
sets of eyes swung in the direction of the raspy voice.

“Rae!” Claire Ann and Kylie shrieked at once.

Everyone sprung into action. Kylie poured water from a blue pitcher into a Styrofoam cup as Trace and Claire Ann leapt toward Rae’s bed and woke their mother.

Trace held the hand of Rae’s without the IV needle. “Jesus Christ, Rae. You scared me to fucking death.” He lowered his head onto the side of her hospital bed.