Girl of Myth and Legend (41 page)

‘I feel like I’m still hallucinating,’ I say, glancing at Korren, ‘with coming across this—wh-what are you doing?’ I shout.

Korren’s beastly body is returning to its human form, and I look away. I hear him splashing the water, cleaning himself and maybe his wound. I risk a glance at him to find he’s still naked.

‘Put some clothes on!’ I snap, staring at the ground.

‘I don’t have any,’ he replies.

I grab my backpack and pull out the clothes I was wearing before I changed into the ones I am now. I don’t think they’ll fit him, but the rebel’s outfit…

‘D-don’t look, OK?’ I say.

‘What are you talking about?’ he says.

‘Just stay there!’ I go behind a tree and undress. I quickly put my old clothes back on (a long-sleeved shirt and jeans) and then toss the rebel’s clothes to Korren. ‘Put those on,’ I tell him. He doesn’t tell me whether he’s dressed or not, so I have to ask him. When he tells me he is, I look over to him. He’s sat on a rock, his trouser leg pulled up.

‘Oh, God.’

‘What?’ he says.

‘Ew.’

‘
What
?’

‘Your leg. It looks dismembered. I swear there’s bone coming out of it. So gross.’

‘…Couldn’t you at least have phrased that more delicately?’

‘Does it really not hurt you?’

‘It’s killing me,’ he says, and my eyes widen. ‘But I’m used to pushing pain away.’

‘You even going to try and examine it?’ I say.

‘It will heal.’

‘You keep saying that,’ I mutter.

We spend around an hour here before we head back to the protection of the optius. I feel sick as we walk, my belly full of water, and it makes me feel hotter, too. Luckily it’s cooler inside the cave, though not by much. Korren and I sit down, not so far away from each other, and it’s silent for a while.

‘I should’ve never trusted Sersu,’ I say, hugging my knees. ‘She was so nice to me when it all began. I thought she was a friend.’

‘That was her game,’ he says.

‘And what d’you think that thing did, that relic?’

‘It doesn’t matter. It’s lost within the haze now.’

‘I’m a coward,’ I say, staring at the wall. ‘I shouldn’t have left Dad.’

‘You can blame me if you like,’ he says, ‘I did force you away from him.’

‘I do blame you, but… I would’ve probably left anyway…’

‘Then you’re a coward, but at least you’re not a foolish one. We would have died if you hadn’t left him.’

‘I thought that if I could have this power I’m supposed to have,’ I begin, ‘I’d be able to be some sort of hero, but I never realised… I never understood that the power I’ll have could be used to protect people.’ I bury my head into my arms. ‘I wish I could’ve got my magic sooner. I could have protected him.’

‘Even if you’d awoken your magic it doesn’t mean you would’ve been able to protect him,’ he says.

‘Huh. What’s this? Trying to comfort me, Korren?’ I try to smile, but fail.

‘No, it’s just pathetic of you to think you could make a difference. You’ve had no training—most likely you would’ve met with death.’

I fold my arms across my body. ‘That’s just the thing, though, isn’t it? I’ll never know what I could’ve done.’

‘Are you going to cry now?’ he mocks.

‘I won’t cry.’

‘I thought mortals cried over their losses. I suppose you didn’t care for your father as much as you’re letting on.’

‘You have no idea how much I damn well cared!’ He doesn’t flinch under my heavy gaze, and I soon falter as I relax my tense body. ‘I only just got to know him. Our past… it wasn’t exactly a happy one.’

‘So there was a rift between you.’

‘It’s only recently we’ve been able to… to talk. Before, we didn’t really speak to each other, like,
really
speak to each other. He used to keep me isolated; I never understood why. It’s not like he gave me a terrible life, though. He never tried to hurt me. He just didn’t want me to have the kind of life a kid my age has. Now I know why. He distanced himself from me because of what he saw, something in the future.’ My hands clench. ‘All of my life, all the seclusion and sadness he made for me was because of something he saw in the future? It’s insane! And that woman, the one who helped us, she said I was the one the stars were waiting for or whatever. What a joke. I mean, what am I supposed to
do
with that? I knew being a Pulsar was important, but I don’t want everyone to pin their hopes on me. I’m just a kid! A stupid, selfish kid. I don’t want to protect
anyone
.’ I cuddle my knees. ‘I can’t stand this, knowing people have inklings of my future. I want my choices to matter, not to be preor—’

‘It’s a simple crack,’ he says, ‘but I can see it beginning to spider web.’

I look at him, confused.

‘Don’t break over this,’ he says. ‘Toughen up. You’re stronger than this. At least you have a chance to live. The Chosen at the Temples, the Magen, they will never have that chance. Your father, O’Sah, Jacob—I’ll reason that they would rather have a preordained future than none at all.’

I think of them, of my dad, of annoying O’Sah, of poor Jacob—of the lives they will never have. Tears well in my eyes, and I hide my face from Korren.

‘At least you can cry,’
I remember Abi saying,
‘that means you still have some life in you, that something in your life holds some importance.’

‘Is it my fault they died?’ I say.

‘No, it wasn’t your fault,’ says Korren. ‘You didn’t ask for rebels to come there, let alone bring a maiden with them just for them to lose control of it. The maiden was destroying itself looking for you, using all its power. Regardless of where you went, the results would’ve been the same. It makes no difference.’

‘But if I wasn’t there, if I wasn’t
here
, then the rebels wouldn’t have come, the maiden wouldn’t have manifested and lost control, it wouldn’t have created the haze.’

‘So what, you’re going to blame yourself for being alive now?’

My eyes widen at his words, at the realisation they bring, because it’s ridiculous to wish yourself dead; is that not just selfish, wishing the life you have away when you’re fortunate enough to have it?

‘Korren,’ I say.

‘Yes?’

‘What happens when a Chosen dies?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘When they die, where do they go?’

‘Well, Chosen usually believe the Unnamed grants them eternal life after death.’

‘D’you think the Unnamed is real?’

‘It doesn’t matter what I think.’

‘It does.’

He tries to hide his self-conscious expression, resulting in an awkward grimace. The ‘pre-maiden me’ would probably have teased him over that.

‘What do
you
become?’ I ask when he doesn’t answer. ‘When you die, I mean.’

‘A pile of meat,’ he replies.

I scoff. ‘But where does your soul go?’

‘All this death talk is starting to make me think you believe in the afterlife.’

‘I do. There’s got to be
something
out there. Be kind of boring if there wasn’t.’

‘There’s no afterlife for kytaen. We are
blessed
with immortality, and if we happen to die, well, that’s our fault. Our religion is to be made, survive, serve and eventually die if we’re unlucky, or lucky, depending on how you look at it.’

I huff. ‘I like my religion better: do the best with what you’ve got, and if there isn’t an afterlife, then the life we’ve had here was for nothing. Ha! Not that we’d know it.’

‘…It’s not for nothing.’

I look at him: he won’t meet my gaze.

‘It’s not,’ he repeats.

‘That’s not what you said before when I took you to the woods.’

‘Yes, well… your words… they were a powerful thing, little lion,’ he says softly, and then he looks at me with such an intense expression that my heart skips a beat. I swear it skips a beat. I turn away, heat prickling across my face. Why, why am I blushing? Is it because he’s never said anything nice to me before, or maybe it’s because he’s never
looked
at me like this before: nervously with a sincere glint in his eyes? It’s a look that almost embraces me, as if we’re actually touching.

We don’t talk for a while, and the void in my chest opens up again, remembering that Dad doesn’t exist in this world anymore, or perhaps he’s with the Unnamed, or maybe he’s just a nothing and it’s only my memory of him that makes him a something.

‘D’you think there’s a place where none of this exists?’ I ask. ‘Where Dad is still alive, where I’m just a normal girl, where Chosen and maidens and kytaen just
aren’t
?’ He doesn’t say anything. ‘Maybe there is,’ I continue. ‘Maybe there, it’s really peaceful. No death, suicides, murders… just a place so far from despair.’

‘It would be a sort of paradise,’ he says, ‘but it doesn’t exist.
This
is your reality.’

I nod. ‘You’re right: it doesn’t exist. But who knows? Someone might create a place like that, someplace elsewhere.’

‘The sun is almost down,’ he says, changing the topic.

‘
That’s
why it’s getting cold.’ I put my head on his shoulder.

‘Wh-what are you doing?’ he yells, shoving me away from him with wide eyes.

‘I was giving you a hug!’ I say.

‘Y-you—!’

‘Pff. D’you really think I’d do that? I’m trying to keep warm, idiot. You’re like my overgrown Furby.’

‘I’m in a human form, not my kytaen!’

‘Tomayto, tomahto.’ I come close to him.

He pushes me away. ‘You shouldn’t be doing that!’

‘What’s the problem? You said you’re my tool, right? Well, I’m cold, tool of mine, so why don’t you calm the hell down and give me some of that sweet, sweet warmth?’

‘Don’t touch me!’

‘I’m starting to think you’re self-conscious in this form. You let me cuddle you in your other—’

‘We did not
cuddle
!’ he shouts.

I manage a grin. ‘Would you prefer I use a different word? Snuggle, maybe?’

His face grows red, maybe in anger. Actually, definitely in anger; I feel it rippling from him because of our soul-binding.

‘Just keep the distance between us,’ he snaps. ‘Imagine what the Imperium would do if they found us in such a compromising position.’

‘And here I was thinking you didn’t abide by the rules.’

He turns from me. ‘Just go to sleep.’

I sigh. ‘Fine.’ Teasing him made me forget reality for a moment, and even if it was just for a moment, it was still a great relief.

I hug my knees. I tell myself that I’m only trembling because I’m cold, but in truth, I keep recalling the terrors we faced in the haze. I thought I was strong enough to cope with the ordeal we battled through—what a joke. I picture the bodies on the ground, Jacob killing himself, Abi’s silhouette, the voice I heard, so hungry and cold, and Dad surrounded by rebels poised to kill. I remember it all, my new reality.

Reality.
This
is reality: I am Chosen, I am alone and Dad is dead. He’s dead. Oh
God
, this can’t be true. It just can’t be. Is Dad really gone? Am I really alone with no one, nothing?

Yes, from now on I’m on my own. Even if the Imperium finds me, I will still have no family, no friends, no one to rely on. I won’t have anyone. I’ll be more alone than I ever was before. I’ll—

Korren’s shoulder touches mine. I blink, confused.

‘I’m… I’m only doing this because the Imperium will punish me for neglecting one of your orders,’ he tells me, a grim look on his face.

‘Thank you,’ I say, resting my head on his shoulder and linking my arm with his.

Well, maybe not completely alone.

_________________

In the morning we return to our small oasis. Though my annoying-as-hell stomach grumbles for food, I insist I can survive without it for a little longer—not that I have much of a choice. I drink so much water that I feel like my stomach’s going to explode, and I try to convince Korren to at least look at his leg.

‘It doesn’t look like it’s getting better,’ I say, ‘and you look way paler.’

‘I could say the same about you,’ he says. ‘I’m fine,’ he insists. ‘It’ll—’

‘Heal? Except, it’s not.’

‘It can take time.’

‘Korren, it’s getting worse,’ I say. ‘I think it might be infected.’

‘That doesn’t happen to kytaen.’

‘Then poisoned. Maybe the blade that cut you had poison on it.’

He thinks about it. ‘It’ll heal.’

I wish I had something heavy to throw at him.

‘What about you?’ he asks. ‘For a mortal, you’re dealing incredibly well with that injury.’

‘I guess I’m still in shock.’

‘You might die if the Imperium don’t come.’

‘Gee, thanks for that. Well, there’s not much I can do about it.’

He looks away. ‘I’m sorry about your arm.’

‘It’s not your fault.’

‘If I’d acted quicker…’

‘It really isn’t your fault.’

‘Even so—’

‘The Imperium still isn’t here,’ I remind him. ‘
You
could die if we don’t do something.’

‘They’ll come.’

‘Why are you suddenly Mr Optimistic?’ I snap. ‘Seriously, it’s annoying me.’

‘Because I know my leg will heal, and I know the Imperi-um will come. It’s you I’m concerned about.’

‘So then why aren’t they here? If I’m so important to them, surely they’d make me a first priority.’

‘It is strange, but the Temples of Elswyr have just been destroyed by a maiden; it might take some time to—’

‘I’m sure they can spare some people to come here and get their apparently beloved Pulsar.’

He says nothing in response.

I spend my time staring up at the unmoving branches on the tree. I don’t tan very well, just burn red raw, and I’m worried I might be doing some serious damage to my skin right now. Do the Imperium have sun cream, or do they even need it? Do they have some magical remedy for burns, or can they prevent them in the first place? Maybe I shouldn’t be thinking about that kind of burn, but the one on my arm that I still refuse to look at. I keep tightening the fabric I tied around it, and it slowed the blood loss, but I’m pretty sure Korren’s right: I will die if the Imperium doesn’t find us soon.

I see a flicker of movement in the corner of my eye.

‘I’m hoping that was my imagination,’ I say.