Giving It Up: Pushing the Boundaries, Book 1 (20 page)

Chapter Twenty-Three

It’s nothing special.

Beatrice was sitting at her desk on Monday morning after the debacle with Warren on Saturday. He’d come after her, found her in one of the guest rooms, and apologized for hurting her feelings. He’d insisted that he’d been talking about himself, not about her work, but he hadn’t realized that had hurt her more than anything. Shortly after the awkward apology, she’d left the barbeque out of consideration for Ben and Nina. She hadn’t wanted to make things tense for them right after they’d finally gotten some breathing room back in their schedules.

“Beatrice?”

She stiffened at the sound of Nina’s voice behind her.

She hadn’t spoken to Nina for the rest of the weekend, despite several calls from the other woman. She simply hadn’t felt up to talking about it with anyone.

But the time for self-pity was over. Life went on, she had a job to do and she owed Nina an apology for reacting so emotionally on Saturday.

She turned, keeping her expression neutral, to find Nina staring back at her with a sympathetic look. Before Beatrice could say a word, Nina came forward and hugged her.

“He’s an asshole,” Nina murmured, then stepped back. “You okay?”

Damn it.
Perversely, Nina’s kind understanding was not helping Beatrice keep her shit together. All she could do was nod, her throat feeling tight and hot.

Nina sighed. “If it’s any consolation, Ben and the other guys tore him a new one after you left. Brewer told us the whole story while Warren was off talking to you…” Beatrice’s cheeks heated, and she dipped her head, trying to hide. “I mean, Brewer told us only as much he knew, which wasn’t a whole lot. But don’t be embarrassed, please. We were all really happy for you guys. Davis deserves to be happy after all the shit he’s been through.” Nina snorted. “I mean, he deserved it
before
this weekend. Although I overheard him saying one thing to Ben that made me think maybe he still does.”

Oh Christ.

“What did he say?” Beatrice couldn’t help but ask, even though she was afraid the answer would be something she didn’t want to hear.

Nina was quiet for a second, then said softly, “That you two had gotten involved, but that he doesn’t want to take a chance on getting hurt again since you will only end up leaving him.”

Wait. What?

Beatrice’s jaw dropped. “He thinks that I’d leave him? What the hell made him think that? I would never—”

Nina nodded. “I know. And I don’t know Davis enough to understand why he thinks that, but if you love him, there’s no reason for him to doubt you.”

Beatrice blushed. “How did you know I love him?”

“It’s pretty obvious to me. And the rest of the world, really. But Davis doesn’t seem to believe it.” Nina sighed. “Ben was the same way. It took a while for it to sink in that I loved him, especially since we had such an unorthodox meeting. And he’d had women say it to him before but not really mean it, so I don’t blame him for being a little gun-shy back then.”

“Uh, yeah. Well, about that…” Beatrice looked down at her feet. “I haven’t exactly
said
to Warren that I love him. And I’m not sure he’s quite as willing to see it as you are.”

Nina’s jaw dropped. “You haven’t told him?”

Beatrice tried not to look too sheepish. “I didn’t think I needed to. I’ve told him I want him. That I want to
be
with him. More than once, in fact.” She lifted her chin. “But that doesn’t change the fact that he doesn’t trust me enough not to hurt him. It’s
me
. I’ve had plenty of chances to betray his trust, and I haven’t, precisely because I love him!”

Nina sighed. “Ben said he has a complicated past…”

“Well, so do I! But that didn’t stop me from trying to make it work.”

“Didn’t it? You didn’t tell him you love him. Why not?”

Because I don’t want to be hurt, either.
She’d already invested enough in Warren that he should know how she felt, without her having to lay herself
completely
bare.

Not that she would admit that to Nina. Nina might think it meant Beatrice should go tell Warren she loved him, but Warren was the one who needed to open himself up to her. He could give her his body, welcome her into his family, and still think there wasn’t enough between them to at least try to make it work?

What a mess. She slumped, feeling dejected. “Look, I appreciate your support. How nice everyone has been. But I’m okay. It’s over between us, and from now on, I’m going to pretend it never happened.”

Nina gave her a skeptical look, but finally nodded. “Okay. If you say so, I’ll respect that. But I’m here for you if you ever want to talk.”

Beatrice squeezed her hand. “Thanks, Nina. I’m fine. Really.”

At that, Nina gave her another hug.

And Beatrice forgave herself, just this once, for lying.

* * * * *

Knock knock.

Beatrice sighed and put down her book. She’d barely read a page in the past hour, anyway. She’d come home from work feeling exhausted, and she’d planned to spend another quiet evening alone at home. But now someone was intruding on her solitude. Someone unwelcome.

She shuffled to the door and looked through the keyhole. A woman with long black hair pulled back into a ponytail stood on the other side. Her face was young, but worn-looking, and she was scowling—

Beatrice gasped. She
knew
that look. The woman in the hall had to be Kelly, Warren’s younger sister.

She threw the bolt but kept the chain on. “Yes?”

Kelly didn’t even bother with a greeting or an introduction. “What are you doing with my brother?” she demanded, crowding the door, making Beatrice jump back even though there was no way the other woman could get in with the chain on the door.

“I’m not doing anything with him.”
And I miss him so much.
But Beatrice heard the catch in her voice, and it made her angry. She straightened and crossed her arms, standing her ground even as Kelly pushed herself against the space in the door.

“I came home the other day to find him worn down like I haven’t seen him, ever. Not even when Jen walked out on him. What did you do to him?”

I tried to love him.
“I didn’t do anything.” More anger was coming to the surface now, at how unfairly he’d treated her for loving him. Why had he assumed she would leave him? Why didn’t he trust her?

Kelly banged on the door. “Let me in.”

Beatrice laughed. “No way. I don’t open my door to hostile people.”

“Why not? Are you hiding another guy in there?”

At that, Beatrice felt an uncontrollable rage rise up. She barreled forward, slamming the door shut and ripping the chain free before flinging it open again, advancing on a shocked-looking Kelly. “Another man? Not that it’s even any of your business, but if you could think about anything but yourself for one second, you would realize how ridiculous you are. How
dare
you? Don’t you try to shame me over something that has nothing to do with you. No, you cannot come in. Not because I have anyone in here, man, woman, child, animal—whatever! You can’t come in because this is
Warren’s
space. It’s just for him, which you haven’t bothered to even consider in years. And you don’t get to take it away like you’ve taken everything else.”

Beatrice stopped, her finger poking hard into Kelly’s chest, and realized she’d backed Kelly into a wall.

Well. All bark and no bite then.

On the other hand, Warren’s sister looked shocked and a little afraid—an outcome Beatrice hadn’t intended at all. But she couldn’t let Kelly cheapen what they’d had. She sighed, backing off immediately. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. It’s as much his responsibility as yours.”

Kelly scowled at that, and Beatrice couldn’t hold back a laugh. “God, you look exactly like him.” She gave another laugh, but this one came out with a hiccup on the end that sounded strangely like a sob. And the next thing she knew, she was crying in earnest, pressing the heels of her hands into her eyes and trying not to say Warren’s name.

She failed.

Kelly sighed and put her hands on her hips, looking impatient with Beatrice’s distress. “Look, I didn’t come here to antagonize you. I have one more question. Why did you dump him?”

Beatrice’s mouth dropped, and she wiped away at her tears. “What are you talking about?
He’s
the one who didn’t want anything serious. I didn’t dump him. He’s the one—” She stopped when her voice started wavering again.

Kelly’s face softened, and Beatrice couldn’t stop a few more tears from falling at that. It was the same expression Warren had worn every time after they’d kissed or made love. Young-looking. Sweet.

“Holy fuck, you really love him.”

“Yes, I love him!” Beatrice shouted. “Why did you think I didn’t?”

Kelly’s shoulders slumped. “I didn’t want him to get hurt. He’s already sacrificed so much for me. I couldn’t deal with seeing a woman treat him the way that Jen did.”

Beatrice frowned. “Who’s Jen?”

For a second, Kelly looked sheepish, but then shook her head and muttered something that sounded suspiciously like,
For fuck’s sake, Quinn
.

But then she said, louder, “Jen is Warren’s ex-girlfriend. But if he hasn’t told you about her, then all I can say is she hurt him badly enough to make him cautious about love.”

Oh, Warren.
Beatrice understood she needed to hear the story directly from him, but she was still glad that Kelly had told her as much as she had—that he had a history of being hurt by someone he cared about. It made his behavior a little more understandable.

Kelly continued. “He’s the kind of guy who gives everything he has to people he loves, even though we don’t deserve it, and he suffered for it. Hell. He’s been suffering for it for a long time.” Kelly dropped her hands to her sides and gave Beatrice a wry smile. “I should have known you’d be the one. Nathan said Quinn has a drawer full of your photos. He’s been collecting them for way longer than you guys have been—” she wiggled her fingers toward Beatrice, “—doing your thing.”

What?
“Which photos? What are you talking about?”

“Quinn saves the newspapers where your work is featured in a folder in his filing cabinet. I don’t know why. Nate found them once when he was snooping, and he got a serious lecture from me a few nights ago when he confessed what he’d found. He thought it was okay, since he swore up and down you guys were going to get married and you’d think it was sweet.”

So that’s what Nate had started to say a couple of times, when Beatrice had been over at Warren’s house. “It
is
sweet,” she whispered.

Kelly groaned. “Hell. You’re perfect for him, you know. You’re so sappy and romantic and everything our family isn’t. Except for Nate, but he’ll probably grow out of that.”

Beatrice laughed in spite of herself. “I’m not sure whether to be flattered, insulted or concerned.”

“All of the above.” Kelly shook her head and put out her hand. “How about we call a truce?”

Beatrice put her palm in Kelly’s, feeling the dry skin and rough calluses of hard work. A strong hand for a strong person. “Thanks for looking out for Warren. I know you care about him, and that’s already a reason for you to have my admiration and respect. Because I
do
love him. So much.”

Kelly snorted and let go of Beatrice’s hand. “Damn, you’re going to be a fancy sister-in-law. Maybe I’ll have to go back to school after all, so we’ll have something to talk about at family things.”

“I don’t know about the sister-in-law part.” Beatrice said it gently, trying not to disappoint Kelly too much. “I’ve tried pretty hard for him, and he’s made it clear he doesn’t want me, even so. But that doesn’t have anything to do with you going back to school. You should do that, anyway,” Beatrice told her. “Not for me, or for Warren, or even for Nate. For yourself. You know, to take control of your life.”

“Okay, Dr. Phil.”

For a long moment, the two women regarded each other in silence. Finally, Beatrice spoke. “Do you—um, do you want to come in?”

Kelly shook her head. “No, thanks. I didn’t really come here to harass you. I was trying to make sure, you know…” She sighed. “God, I’m as bad at talking about this feelings stuff as Quinn is. Honestly, I came because I was wondering if you would go back to my house with me.”

Beatrice’s eyes went wide. “You want me to go to your—to Warren’s house? That’s why you came here? Then why did you act like that?”

Kelly gave her a sheepish smile. “Quinn tells me I can be pretty impulsive. I was planning to be rational and convince you he loves you and we’ll all work together to give you both more time together, but when I got here, I had to make sure you wouldn’t—”

“You think he loves me?”

A rather eloquent snort was her answer. “Damn, you two are impossible. I can’t tell you that. You have to ask him. I’m glad I’ll never fall for someone like that again. Now, are you coming?”

Beatrice shook her head. “I can’t.” At Kelly’s face, she sighed. “I want him, and I love him, but I need more from him now than I would have accepted even two weeks ago. Every time he thinks he’s getting too close, he pulls back into the excuse of his family. And I know you are all wonderful, and worth every last bit of his attention. But if he wants me, I need more than lip service at this point.” She grinned. “Besides, if I ever do decide to go to him and beg, I won’t do it because his
sister
told me to.”

Kelly scowled again, looking like she wanted to argue, but instead she nodded. “Yeah, okay. You’re right. You deserve more than that.” She turned to go, but stopped and looked back at Beatrice. “But for what it’s worth, he deserves
you
. And I mean that as the highest compliment.”

Beatrice nodded, her throat feeling suddenly tight, and with that, Kelly was gone.

Chapter Twenty-Four

Warren was in the living room, studying the photos Beatrice had taken of the explosion at the high school, which had made papers in several cities. The one that was most often used was of him, standing alone in front of the burnt-out entrance of the fieldhouse, staring at the barricade of police cars.

It had jarred him to see himself through her eyes. Alone. Solemn. But there was a hint of vulnerability there too, that she had somehow captured in a single expression. She was amazing. Smart and beautiful and perceptive and—

“I believe she loves you, for what it’s worth.”

His head jerked up to find Kelly standing in front of him.

“What are you talking about?” He was growling at Kelly, he knew, for no good reason, but he didn’t feel like reining himself in right now.

“Beatrice,” Kelly said nonchalantly, as though she weren’t ripping his heart out by simply saying that name. “I talked to her.”

“You did
what
?”

“I went to her apartment just now and talked to her.”

Holy fuck.
“Define ‘talk’.”

Kelly at least had the grace to blush, something she didn’t do often these days. “I might have yelled a little too.”

“God,” Warren groaned, dropping his face into his hands. “Boundaries, Kelly. Has it never occurred to you that I’m a grown man and there are
boundaries
?”

But she held her ground. “I like her, Warren. I know you do too. I know you
love
her. But you’re not giving her a reason to believe in your love, you know.”

His head jerked up and he stared at her in disbelief. “What the hell are you talking about? You think I’d be unfaithful or—”

Kelly shook her head. “No! Shut up and let me talk, okay?”

Sisters.

“Look, I know how it feels to go through life thinking you no longer have control over your own path and instead you’re left taking responsibility for everyone else’s while yours goes to shit.”

God, was that really how Kelly felt? He’d tried so hard to make things better for her…

“I can also tell you’re already beating yourself up about what I just said, you know. And that’s just ridiculous.”

“I don’t have time to date her,” he muttered. “It’s not for lack of wanting. But my life is full enough already. I can’t spare—” He broke off, turning to look out the window, not wanting to face the truth of how ridiculous his words sounded even to himself.

Kelly sighed. “You and I both know that’s a stupid excuse. I’m not saying that I don’t recognize how much you’ve done for me. For all of us. But you’ve been living on the fringes of life for too long, always doing things for others but not really getting involved. You think it’s because you’re shouldering too much responsibility, but you’re the one putting the responsibility on yourself in the first place. And it’s a dead-end road living like that. You can’t carry the weight of the entire world on your shoulders forever. You’ll end up crushed. It’s time to live your life and quit trying to control everything from the outside.”

Control. He’d wanted to give it up for a while. A control he hadn’t even had in the first place, but had tricked himself into thinking he did, grabbing at anything in a frantic bid to stay upright, not to go sliding off those scales.

She puffed out a breath. “I mean, you do practically everything for us. Mom, Dad, Nate…me.” Her voice had dropped, and she was speaking so quietly now that he had to work to hear her. “And God, Quinn, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that. But you said you couldn’t be with her because you couldn’t give her what she needed. That she would leave you when she realized you gave too much time to your family, when
you’re
the one that chose
us
over
her
.
You’re
the one who decided she couldn’t handle your life and then pushed her away. If anyone should be afraid of getting left someday, it’s Beatrice. But from what she says, she fought for you again and again. How much more proof do you need?”

Well. Shit.

For a moment, Warren just sat there, nonplussed.

“We’ve been dependent on you for too long. It got too comfortable, but we could be doing more. We’ve all been trying to, these past couple of weeks.”

He knew. He’d realized. And it had freed up his life for living.

He’d done a piss-poor job of taking advantage of that, though.

“Maybe it’s time to stop trying to keep us under control and instead let us stand on our own,” Kelly said softly. “We might even surprise you.”

“She hates me,” was all he could say.

Kelly was silent for a while, staring at him, her jaw working as she studied his hunched shoulders and fisted hands. Finally, she said, so softly he had to strain forward to hear her, “If you really believe that, then you don’t deserve her, anyway.”

Kelly was right.

And he didn’t really believe that.

Warren nodded slowly, feeling too many things at once, wishing Beatrice were there to soothe him. She knew everything he needed, and he’d not only let her go—he’d pushed her away.

He’d been a fool.

He rose. “You know, I’ve been thinking…I know it’s a big change, but it’s possible it might be time for me to move out.” He shrugged, acting like this was a minor announcement and he talked about things like this all the time. “I mean, every kid has to leave the nest someday, right?”

“Right.” Kelly came forward and hugged him, quick and fierce. “Come on. I’ll help you search the real estate ads.”

* * * * *

“Miss Lawrence?”

The following Friday afternoon, Beatrice was stirring milk into her tea in the break room when someone said her name, and she turned to see Ben and Brewer standing in the hallway, wearing their uniforms. For a second, her heart skipped a beat, and she looked around to see if Warren was there too.

No such luck.

She’d been holding out hope all week—ever since Kelly’s visit—that Warren would come to her. But the days had passed, and even though this past Wednesday had been easier to get through than the last one without him had been, she’d still found it tough.

At least the gallery show was coming along. She’d worked with Tenny to nail down the final pieces for exhibit, had taken his advice on pricing—which was much higher than she’d thought her work was worth—and had met Michelle for coffee, to get to know the other woman better as a friend instead of a mentor or a Domme.

It was helping her get through the days without thinking too much of Warren. Taking hold of her own life had been the right thing for her to do. She was starting to become someone she’d never even dreamed she could be.

But she missed him, just the same. She wanted to be that someone
with
Warren
, not alone.

“Hey, Ben. Hey, Brewer. What’s up? And what’s with the
Miss Lawrence
?” She looked between the two of them, realizing that both were wearing their “cop” faces—solemn expressions more fitting for a funeral than a casual visit to the newspaper offices.

“Miss Lawrence, we need you to come with us, please.”

She looked at Ben askance, trying not to panic that maybe something terrible had happened to Warren. “Is this some kind of weird joke Nina put you up to?”

Brewer stepped forward. “I’m afraid not. We’ve got orders to take you to the station, ma’am.”

“I’m under
arrest
?” She practically shrieked it.

Ben held up a hand, dropping his somber expression.
“Hey, wow. Um, no no, wait, it’s a misunderstanding. We’re not here to—”

But Brewer shushed him. “You’re a shit actor, man. You dropped that like a rookie.”

Actor? This was some kind of play they were putting on? But Brewer had said Nina hadn’t made them do it. Who—?

Oh.
Oh.

Hope flared, and a smile spread slowly across the face. She set down her teacup and nodded. “Okay. Yeah, I’ll come with you guys to the station.”

Brewer nodded, looking as grave as he had when they’d first walked in, but Ben was already grinning. She didn’t miss how Brewer elbowed him as he escorted her out the door and to the elevator, but Ben only chuckled.

They headed to the street where they opened the back door of the squad car they’d driven over in, and Beatrice slid in, trying not to bounce with excitement on the seat.

“I never thought I’d actually be
happy
to be in the back of a police car,” she muttered to herself, just before the two officers got into the front.

They pulled away, zooming toward the station, and—if her hopes were being realized—to Warren.