God, No! (17 page)

Dear Penthouse,

I never thought I’d write a letter to Penthouse, but I finally had an experience that I think might interest your readers.

I was a guest on a morning talk/comedy radio show in San Francisco. The host of the show—I’ll call him Alex Bennett—is a good friend, and I’m on the show often. We were discussing a vacation I was planning with a girlfriend to the Caribbean. We were planning a trip to a small island near the equator to do lots of scuba diving. Because discussions of scuba don’t hold people’s attention during “drive time,” Alex asked if my date and I were going to be able to have sex underwater. I said, with a great deal of bravado, that it was a done deal, of course we would have sex underwater.

Alex asked me to put my money where my mouth was and bet me, on the air, $100 that I could not have an orgasm under forty feet of seawater. He had thrown down the gauntlet, and I took the bet. When he found out that my “dive buddy” was to be a model he had seen on TV, he began to worry, but in the end felt secure that the pressure (of winning the bet, rather than the pressure of forty feet of water) would stop me from spurting in Davy Jones’s locker.

I am not a very experienced diver, but I have access to some real pros who were more than happy to give me advice. They assured me that Alex had taken a “sucker bet.” I would win. The only problem, they said, was keeping the pussy moist enough to fuck. The salt of the sea “dries up” the mucous membranes and it can be a really gritty fuck if you don’t plan ahead. The divers I talked to had experimented with many lubricants (one even claimed to have done it with the silicone used for ship motor lubrication) and they concluded that coconut oil was the way to go. Their other piece of advice was to apply the oil on shore, topside. “Get her wet on the inside before she’s wet on the outside” seemed to be the aphorism.

I planned all this with my “dive buddy,” and she felt confident that the $100 was as good as in the bank. She has a professional model™–
quality
body and face. She’s five feet ten with firm medium-size tits, a perfect ass, and a face that, alone, can get anyone’s dick hard. This woman can make a dead man cum. She was ready.

We arrived on the island and took a few dives to get into the swim of it. It was the best diving I’ve ever seen, and because the hotel is just for divers, air tanks were always available and anyone was welcome to dive the reef off the wharf at any time.

When the day arrived, we decided I would wear boxer shorts and she would wear a tiny string bikini. My dick would come right out the fly, and the fabric of her bathing suit would only have to slide to one side to make her completely accessible. We started preparing in our room. She sucked my cock for a while, greased my hard cock up with coconut oil, and carefully put my cock back in my boxers. I ate her cunt, and even though the coconut oil seemed redundant in her dripping pussy, I applied it liberally with my fingers. We were pretty greasy.

We went down to the dock and got all our equipment. Scuba is a very proppy sport, and it was hard to do all the buckles and read all the gauges when we still felt in the middle of fucking and a little glazed. It was a bit scary. We swam out to the side of the reef, went down until our depth gauges read about fifty feet, and found a place to stand. We were told by other divers that it was much cooler if you were just floating, but we wanted to get our bearings to start. She had undone her top while swimming down and as she stood on the reef with the vest straps flanking her naked tits, she was ready.

I took the regulator out of my mouth, held my breath, and sucked on her tits. She has big nipples anyway, and the cold of the water and the blue tint of the filtered light made them look amazing. I sucked on her nipple hard until I needed air, took a breath off the regulator, and went back to sucking. After repeating that process a few times on each breast, I pulled her bikini bottom aside, licked her clit, and exhaled, tickling her cunt with the air bubbles. She pulled my head up; we both took our regulators out and kissed really hard and salty. She climbed down my body and pulled my dick out of my boxers. The magnification
of the water does wonders for one’s ego, and the blue tint of the water gave my hard-on a really pleasant purple hue. She did a remarkable job of breath control, sucking my cock between breaths and blowing air bubbles against my balls.

During all this we went away from the reef to be “weightless.” It was really difficult to keep the buoyancy and depth constant with the two of us, with no reference points and our minds wandering away from gauges and toward fucking. There were lots of fish around, and I was keeping an eye on my dick (this is not a joke, yellowtails are used to being fed underwater and they will bite).

She likes sex fairly rough, so I took my regulator out of my mouth again and bit her nipple hard. I heard her scream with pleasure through her regulator, and this may have been the best part of the whole experience. We were really excited at this point, breathing hard and going through our air like crazy.

It was time to fuck. I don’t think we needed the oil, my cock went in easy, and the “weightlessness” was really trippy. This woman always enjoys sex, and as we fucked underwater she completely forgot where she was and began screaming, sending us up and down, which scared me a little (it’s very dangerous to change pressure too fast, you can get little bubbles in your brain that kill you). We fucked really hard; I was able to spin us around and upside down and get my finger up in her asshole. She came a couple of times, and even through the water I heard her screaming out of the regulator. It was really an out-of-the-world fuck.

Now (here’s the important part for the bet), while I had my dick in her cunt I felt that kind of half-cum thing (where you feel an orgasm and you want to take a little break but you know you’re going to cum again in a little while and really spurt) inside her. My dick was jumping around in her cunt and I was making those white-boy-James-Brown sounds and stuff. After that I pulled out of her, grabbed my dick, and started jerking off while she played with my balls.

We’d been there a while and ALL these fish were around (yellowtails, parrot, and trumpet fish—I don’t think they were watching us, I think they thought this might be our way of getting food for them), and we had gone from forty feet to seventy feet and back again a couple times. She took her regulator out of her mouth and tried to make me cum in her mouth, but I knew that timing was going to be way too complicated. I jerked for a while, looking at fish and her hard cold nipples, and then I looked at my air supply. We’d only been down eighteen minutes, but I was way below 1,500 pounds. That means I was using air more than twice as fast as normal.

We headed back, skipping our decompression “safety stop” (which we could have really needed), and went back home. My “dive buddy” was freezing from diving without her wet suit. When we got into bed we fucked for a long time and I came hard. When we finished this shore fuck session, she was elated because we had won the bet and I was bummed because we’d lost. She said she felt me cum inside her. I said that I felt that Alex wanted a spurt, he wanted a “money shot.” Now, on this trip we were averaging three fucking sessions a day, and even though we always had fun, sometimes I just didn’t “have that much jam.” It would feel like I was cumming but nothing would squirt out. This is what had happened underwater.

We tried one more underwater fuck, but right after I put it in we started floating up—I’d hit the wrong button on my buoyancy control vest and we went up almost twenty feet fast. This is very dangerous and it freaked us enough that that was the end of that session. These were the only two fuck sessions that we planned. We couldn’t do it spontaneously, because my “buddy” really needed a wet suit to dive without freezing and we couldn’t fuck with her in a wet suit. Also, she might have been wet enough without the oil, but we weren’t sure and she wasn’t comfortable greasing up in front of the other divers on the boat.

I really didn’t know if I won or lost. I felt Alex wanted a “money shot” underwater, with fish gobbling up my sperm like so many
yellow-tailed biker chicks, but maybe just orgasm was fine. I’m sure I could have given a good spurt if we laid off sex for twenty-four hours beforehand, but fuck that shit, it was only a hundred bucks and some pride, for Christ’s sake. I talked to Alex, and we decided we would call it a tie. I didn’t make a penny, and I didn’t pay anything. But all things considered, I won.

Plan the dive
                            

Dive the plan,
                          

(Name and address withheld by request)