Godless And Free (2 page)

1.
Response to the Blasphemy Challenge

February 8, 2007

Hello everybody, I’m Pat Condell, and I deny the holy spirit. Yes, I do.

I deny the holy spirit in the morning, in the evening, and again last thing at night I make a point of actively denying the holy spirit.

Indeed, when I’m not busy denying the holy spirit I’m not doing anything, because guess what – I’m always denying the holy spirit.

That’s right, waiting at a bus stop, you might be filing your nails or reading a magazine. I’m denying the holy spirit.

Walking down the street, you’re gazing into shop windows, whereas I’m doing something useful – denying the holy spirit.

Why do I deny the holy spirit? Well, because if blasphemy was good enough for Jesus Christ, it’s good enough for me.

And besides, like everyone else, I’ve seen what passes for the holy spirit in action, and I know that the holy spirit, if it ever existed, was long ago hijacked by criminals and liars, and is now as empty as a born again Christian smile.

And this is why denying the holy spirit now takes up so much of my time I’m literally burning the Bible at both ends.

That’s right, whether awake or asleep, I joyously deny the holy spirit every day and in every way – upwards, downwards, backwards, forwards, sideways, inside out, back to front and upside down in perpetuity, or forever, whichever lasts longer.

Every moment of my life is a precious jewel of opportunity for me to deny the holy spirit and every nasty little thing it stands for.

Every breath I take, every word I utter, my every action down to the minutest detail is calculated specifically to deny the holy spirit – that spiteful, vindictive and truly unholy spirit of the mythical psychopath in the sky.

As for you, I can’t tell you what to do. But if you’ve got any sense, and if you care about your children’s sanity, you’ll deny the holy spirit, because the holy spirit denies you, as it denies me, and all of humanity.

The holy spirit can be summed up in three words: “Thou shalt not!”

Whatever you want to do, you can’t, you shouldn’t, you mustn’t, you won’t. And if you do, you’ll be tortured forever.

That’s why the holy spirit is our enemy, not our friend. It wants us to deny our own nature, to remain fearful, ignorant and ashamed, to hate others as we hate ourselves, and to die without living, not to live without dying. And that in a nutshell is why I deny the holy spirit. Thank you very much. Peace.

2.
Hello America

February 18, 2007

Hello America. I’m Pat Condell, and I’m your friend, because I live in the UK, and our two countries have quite a lot in common, apart from the fact that everyone else on the planet hates our guts.

We speak the same language, you and I, we share the same culture, more or less, and we worship the same god – a just god, a jealous god, a psychotic god whose vengeance is terrible to behold, especially if we’ve got anything to dowith it. Praise the Lord.

Your president is a born again Christian, in the sense that Dracula was born again when he rose from the grave – or was that Jesus? Hmm. Do we drink his blood, or does he drink ours? I’ve often wondered about that one.

Our prime minister is also a Christian, although I’m not sure if he’s been born again. Truth is a lot of people in my country are now sorry he was ever born in the first place.

But you have a particular brand of Christianity in America which is unique and extremely creative, in that it bears absolutely no resemblance to the message of the prophet it supposedly reveres, and is in fact diametrically opposed to every single thing that he ever said without exception, which, if nothing else America, shows incredible balls on your part.

In Britain we have an established church, which means that we are officially a Christian country. But, like you, we don’t discriminate. We’ll sell arms to anyone, and we really don’t care what atrocities they’re used for, as long as the money is right, because business is business. Praise the Lord.

Because God is on our side we both know that when our country is doing evil it’s good evil as opposed to evil evil. And we know that good evil always defeats evil evil, except when evil evil cunningly disguises itself as good evil and becomes born again – then you’ve got a whole new ballgame.

And your president plays this particular game very well indeed. We all know his history. We know how he used to be just a useless cocaine-snorting drink-driving draft-dodging daddy’s little rich boy hellraiser, until one day, after a chat with Billy Graham, he had a revelation that he had been chosen by God to be a dangerous delusional bigot. He was quickly shoehorned into the governorship of Texas where he finally found he had a talent for something – signing death warrants, praise the Lord. And from there it was just a short step to George W. the Lionheart, president of all Christendom.

They say he’s very well connected, your president, and this doesn’t mean that his joints are all reinforced with steel wire – nothing as sinister as that. It simply means that he has a lot of corrupt and powerful friends who will stop at nothing to get their way. And by his own admission he invaded Iraq because one of these friends, namely God, instructed him to.

Now I’m not going to try and tell you that your president George W. Bush is insane, because the way I see it you don’t actually need to be insane if you’re George W. Bush. If you’re a cynical small-minded nasty little born again hypocrite with a Bible in your hand, then frankly you’re already holding a royal flush, and you don’t need any more cards.

And besides, he’s more than ably assisted in all his endeavours by our own insane Christian prime minister, another little man with blood on his hands which he didn’t get from having nails hammered through them, although I’m sure his press office would like us to believe otherwise.

And we all know that he joined in with the invasion of Iraq because he felt the hand of history on his genitals, and because he wants a cowboy hat. The way he walks when he’s with Bush, it’s like they’re on their way to the OK Corral, or some other gay club.

Butt turns out that some people in Iraq, for some inexplicable reason, don’t actually want freedom and democracy imposed on them from outside, which just proves the truth in the old saying, America, that you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him suck your cock.

But never mind, because we’re still here, and we still love you. Yes, we do. And let me just say that we don’t feel at all used or defiled by you, America. Well, maybe we do just a little. Actually, maybe quite a lot. But it’s worth it for the privilege of being friends with you, even if you do insist on taking our fingerprints before you’ll let us into your country.

Because frankly, America, you’ve saved our bacon. If not for you, we wouldn’t be the high profile country we are in the world today. Having lost an empire we were ready to be shunted away into the sidelines of history and forgotten.

But now, thanks to you and your glorious mission from God, we find that we still have a role to play in the world, poking our nose in where it’s not wanted, stealing and wasting every precious resource we can get our greedy hands on, and kicking the shit out of brown people – the way Jesus would have wanted.

So thank you for that, America. I can’t tell you how proud that makes me feel. I really, really can’t. But it’s human nature to live in hope, so let me just say in closing, America, as one friend to another, get well real soon. We’re all praying for you. Peace.

3.
What Have I Got Against Religion?

March 4, 2007

Somebody asked me this week: “What have you got against religion?”

That’s a tough one. I’m suspicious of religion, and that’s unusual for me because normally if something sounds too good to be true, I’m in – where do I sign?

But with religion, something is holding me back, and I’m not sure what it is. It could be the shameless hypocrisy, the arrogant self-righteousness, the wilful ignorance, or the cynical indoctrination and poisoning of young minds with prejudice and hate. It’s difficult to say exactly.

I do know that, given half a chance, religion would control every aspect of my life whether I want it to or not, and would impose a morality on me, telling me what to think, what to believe, and who to attack and kill for believing something else.

Thus, religion is the natural home of the psychopath.

Historically, whenever religion gets any power the result is always repression.

If it could, I’m sure it would bring back crucifixion. So that’s one thing I’ve got against religion.

Another thing, since you ask, is this book
(holds up Bible)
, the Bible, or the Holy Bible, as it’s jokingly referred to here on the front cover; the costume drama from hell, a mesmerising soup of image and metaphor into which any fantasy can be read, and by which any horror can be justified.

They call the Bible the good book, and yes, if you’re looking for blood and guts, sadistic cruelty, meanness of spirit, and general psychopathic insanity, then this might be what you’d call a good book – this might be the book for you.

But if you’re looking in the Bible for a guide to living a compassionate, wise and humane life, well then frankly you’ve got more chance of finding a lap dancing club in Mecca, or a virgin in a Catholic orphanage.

If this book is truly the word of a loving and merciful God, then all I can say is it’s a suicide note.

Although, I will admit it’s possible for the Bible to be used for good, of course it is. For example, if you were to take a nice thick hardback copy of the Bible, insert it sideways into George W. Bush’s born again anus, and then hammer it up there nice and tight with a very large mallet, that might do some good.

I’m no expert, but I really think it would do him good, and I also think it would greatly enhance America’s somewhat tarnished image abroad. You know it makes sense.

Finally, to all the Christians who have contacted me recently, quoting scripture and preaching Jesus – you know who you are. Yes please, by all means carry on preaching Jesus to me all you like, that’s fine. But if you’re not also imitating Jesus in your daily life then you might want to think about preaching something that’s more in line with your actual beliefs, and not your pretend ones, otherwise you could go a little crazy.

In other words, if you can’t practise what you preach, then at least have the decency to preach what you practise.

Well, those are just a few of the things I’ve got against religion. If anyone has any more stupid questions I’ll be happy to answer them as well. Peace.

4.
The Trouble with Islam

March 16, 2007

I’d like to say a few things about Islam, if I may.

Here in the UK religion was always pretty dormant until Muslims came along and started burning books, passing death sentences, and generally demanding special treatment for no good reason.

But they showed everyone else what can be achieved by bullying and intimidation, so now every crackpot in the country feels entitled to respect for their precious beliefs – beliefs often lifted wholesale from the ramblings of some ancient desert nomad with a psychological disorder.

It does seem quite ironic to me that the very people who have clearly made no attempt to think for themselves are always the most vocal in demanding respect for their “ideas”.

Some Muslims go further and claim they’re victimised in British society, but I don’t believe that’s true. I do think people are getting fed up with hearing about Muslims all the time, and they wish Muslims would just shut up and get on with their lives instead of constantly bellyaching about nothing. But that’s not the same as being vimised.

But, because we live in a liberal democracy, and therefore have certain double standards to maintain, any criticism of Islam or of Muslims draws the immediate accusation of Islamophobia, a dishonest word which seeks to portray legitimate comment as some kind of hate crime, when the truth is Islam has a chip on its shoulder the size of a mosque and it looks to take offence at every opportunity.

Some Muslims, it seems, are almost permanently offended about something or other. And yet you never hear a peep out of any of these people when some young Muslim girl is murdered for bringing dishonour upon her insane family. Suddenly everyone’s looking at the floor then.

They keep telling us that Islam is a religion of peace, but all the evidence says it’s a religion of war. Its holy book urges Muslims to conquer the world and subjugate everyone to the rule of God.

If Islam had its way elections would become a thing of the past, and the rest of us would be living in the past for the foreseeable future.

And some people are very keen to bring this situation about, especially these loud-mouthed rabble-rousing Islamic clerics who we always hear praising the suicide bombers as glorious martyrs. Yet curiously you never hear about any of these enthusiasts blowing themselves up for the glory of God. They’re always very keen to delegate that particular honour. Despite the guarantee of all those luscious virgins waiting for them in heaven, these guys are so selfless that they can always find somebody more deserving.

Of course, the whole seventy-two virgins scenario has become something of a comedy staple, and with good reason, but it does have one serious problem, and that is that the virgins are likely to be good wholesome Islamic virgins (because there won’t be any infidel riffraff in heaven) so presumably they’ll have brothers and cousins and uncles who are all determined to defend their honour by killing anyone who makes eye contact with them. They haven’t really thought this whole thing through, it seems to me. For this they blow themselves up? Wouldn’t it be easier just to get an inflatable woman and blow her up? And then if one of your friends happens to glance at her with lustful eyes, you can simply stone her to death and get another one in the usual way.

Also, I think Muslim women in Britain who cover their faces are mentally ill. I realise that in some parts of the world women don’t actually have any choice in this matter, governed as they are by primitive pigs whose only achievement in life is to be born with a penis in one hand and a Koran in the other. But it just seems to me that if God had intended you to cover your face then in his wisdom he would have provided you with a flap of skin for the purpose. Of course if it gave you any sexual pleasure it would have to be removed; that goes without saying.

But I don’t want to be too hard on Islam here for two reasons. Firstly, I don’t want to be murdered by some hysterical self-righteous carpet-chewing book-burning muppet with shit for brains.

And secondly, I think we do need to make allowances for Islam, because we have to remember that it is quite a young religion, so maybe right now it’s just going through a difficult age; a little headstrong, full of itself, thinks it knows all the answers – but I’m sure it will learn.

I thinears from now a lot of intelligent Muslims will be looking back all this medievalism and jihad nonsense with embarrassment and shame, like the Germans do with the Nazis, and maybe then we can all have a good laugh about it.

But in the meantime, I think any religion that demands earthly vengeance and retribution, for any reason, is not really a religion at all, but an illness, and should be treated as such.

Peace, and I mean that most sincerely.