Going Nowhere (24 page)

I felt him look over at me, but I focused completely on my reflection in the window. “I don’t think that’s a good idea right now. I’m sorry. I gotta go we’re pulling up to the departure area.”  I was surprised to see he was right, it felt like no time had passed. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, man, I can’t.” I felt horrible for Declan, his voice was wobbly, and indication of how upset Jase was. “I’ll be back soon. All right, man. I’ll see you soon, ok? Bye.”

“Marisol, look at me.” I didn’t want to, not after hearing that side of the conversation, but I wasn’t a coward anymore so I turned towards him and felt my eyes fill at the sadness on his face. “I know you need time.
I get it
, but hearing what I just heard? When you’re able, you need to listen. He’s destroyed.”

What could I say to that? Nothing
. So I just nodded and got out of the car. He came around the other side, carrying my bag and gave me a tight hug.

“It’ll be
all right, ok kiddo?” He ducked down until he saw my eyes. I tried to smile for him, but it came out more like a grimace. I felt hollowed out; numb and so incredibly tired I just wanted to crawl in bed.

“Bye Declan. Thank you.” I said quietly.

The flight home was weird. I always thought it was impossible to think of “nothing.” Like when people say that
after you ask them that question, but I truly couldn’t think. I lost my best friend and my love in one clean cut. I did it myself, but I knew that I had to. I am so mad at him still.

I rubbed my eyes when the captain announced our decent. They were dry from crying. I could feel how swollen my face was and if the looks I was getting from the other passengers was any indicat
ion, I looked like shit. When the plane landed, I made my way off the plane in a stupor. Is it possible to be in a coma while awake? I heard my name called and looked up to find Emily looking pretty much how I felt. I walked over to her and she immediately pulled me into a hug.

“Let’s get you home.” She said in a teary voice. I still didn’t say anything. Nor did I say anything on the way home or when she tucked me into bed. Crawling in next to me she laid down facing me. “Mari, say something.” I sighed and closed my eyes. On one hand I felt weird talking to her because she was Jason’s sister, but on the other hand she was my friend. Thinking back to Declan, I didn’t know what to do.

“What do you want me to say?” I asked in a deadened voice.

“Anything. You’re scaring me! I don’t think I’ve ever seen you so quiet.” I knew she was trying to lighten up the mood but I could feel myself slipping back into the place I was months ago and I was helpless to stop it.

“Did you talk to him?” I asked. I wanted to smack myself for even asking, but I couldn’t help it. She sighed and flopped onto her back.

“Yeah.”

“How is he?” I squeezed my eyes shut, causing tears to run down my face. I guess I could still cry.

“About as good as you are right now. He feels awful.” She said in a teary voice and I knew she wasn’t telling me everything. I don’t think I could really hear it anyways.

“I love him so much, Em! I love him so much and he hurt me so badly! I feel like I’m drowning again. Except this time he can’t save me. I don’t know what to do!” I sobbed, finally letting loose.

She just held me as I cried and cried. We lay like this for a long time, her holding my hand, letting me cry while she whispered nonsensical things to try and soothe me. I cried myself to sleep that night, thankful for the blissful oblivion that it provided.

“Marisol, you have to get up.” Emily said. It was Sunday afternoon and I haven’t moved from my spot in the bed. “Marisol, are you listening to me?” I just turned over on my side away from her and pretended to go back to sleep.

Sometime later I felt someone crawl in bed beside me. Opening my eyes I stared into familiar green ones and my heart lurched at the sight of them.

“What wrong, Mari?” Mikey asked softly, putting a little chubby hand on my cheek. I felt a tear slide down my face at the sound of his sweet little voice. “Why you so sad?”

I didn’t know what to say to him. Obviously I couldn’t give him the whole truth of what happened so I gave him the only one I could. “I miss Jason.” I said in a wavering voice. Mikey sighed and snuggled close to me so our noses were touching.

“Me too.” He whispered.

I finally went home Sunday night, I didn’t want to scare Mikey and I needed to sleep in my own bed. My parents were obviously worried, but didn’t bother me, which led me to believe that someone told them what happened. My mom just hugged me
and my dad kissed my forehead and it was exactly what I needed. I changed out of my two day old clothes and slipped on the first thing I grabbed off my floor. As soon as the smell reached my nose I started to cry again. It was one of Jason’s hoodies. Crawling into my bed, I burrowed my nose into it and inhaled, letting myself miss him. I fell asleep like that.

When I woke up Monday morning, I woke up to another set of eyes staring at me. If I weren’t such a mess I would have been freaked out. I whimpered when I saw it was my sister.

“Hey, Pinky.” She said quietly.

“Hi, Brain.” I whispered back. She grabbed my hand and held it for a moment. “What are you doing here?”

“You need me, where else would I be?” She said like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

I closed my eyes and thanked God for the people in my life. I knew that I wouldn’t sink back into that same depression this time. I had opened myself up completely to
other people, thanks to Jason, and although I got hurt, I also gained amazing friends and a better relationship with my sister.

“Is it fucked up how much I miss him even though I’m the one who left?” I asked. She blew out a breath.

“Ok, I’m going to be honest with you.” She said, causing me to open my eyes. “There was a time, for about a month, when Johnny and I broke up.” My eyes widened in shock, I could never picture them breaking up. “I don’t even remember what the fight was about. A bunch of little things, I guess. They were glossing over the bigger issue in our relationship and that was that we weren’t honest with each other. It kept festering and festering until one day I blew up and kicked him out.”

“What the fuck! Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Because you were in school. And all my friends were his friends. And I didn’t really share my feelings with other people.” She turned her head and gave me a knowing look.

“What happened?” I asked, ignoring her look.

“I decided that life without him hurt more than when he lied. So we talked. And I realized that though he was lying by omission, I wasn’t sharing one hundred percent of myself with him and so he felt like he couldn’t tell me everything all the time. So stupid to think about now, that such an obvious thing could almost ruin a relationship.”

“I was completely open with Jason though. I told him things I’ve never told anyone. I
admitted I loved him. I gave up a part of myself to him that I had never given anyone and he lied. Not once, but three times. He promised that he wouldn’t keep things from me, Kayla. He gave me his word and he broke it at the first opportunity.” I said angrily. She nodded in agreement.

“Yeah, Pink, he fucked up big time. I’m not saying he didn’t. And you have every right to be pissed off. But can you really say you
two are over, that you’re done? That you are willing to never be with him again? He loves you so much. And you burn bright from it. I’ve never seen you so happy. You used to be a fighter, Mari. Are you really going to give up on him so easily?” I didn’t say anything. She leaned down and kissed my forehead. “Just think about what I said, ok? And get in the shower, you smell.” With that she hopped off the bed and left.

Fucking Kayla.

For the next two weeks I thought about what she said. It played
in my mind on repeat, like a catchy song you can’t help but have stuck in your head. Jason was coming home in a couple weeks for a visit and I had to make my decision soon. I just finished putting Mikey down and was sitting on the couch when Emily came home, barging through the door like she normally did.

“Hey.” I said, smiling at her frazzled appearance. “How was work?”

“Oh my God, kill me. This guy is driving me nuts.” She huffed, plopping down on the couch dramatically. I laughed and she glared at me. “You are not appropriately responding.”

“Sorry!” I laughed. “I mean, ugh, what an ass. Let’s kill him!”

“Ha. Ha.” She snorted and then sat up. “So listen…” She began and I waved at her telling her to continue. “I read what you wrote.”

“Oh, dammit.” I moaned, sinking back into the couch and throwing my arm over my eyes. She pulled my arm away.

“No come on! I liked it.”

“You’re being nice.” I mumbled.

“No! I really did, Mari. I think a lot of people can relate to it.”

“Really?” I squinted at her. I heard the sincerity in her voice and sat up, giving her my full attention. She nodded.

“Yup! Which is why I sent it in to my editor.” She said hesitantly.

“You did what?!” I screeched and then immediately lowered my voice so as to not wake up Little Man. “You did what?” I repeated.

“Yeah and he loved it too. He wants to feature parts of it in a new column.”

“You’re shitting me!” I said completely stunned.

“Yeah! We would do a little feature every week, sharing parts of your story and eventually we would like to do a kind of Dear Abby thing, except it would be Dear Graduate, where people can email you and talk to you about what they’re going through.”

“I’m stunned.” And it was true. I literally didn’t know what to say.

“It’s amazing! How awesome!” She crowed, bouncing in her seat. “Don’t get me wrong, it needs a lot of work, but if you’re willing to do it we would hire you on as a contract writer with the option of a part time columnist depending on your readership.”

I sat back and let it sink in. My heart was pounding. Did I want to do it? I thought for a moment. Yeah…I think I did.

And then I immediately burst into tears.

“Oh no! Mari! I’m sorry! Are you mad? I’m sorry! You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to!” Emily said, panicking.

“No!” I sobbed, “That’s not why I’m crying!” I wailed. She sat back confused.

“Ok…why are you crying?”

“Because I’m so happy and the only person I want to share it with is Jason and I can’t because he’s an idiot and I’m an idiot and I don’t know how to fix it!” I wailed again. I heard her sigh and she shuffled over to me giving me a one armed hug.

“Dude, you are a mess.”

“I know!” I sobbed.

“You two need to talk.”

“No. No way.”

“Mari. I love you, but he’s hurting. There’s a lot still up in the air and obviously you miss him. Just call him. Even though it’s going to hurt you both. You need to talk about what happened.” Emily reasoned and I agreed. I really didn’t want to, but I’d been dodging his calls since I left. The breath in my throat hitched and I picked up my phone

“Ok. Please just-“ Tears filled my eyes and I worried my lip, avoiding her eyes because I hated how weak and needy I was being. This was the Marisol from a couple months ago and I hated her. Hated being her, hated others seeing her.

“I’ll be in my room if you need me.” Emily said, taking pity on me.

Giving me a quick hug, she left. Taking a huge breath I turned on my phone for the first time in a week. Immediately it started pinging with alerts to messages, missed calls, and voicemails. I ignored them because I knew that it would suck the momentum out of the moment.

Before I could think I dialed his number. My heart beep in tandem to the rings and I put my hand over it as if
to hold it in place. When it got to the fourth ring I started hyperventilating, thinking he wasn’t going to answer.

I was going to hang
up; no way was I leaving a message, when he answered. He was silent for a long time, but just the sound of his breath rushing on the other end had me shaking. I clutched my phone so hard and pressed it against my ear. A sound escape my throat, a whimpering sound that was so quiet but he heard it.

“Baby.” He said.

That one word held so much pain and relief that I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to hold off the tears that were burning for release. Letting out a shaky breath, I began to talk.

“Hi.” I said in a tiny voice
.

“Oh, God, Marisol. It’s so good to hear you.” Jason exhaled. “I’ve missed you so much.”

“Jase-” I began, but he interrupted me.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I keep breaking your trust. I said a lot of things, baby, a lot of things. All of it was bullshit, you know that right?”

I take a deep breath, dreading what I am about to do, but it’s necessary. “It’s not bullshit.”

“Marisol, Mari, I was angry. I
’ve been kicking my own ass for saying that shit to you. I’m a fucking asshole and it’s been eating me alive. Every night I see your face when I close my eyes. I can’t-“

“Jason!” I said firmly, interrupting him. “Stop. Listen.”

I wait until I hear him calm down, his breathing erratic. I can almost picture him, fingers jammed into his hair, pacing back and forth.

Forcing my thoughts back to the now I said, “We need to talk about what happened because you were right, Jase.
I ran. Like I always do and I keep proving you right. I don’t know what we need to do in order for us to trust each other. I keep giving you more of myself, but that’s not working and I don’t know if I have a lot left to give. These pieces of me? I’m still finding them and giving them to you before I figure out how they fit together.” I stand up and walk around until I find myself standing in front of a picture of Emily, Jason and Mikey. I smile a little and bring a finger up to trace his features.

“
Your fear is holding you back and it’s driving a wedge in between us. I’m not strong enough to trust enough for us both. Every time you lie, by omission or otherwise, it validates all these stupid insecurities and fears that I have of myself.” I pause for a second because the tears have thickened in my throat.

“What are you saying?” Jason asks
, the defeated anguish of his voice reverberating in every syllable. I hate myself so much in that moment, but I’m doing this for him.

I won’t be the thing that holds him back.

“I’m saying that we are breaking each other, ruining us, before we even had a real chance.” Repeating his words from so long ago.

“That’s fucking bullshit, baby.” He lets out a harsh laugh. “I’m sorry, but this? All this shit you’re saying? It’s crap. I love you. You love me. What the hell else is there?”

“You’re not hearing me.”

“I am. I’m just not believing what I’m hearing.”

“Cut the shit, Jason.” I take a deep breath, pushing the frustration down. Lashing out would not help. “You aren’t listening. Sometimes love isn’t enough.” I cringed at the cliché, but for the first time I actually understood and believed it.

“See that
sentiment right there? I will never understand because to me, love is all there is. It is enough. Nothing else matters.” He protested stubbornly.

“If that’s true then why do we keep hurting each other? I’m running scared and you’re scared of
me running.” I said, my voice cracking over the words.

We’re both silent for a long time.

“What do you want to do?” He says his voice rough with exhaustion.

“We’re not ready for each other yet. You need to focus on your career and I need to work on myself.
I’ve changed so much since I’ve met you, but I need to know if it’s because you’ve changed me or because I’ve changed and you just happened to be there at the right time. I need to know that I’m strong enough to be on my own.”

“I can’t lose you.” He says brokenly and a sob rips from my throat. I know this is the right thing to do, I know we
’ll come back to each other; it’s the in between that will devastate me.

“You won’t. You’re my forever, Jason. I love you.” I cry.

“God.” I hear his breath hitch. “So we’re done?”

“Yes. For Now.”

“Fuck. Marisol, fuck!” He groans and I hear a loud crash in the background.

“I’m so sorry.” I sob. “This is the best I can do for you right now. Focus on your music. Be the man I know you can be. Trust yourself and I’ll be here when you get back.”

“Don’t you dare do this for me.” He growls.

“I’m doing this for both of us.” I said firmly. He’s quiet again and I hold my breath.

“God, you piss me off. I love you despite yourself, you got me?”

“I know. It’s the same for me. This is the best thing for both of us, I promise you. I love you so much,
but I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”

“I don’t agree with this. You better come to your senses, Crazy.”

“I love you, Bartender.” I sigh.

He hangs up before I can say anything else and without a goodbye. A cry rips from my throat and I drop my phone.

“Emily!” I cry and in two seconds I’m wrapped in her arms.

She shushes me and calms me down until I can think past the pain. A shudder rips through me and I suck up all the hurt and reach for resolve. I made promises to him that I intend to keep.

Time to get my shit together.

Leaning back, I wipe my eyes and look at Emily.

“Tell me what I need to do to get a sample piece ready for your boss.”

“Mari-”
She begins hesitantly. I shake my head cutting her off. With a sad smile I get up off the ground and stand up straight.

“I’m done talking about things. It’s time for me to do. I’m not this weak little bitch. That man loves me. Its time I start trusting it and being the person
I know I can be, the person deserving of that love. I’m done crying so tell me what I need to do.” She continues to look at me, her own eyes bright with unshed tears and then she squares her shoulders.

“Ok. Ok, I have notes for you. I want to work on the first chapter and have a sample article ready by next week. Call my boss tomorrow and set up a meeting to go over the particulars. Are you sure you want to do all this, Mari? I feel like I’m shoving you in a direction you don’t want to go.”
She asks, biting her lip.

“I don’t know what direction I’m supposed to be going in, but this feels right. It’s doing something I love and for the first time I think I could really do this. Legitimately do this, so yes. I want to do it. I want to help others who feel lost. Who feel like they’re going nowhere.”

“All right then. Let’s get started.”