Golden
Authors: Jessi Kirby
For my grandma,
MARIETTA,
who introduced me to the simple beauty of Frost's words, and my grandpa,
GERARD,
who always believed in mine
life is made of moments. and choices.
Not all of them matter, or have any lasting impact. Skipping class in favor of a taste of freedom, picking a prom dress because of the way it transforms you into a princess in the mirror. Even the nights you steal away from an open window, tiptoe silent to the end of the driveway, where darkened headlights and the pull of something unknown beckon. These are all small choices, really. Insignificant as soon as they're made. Innocent.
But then.
Then there's a different kind of moment. One when things are irrevocably changed by a choice we make. A moment we will play endlessly in our minds on lonely nights and empty days. One we'll search repeatedly for some indication that what we chose was right, some small sign that tells us the truth isn't nearly as awful as it feels. Or as awful as anyone would think if they knew.
So we explain it to ourselves, justify it enough to sleep. And then we bury it deep, so deep we can almost pretend it never happened. But as much as we wish it were different, the truth is, our worlds are sometimes balanced on choices we make and the secrets we keep.
“To a Thinker”
â1936
There's no such thing as a secret in this town. But I'm keeping this one, just for today. I fold the letter once, twice, three times and slide it into my back pocket like a golden ticket, because that's what it is. A ticket out. Being chosen as a finalist for the Cruz-Farnetti Scholarship is my version of winning the lottery. It means Stanford pre-med and everything else I've worked for.
Icy wind sears my cheeks red as I cross the school parking lot, and I curse Johnny Mountain for being right when he forecast the late spring storm. If the biting wind and swirling white sky are any indication, we may be graduating in the snow, which is not at all how I pictured it. But today I don't
really
mind. Today the wind and I burst through the double doors together, and it carries me like someone who's going places, because now it's official. I am.
Kat's already at my locker when I get there and it gives me the smallest pause. We don't keep secrets from each other. Her eyes run over me, top to bottom, and she smiles slowly. “
You
look like you're in a good mood.” It's more friendly accusation than casual greeting, and she punctuates it by leaning back against the blue metal of the lockers and waiting expectantly.
“What? I can't be in a good mood?” I reach around her and spin the lock without looking at the numbers, try to hide my smile.
She shrugs and steps aside. “
I'm
not. This weather sucks. Mountain says it's gonna be the worst storm in ten years or some bullshit like that. I'm
so
over the frickin' snow. It's May. We should be wearing tiny shorts and tank tops instead of . . . this.” She looks down at her outfit in disdain.
“Well,” I say, trying to pull my mind away from visions of the red-tiled roofs and snowless breezeways of Stanford, “you look cute anyway.”
Kat rolls her eyes, but straightens up her shoulders the slightest bit and I know that's exactly what she wanted to hear. She stands there looking effortless in her skinny jeans, tall boots, and a top that falls perfectly off one shoulder, revealing a lacy black bra strap. Really, cute isn't the right word for her. The last time she was cute was probably elementary school. By the time we hit seventh grade, she was hot and all its variations, for a couple more reasons than just
her tumbling auburn hair. That was the year Trevor Collins nicknamed the two of us “fire and ice,” and it stuck. In the beginning I thought the whole “ice” thing had something to do with my last name (Frost), or maybe my eyes (blue), but over the years, it's become increasingly clear that's not what he meant. At all.
Kat shuts my locker with a flick of her wrist as soon as I unlock it. “So. There's a sub for Peters today, a cute one I'd normally stick around for, but I'm starving and Lane's working at Kismet. Let's get outta here and eat. He'll give us free drinks and I'll have you back by second period. Promise.” She's about to come up with another inarguable reason for me to ditch with her when Trevor Collins strolls up. Even after this long, that's still how I think of him. Trevor Collins. It was how he introduced himself when he walked into Lakes High in seventh grade with a winning smile, natural charm, and the confidence to match.
His eyes flick to me, not Kat, and heat blooms in my cheeks. “Hey, Frost. You look saucy today. Feelin' adventurous?” He dangles a lanyard in front of me, and a smile hovers at the corners of his mouth. “I got the keys to the art supply closet, and
I
could have you back before first period even starts. Promise.” He hits me with a smile that lets me know he's joking, but I wonder for a second what would happen if I actually said yes one of these days.
I meet his eyes, barely, before opening my locker so the door creates a little wall between us, then give my best imitation of disinterested sarcasm. “Tempting.” But between his dyed black hair and crystal blue eyes, it kind of is. I have no
doubt a trip to the art supply closet with him would be an experience. Half the female population at Lakes High would probably attest to it, which is exactly why it'll never happen. I like to think of it as principle. And standards. Besides, this has been our routine since we were freshmen, and I like it this way, with possibility still dancing between us. From what I've seen, it's almost always better than reality.
Kat blows him a kiss meant to send him on his way. “She can't. We're going to get coffee. And she's too good for you. And you have a girlfriend, jackass.” There's that, too, I remind myself. But I've never really counted Trevor's girlfriends as legitimate, seeing as they don't generally last beyond being given the title.
“Actually, I'm not,” I say a little too abruptly. “Going to get coffee, I mean.” I shut my locker and Trevor raises an eyebrow, jingling his keys. “I uh . . . I can't skip Kinney's today. He's got some big project for me.” Oh, the lameness.
Kat rolls her eyes emphatically. “You don't
actually
have to show up to class when you're the TA and it's last quarter. You do realize that, right?”
“
You
don't have to,” I say, matching her smart-ass tone, “because Chang has no idea she even has a TA. Kinney actually realizes I'm supposed to be there.”
The bell rings and Trevor takes a step backward, holding up the keys again. “Best four minutes you ever had, Frost. Going once, twice . . .”
I wave him off with a grin, then turn back to Kat, who's now giving me her
you know you want to
look. “Never,” I say. I know what's coming next, and I'm hoping that's enough to squash it.
But it's not, because as we walk, she bumps my hip with hers. “C'mon, P. You know you want to.
He's
wanted to since forever.”