Authors: Steve Lookner

Gone Bitch (12 page)

BOOK: Gone Bitch

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AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: Twelve Days Gone

Desi looked warily at the video camera and the script I’d handed him. “When I said ‘massage,’ I didn’t know it was gonna be weird massage,” he said.

“It’s just a little role play,” I said. “It’s not weird, it’s kinky. And recording it makes it even kinkier.”

“I don’t know how I feel about this,” he said, clearly uncomfortable.

“Look Desi, I’m a kinky girl. And if I’m gonna be with someone as more than friends, they’ve gotta be kinky. So are you down, or not?”

“I’m down, I’m down!” he said.

“Okay,” I said, getting behind the camera. “When I give the signal, you say the lines from the script. And...action!”

Desi began speaking into the camera. “Desi’s video diary, July 5th...” He stopped. “Wait, today isn’t July, it’s August.”

I gave an exasperated sigh. “We’re
role-playing
,” I said. “It’s make believe. Got it?”

“Got it,” he said.

“Okay, from the top. And...action!”

“Desi’s video diary, July 5th, 2012. Today I, Desi Collings, have decided I can no longer be just friends with Amy, and that I’m going to make her be more than friends with me whether she wants to or not. In a couple hours, I will go to her house and kidnap her. First, I will cut her in the kitchen so her blood gets on the floor. Then we’ll have a struggle in the living room, in which books fall the wrong way off the table, photos on the mantle miraculously stay upright, and the piano flips over...”

NICK DUNNE: Twelve Days Gone

Oh goody: they’re gonna arrest me today.

Gilpin called Tanner in the morning to give him a heads up that today was the day. And Tanner called me and told me to prepare to be arrested sometime around 1. I wasn’t really sure what “preparing to be arrested” involved. So I just ate a lot because I didn’t know when meal time was in jail, and also I searched my own anal cavity to make sure the prison guards didn’t find anything when they searched it.

After that, it was just a lot of sitting around Go’s house and waiting. Finally, at 12:50 p.m., there was a loud knock at the door. I opened it, ready to see Boney or Gilpin, or maybe a sheriff’s deputy.

But it was someone else.

It was Amy.

AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: The Day of the Return

Omg, Nick was sooooooo surprised when I walked in. But that was nothing compared to his surprise when I said, “Niiiiiick!” and jumped into his arms.

My plan had been just too perfect. After Desi made the recording, I let him give me a massage (ew). During the massage I was a total tease. I’d let him get just to the point where my butt began, and then would suddenly be all like, “Hey! What are you doing?” And I kept putting his hands near my boobs and saying, “I have a knot right
there
,” but then wouldn’t let him actually touch the boobs. And like the good friend zone guy he is, he kept torturing himself and giving me the massage.

Finally, when I couldn’t take it any longer, I said I was all massaged out, at which point Desi predictably went into his room to masturbate away the bluest of all blue balls. It was my window of opportunity. I grabbed the video, hopped on my Segway, and before you could say “Can you pass the Vaseline and kleenex?” I was out of there.

Now all I had to do was show the police the video where Desi confessed to kidnapping me, and everything would be forgiven.

But as I said, my plan was
too
perfect.

NICK DUNNE: The Day of the Return

I was so stunned by what was happening that for a moment, I just let Amy hug me and stood there paralyzed. Amy took advantage of my momentary paralysis and briefly opened the shades to let the gaggle of reporters outside take pictures of us hugging.

When I finally I came to my senses, I pried her off me.

“What the fuck?” I said. “You frame me for murder and disappear, and now you just show up and think we’re all good?”

“Niiiick, I didn’t frame you for murder and disappear,” she said. “I was kidnapped by Desi!” She held up a thumb drive. “And I have his video confession to prove it.”

“Yeah, I’m sure that video is totally legit,” I said.

She snuggled up to me. “Did you find the Beats headphones I left for you at the end of the treasure hunt?”

“Please. If that treasure hunt was real, why was every clue hidden in a place where I’d had sex with Andie?”

“Nick, is there any place you
didn’t
have sex with Andie?”

She had a point. Shit, maybe there
were
Beats headphones. I knew I should’ve checked the shed more thoroughly.

Amy started unbuttoning my shirt. “Nick, being kidnapped has made me realllly horny...”

Yuck. I started to push her away, but my attention was distracted by the TV, where there was a breaking news report. On one half of the screen was a photo of Desi, and on the other half a dead body was being wheeled out of a luxurious lake house.

“Holy shit, Amy! You
killed
Desi?”

Amy screwed her face up at me in confusion. Genuine confusion.

“Nick, I may be a bitch, but I’m not a murderer.”

I pointed at the TV. “Well then how do you explain that?”

AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: The Day of the Return

WTF????????

NICK DUNNE: The Day of the Return

There was a loud knock at the door. I looked at the clock: 1 p.m. on the dot. The police had come to arrest me. Apparently they hadn’t heard that Amy had returned.

I opened the door. Boney stood there holding handcuffs, with Gilpin next to her. “You’re under arrest,” she said.

I was about to point to Amy and explain everything, but it turns out I didn’t need to. Boney wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to Amy.

“Amy Elliott Dunne, you’re under arrest for the murder of Desi Collings,” Boney said, cuffing Amy. “You have the right to remain silent—”

“I didn’t murder anyone!” Amy said. “Desi kidnapped me and I escaped from his house while he was masturbating. I have a video to prove it!”

“And we also have a video,” said Gilpin. “A video of you killing Desi.”

AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: The Day of the Return

WTF????????

DESI COLLINGS: Two Days After the Return

I have out Amy’d Amy.

You see, I was sick of being in the friend zone. I’d finally had enough.

Oh, and this wasn’t a recent turn of events. I’d had enough of it when I was 16.

I had to get back at Amy for what she’d done to me: making me waste my entire adolescence in the friend zone. I could’ve been fucking other girls the whole time. Uglier ones, sure, but
high school
girls
.
Instead, I wasted all my time on her. And she knew it.

But getting back at Amy was going to take a lot of planning, and a lot of patience. I needed the perfect opportunity.

So I arranged my life so I’d be able to follow Amy’s doings. I never lived too far away from her, and of course, I stayed right there in the friend zone, hearing about her life during our regular meetups for hikes or for an early drink right before she had an actual date.

Amy told me she was thinking about disappearing. Since I was the friend who loved her so much I would never do anything to harm her, she could tell me anything and count on me to keep it a secret.

So when I saw that she went “missing,” I knew exactly what she was up to.

I also knew that she’d get into some kind of difficulty while she was on the run and need help, and when that happened, I knew exactly who she’d call. So I bought a cadaver and made it up to look like me. (Which I could do thanks to my years of makeup and special effects training that I’d undergone for this very purpose.) And then I shot a little security video of someone who looks just like Amy from behind (that would be me in a wig) killing me (that would be the cadaver).

“You’ll never pull this off,” you say. “They’ll figure out the body and video are fake.”

No they won’t. For two reasons:

Reason 1: It’s Missouri, and people are dumb.

Reason 2: Even if it weren’t Missouri and people weren’t dumb, with my family’s wealth and connections it’ll be easy to convince folks that a lengthy investigation isn’t necessary.

And what about me, you say? If the dead body isn’t me, then where am I?

I figured I’d go under the radar for a while by renting a little cabin in a dingy camping community in the Ozarks. Nobody’ll look for me here.

It’s actually not that bad. I’ve made a couple of new friends already. Their names are Jeff and Greta.

NICK DUNNE: Eight Months After the Return

Don’t get me wrong, life without Amy has been awesome. It’s just been a little different than I thought it would be.

For a few months, I took advantage of my newfound fame and hooked up with the hottest girls I’ve ever hooked up with in my life. It was fine and all, but it was never
that
fun. I think I’ve watched too much porn.

Anyway, I figured out real fast that hooking up with hot girls wasn’t gonna make my life feel complete. I needed something more, something deeper.

So I finally bailed out Go from jail, and we reconciled, started dating, and eventually got married, and now she’s pregnant. I couldn’t be happier.

I guess in a way, I owe Amy a big thank you. Because Amy taught me what was most important about being in a relationship with someone: trust. Go is the only person I can really trust in this world, so when I realized that trust is the key to a relationship, I was able to put aside those stupid societal conventions against incest and fully commit myself to my soulmate.

Our baby’s gonna be a little girl, by the way. We’re praying she doesn’t turn out to be hot. And yes, we’ve already picked out a name.

NotAmy Dunne.

AMY ELLIOTT: One Year After the Return

Tra and la! I’ve made it into a prison gang!

And not just any prison gang. I’ve made it into the gang with the hottest women: the GoneGirlz.

I’m low GoneGirl on the totem pole now, but I have no doubt that soon enough I’ll be at the top. You see in prison, it’s all about status. There’s no money, no cars, no fancy bar mitzvah you can throw for your son and invite your friends to and say, “Look how much better than you I am.” There’s just pure status.

And as a hot girl, I’ve been playing the status game all my life.

So I think I’ve finally found my home.

Here’s the thing, though: the ultimate status in prison comes from being able to make things happen in the outside world. And the ultimate way to make things happen in the outside world is to get back at those on the outside who’ve wronged you.

So while Nick, Desi, and the rest of them might think it’s over, they’d be wise to not let down their guard.

Because I’m just getting started.

About the (Real) Author

STEVE LOOKNER has quickly become one of Amazon’s top parody authors. He began his writing career as an editor of
The Harvard Lampoon
, and has written for such TV shows as
Saturday Night Live
,
MADtv
, and even an episode of
Seinfeld
. Steve is also the author of
The Fault in Our Pants: A Parody of “The Fault in Our Stars”
, and
The Relief Fisher: A Parody of Mariano Rivera’s “The Closer”
, both
available on Amazon.