Gone By (32 page)

Eighteen

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Maybe it was the parting time for me, that’s the reason slight deep heart touch moment roused within me. She then released the clutch and drove away. I stood watching her under the street light shadow that fell on me. Her car finally disappeared before my eyes. I took my step to look for the bus that was moving towards Satara. Finally, I could grab a seat, though it was not the window accessible. But I was quiet comfortable enough to sustain the three hours journey. I was seated quietly into my seat. Beside me an old man, as per his looks he was more than thirty five plus. He opened the window glass as our bus started to move on. The most simple man I’ve ever seen. His attire so simple like a normal and well educated man should be. He was a quiet type person. Neither he bothered to speak a word out. I had to join his silence. But I felt the peace after the terrific escape. When a man is silent, it is known to be said that he’s in path that misled him into worst of his life, that could possibly be enduring the despair and sorrow. Such was the rise of extreme desolation, that engulfed since the time Anannya went away from my life.

Nothing stored in my heart neither in my mind, all time I thought about her. Even now along with the every move of my life I think about her endlessly. The extreme pain of my life I’ve been enduring like a coast of sea with salty dunes residing along it’s shore. The bus began to move out from Pune city. The man beside me, selfless to utter a word but I liked his silent nature. So, did I enveloped in silent world for the travelling hours. When the memories began to flash back, felt like a screen running before my eyes. When those smiles of her shimmered out I just managed to put a brief smile on my own. Her every words and memory I could carry all through my life and perhaps it will be forever. I haven’t learn how to love but in my life the first best thing I was taught was how to love, every reason goes to Anannya. I held my every deep heart feelings and emotions so strong that I could never let it go, even if she doesn’t exist in my life now. I slid the window glass, cool breeze began to blew in, that touched smoothly and made me feel the charm in air that it carried. How am I suppose to live by now, I made no way out of it. When love doesn’t seem to show me a way, except for the endurance of life’s lesson. Still heart beats for Anannya. Maybe this life wouldn’t let me have her, but I did prayed everywhere I went every temple I visited. The next life we will flourish again to start with forever. I never knew how to rule my life, but now it feels everything empty before my eyes, surrendering myself into the hand of God. Whatever lasted in my past did made the history of my life and now I was scripting down in pages of my diary. Wherever she may be, with whom ever she may be I always felt her very close to my heart. No matter if we are apart yet something always connected me to her. And now I have been framing my life with only her memories. Every dreams and wishes are washed away into vast ocean of chronic grief and sufferings of heart. I knew now, I was too far away from her life. The only thing remained now was the spell of destiny. If ever she happened to come before my eyes, surely we shall smile and laugh. But if the wish remains a wish, it shall remain quiet forever. I shall not stop smiling, in fact she was my every reason who taught me to laugh and enjoy the moments of life. I shall always have the gratitude feelings for her in every walk of my life. That’s the reason I’m always proud to take her name Anannya in loud voice. One who gave me more than what I could want, that’s the kind of soul she was. I would never defy the depth feelings of her heart which she reciprocated during the days we were together. I know now how to show love, every credit of such changes in me goes to her. And that’s the reason she was my favourite in whole of my life. I don’t call her an angel, neither something sophisticated but yes she was something more than a human soul which she always liked to hear from my mouth.

She never pretended to be best among other but she was the enigma among all. All these things were rumbling in my head. Even my sight began to grew dimmer and I could see things blurred. Only one thing I could feel the air that touched my uncovered skin. Even I could feel the little jerk that came due to speed motion of the bus. I leaned my back smoothly, even my head rested at its back support of the seat. The old man beside hardly bothered to talk or glance outside through the window. I turned my face to look at him. His face so stiff, that it didn’t even make a movement from his usual posture. He kept continuing to look forward. I found him very possessive. But, that had nothing to do with me. I had my view out of the window. Although it was quiet difficult to get the view as I couldn’t have the window seat, rather the man beside had it. But he wasn’t so interested to give a slight look out of the window. Nothing I thought more than resting. I closed my eyes with deep breath inhaling sharply. Is it possible to stop thinking about the person you love, that was a dilemma that roused within me. Even if I gathered courage to do so, it is easily broken by those vile feelings which were hard to keep them away. Somehow there’s nothing I could do but to stay with them. Many a times I felt I’ve committed a crime falling in love. And now I can’t just let her go out of my mind. Is it the same with her. If it would be we would never be apart for so long, but it’s not the way I thought. I knew Anannya is happy with her life. By now she must have found someone in her life. It just simply says she doesn’t love me anymore. But, I do even now maybe forever. Was it fault loving her, I began to doubt my heart. No, it was she who could not take my heavenly love. Perhaps it was so much that she couldn’t able to handle it’s fragrance. Though she never said any wrong about it. I always felt I loved her like nobody could ever do, and I still do which will remain forever. Sometimes I felt she gave less chance to me to show my love, I don’t mind for that yet, I feel I’m unsatisfied cause I could show her the immense dedication which I had for her. Lastly, I only prayed let she feel my love in her terms. Was I so impotent about our love, it never figured me out. But, things do happen to change as time passes. And today I feel the pride of loving a girl like her in one part of my life. No matter, she will remember and have that strong feel for me at some corner of her heart. When the destiny doesn’t seem to work together, I have only learn to let it go. Knowing the fact only fate would decide who would be bonding with me for the rest of my life. What love gave and taught me in this life perhaps I shall keep in as print of my life for the glory of my days. And of course Anannya specially the best soul I have ever come across. I shall guide the light of our love into heaven, there shall our love be eternal and immortal. Every time pulse of heart calls out her name and that shall be preserve for the heavenly love that bonded us for the moment we had as one.

My eyes were closed. We have covered more than half a distance. Time had passed. I could roughly make out, we have travelled for two hours. Just one more hour and then I would be back to my institution. The old man even now barely uttered a word. I began to doubt if he’s dumb to speak. But, as per his gestures and movement it doesn’t seemed to be. Maybe he was extreme introvert, which is why we both matched up together not putting up into any conversation between us. The only thing he did was to slid the window glass of his side. So preserved and conservative man was he. Maybe he must be having some kind of trouble but I shouldn’t bother about it. I was even much bothering about myself. Nothing I could manipulate except to think about Anannya. I don’t know if she would come to know, I have been writing about her what would she think back again. I could give her the every reason, every answers and everything necessary for living, but would it be enough to love her. I don’t know if she will ever come back to me. All I have to stop thinking about her. But, that’s not the solution I needed. I wanted her throughout my life. Like a lover wants to be together forever. Such was my aim of my love. Not only that, I could love her even more than how I did used to. All I needed was her which she never meant to understand. There’s no final answer which she printed on my heart but the love we had been final as I supposed. Yes, indeed it was the best thing we had between us. And till today I can feel the glow out of it. Never knew we could be so much more than this, the love grew insanely between us and we were the one who fell in love. And now I truly feel crazy about her, with pure love for her I bore.

I was still leaning my head at the back support with my closed eyes. Whispering within my heart all the moments I had with her. And now, I’m a broken shadow casted with hype of sorrow and grief. I began to listen to my heart, I began to decorate with all my broken beats and reframe myself all over again. No clue how to do but I had the faith and believe in myself and gradually now I could overcome all through my life. No more doubt in my love and the exclusive endurance of pain of someone losing like her. I can tell with pride she would never be able to feel the real realm of love like I could produce for her. Such inner touch I had for her. At the time when she wasn’t present I felt like I lost the art of smiling but then now I had to reconstruct myself with the pain and sorrow. And yes it’s a better grip now. I can smile far better and quiet well as before. The reason that came was only because of her. No matter her absence mattered me lot but I’ve learned to live my life without her now. Sometimes, she floated before my eyes but then with a blink I bid farewell to her, else that would haunt me for whole of my day. That would really create the pathetic zest within me which I wouldn’t be able to face it. In every breath she used to be my reason, by now I had to cut it down as the time passed on. For now, I had no idea whether she’d be back in my life or she’d settle herself with someone whom she had fallen in love again. I don’t think this love could happen again and again. But for me it could be only once and that’s the feel I would get. Yet, everything now seemed to be fine with my life. I can only regenerate my memories I had. And yes it’s quiet healthy to stay with past memories. Who doesn’t get haunted by past, the thing depends on us how we face it and bring it out as meaning to our lives. Maybe I had fallen so deep in love with Anannya that I could burst out all inner lights for her which I had been enduring for days with every breath of my life. Certainly nothing went right the way we want. But, certain things are meant to happen for the betterment of live and that’s how we experience life. Her love taught me the best part of my life that commenced since the time I had fallen for her. Had no idea she would so meaningful and joyful human being. But, we shouldn’t forget the destiny. They had something different for us and we cannot let them down.

Thus, when the destiny puts it whole term we as simple human unable to change the way instead we surrender before their hands. Since now I had been writing memoir of my life which finally opened my eyes wide making more wise into this world. I can’t deny the fact of my actions which were indeed not true on my path but yes now I can wholly commit to myself I was learning the best part of my life and that was because of love which I got from the girl I always dreamt about, Anannya. Had she wouldn’t be in my life I wouldn’t have known who am I. That’s the brim of gratitude I still conserved for her which I do really want to pay her from the bottom of my heart. So, passionate was I for her that I could think of doing anything that could make her feel the realm of happiness, but nothing held in my hand unless one day she walked out of my life and the dream of mine left unfulfilled. How unfair did life played with me. However, that left me confine and empty within myself and I couldn’t start to protect myself from haunting thoughts of losing someone like her. At times I thought it wasn’t my hundred percent fault, many parts out of it went to her. She never let me know exactly about her life’s desire. One hint would have changed us. Maybe, she hadn’t had that strength to come up to me and express herself out. I occupy that guilty in me but that wasn’t the valid reason to abandon me.

I had no idea when we reached Satara. The conductor came up to me and signed to get me down out of the bus. The man beside me still seated. Until now he haven’t uttered a single word. I took one last glimpse of him before I could step out of the bus. The bus was halted in the station. From the front door more passengers were rushing in for the next destination. I had to come out rushing and dashing from the people around that were crowded inside the bus. Finally, I could see the night sky of Satara. Stars were fluttering around the sky. I could see them moving slowly from one position to next. I stopped for an auto. Hired it and took the way towards my college. I managed to glimpsed at my wrist watch out of faded light from the street lamp. It showed me 11:00pm night. Just fifteen minutes more until I reach my room. The auto accelerated. Even my mobile non functional, I couldn’t even rise a voice to talk to Isha. Perhaps she had been trying since yesterday, but I had to make an apology before she says anything beyond the dreadful world. My diary inside my bag and I could sustain myself without any falter which I had determined before I got into the bus leaving for Satara. Yes, I had not discussed any talk about my story with that old man seated beside me neither I opened to write. That was exactly what I wanted until I reach my room.

Finally, I could see the staircase leading me to my front door. I unlocked the door. Being a student of engineering the only thing that motivated me was my life the way I had been living. For the last two years I had been living in one complete BHK flat. Of course it was expensive to pay the rent but it least bothered me. Because in every walk of my life I always thought the good out of it. Someday, I will be earning more than this and all this would be repaid as debt. I knew my Dad would be having financial crisis many a times being very concern about that I hardly spent for unnecessary things. With lots of moral boost and living style of life I was enduring the sorrow and grieves of a lonely man. If I would knew love would be painful, I wouldn’t have let my heart directed towards it. And today I can feel how it trembled to be one as the victim. I wouldn’t blame Anannya for this, I wouldn’t hurt her for this, I wouldn’t despise her for all. Maybe be I was a fool for saying her I’m in love with you. And everything was lying strange before my eyes. I stepped into my room. My feet made a slow movement. I don’t know for some reason I couldn’t let myself feel good about the time. I just walked and sat at one corner of my bed. The main door was shut, everything was same the way I had left. The bottle of water stood stiff on my table. Perhaps I forgot, that water must have been of about fourteen days old. I drank out of no care. It tasted worst unlike water, but it did quenched my thirst. I was quiet tired enough to do any sort of cleaning of my room. I unpacked the bag. The diary was laid idle on my bed. Mobile fitted on the charging point. Should I make a call to Isha it puzzled me for some time. I undressed myself and was settled by now in the bed for my bedtime  stories. The phone rang up. I stretched my arm to reach. I pressed the receiving button and uttered out “Hello “. For the moment there was a silent from the other end.