Good Enough to Share (Good Enough, Book 1 - Christmas) (14 page)

“What about you,
Charlie?”

“Don’t worry about me, I know what I’m doing.” And I believed him.
Sophie had always told me he was the vulnerable one, but you know what? He had
it more together than the rest of us put together. The only thing holding us
together was Charlie… and Anna.

Dane didn’t even
turn round when I went in the kitchen. He was stood at the sink, his back to
me, staring out the kitchen window. His arms ramrod straight so that the
muscles in his forearms were contracted, as clenched at the rest of him. Even
in winter he only had a T-shirt on, Dane the tough guy through and through.

“You’re angry.”
Okay, maybe not that clever, but the first thing that came into my head. I
stepped up until I was right next to him and dared to hook my thumb into the
waistband of his jeans.

“I am.” His voice
wasn’t angry though, more resigned.

“Why?” This could
be a mistake, and wasn’t normally my style, but I wanted to know. I really
wanted to know what had made him stomp out of there.

“Sophie thinks she
can tell us all what to do, but she doesn’t know natch.”

“Natch?” I heard
the hint of nervousness in my laugh. “She’s only trying to help Dane.”

“I know. But
sometimes she interferes a bit too much, she seems to think that she can hide
her own fuck-ups by meddling in other people’s.”

“I don’t think
that’s entirely true. She cares about you, and Charlie.”

“I know.” He half
turned and my heart rate went up a notch as his hand came down on my waist.
“She cares about everyone except herself.”

“Meaning?” He
shook his head just the slightest bit and I knew that he wasn’t going to say a
word about whatever it was he’d been baiting Sophie about, fuck-ups or
otherwise. “Dane?”

“Mm.”

“What did she say
to make you that angry?”

“Nothing, she
didn’t say anything.” He was staring at me as though he was deciding whether to
kiss me or not. It would be quite nice if he did, but I hadn’t come in here to
let him distract me, I’d come to find out what the matter was.

“Well, what was
that comment about women and babies all about?” He withdrew then, his hand
stayed in the same place but he wasn’t there any more if you know what I mean.
There was a cold empty gap between us.

“Why the fuck does
she have to make such a big deal about the whole baby thing? It’s not
important.”

“Well it is, it’s
why Anna left isn’t it? Because she was pregnant.” I felt like I was missing
something obvious. “But what’s it got to do with anything now? I don’t think
Sophie’s obsessed with the baby thing.”

“You all are.” Oh
yeah, the women and bloody babies comment.

“I don’t think
that’s entirely true.” There was something very brittle about his jaw line when
he tensed up like he’d just done. Something that said the shutters were coming
down fast. I took a deep breath and ploughed on like some out of control train.
“Was Sally?”

He picked up the
bottle of beer that he’d opened but not started. Half raised it to his lips
then stopped. Held it between us like a barrier. “Was Sal what?”

“Obsessed with
babies?” He was looking in my direction, but seeing straight through me.

“Yeah.” The bottle
clattered back down and I waited. Men like Dane didn’t like being questioned,
he was like some stubborn mule, if I pushed him he’d kick out and run. “Yeah, I
guess she was.” He surprised me then because he put both hands on my waist and
pulled me in a bit tighter between his thighs. I let my head rest against the
broad chest, felt the warmth of him through the T-shirt against my cheek, could
hear the beat of his heart strong against me and my heart seemed to change its
beat to sync with him. He rested his chin lightly on the top of my head and I
could feel as well as hear his words. “She wanted babies, lots of babies. Her
and me didn’t seem to matter anymore, at first it was all about getting married
and then I hardly had time to breathe before she started talking baby talk.” He
sighed and my arms wrapped round him of their own accord. “I wanted to have
some fun together and worry about kids later, but it seemed to matter to her so
I said yes.” He wrapped me in a bear hug and it could have been because he
wanted to hold me, or it could have been so that he didn’t have to look at me.
“But saying yes wasn’t enough because she didn’t get pregnant. At first it was
a joke, we both laughed, then it started to be that every time we had sex it
was just about making babies. She started a fucking spreadsheet and telling me
exactly how I should do it and when.” The bark of a laugh jarred me. “I
couldn’t fuck her if it was the wrong day, we couldn’t just have a quickie
stood up, I couldn’t touch her here, couldn’t touch her there, all she wanted
to do was stick her feet in the bloody air and time me.”

“I’m sure…” I was
going to say something like it couldn’t have been like that but he stopped me.

“It was exactly
like that, it was a fucking joke, I’m a man not a bloody machine.” His grip was
tight and I was scared I’d stop breathing if he carried on, he was making a
joke of it, but he certainly didn’t find it funny.

“So she didn’t?”

“Nope. No baby. I
went for the tests she wanted, changed my bloody underpants, the lot and
nothing. Nada. I thought I still loved her, even when she told me it was over
and she needed to move on before she got too old, I still thought that maybe
there was something worth saving. But not for Sal. I’m a good shag apparently
but not a good husband.”

“But…”

“It’s not good
when your wife starts telling your parents that their son is a crap fuck and
she wants someone better.” I wanted to say to him that making babies and
fucking were too different things, but something told me that now was not the
time. I might get crushed to death.

“So you can’t have
kids?” I was just trying to distract him from the ‘crap fuck’ statement, but
I’d said the wrong thing.

He pulled back and
the look he gave me was a mix of disappointment and anger. “See what I mean,
that is all you’re bothered about, marriage and babies.”

“I didn’t say…”

“You didn’t need
to. What the hell does it matter if I can or can’t have kids? I reckon Charlie
had a lucky escape Anna buggering off like that and an even luckier one that
she lost it.”

Something hard
lodged itself in my throat. “You don’t mean that?” I couldn’t believe he’d said
that. It wasn’t him—he couldn’t be so bitter and so angry about it that he’d
wish an unborn baby dead. Not the Dane I knew, the Dane I’d slept with.

“Oh yeah, I mean
it. You know what? If falling for someone is really just all about getting a
ring on your finger and having babies then I’m well out of it.”

I stared at him as
the knot in my throat spread across my chest, he couldn’t mean it. He couldn’t
wish a child dead, however inconvenient it was. How ever much it wasn’t wanted.
“Tell me you don’t mean that?” But he didn’t, he just looked at me like he’d
had enough.

I tried to swallow
away the pain, to ignore what he’d said and concentrate on the present. “Is
that why’ve you been avoiding me, because you’re frightened I’ll want more?”

“I’ve not been
avoiding you. Okay maybe I have.” He grimaced. “Holly, I’m just here to have
fun and you’re not.”

“Yes, I –”

“It’s my fault, I
got carried away, I thought you wanted the same as me then I realized…” He
pushed his hands in his pockets.

“I don’t know what I want Dane, but you know what? It isn’t a man
like you. My mistake.” I had thought, in some stupid way that I knew him, that
we were on that same perfect wavelength, and I’d just found out I knew sod all.
He was a selfish, self absorbed idiot who didn’t give a monkey about anyone or
anything else as long his life was drifting along just fine with no women or
babies interfering. I didn’t even look at him, I couldn’t because it would have
made me cry. Because I had been so bloody silly thinking I could play his game.

Sophie was sat
next to Charlie in the lounge. They weren’t quite touching, but close enough
for me to think that they’d almost made up their differences. They both looked
at me as I clenched my fists and bit my lip to try and stop the tears coming.

“Oh, Holly. Oh
shit, Holly I’m so sorry.” Sophie jumped up and gave me a hug, which made it
all harder. “This is all my fault isn’t it? I am sorry, really sorry.” She had
her hands on my shoulders and was looking into my eyes and we were both on the
verge of tears.

“No, it’s not.
Don’t be silly.” I bit my lip to stop it trembling. Sophie was good, and kind
and right now she was sad. Whatever she’d done it had been with good intentions,
even if it felt like we were all standing like lemmings about to jump off some
cliff. “I’ll be around if you want to chat, you know.” Just not now.

She gave an
awkward smile. “I know, thanks. I’ve got to think some things over on my own. I
hate him for it, but Dane was right.”

I knew he was stood behind me, because I could sense him there and I
half expected to hear him say he was always right, but he didn’t.

So, I just picked up my bag and set off home, well back to Charlie’s
place. I didn’t want to feel sorry for myself, I didn’t want to cry, but all I
could think about was Mum and wonder why the hell she’d adopted me. My real mum
hadn’t wanted me, I’d not been good enough so she’d given me away. But at least
there hadn’t been a Dane around to wish me dead. Then there had been Mum, the
woman who had brought me up, the woman who’d shown me that it was sometime
easier to keep your distance, to not let yourself get hurt any more. I pulled
my coat tighter around me. The year was just about to end with the type of
pathetic fizzle and pop that just about summed up my life. Flat.

***

“We’re going to
have a chat.”

“Good.”

“Just a chat. It’s
just—” Charlie looked slightly embarrassed.

“Ah, you want me
out of the way?” I gave him a hug and wished the whole Christmas and New Year
holiday thing was over and it was time to go back to work and normality. All
this ‘having fun’ business was killing me. A few more days, only a few more
days. “Of course, I’ll get out of your hair.” Though I wasn’t quite sure a brisk
walk would do it, I’d be back and they’d be… well maybe carrying on where they
left off a few years ago. “Maybe you should text me when I’m allowed back.” He
laughed a carefree but dirty laugh and I knew I would miss Charlie when I moved
out and into my own place. Something that was top of my list for the year. And
even more top now that Anna was back on scene, being a gooseberry was so not my
scene.

“How come she came
back, not as in back at all, but why now?”

“She said she saw
me in town and was about to speak when Dane appeared and she ducked out, then
she came here and thought she’d made a mistake when Sophie answered the door.”

“She came back
though.”

“I know.” His blue
eyes shone, a weird mix of little boy innocent and dangerous man and I could
see why a girl wouldn’t want to let him go. “I’ve got to give it a go haven’t
I?”

“You have, or
you’ll never forgive yourself.”

“Scary.” He
grinned.

“Wimp.”

 “What’s up with
you and the cowboy?” I laughed and gave him a playful punch in the ribs, I’d
made the mistake of telling him about my cowboy fantasy one evening when we’d
had a few drinks—a day that seemed so long ago now.

“I think he’s a
lone star that one.” It hurt, but I knew now that Sophie had been wrong about
me and Dane. We’d just about got to a bend in the road and I’d almost taken it,
but he never would.

“He misses you.”

“Rubbish.”

“He’s just a big
softie under that strong silent image. Is this all about Sal?”

“A bit. He doesn’t
want a relationship Charlie, so we kind of reached the end of the road, the
next bit is a bit too rocky.” And he isn’t the type of guy I thought he was.

“He wants you.”

“He wants fun.”

“Sal hurt him you
know, really, she made him feel like he wasn’t good enough for anyone that he’d
always been a letdown. That’s why he ran away from his family and started up
here. He loves kids, is great with them, comes from a big, huggy brood.”

“Really?” I’d
never really thought about Dane as a big family man, he’d always struck me as a
bit of a loner.

“I ran away from
my folk’s money and Dane ran away from all the lurve.” I couldn’t help but
laugh at the way he said it. “He thinks he’s let them down. He gave Sally her
divorce because —”

“Hang on, she
finished it.”

“No, she was
totally obsessed about having kids and they were rowing the whole time,
throwing stuff, the lot. He finally walked because he felt guilty, ashamed that
he couldn’t give her what she wanted.”

“But she told him
she wanted a divorce, told everyone it was his fault. Are you saying he lied
about that?”

“She did tell
everyone, she made him feel a complete shit, and then two minutes later she’d
be weeping and wailing that she loved him. It was so fucking up his head.” He
took my hand in his. “He wanted her to be happy, wanted them both to be happy.
So in the end he made the decision and gave her the chance to meet someone
else. And he came here cos he thought he’d let his family down, they just
wanted him to be happy and he felt pressured to have the perfect family life
like his brother and parents and sister.” He kissed me, but it was all brother,
no trace of lover. “He’s scared Holly, just like me.”