Good Enough to Share (Good Enough, Book 1 - Christmas) (15 page)

“Bollocks.” My
phone beeped and I fished in my pocket for it instantly. I couldn’t help it, I
hated Dane and wanted him so far out of my life we were on different planets.
But I missed him. Which was driving me crazy because I didn’t want any trace
left of him in my head or my heart.

‘
Will you meet
me for a drink, please?
’

It wasn’t Dane,
which made my heart rate go back down to normal with a thud. I looked at the
text and tried to work out how I felt. I didn’t feel sick, I didn’t feel upset.
Just vaguely, very vaguely, interested in why he’d sent it, but apart from that
I felt nothing. But I didn’t want him here, and besides I don’t think Charlie
and Anna would want him here.

“Problem?” Charlie
came closer so that he could read the message. “Oh, shit.”

‘
No problem.
’
I added the address of the nearest pub and a time and hit send. And wondered
why the hell James was here.

“You don’t mind me
coming to see you?”

“Not at all. Is
anything wrong?” I looked at James, my ex-husband, and knew that I didn’t. I
didn’t mind at all. He was a James I didn’t really know. It was funny, because
I suppose I’d fancied him from the first time I saw him so I’d kind of seen him
in that ‘wow’ way and not seen the real him, then I’d seen him in the full
blown relationship light, when he was a kind of prefect caricature, then I’d
hated him but still loved him. And now I was seeing him like I imagine an
outsider would. A quite boring, slightly staid and averagely attractive man.
And that was all. Which, in a strange way, made me want to hug him with relief.

“I miss you
Holly.” He put down his glass of wine, took one of my hands in his and looked
at it earnestly, which was a bit spooky. “Do you miss me, ever?” His long
elegant thumb traced a line over the back of my hand, right down to my
fingernail and he rubbed along the edge, the slight pressure on the tip of the
nail sending an urge to pull away right through my body.

“Not really, not
anymore.” And I didn’t, not anymore. And I didn’t want to be touched by him
either, it was a weird kind of physical assault.

“Oh.” He looked a
bit put out and drew back, letting my hand fall free on the table. “I was
hoping you might, er, come back?”

Folding my arms put
my hands safely tucked out of reach. “We’re divorced, James.”

“We could always
remarry.”

I tried to stifle
the hysterical laugh that was bubbling away at the back of my throat. “I’m
sorry, I like it here, I’ve made friends.”

“You mean people
like Sophie?” He couldn’t stop the note of censure in his voice, he hated
Sophie. “And Charlie?” He wasn’t keen on Charlie either.

“Yes, and other
people. And I’ve got a new job here.”

“You could stay
here, I could come at weekends.”

“No, James. I
don’t want to come back, I’m sorry.” And I was. We’d never been suited and it
had taken something big to make me realize. “I would never make you happy.”

“You did.” There
was a stubborn note in his voice, a note I remembered so well. “You did make me
happy, and you were happy too.”

“I did once.”

“You could again.”

I thought about
the fun we’d had, at first. It had been good, we’d made a good team for a
while, But we’d both changed and we were never going to change back. “Aren’t
you happy, James?”

“Some of the time,
but I miss you. It can be lonely.” I wanted to add ‘in a crowd’ but I didn’t.

“You’ll be fine,
it just takes time.” I covered his hands with mine and hoped he would. I’d
forgiven him and although I would never forget him he just wasn’t part of my
life any more, not even a tiny part.

“I will.” He stood
up. James wasn’t one to mull over things or feel sorry for himself. “I hope you
will be too, Holly.” And he meant it, I could tell he did, so we had a slightly
awkward hug and finished our drinks and I felt almost good about life until I
happened to glance across the bar, straight into the sardonic face of Dane.

It hurt. I was
surprised just how bad it made me feel seeing him again, and he looked rough
even from the other side of the room. There was a dark shadow of stubble on his
chin and his hair was mussed up as though he’d dragged himself straight from
bed to the bar.

We stared and
every bit of me wanted to go over and talk to him, but as he raised his drink
up and took a swig, his gaze never leaving me he suddenly looked
unapproachable.

So, this was how
James had felt with me, I’d had invisible barriers—they had been anger, self
protection. But I couldn’t give Dane that as an excuse, he wasn’t scared, he
couldn’t be. He just didn’t want me. He nodded, the very slightest inclination
of his head, just as James tapped me elbow, wondering why I wasn’t following
him.

“Sorry, I’m coming.” If I’d felt sad before, it was nothing compared
to this. It was like we’d just said goodbye.

James gave me one
last hug before he got in his car and headed back to his life in London and I
wandered down the High Street. I don’t know why I stopped at the estate agents,
but I did, and right there smack bang in the middle of the window was the
perfect cottage. I looked again, it was for rent, on the upper limit of what I
could afford. Well, slightly over the upper limit. But I could stretch to it.
Funny how things happen sometimes, isn’t it? I’d just waved a final goodbye to
James, left Charlie to meet up with Anna and I just knew in my heart that
they’d sort things out, and I was ready to start again. Properly. On my own.

Someone was
frantically waving at me from inside the agents – it was open, and he was
bored, and there was no time like the present. He grinned with relief when I
took the invitation and went in, the warm air hitting me with the surreal force
that it does when you step off an airplane into a baking hot country. He was
round my side of the desk pulling a chair out before you say Happy New Year.
“Please make my day, say you want to talk houses. Not that I’m pushy or
anything.”

“Well actually…”

“Coffee?” Boy, he
really must be bored.

“I’m fine thanks.
It’s that cottage, in the window?”

“Willow Tree?” He
rifled through the filing cabinet and pulled out the single sheet of details.
Brief, because it was tiny, but beautiful.

“It’s a bit
outside what I wanted to pay, but—”

“It is lovely, why
not take a look round? It only came back on the market the other day and I’m
sure it’ll be snapped up.” It could have been agent talk, but he was probably
right. And I just had a feeling.

“When can I see
it?” There I’d said it. I was one step away from putting down roots.

“The owner does
the viewings himself, I’ll just check when he’s free.” I looked out of the
window, watched the world go by and knew that this was meant to be. “Would
tomorrow morning at ten suit you?” I nod and he finishes the conversation and
takes my details.

What should I do
next, now that I’ve got my little bit of excitement out of the way? I opt for a
cup of coffee and a read of the newspapers, although there won’t be much news
in them. For the first time since I came up here and moved in with Charlie I
actually feel a bit of a spare part. I want to move out. I want my own place,
which is a bit of a weird feeling, but I’ve also got a feeling that we’re all
moving on. Even if Charlie and Anna don’t work things out I know I can’t stay
there much longer, we’ve had fun but it can’t go any further. We’ve done the
friends to almost lovers thing and we’re lucky it stopped where it did, before
anyone got hurt. I’d wanted him because he was warm and cuddly and safe, and of
course had a hot body, I can’t deny that there was an attraction there, but I
know the real reason we got close. And he wanted me because, well he did fancy
me, but I think a lot of it was because although he was scared stiff that it
would end in disaster again he also wanted to face his demons.

I’m not quite sure
what’s happening with Sophie, the open one who I’ve just realized I know sod
all about. Maybe it’s our turn to help her, if she’ll let us. And Dane? Yeah,
Dane still hurts but I’ll survive. Deep down I still want to see my cowboy in
him, but it’s hard to get past what he said. Maybe impossible.

The café is quiet,
but warm and I wrap my hands round the cappuccino for a minute before suddenly
deciding on impulse to call my mum.

“What a lovely
surprise darling, is everything alright?”

“Fine, I miss
you.”

“We miss you too
darling, I miss you. You did have a good Christmas with your friends? You sound
a bit, tired?”

“It was great,
Mum, really. But I think I need to go back to work.”

She laughs, her
familiar chuckle travelling over the airwaves unhindered. “Now I know you’re
okay, you always wanted to get everything back to normal. When you were at
school you used to—”

“Mum!”

I tell her about
the cottage and she sounds pleased. “But you will come and see us soon, won’t
you?” I tell her James has been to see me and for a moment she hesitates. “You
are okay?”

“I am, Mum.”

“You know I’m here
for you if you want to talk? I mean I know we’ve never been that close, but I
do love you Holly.” And she didn’t say it in a soppy sentimental way, because
that wouldn’t have been her. But I knew she meant every word.

“I know, Mum.”

“Let me know how
the viewing goes.”

“I will, bye.”

“Darling?” I stop
short of pressing the end call button, there is almost a hesitation in her
voice which isn’t like my mother at all. “I am glad you’ve sorted things out
and you’re not going back to James, I was worried.”

“But you liked
him, I know you wanted us to stay together.” She had liked him, and she hadn’t
wanted me to leave him which was partly why I had run off to Cheshire to join
Sophie and Charlie. I couldn’t bear being the failure yet again. “You didn’t
want us to split up.” I’d not told her much about why we’d split up, but she’d
told me not to rush, to be logical and not have stupid emotional outbursts that
I’d regret later.

“I’m sorry, Holly,
I just wanted you to be happy and I didn’t know how bad it was.” But she still
didn’t now, I hadn’t told her what it was all about and probably never would.
“James told me what he’d done.” Oh, shit.

“James what?” I
could feel my jaw drop, oh sweet Jesus no, James could not have told her what
he’d done. Just the thought of him telling my mother about his escapades was
making me burn up like I’d swallowed a whole jar full of chillies. Fuck. “What
did he tell you?” Don’t panic.

“He said there had
been other people and… well I think he knows we like him and he wanted to ask
if I thought you’d have him back and what he should do.”

“What did you
say?” Stop thinking about him describing in graphic detail the spanking, the
men, the black leather…. Oh no, just don’t think about it. My palms had gone
clammy.

“I told him he
needed to talk to you, darling. I’m sure he didn’t tell me the whole story, but
he really let you down didn’t he?”

Let me down, yeah
he let me down. “I wasn’t enough for him, I’m never enough for anyone.”

“That’s rubbish.”

I thought about my
birth mother giving me away, I thought about Mum being too busy to hug me,
about her latest bombshell that she was moving to Australia and leaving me,
about James needing more than just me in his life. I’d always settled for being
second best, for not being good enough. I closed my eyes, I’d even shared Dane
with Sophie. “But it’s true. Even you’re going to move away.” I’d said it.

“Oh darling, you
know I’m not leaving you, we want you to come too, but I thought with your
career and your friends and everything you wouldn’t want to. There’s a room out
there with your name on you know. Holly, don’t you dare ever think that you’re
second best.” There was a catch in the normally even voice and a lump formed in
my throat. I swallowed hard to clear it. “I wanted you more than I’ve ever
wanted anyone in my life before, but I didn’t want to stifle you once I got
you. I didn’t want to follow you round and be suffocating. You’re the best
thing that ever happened to me, Holly.” She went quiet then. Probably because
she’d said things she had never said before. Sometimes it was easier to keep
things inside, but it was nice when things came out now and again.

“You’re not going
to get all sentimental on me now are you, Mum?”

She gave a short
laugh that was almost normal. “Maybe I should every now and then. Can I come
and see you when you move in? Just me and you and a proper chat. No Dad?”

“I’ve not even
seen the place yet.” It would be nice. Just her and me, not her and Dad with me
skirting round the edge.

“You’ll love it. I can tell darling, I’ve got a good feeling.”

The phone springs
into life again the instant I ring off—which is a bit annoying because in a
perfect world I’d be able to sit having a warm and fuzzy feeling about my mum
before life intervenes again. It’s the estate agent and for a horrible moment
I’m sure he’s going to say that the house isn’t available any more.