Good Morning from Paradise (11 page)

Monday 8th July

Diary,

Today has been tough. Meeting with funeral
directors was awful. Obviously Lee was young but Tom and Lee had plans to go travelling
together and for some reason, which I can totally imagine Lee doing, he had
sorted all of his funeral details, his will, everything. He probably thought
he’d go missing off the face of the earth or that his plane would come down or
something, he was like mum for that. We were all glad he had done it though
because it saved us the awful task of choosing the more personal things like
what music he would have wanted and whether he would have wanted a burial or
cremation. It made me think I should do the same, a glum thought at the ripe
old age of twenty- four I know but if the last couple of days has taught me
anything it is that life is precious and you never know when it’s going to end.
With everything sorted all we had to do was wait for a funeral date.

Ella xx

Tom
invited me to their place for the afternoon, we were going to start sorting
through some of Lee’s things. I was dreading it to be honest but it turned out
to be quite a laugh. We laughed at some of his old CD’s and the fact that he
kept his old school ties. We talked about their relationship, their plans for
travelling. Tom said I had given Lee the idea, he knew I was happy in America
and he wanted to discover some of the world for himself. It made me feel proud
and miss him more. I told Tom how I was feeling, full of regret mostly. He
reassured me that Lee loved me very much and that he always felt bad for taking
Tom away from me, he never blamed me for running away, I was on his list of
places to visit because he wanted to make up with me. I cried, Tom cried. He
asked what the deal was with my love life. I told him about Dan, everything
from start to finish. I always found Tom easy to talk to, we always had a good
friendship no matter what happened in our relationship. He said he could tell
something was wrong because I’d gone thin, he knows me too well to think I’d
been on a diet. He told me that whatever was meant to be will be, for a moment
I thought he was going to burst into a chorus of Que sera sera but thankfully
he didn’t, his singing voice is as terrible as mine.

We
sorted out Lee’s clothes and shoes, Tom wanted to keep most of them but there
was a decent sized bag for charity. We moved on to his paperwork. Lots of stuff
was shared between them so it was a quick and painless job. I put things like
his old school reports and photos into a bag to take back to mums. Tom said he
was still planning to go travelling, everything was in place for them to go at
the end of the month and staying here where their memories were made was going
to be too hard. I thought it was a brilliant idea. Lee would be happy he was
going through with it and I’d be happy to give him a sofa to bunk on when he
gets to America, I knew Brit wouldn’t mind. It was funny to be back on my own
turf, to be in the town where I grew up and not feel like I’m home. Home was
America now. I had been there only a matter of months but it felt more like
home than England ever did, maybe because I started a fresh life there, got rid
of Eleanor the dumb girl who turned her only boyfriend gay and found Ella, the
grown up, confident happy in her own skin woman.

Once
we were sorted we headed back to mums, stopping for a couple of bottles of wine
and Chinese food on the way. We spent the evening reminiscing about some of
Lees’ escapades as a child, mischief he had put me up to and things he had
blamed me for. We had a laugh which was just what we needed in these sad times.
Mum and Nigel were just getting into the story about the first night Lee came
home drunk when my phone rang. It was Amber. I excused myself and took it up to
my room.

“Hi
Amber. Happy Birthday my lovely friend. I’m so sorry I couldn’t be there, did
Brit give you my gift?” I asked before she even got time to speak. For some
reason she found this funny.

“El,
I can’t believe you’re apologising to me for missing my Birthday when I’m
calling to give my condolences. Don’t worry about the party and yes I got my
gift and I
adore
it. Thanks. How are you holding up?” She sounded
concerned about me. I had the best friends in the world, trouble was they were
somewhere else in the world and not with me, that sucked. I assured her I was
ok. I told her we were getting each other through it.

“I’ve
got news for you.” She said but she didn’t sound excited so I braced myself for
yet more bad news.

“I’m
guessing Brit told you that Dan and Rachael didn’t turn up to the party? Well,
Kyle went to visit to see if he was ok, none of us had heard from him since you
left for England and we called to tell him about Lee. Anyway, turns out they
had been for the first baby scan on Friday and there actually is a baby in
there.” Great just what my heart needed, more sadness.

“Seems
Rachael was shocked that there was a baby in there. Proof that she was trying
to play him but it backfired, even more so when the midwife told them a due
date. The baby is due in January, El, she is only just three months gone.
Apparently, Dan questioned the date because, like Kyle said, it’s been a long
time since he had slept with her and he had put two and two together. Anyway,
the midwife said it could be a small baby but they’re rarely wrong at this
stage. Rachael was in shock. Dan kept pressing her for answers and they argued
for the rest of Friday. She started having pains on Saturday and they spent the
evening in the hospital, hence not being at the party. She was told to rest as
much as possible.”

“Oh
shit, is everything ok?” I asked. I wanted him back but not at the cost of a
new life.

“God
El, I wish I knew more people like you. The world could do with a few more
lovely people.” She sighed. “Rachael latched onto the small baby explanation
and when she started having pains she accused Dan of causing them by arguing
with her, said if he wasn’t careful he was going to kill his own baby before it
had a chance at life.”

 That
Fucking Bitch! I found it hard to believe that she would happily trap a man who
wasn’t the father of her child for money but accusing Dan of something like
that!

“You’re
wrong about me Amber.” I argued. “It’s a good job I’m not there, I would have
punched her for that.”  I took a few deep breaths to calm down. Amber
chuckled and then went quiet.

“El,
he’s even more stuck now, at least until the baby arrives and a DNA test can be
done.” Just as I thought. I had prepared myself for it but it was still shit,
no matter how you look at it.

“Well
in that case there’s nothing more I can do.” I said defeated. “Maybe I should
just stay here in England until I’m over him.”

“Never
going to happen. I’m missing you like crazy as is, I’d be booking a ticket to
come over there and bring you home myself and I know Brit would help me so
don’t even think about it.” she threatened in jest but I knew there was truth
behind it. We ended the call and I slumped on my bed. I wondered when this crap
was going to end, it didn’t look like any time soon that’s for sure. Tom came
to check on me, when I saw him I realised how selfish I was being. At the end
of the day Dan was healthy, and safe and still alive. I might never get to
touch him, kiss him or be with him again but at least I can see him, chat to
him and I know he’s still there. Poor Tom just lost all of that. He will never
get Lee back. I walked over to him and held him tight, he broke down in my arms
and I comforted him. We talked and cried into the night, he fell asleep next to
me, eventually and I tucked him into my bed and made a bed on the floor next to
him. Once the funeral is over and he can get away from all of this he’d heal,
until then I would be here for him.

Tuesday 9th July.

Hi Diary,

The police called round today. They said the
guy who knocked Lee down was a local drug dealer. At the time of the accident
the police were pursuing his car and he was speeding through town to get away.
He was using what they call a pool car, a stolen vehicle dealers share between
them so that they can’t be linked to it. Unless of course they run down an
innocent man on his way to work and kill him. Fucking Bastards.

The police filled mum in on what happens next
as far as the inquiries and court cases go. It all sounded like it was going to
take a while, we just wanted to know if we could lay Lee to rest in the
meantime. We were told that we could bury Lee, the police had everything they
needed and we needed to move on. The guy they caught had admitted to causing
death by dangerous driving, the doctors had determined Lee’s cause of death.
Tom is a mess, mum too. I’m trying to hold it together for them both but it’s
hard. What I wouldn’t give to be back in paradise, in his arms, before all of
this shit, before my world fell apart.

Ella xx

The
rest of the day was pretty uneventful. Cards and flowers had started to arrive
in their droves now people knew Lee had passed. It was comforting to know so
many people cared about him. Tom went back home that afternoon and Nigel took
Mum for a drive, for a change of scene. I retreated to my room, I was going to
call Brit. I got my phone out of my bedside drawer where I had hidden it after
Amber had called last night so that it couldn’t bring me anymore sad news. I
had five messages. I took a deep breath and started to read through them all.
There was one from Brit, asking how I was doing, the same from Amber. Kyle had
text to say he was thinking of me. Bless him. Next was from Jonathan offering
more help should I need it. I would never be able to repay him for what he had
already done for me. I was going to try though. The last one was Dan. I opened
it and read it so many times. God I missed him. His message said:

Gorgeous girl. I wanted to tell you I am
sorry for so many things. I’m sorry I chose her. I’m sorry I made you sad. I’m
sorry for your loss and I know how much it hurts El, my sister was taken from
us in the same way when she was only 8 years old and I still miss her every
day. Most of all El, I’m sorry that I’m not with you, holding you like I should
be, drying your tears like I should be, helping you through like I should be.
I’m sorry. Please just let me know how you are, if there’s anything I can do
for you I will, El. I promise you.

D xx

I
replied:

What was your sisters name?

E xx

 I
don’t know why but I needed to know more. He messaged back immediately.

Sarah

D xx

Sarah.
8 years old. So much I didn’t know about him yet I felt like there was nothing
he could tell me that would change the way I feel about him. I replied:

I’m sorry for Sarah and Lee. Both were taken
too young. I’m sorry you chose her too but I understand why you did. I’m sorry
we made each other sad but then I was happier in the days we were together than
I ever have been. I’m sorry you’re not here holding me. God knows I need you so
much. But I’m never sorry that I met you Dan, I’m not sorry for the way I feel
about you. I’m not sorry for loving you Dan. I never will be.

El xx

He
replied immediately:

I’m not sorry for loving you either. Never
will be.

D xx

He
loves me? He loves me! Or rather he loved me. He’s got other worries now. I
didn’t know what to say so I didn’t say anything. Instead I ran a bubble bath
and soaked myself for a while. I don’t know what to make of it anymore.

Friday 12th July

Hi Diary,

A week has passed, a week yesterday since I
arrived back in England, a week tomorrow since Lee lost his fight. Where does
the time go? His funeral will be on Tuesday at 11am. The coroner found
traumatic brain injury to be the cause of death. The injury sustained when Lees
head hit the windscreen of the drug dealers’ car. It was enough to put the
bastard away for a while. Tuesday is going to be hard to say the least.

Friday (pm)

Brit called tonight, it was nice to talk to
her. After her call I told Mum I’d be going home after the funeral. I needed to
get back to work. Dr Mike told me to take as long as I needed but I need to get
back, I want to get back. I need to get on with life again. I’ll use the time I
have here to help Tom get ready for his travels. I had promised Lee that much.

Ella xx

Tuesday
came eventually and we said goodbye. Goodbye to a Son, Brother, Partner and friend.
The car picked us up just before 11am. Seeing his coffin in the back with the
flowers we chose made it real. Tom held onto my hand as we followed it into
church behind Mum and Nigel. As we walked to the front I looked at the full
church. My brother was loved, the amount of people here showed that. In the
crowd I saw faces I recognised. Brit and Jonathan, Amber and Kyle and Dan. They
were here to give me their support, here for me. My friends. I was overcome by
emotion at that point and leaned into Tom as he wrapped his arm around my
shoulders.

The
vicar welcomed everyone to church and said some lovely things about Lee. We
sang a hymn, I have no idea what hymn mum had chosen but it was lovely, I
couldn’t sing along though, the lump in my throat forbade it. It was Toms
speech that really got me. I can’t remember it all but the last few words made
me realise how much they loved each other.

He
said “Lee William Stephenson, you were my soulmate and my world. When you left
you took my life with you. I will roam this earth an empty vessel until the day
we meet again.”

 I
will roam this earth an empty vessel. The thought of him never loving again was
heart breaking. I hoped, for his sake he would find somebody. Maybe he wouldn’t
love that person as much as he loved Lee but I knew Lee wouldn’t want him to
have a lonely life.

Once
the funeral was over we gathered at Lee’s favourite pub. I needed a strong
drink. As we walked in I could see my friends in the far corner. Brit ran to me
and hugged me tight, followed by Amber then Kyle. Jonathan patted my shoulder
awkwardly, bless him. Then my eyes met Dan’s and he wrapped his arms around me
and held me so tight. I didn’t protest, I didn’t let go, I needed him and he
knew it. He held onto me or stayed close to me for the rest of the afternoon. I
introduced them all to Mum, Nigel and Tom. I told Brit about Toms plans to
travel and she was excited about him coming to stay with us. Mum liked Dan. I
could tell because she kept patting his leg when they were talking. After the
wake I took them all to Mums. They were only staying the night in a nearby
hotel and I wanted to see as much of them as I could before they left. We
ordered take away and chatted and laughed. It did my heart good. At midnight
Jonathan called one of his men to pick them up and take them back to the hotel.
Even though I was planning on going back in a few days it was sad saying
goodbye.

“I
can’t thank you all enough for coming to support me today guys. You’re the
greatest.” I turned to Dan and in front of them all

“Will
you stay with me?” I asked and he agreed. I didn’t care what anyone thought, I
needed him tonight. When the others had gone I took him up to my room. I wanted
to know more about the baby and what was happening back home.

“So,
are you going to tell me how you ended up getting away? I doubt Rachael would
have agreed to you coming to see me.” Not that she knows about me, what’s to
know? We both sat on the bed.

“I
told her it was a business trip, she seemed quite eager to see the back of me
for a couple of days.” He shrugged his shoulders.

“‘Well,
I’m glad you came.”  I touched his face. “Thank you for staying with me
tonight.” We looked at each other for a while without talking and then, without
breaking eye contact I stood and started to get undressed. He watched me
closely. I took off my top, trousers and bra and pulled an oversized t-shirt on
with my pants. I lifted the covers and he stood, as I got into bed he took off
his trousers, shirt and socks. He got into bed beside me and pulled me onto his
chest. It felt so right.

“So
was this your room when you were a kid?” he asked. Oh shit I suddenly realised
he was in my room.

“Yeah
it was but mum has redecorated since I moved out.” I really needed him to know
I hadn’t chosen the wallpaper.

“Thought
the décor wasn’t really your style” he giggled. He looked down to me.

“What
was little Ella like?” he asked. Oh bloody hell, how do I answer that?

“Erm,
she was weedy, boyish, a pain in her big brothers’ arse when they were playing
together but really she was shy, quiet and had no confidence in herself.” I
looked back up to him.

“What
was little Dan like?” I smiled at him. He took a little while to reply but
eventually he said

“He
was a shithead. Always in trouble for something, always getting into fights.
Not many people liked him.” He looked up to the ceiling.

“Really?”
I asked. I can’t imagine him being like that. I wanted to know more.

“How
come he turned out so well?” I quizzed him leaning up on my elbow to look him
in the eyes. He looked back at me now and I saw sadness.

“He
lost his kid sister, it changed him forever.” My heart ached for him, I stroked
his face and he got hold of my had and kissed the palm. How could Rachael
accuse him of trying to make her lose the baby. He was such a gentle soul.

“Tell
me about the scan” I said changing the subject before I got carried away in the
moment and kissed him. I needed to know how he felt about it all. He sat up and
hung his legs over the edge of the bed, I don’t know if he didn’t want to talk
to me about it or he didn’t want to look at me while he did or what.

“Honestly?
Ella, it was the most bitter sweet experience. I looked at the screen and saw a
tiny life, life that I’m meant to have created and my heart filled with love
and hope and happiness. But then I looked down from the screen and the woman
carrying that tiny life wasn’t the woman I wanted and I felt torn.” He turned
and looked at me, he looked agonised by the whole thing. I stroked his back.

“You’ll
be the best Daddy no matter who the Mummy is.” I don’t know why but my eyes
filled with tears.

“This
is going to sound awful, Ella but it doesn’t add up. The dates, the due date,
it doesn’t match. Our relationship was practically a friendship at best by
then, hell, I didn’t know it but it was almost over between us. I feel guilty
for saying it but I have my doubts. I don’t know for sure that its mine.”

 At
this moment, when life had changed so much in a matter of days I knew I had to
tell him the truth, even if he hates me for keeping it from him. Over the next
few hours I told him what Jonathan had told me, how I had promised to keep it
to myself because of Brit, how I had wanted to tell him once Brit knew about
Jonathan but I didn’t want Rachael to do anything stupid. I thought for sure
that he was going to tell me he hated me for keeping secrets and leave there
and then. Instead he climbed back into bed, kissed me, held me tight all night
without saying another word. In the morning I made him some breakfast and
ordered him a taxi to take him back to the hotel. But I couldn’t let him leave
in silence.

“Dan,
please tell me what’s going on in your head.” I practically begged him. “I
can’t let you leave until I know what you’re thinking. Do you hate me?”

  He
sighed and took my face in his hands and kissed my forehead.

“Ella,
last night you gave me the key to my freedom, sure I wish you had done it
sooner but I understand why you couldn’t. Today I’m going to fly back and
demand answers and get her out of my life. Take all the time you need here
gorgeous girl, once you’re ready to come home I’ll be waiting for you.” He
kissed me with so much feeling and passion it brought tears to my eyes, I
didn’t want him to go but he was going to end this charade. I was so happy
about that. I smiled at him, the taxi pipped outside to let us know he was
waiting.

“I’ll
see you very soon. I won’t keep you waiting, I promise.” I kissed him back. He
looked into my eyes.

“I
love you Ella.” He said and then he left before I could reply, before I could
tell him I loved him too but it didn’t matter, in a few days I would be with
him again, like we were in paradise. I couldn’t wait to get back now. Best
break the news to Mum.