Got It Going On (10 page)

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Authors: Stephanie Perry Moore

BOOK: Got It Going On
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10
BLAME
S
eeing my mother with a sharp butcher knife in her hand scared me. I had never seen her eyes fire red before. Her temples were bulging outta her head. And though her body was trembling, the knife was held right at my uncle's throat.
“I loved you. I would've given my life for yours. But right now I'm gonna take yours instead. You don't deserve to live. How could you, Bill?”
“Mom!” I screamed. “No! He's not worth it, Mom. Please drop it. He's not important enough.” I stepped in at that moment and grabbed the blunt, steel object and took it away from my mother.
She fell into my arms, saying, “I can't believe I didn't know.”
“I hate you!” Sally screamed, kicking Uncle Bill while he was down on the floor. He was too frightened to move one muscle.
“Mom, are you okay?”
“You got all this damage that can't be erased, and you're worried about me?” She pulled back.
“Sis,” Bill said, approaching my mom and grabbing her leg, “I'm sorry.”
She snarled, “There's nothing you can say to ease this situation. Get the heck outta my house now before I change my mind and end it all for you. Bill, you done made me crazy! I hate you. Leave.”
“Where am I supposed to go? I ain't got nothing or nowhere to be,” he said with tears in his eyes.
“All those women you bring over my house—go stay with one of them. Go live on the streets and become humble so you can understand the innocence you stole from my child and your sister. Looking at you turns my stomach. You're a nasty bastard.”
My mom picked up the lamp from the family room, yanked the plug from the wall, and threw it at the back of his head. It shattered while he ran out of the house without looking back.
I just sank on the couch, rocking back and forth, replaying over and over again in my mind what I now remembered. Everything he'd done to me was so disgusting. Once the memories came flooding back like a dam that had been broken, I knew every horrifying detail.
I was finally confronting my past and what had happened to me. As I sat there weeping, I finally understood that what had happened to me was not my fault.
The next few days, when my mom was at work and my aunt was off doing her own thing, my uncle would come around begging me for food, begging me to let him take a bath but, most irritatingly, begging me to forgive him.
Uncle Bill pleaded, “Cassidy, I know I was wrong. I've thought about it a lot, and I didn't mean to hurt you like that. I thought you would let it fly, or that maybe it didn't even happen—”
“It didn't even happen?” I said, completely cutting him off. “Night after night, I can't even breathe, let alone sleep. I keep going over it again and again in my head. Why did I want to be so promiscuous? Because you exposed me to something too early and in absolutely the wrong way. It did so much damage I allowed myself to be violated again just a few months ago. I've been on medication just to clear my head of the incident, so forgiving you is definitely out of the question!”
He stood there, tripping on my honesty. He looked away, so sad. I shoved a piece of fried chicken and bread in his hand and slammed the door in his face.
My mom wanted me to stay through New Year's, but there was just no way. Over the holiday my house became the most unbearable place. My sorority sisters wanted me to party with them, but I wasn't down for their excitement either. My family was irreconcilably damaged, and that was nothing to celebrate.
And I guess Isha knew I didn't wanna be alone because she suggested I go with her to watch night service. Truth be told, seeing Konner Black again didn't sound too bad. He intrigued me. I wasn't sure if the idea of being in his presence or allowing the Spirit to make me whole again was pushing me more to want to join Isha.
Either way, I got dressed and was ready to leave at ten PM. We arrived at the packed church a few minutes after the service had started. Quickly, we sat in the pews, joining other high school and college kids to hear Konner Black preach.
“You think you can start the New Year off doing the same shady things you did this year? You're wrong. God wants to change your heart in the New Year and leave your past in the old one. But let me keep it real. You might have to forgive some people to truly move on to the high calling and the place God wants you to be.”
Okay, now I was squirming in my seat. I didn't need to hear him speak about forgiveness. Yeah, it was cool for God to forgive me, but for me to forgive somebody else ... particularly my uncle? Was this a joke? Was I being punked in the sanctuary? I wanted to scream, but Konner wouldn't let up. He kept preaching about how God wanted us to forgive, to go to our brother and fix things, and if we could ask God to forgive us our sins, how could we expect that to happen when we couldn't pardon anyone else? If we loved God and allowed Him to live in our hearts, we couldn't have hearts that were hard. We had to be loving, generous, and kind—give people the benefit of the doubt, in hopes that they would find God to change them from their wicked ways, accept forgiveness, and become better.
I was so inspired by the end of the message I was practically in tears. I had been so selfish, I'd just left a note telling my mom I was going back to school. I knew my mom would have stopped me, and I didn't want that, so I'd done things my way, not caring if I hurt her.
From one of the payphones in the church I called home. My mom picked up and said, “I didn't even get a chance to say good-bye to you. I'm so sorry.”
“I know, Mom, I'm sorry, too. I just had to get outta there.”
“I got your note, and I apologize that you were experiencing so much pain here.”
“It's okay now. God's got my back, Mom. He's got us all.”
“I wanna tell her I'm sorry again,” I heard Uncle Bill saying in the background.
“She doesn't wanna speak to you. You're only here to eat and then leave. Nothing else.”
“Mom, can I talk to him, please?” I heard them arguing, but she handed him the phone. Before he could say anything, I said, “Uncle Bill, you stole something precious from me, and I've been damaged because of it. But ... I forgive you.”
 
There were no strings attached. There were no preconditions. There was nothing God needed to do for me in the New Year. I just needed to move on, forgive, and obey God's Word and hope that the one who'd wronged me would find God. After all, Konner had said we all fell short to the glory of God, and we all needed another chance to get right again.
“I was hoping you didn't leave,” the fine reverend said, startling me before I was able to head back into the sanctuary.
“No, I just had to make a phone call,” I said in a giddy voice, intrigued that he was looking for me.
“Did you maybe wanna go get something to eat?” he asked after a long, awkward pause.
“Being that it's New Year's, don't you think everywhere will be crowded?” I couldn't think of anything else to say.
“I just wanna spend some time getting to know you, that's all.” He reached out and grabbed my hand, placing his other hand on my cheek and stroking it gently. “You're a beautiful girl. I look out when I'm preaching a lot and notice you're really into my sermons. Sometimes on your face I can tell you've had pain and issues you've gone through that were not good at all. Maybe I can be a part of your life now and give you good memories from this point on. You deserve only the best.”
Okay. He'd had me when he'd told me he'd hoped I hadn't left. Now he was stroking my cheek and making me feel extra special. “Uh, I came here with Isha.”
“Well, I don't think that's gonna be a big problem.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“She likes Mark, the music director. I think the two of them are planning to hang out.”
I can't believe my girl didn't tell me,
I thought. But I was happy for her. He continued, “She just wanted me to catch up with you and let you know she'd be downstairs if I found you.”
Processing what he said, I asked, “She thought I left, too? I didn't mean to scare anyone.”
“Are you okay? Was my sermon so bad you had to leave? I know you said you had to make a phone call, and I don't mean to pry, but what's going on with you?”
I wanted to tell him about my crazy world and how I didn't want to let him in before we knew each other a little. But I didn't take that route. I didn't open up either. I liked the thought of taking things slow and smoothing out the road. “It's gonna be kinda different for me dating a minister.”
“Why is that?” he asked, letting go of my hand and giving me a look that made me feel pure, beautiful, and lovely. “No one is perfect. But you can let a godly man take care of you and make this dating relationship perfect in His sight, by treating you like the queen you are. You down for that?”
I was speechless. So we went out that night and for the next seven days as well.
 
There was another week before school would start. Sam hadn't come back to our apartment yet. For our seventh date, I invited Konner over for dinner and dessert. I thought it was gonna be hard for me to be close to another guy after what I'd gone through with Al Dutch and my uncle. But spending time with Konner at the movies, at the bowling alley, in the library while I studied, and as he prepared his sermons—we just connected.
The whole week I learned so much about him. He hadn't gone to college but to a trade school instead. He'd been selling drugs and wanted to end his life until a youth pastor told him God was the only way to true happiness. From that point on, he had changed for the better.
We talked more over dinner at my place. He loved my meal; the Cornish hens with orange carrot wine sauce, asparagus, and baked potato warmed his belly. Afterward I served him a piece of my homemade cheesecake with cherries drizzled on top.
My emotions were getting out of control, and I had to figure out what to do with them. He was looking so good sitting across from me. Shucks, I wanted him for dessert. So I took my hand and started to feed him. He was smiling. I moved to the other side of the table and sat on his lap. He was moaning. The next bite I fed him, I touched my lips to his. Next thing you knew, we were hot and into each other.
Finally, he stood up and said, “I'm sorry if I misled you, Cassidy, but we can't go down this road. I'm supposed to lead us in this relationship, so we'll do it right. Though you're so attractive and you've done nothing wrong, I don't want you to think I wanna be with you because of your body. I want to be with you because I want your heart. And if I made you think otherwise, I'm the one to blame.”
11
GRILL
“P
lease, it's fine. Just get out of my face,” I finally said out of frustration when Konner kept trying to rationalize ending our moment of passion.
He just kept going on and on, trying to make me feel like it was okay that I'd been really aggressive. But it wasn't okay. It wasn't okay for our relationship, and it wasn't okay for me, now that I knew why I was like that. There was still a part deep inside of me that couldn't change; all I knew was how to make a guy physically aroused. If I had any more to offer that would keep a man intrigued, I had absolutely no clue what that was, and I was too embarrassed, ashamed, and upset to try to figure it out at that moment.
“Cassidy, please, settle down. Let's be open about what happened. I really don't what to leave right now,” he said in a soft, understanding tone. “I really want to talk you through this.”
But I wasn't listening to what he was saying. I just saw his mouth yapping, and because I was already annoyed, I opened the front door and gestured for him to get out. If he never came back, I knew I'd regret it, but for now, because I was an impulse girl, Konner Black had to jet.
“I'd like to pray before I leave, if I could,” he said, reaching for my hand before I tugged it back.
I didn't want to laugh in his face or tell him what a dumb idea I thought that was, so I just shook my head, opened the door even wider, and sort of shoved him out of it.
“Thanks, but no thanks,” I finally said.
“Well, I'll be praying for you, and there's nothing you can do about that,” he said as he walked out.
At that moment, when I shut the door, I started slowly releasing tears. He was a good man, and I had just kicked him out of my place. I certainly regretted the fact that part of me had told him to go. I jumped in a hot shower, hoping to soak away the anguish I felt, but I just kept hearing,
You're never going to get a good man. You wouldn't know how to treat him if you had one. You're so pathetic, throwing yourself on a minister. What you doing, trying to make him fall? Girl, you tried to ruin a man of the cloth. You deserve to be alone.
Under the hot, steamy water, I just screamed until I cried. I cried until I was out of breath. Then I prayed.
Lord, help me. Forgive me. Help me be like You. Help me.
I woke up the next morning feeling renewed, like it was going to be a great day. A part of me wanted to call Konner and apologize, but I knew we both needed space. The dance team was going to perform at some of the basketball games, and we had to practice our routine for the national dance competition. My team had had a couple practices during Christmas break, but because I'd gone home, I wasn't there. The band director knew this, but I could tell there was tons of tension when I got to practice.
“Um, did somebody move the time up or something?” I said. They were all in the middle of a dance number.
“Tried to leave you a message,” Ginger said, “but your voice mail was full. We just felt we needed some extra work to get ready. But you know this routine. You can fall in and get it.”
And then Meagan, who had recently been dressing even sluttier than I ever could, walked up to my face and said, “Why don't you just quit this squad? You're half here, and when you
are
here, we're supposed to just make exceptions for you, bend the rules and stuff? Everybody's tired of that. Everybody's tired of you.”
Ginger stepped between us and said, “All right, get back, Meagan. Director Saxton knew where she was.”
“Don't either one of y'all touch me,” Meagan said out of nowhere. Ginger and I looked at her like she was crazy because no one was touching her paranoid behind.
“If you don't get out of my face I'm going to do more than touch you,” I told her. She started shoving me, and I started shoving her back. I don't know what her problem was, but I wasn't a punk.
Meagan yelled out, “Both of y'all are just jealous that I'm Al Dutch's girl now!”
The anger on my face turned to pity. I looked at Ginger, and she looked back at me. The two of us had never talked about our relationships with Al Dutch, but I got the feeling it hadn't been all good for her, and I had pretty much told her I thought he was crazy. But yet here was another girl standing before us defending his honor.
So I walked away, saying, “I'm not quitting the team. I'm here to practice. You can have Al Dutch.”
“Oh, girl, please. I already do,” she said, working her neck. “I didn't need your permission for that. You better not call him over to your place again.”
Obviously, he had used me to tell her some lie. I was so through with her I didn't even care to clear my name. The loudmouth know-it-all could think whatever she wanted. She had just better not come charging at me again.
 
“Okay, Cassidy, just because we got rid of the adviser doesn't mean you can't be a part of the chapter anymore,” Samantha said to me later that night when we were chilling back at our place.
“I just feel like if you don't stand for something, Sam, you'll fall for anything, and it wasn't right for them to get rid of her. I know you didn't vote for it, and I'm not mad at anybody for doing what they did, but that doesn't mean I have to jump up and down and be excited to be a Beta when they're doing stupid stuff. And this party you all are having tonight, what's the point?”
“The point is for us to raise some money so we can do more community service projects. If you'd come to the meetings ...” She paused.
“Please, girl. The meetings you are having illegally because you don't have an adviser there to mediate, you mean?”
“See, now you're talking technicality stuff. What are we supposed to do, just kill time and wait till we get a new one?”
I lashed out. “It was y'all's decision to think irrationally to get rid of the lady. Yeah, you're supposed to wait. Our chapter is still on probation, both from the school and from Grand Chapter, so all of us have a responsibility, Sam, to make sure that we follow the letter of the law all the way around so we don't do anything to jeopardize this chapter. But the Betas are just planning some campus party and having meetings without an adviser present. Y'all are just thinking you can make your own rules, and I'm not down with that.”
“Well, everybody wants you to be there. Even Torian and Loni,” Sam said in a sweet voice.
“Yeah, right, they haven't called me and asked me anything.” I wasn't tricked by her kindness.
She slid down near me and said, “They thought I would have a better shot at getting you to come.”
“Why would they want me there?” I said.
“Because you see a different side,” Sam explained. “You can be there to make sure nothing goes wrong. If nothing else, you love the chapter. You being there will keep everybody on their toes. You said they think haphazardly, so be there. We can get this right. Please.”
I don't know how she talked me into it, but a couple of hours later I was walking around the old gymnasium in which we were hosting our new-semester jam. I had to admit the deejay they had hired was off the chain. He had the latest beats, and from the get-go, even with the small crowd, any time somebody came in the door, they headed right to the dance floor to groove.
“Thanks for coming.” Torian came up behind me.
“I don't think what you did to Dr. Garnes was right,” I told her right off the bat so she didn't misunderstand that she and I still had big issues.
“I understand,” she said, “but we're sisters. We're not going to agree on everything, but we're always family. Come on, Cass, let's party. You know I know you can throw down. Give me some love.”
Though we hugged, I was still apprehensive. I mean, Torian couldn't even comprehend the fact that she was completely wrong, and if family broke the law, they still needed to be reprimanded for it. Yet she thought she was above all that. So though we had to exist in the same sorority, I knew we weren't going to be best buddies. Besides, she hadn't liked me from the beginning because she'd thought I was wild, and I would never forget how mean she'd treated me.
All of a sudden I got shoved hard in the back. The push was so abrupt it moved my body five feet forward.
When I turned back, Torian defended me and said, “Hey, hey, what's going on? What are you doing? You need to leave with all that.”
My mouth hung open; Meagan was standing there. Her hands were motioning for more. I walked back to her, and she shoved me again.
“You need to stay out of this,” Meagan said to Torian as Torian looked about to slug her. “This is between me and your slimy sorority sister who can't keep her hands off my man. Messing up my perfect world.”
“What are you talking about?” I said, knowing Al Dutch had fed her more bologna to cover his own lies.
“Al told me you've been calling him and texting him and you won't leave him alone. He was over at your place today to end it, and you put a hickey on his neck. Then he found out that—”
“I don't know what he's been telling you or why he's been making you think I want to be with him. You're the one who needs an eye-opener. He's a jerk, and I don't care if I ever see him again. Don't believe the hype. I despise Al Dutch.”
“You're just saying that,” she said as she shoved me again. “Of course you'd try to leave him now.”
I'd had enough. She was making my blood boil. I pushed her to the ground.
As soon as I raised my hand to hit her in the mouth, Torian stopped me. “It ain't worth it, girl, for real.”
I huffed. The party had ceased, and all eyes were on us.
“You need to get on out of here,” Torian said and stepped in Meagan's way.
“Get on. We don't want any trouble at our party,” I told Meagan. “You need to talk to Al Dutch and get him to tell you the truth. He was not with me.”
“This ain't over. Y'all Betas make me sick thinking you can have whatever you want because you wear some Greek letters. Y'all need to stop spreading stuff. I paid my money, and I ain't going nowhere,” Meagan said as she and a few of the other girls from the dance team followed her.
I stood face to face with Torian, not knowing what to say. I guess I owed her a thank you, but it just wouldn't come out. The whole night was crazy.
“We protect family. Don't let her get to you,” Torian said to me.
I nodded and just went my own way, furious. It was too late. I was so upset. I knew if anyone said anything too off the wall, we'd both go up in smoke.
 
I was walking around the party silently, and everybody was having fun. Because of the incident with Meagan, the excitement and vibe I was feeling for the jam had quickly subsided. The girl had to go psycho, fronting on me with some bull Al Dutch had told her. The gall of him. If I did ever cross paths with him again, he'd better not even front like we're cool.
Alyx came over to me and said, “It's hard being in a sorority, huh? But you wanted it. I'm sure you didn't think it'd be this messy, but I'm glad to see you here.”
I didn't know how to respond to her, because it was hard and I did want it and I didn't know if I was happy to be in the place. I'd much rather be at home. But even if I was there, I'd be thinking of my sorors and hoping they would not be getting themselves into trouble. Yet here I was about to hit someone.
“You and Torian will work through your differences. I'm a little salty with her, too, for letting Dr. Garnes go, but I just saw what she did,” Alyx said.
“Yeah, she had my back, and so?” I said, acting as if I didn't care.
“And so I know that mattered to you. I know that meant something. We're about to stroll. This is your first time as a Beta. Now, the Cassidy I know loves to show her stuff, and I think I'm the queen of it, too, so you just need to come on with me and let's get that smirk off your face.” I didn't budge. “Seriously, everybody has their own way of showing that they care about each other. We are dysfunctional, but we are Alpha chapter. Enjoy this with us.”
“But you're okay with the fact that there's no adviser here? That we could get in so much trouble if we're caught? People can start something with us or turn us in. There is so much wrong here,” I said, hoping the girl I admired felt the severity of what was happening.
“Nothing is going to happen. We won't get caught. I'm not okay with it, but the chapter voted on it. So Malloy, as the President, and me, as VP, have to go along. That's just one of our rules—when the vote doesn't go your way, you don't walk away. You know?”
I nodded.
The deejay got the word from Malloy, who had called the sorors to hit the floor. Alyx smiled my way and gestured for me to follow her. Maybe a good jam would help me ease up. To the dance floor I went.

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