Gratitude & Kindness (4 page)

Exercise:
Gratitude with ATTITUDE—Not Words

Take the opportunity to grab some time with your child and throw down the
Gratitude with Attitude NOT Words Challenge:

Imagine how you would show your gratitude to others if you had no voice. You may not use sign language or write. Remember: No speaking.

1. How would you express your gratitude if you could not say “thank you”?

2. Come up with three unique ways to say “thank you” without verbalizing it.

The next time you hear your child say “thank you” ask him/her:
“Why did you say ‘thank you’ for that cup of juice?”
It would be great if your child said something like,
“Because you got it for me specially after I said I was thirsty. I would have had to get it myself if you were busy.”

Or, next time you are cooking a special dinner, take 20 seconds
16
to express your own excitement about the love and attention that went in to preparing the family dinner and that you chose to make a special meal because you want them to be healthy and want them to feel cared for.

This will draw attention to the fact that gratitude is important in your household. It will also help demonstrate to your children a little bit more about your process behind the things you do for them. Children can tend to take being looked after for granted if they don’t understand the depth and heart behind what we do for them.

By focusing on gratitude and a meaningful “thank you”, you are making it clear that these acts are done out of love, but they should not be taken for granted. Food, washing, outings, treats, car rides, and clothing purchases are all opportunities for a meaningful “thank you”.

If your child cannot tell you why they are saying “thank you”, then you can work it out together. Eventually, they will begin to understand the gratitude loop and will begin to give back to you. As they get older, this will certainly make things like chore allocation easier.

Points to Remember, Actions to Take

• Key 1: Gratitude has the power to heal, energize, and change your life.
  It can turn contentious families around, stop constant fighting between siblings, and greatly improve the mindset of the child practicing gratitude.
  
• Key 2: Appreciating something or someone almost always leads to closer relationships between people.
  This is an essential part of forming and nurturing family and friendship-based relationships.
  
• Key 3: Affirmation strengthens relationships.
  In human social dynamics, when you express gratitude, you are affirming the relationship between you and the person who has given you something of his or her own accord.
  
• Key 4: How do you turn gratitude into action?
  Again, the best way to teach children of any age is by example. When they see how you appreciate others, they will attempt to do the same. Whether it turns out to be less or more effort, they will finally understand WHY turning gratitude into action is important.
  
• Key 5: What is entitlement?
  Entitlement is a notion or belief that one is deserving of some particular reward or benefit. It is the belief that a person is owed certain rights and benefits without further justification, and has the right to receive something or to do something.
  
• Key 6: Change your family’s perspectives on gratitude.
  Gratitude is not about appeasing the people who are giving. It is about introducing your children to a better way of living their lives that will bring them closer to others and make they themselves happier. Gratitude really can transform our lives, but only if we bring it out and dust it off regularly, instead of just once a year on Thanksgiving holidays.
  

  Take Action
  Do the GRATITUDE with ATTITUDE NOT WORDS Challenge
  (page 37)
  with your children, and use it as a basis for helping them to understand why a meaningful “thank you” is very important. Whenever you get the chance, ask them “why?”, or get them to tell you how they feel.
  

3

Where Does Entitlement Come From?

“So much has been given to me; I have no time to ponder over that which has been denied.”

[helen keller]

Entitlement is a state that naturally develops when life’s checks and balances are not in place. Children take when parents give.

It is what they do. When parents’ giving has inadequate checks and balances, their kids become takers. It is not the fault of our children.

As resources become more plentiful, and our needs are met more easily, entitlement is becoming more common among children, teens and –yes–adults. When parents bend over backwards to keep their children in the latest clothes, shoes, electronics, and comforts…

• to give them “what we never had”
  
• to make them happy
  
• to fit in with their friends
  
• “because we can afford it”
  

…or any other reason that leads to the kids’ taking being out of proportion to what they give, life’s checks and balances are not even.
This leads to entitlement.

Giving to, or making life easier for, our children is great. However, we cause damage when we do either to such an extent that our children
expect
and
demand
from us, or others. If a child or youth becomes entitled, it can make their entire life difficult. Once they begin to assume that they deserve advantages, they become easily disappointed, angry, feel hurt and frequently are resentful.

When the
y reach adulthood and have to struggle because life does not deliver them easy advantages, this is when that childhood entitlement will really work against them.

Notes from the Real Parenting Lab
on Misguided Efforts

A couple that used to consult with us—the Smiths—had two teenage girls and a young son, about five-years-old. The couple was not financially secure, but they both had good jobs. They tended to prioritize their teens’ unnecessary purchases because they felt guilty and inadequate if they said “no” due to financial strain, so they would overcompensate and say “yes” instead.

One daughter would say,
“I would have more friends and be more popular if I could go to the party—I only need $80.” The other would say, “I’m depressed. I really want that new pair of boots we saw at the shop, Mom.”
This kind of thing was going on constantly in their household—the unwelcome face of entitlement.

Nearly every time, the couple would accommodate the children. When they were younger, there were so many things they wanted that their own parents could not afford. That was the reason they worked so hard now. But this accommodation was also the very reason why their children were becoming so self-focused and demanding.

The parents shared the following incident,
“My daughter came home from school reporting that she had to stay in at recess because the teacher said she got out of her seat too many times. She said that the teacher was mean and punished her with no warning. I have to go down there and give that teacher a ‘piece of my mind.’ My daughter always follows the rules.”

• We do encourage parents to hear their children and to support them when they need help. But in this example, we coached the parent to help the child to identify her own role in what happened first, so she could take responsibility for her part in the situation. Shielding children from the consequences of their actions further perpetuates the internalized view that the world revolves around ME.
  

What Is A Misguided Effort?

A misguided effort, as we refer to in our psychology practice, refers to well-intentioned actions or statements to our children that backfire and end up with crummy results. A misguided effort in terms of entitlement, is an attempt to make your child’s life easier, or better, by:

1. Allowing them to do or have things just because you were not allowed to when growing up.
   
2. Making up for real or perceived shortcomings (your divorce, working overtime, their bad week with friends, being ill, etc.).
   
3. Giving them special advantages to reduce their stress or sadness. This, in many circumstances, is the right thing to do, but not if their sadness sprouts from their sense of entitlement, and most especially if giving to them is not warranted because:
   
   • Their attitude is unwelcoming, unfriendly, uncooperative, or generally miserable.
     
   • Their level of giving to the family is generally lacking.
     
   • The reward, service, or benefit you give them is out of proportion (the checks and balances are significantly unbalanced: “Sure, we’ll buy you a pony even though you punched your brother in the head today, Princess.”).
     

Remember how children learn.
They learn by watching us, and less so by the words we speak. That means every time we reward them, they think they are acting in the correct way.

You can nearly always tell when a child is approaching a parent from an entitled perspective. When a child who has been touched relatively less by the entitlement epidemic asks for something and is turned down, he or she may be sad for some moments but then moves on. The
entitled child does not. The entitled child does not accept “no” with grace.

Entitled children will continue to escalate the issue. They will register their displeasure and then repeatedly talk, plead, or whine about it, sometimes even berating, belittling, or comparing the parents to other, better, parents. Faced with this onslaught, it is easy to become angry or frustrated, and to feel like the situation is hopeless.

Just to be clear, our children, as a rule, do not have the right to demand anything from us. They are not privileged individuals and are not helped by being pampered, catered to, or overly indulged just because they live and breathe. As our children grow up, if they are too much the center of their parents’ world, and are led to believe by our unintentional messages that they are the center of the known universe, they are at a disadvantage because, of course, that is not how human society works.

Gratitude Tip
If you think your child is becoming entitled (or is already), it means that you have likely tried to make the world a satisfying, pleasant, fun, and happy place for them. You likely have protected them against consequences, and have taught them to expect the best in life.

However, we would like to ditch the “expect” the best in life and teach them to “work for” the best in life, instead.

If a child gets angry when their demands are not met, then subsequently receives what they were demanding, or when they are not put on a competitive sports team after tryouts, until their parent calls or emails and threatens the coach, this seriously damages the child’s perspective on reality. He or she learns that benefits in life do not need to be earned. Instead, children learn that negative or aggressive behavior can be the key to what they want (or what they
think
they want), and that it pays to be unkind or a bully.

These kinds of misguided efforts by parents lead to children that put in little effort, have a tendency to be belligerent and angry, and who frequently fight with their parents. They also often end up with too much power and rule the home. Entitled children struggle to feel empathy for their parents (and others) and often lack the ability to appreciate that their parents are also real people with their own heartaches and joys, and do not exist simply to supply them with whatever they want.

The Haves vs. The Have Nots Rule

When we as parents attempt to help our children along in life by trying to make them happy by giving them every advantage and comfort we can afford, we are unwittingly making our children more fragile and unable to cope.

It’s tempting for some to see a child who comes from a noticeably wealthy background and comment, “What a spoiled little rich kid.”

The saying is universally acknowledged as a negative commentary on the over-indulged, “spoiled” child.

We are not fans of the word “spoiled”. We still use it on occasion, because it is a word woven into the fabric of our society, with a universally understood meaning. But, the word remains negative. It implies that the child is “bad” or somehow at fault. This blaming of the indulged child is particularly odd when you hear a three-month-old infant being described as “spoiled”—as though it could possibly be the fault of the baby that their first party dress cost more than some people’s first car.

So, how can a child possibly be “spoiled” if they do not come from a family of great financial advantage? Easily. We have access to a lot more today than did our parents, or their parents. Even if we are barely getting by financially, we can still afford to “spoil” our children through our actions, and the expectations those actions develop in our children.

When a child receives $100 for each A on a report card, a pony for their second birthday, and a new car when they turn 16, most of us would agree that this is too much—an overpayment. But what about those overpayments that are not so extravagant and expensive? Do they still qualify as “spoiling”?

Yes, if: a) the payment is out of balance with what is usually thought of as normal or typical and, b) this overpayment happens on a regular basis until a child comes to expect this as normal, expected, and deserved.

We would like to propose that it is really the attitude that counts here, not the amount of money that we have or spend. That there is no “haves vs. have nots”, and socio economic status does little to prevent the creation of spoiled children.

The rule is that ANY parent ANYWHERE can spoil their child. But let’s shift from the term “spoiled” to “entitled”, because it is the expectation and demands of the child for the overpayment that is the additional troublesome part of the equation.

Giving favors, special advantages, or rewards—big or small—to children that are whiny, disrespectful or demanding, or take things for granted and do not consider the needs or feelings of others, teaches them that this is the right way to get results. (Passing a glass of water to a child that asks for it in a rude, belligerent manner, or hallowing the privilege to sit in the front seat after pushing their sibling out of the way are examples of this.) It doesn’t have to cost any money at all to create opportunities for entitlement to grow in the lives of our children. Our children will never stop wanting things, advertisers have made sure of that. But this does not mean that we have to give in. Remember, our children learn more by actions than words. If we demand that they act, talk, and walk with gratitude and respect, they will do it because:

• It is strongly modeled in our family and that modeling reinforces the family values.
  
• They understand that this is the way our family behaves and it will help them understand how to get what they need in a way that respects these family values.
  
• So, when we
  talk about entitlement, we aren’t talking about the haves and have nots. Any child can be entitled if they adopt a certain attitude based on behavior they learned from us.
  

Families with great financial wealth do have their own challenges with the overall entitlement concern. Families we have worked with that are very economically advantaged tell us that:

• They have a challenging time with saying “no” to their children because they can afford any item or luxury. They want to make their child happy, and it is easier
  to say “yes”.
  
• Sometimes they feel guilty and awkward about their money and can have a hard time instilling healthy values around giving and receiving—feeling like they need to “give, give, give” to their children because
  they can.
  

In contrast, families that we have worked with who can barely afford rent or food tell us that:

• They often will let their children disrespect the family rules to make up for the fact that they cannot provide the material comforts that others can.
  
• They will sometimes spend way too much money on coveted items that their children are asking for because they are feeling guilty about not having enough. This adds stress and anxiety when buying the designer jeans or concert tickets that “all the other kids have,” leaves no money to pay essential bills.
  

The haves and the have not families each have their own set of challenges when it comes to the issues of spoiling and entitlement, but the rule is that money does not matter:

Entitlement can occur no matter the financial situation of the family.

The Needs Trap: When Good Parenting Turns Bad

Now for a couple of tough questions. Are your child’s needs almost always met? Do you work hard to anticipate your child’s needs? Any good parent would—or so you would think. Perhaps one of the key reasons is because when we make sure our children are happy, it makes us happy.

But when our child’s needs are constantly met, they are never allowed to need something—really need something—or feel what it feels like to go without, even for a small period, it makes them unable to deal with discomfort. This impedes their emotional development, as they never learn to cope with going without, or generate their own solutions to meet their needs.

If you are the kind of parent who:

• Consistently gives your seven-year-old juice before he gets thirsty.
  
• Wraps your 11-year-old in warm sweaters before she gets cold.
  
• Intervenes in social issues too soon, before the 14-year-old experiences distress or has a chance to make sense of it on her own.
  

Gratitude Tip
Remember, when it comes to parenting, sometimes short-term advantage leads to long-term disadvantage. The repeated quick and easy “yes” to the chocolate bar request when our hands are full at the supermarket checkout, will lead to a lifetime of demands that grow faster than the weeds in your garden.

Then you are ina
dvertently raising a child who will be overly dependent and less able to cope with distress and discomfort as she gets older. Overindulging our children is destructive to their emotional strength, confidence, and ability to cope and bounce back from challenges.

When we constantly meet the wants of our children, they will be unable to determine what the difference is between
needs
and
wants
. “I’m your daughter,” is not a good reason to buy something that your child wants. Nor is it okay for our kids to say something like: “I need those new sneakers.”