Guarded Hearts (28 page)

“No, but that is all I care about. I don’t want to give any thought to Tom and Kylie.”

“Yeah, you shouldn’t. They are scum,” I agree with her. They don’t deserve any thought or emotion from Mandy or me. They knew what did would have consequences if the truth ever came out. The door swings open, and in rushes Mrs. Scott.

“Baby, how do you feel?” She says with concern as she reaches Mandy and hugs her.

“Oh, mom.” The tears start anew. That’s our cue to leave them alone. I know they have always been close. Her mother will comfort her better than me. I give the let’s-go look to Nix. He gets up and walks towards the door, but holds his hand out. I take it in mine, and just like that I am home.

L
ove, death, hardship, pain; it is all difficult to overcome, but once you overcome it you can look back and wonder how you made it through. How can one person endure so much and yet be able to live to tell the tale? I realized that life has made me resilient. It held me in its hands and shielded me from breaking.

A couple of days after Nix and I left the hospital, I moved all my belongings into his apartment. I could not go back into the place that caused so much pain. The darkness that lingers when I enter my room brings chills to my spine. I know that the house has many good memories, but in my case the bad memories have a great herculean force that overpowers all the good ones. My sisters have always been good to me, and I will see them around campus. I just can’t call that place home anymore. Nix is my home.

So much has unraveled in the last couple of days. Tom got arrested and was charged with rape by use of drugs, and Kylie was expelled from school with no charges brought against her since she agreed to testify against Tom. Mandy has since left the hospital and is dealing with her loss of a baby she loved, as well as dealing with the repercussions of her rape. The sadness that blankets her makes my heart ache.

It’s difficult to see someone you love hurt, and I want to wrap her up, place her in a bubble, and protect her from all the evilness of this world. I know shielding her could potentially hurt her, but I don’t want her hurting now. I want to reach in her brain and rearrange her limbic system. That’s how much love I have for her, it is unconditional. All the actions that have caused our lives to change have also caused reactions. Most have been supportive, but few have not, and for that reason Mandy is debating on staying here in South Carolina or returning to Texas.

“Help me understand why you want to leave?” I ask, because I want her to stay. This is selfish of me, but I can’t bear the thought of her not being near. She is the one person I can run to about anything, and no matter how small or big of a problem, she helps me through it.

“Livi, I just don’t have anyone here.” I open my mouth to speak, but she places her finger over my lips. “Let me finish,” she says abruptly. “You’re going to be with Nix, and I don’t want to be alone right now. If I go home I’ll have my mom and my sister.”

I can’t believe what I’m hearing. How can she think Nix will consume my every moment? I clench my eyes shut, letting my hurt subside. My eyes begin to water, and I look right into her eyes. I take her in my arms and hug her. I feel the wetness of her tears on my shoulder and small gasps escaping from her.

“I love you, and you won’t be alone. You will always have me. You come before Nix, you’re my family. You know that,” I tell her, still embracing her. I pull away so that she can see me and know that I mean every word. Without even consulting Nix I know what I need to do. I know he won’t mind.

“Stay, there’s nothing more I want than you here with me, please,” I beg.

“What? No way, I can’t impose. You two are barely restoring your relationship. No, no, no. That would be rude of me.” She turns around and faces the window. The apartment is quiet; Nix is gone, but he should be returning soon. I need him to help me convince her to stay.

“No, it would be rude if you didn’t stay. You need to finish school. I know that it’s not going to be easy, but remember all the times you were there for me? Let me be here for you.” She turns to face me again and I see her face rationalizing on the idea.

“But I need my mom right now,” she says. Mrs. Scott flew back home the day Mandy was released from the hospital. She needed to go back to work and had no more vacation days left. I will never understand the feeling of needing a mother’s comfort. I know I have longed for it, but unlike Mandy, I never received it. A mother’s comfort is not something I can give her, and it pains me to know that she might leave for that reason.

We both know that if she leaves she won’t come back. She can’t afford a round trip home and back, and neither can her mom. As much as I want her here, I know I need to let her go.

I let out a deep sigh. “I understand.” I turn to hug her, and we laugh and we cry, but the embrace is so much more than just an embrace. It is an acknowledgement that we both know we will make it through this, that we can handle life and all its colors.

“What is going on? I swear, every time I leave I come back to you girls in tears.” We pull away and begin to laugh. He’s right; we are big crybabies.

I slowly walk towards Nix and I place my arms around him, leaning into his chest. “Mandy is going back to Texas,” I say to him, and I feel the tears well up just thinking about not having her near.

“Mandy, you are welcome here with us anytime. We will understand your decision if you choose to leave, just know we love you.” Nix hugs me a little tighter.

“I need my mom. I love you guys too, but I need my mom. Life has pulled me in so many directions that I feel like I’m going to fall apart. I want to finish school. I want to be here. I just want to feel okay again. I just don’t know how to.” Mandy’s voice breaks and tears roll down her cheeks.

“If anyone knows how to get through life when it has chewed you up and spit you out, you are with the two people that would be able to guide you when it feels like everyone has walked all over you. The pain, hurt, and loss you are feeling will lessen, but only love can heal those wounds. I used to think nothing could heal me, but I was wrong. Olivia healed me. Please, let us help you heal.” At this point we are crying.

I know the reason why she has to leave, but what Nix just said is a good reason enough to stay. I know she needs her mom right now, I know that she can’t afford a round trip, but if Nix and I pay for her flight she’ll at least have a choice.

“Mandy, let us pay your flight.” Mandy jerks her head up to look at me.

“No!” she exclaims quickly.

“Yes,” Nix states.

“Please, Mandy, let us help you,” I beg her.

“Okay.” I know she only agreed to it for me. It will make me feel better knowing there is a possibility she might return.

Mandy has been taking shelter in Sky’s room, but the room is bare, with only a bed, a dresser, and a lamp decorating it. If Mandy returns I would like to make this look more like a home for her. I see her sit on the bed, and she looks gauntly and fragile. I hope time with her mother will heal her.

“If you decide not to return I can have the rest of your belongings shipped to you,” I say.

I sit next to her and she holds my hand. “Thank you, I wish I could make a decision right now, but I can’t. I need time to know what I am going to do. I don’t know if I could face coming back,” she says wearily.

“I know. Get some rest. I’ll see you in the morning.” I give her a smile so that she knows I’m okay with whatever decisions she makes. I turn off her light and shut her door.

I walk into the bedroom and find Nix on the bed. I rush to him, tears filling my eyes. He embraces me. I lean in, and quiet sobs escape me. He doesn’t say a word to me; he knows why I’m hurting. I love that he just lets me be. He gently strokes my back, and lies me down next to him. My head is against his chest and I can hear his heartbeat. I close my eyes and I can hear it magnify and resonate from his chest; it is the most soothing sound. I just found my new therapy. Now that I have him I don’t need hot showers to help deal with my pain.

S
he lies still next to me, and I can smell her sweet scent emitting from her skin as I breathe her in. I can’t imagine not being here next to her. She owns my heart. It feels like yesterday when my world came crashing down. I can feel the ache in my chest when thinking back to the days when she was absent in them. All that we have endured has only made me realize how much I love this woman.

“I love you,” I whisper to her. I want to tell her that every day when she wakes up, and every night before she goes to sleep. I want her to always remember, even when she’s mad, sad, or feels like she hates me. I never want her to forget those three words. I see her eyes open, and she places a kiss on my lips.

“I love you.” Those three words make my heart skip a beat. She doesn’t say too at the end of that, she doesn’t say it in response to my words; she just says to me, and it fucking sends me to heaven.

Even though the destruction that threatened our relationship was a sinister plan brought on by a selfish, heartless bitch, it left us both questioning our trust, and restoring what we once had isn’t going to come easy. Mentally I had betrayed her by the images that were sketched in her mind that morning, and there are times when I feel like it’s true. It left us with dealing with something that never really took place. It is psychological. I know that with time it will dissipate, and getting through this will come with its rewards. She doesn’t expect perfection from me; doesn’t expect chocolates and flowers. All she expects is my love for her, and it makes me love her that much more.

Our hearts were once guarded, now we both have let down our guards. Our hearts may be vulnerable, but I’d rather feel something than not feel at all. How can one measure love? What is love? Love is a feeling that is unexplainable, love is ugly, love is beautiful, love is pain, and love is us.