Guarded Hearts (3 page)

I
packed all my stuff in one hour since I don’t have much. Most of the clothes are staying here since I am going to go shopping as soon as I arrive in South Carolina. I am taking the pictures that Mandy has given me over the years. I only have one picture of my mother, taken before I was born, before she turned into an addict. She was beautiful. When the beatings used to get worse I would take out that picture and remember that she was once beautiful and nice, but more importantly happy. I have not seen her the last couple of days, and even though I want to escape and never come back, I worry about her. What is going to become of her when I leave? Will she care? Or will she get completely lost in the darkness? No, I have to stop thinking about her, because if not I will never leave this cage. I wish my life would have been different, but then I start to think if it would have still led me to this. Being able to get a full ride scholarship to the university I have chosen. But then again I would rather experience being loved.

My tattoo is itches me like crazy, but I love it. Mandy was scared and I had to hold her hand throughout the whole process. The pain that the needle inflicted was not the worse I had experienced, so I was strong for both of us for once.

The words I found were going to be inspiration to not fall into the deep end.
We refuse to sink.
These words would give us the strength to overcome anything life will throw at us, as soon as we are free. The weeks seem to fly, but now that I am leaving the hours seem to have slowed down. I want to say goodbye to my mother, but at the same time I don’t wish to see her. I don’t know what her reaction will be. I wonder if the elation yet fear of the unknown is normal. I wonder if this is how inmates feel when they have been in prison for years and they are being freed. The excitement of being out but not knowing how the world has changed or how the people are going to treat them, but I guess anything is better than being in a cage.

My last night in the trailer was uneventful, thank God. My mother once again is a no show. I wonder when she will notice, and since I am eighteen she has no say anymore in what I do or where I go, if she even cares. I know one thing for sure, she will be glad to get rid of the competition that she saw in me with the men these last three years. She is selfish and mean. I have to stay mad at her. If not the pain of her not caring will get the best of me again.

I hear the honk of Mrs. Scott’s car outside as I look around my home one last time, where I was neglected most of my youth. I take in all the memories that are flashing through my mind and wish I could leave them here like my furniture, but I know they are forever etched inside me. I make a vow here and now that even though I can’t forget them, I will silence them forever. I open the cage door and close it for the last time. I don’t know if I will ever come back here. I make it to the car without an emotion on my face, but as I close the car door a single tear slides down my face. I wipe it away quickly and take a deep breath. This is what I’ve wanted since forever, I can do this. I have to do this. We arrive at the airport while I was in a daze. I say goodbye to Mrs. Scott and thank her for the ride. I step on the curb and hug my best friend.

“Bye
chica
, be brave,” Mandy says with a sad smile. “I will be there in a couple of weeks.”

“You better not be late or chicken out, I will be waiting,” I order her. “And can you please check in on…”

“Yes I will. Don’t worry,” she says as she lets me go. I turn to walk into the airport and make my descent towards the terminal. I look around at all the people walking in and out of the airport and wonder how many of them are like me with nobody waiting for them at their destination. How many are starting their lives as of this moment? I take a seat contemplating the diversity of the people around me. In the aisle across from me there is this blonde skinny girl all decked out in designer threads. She is beautiful, but I can’t understand why she looks depressed. What does she have to be sad about? Maybe she broke a nail.

They announce my flight number, Delta Flight 201, and the blonde also gets up and walks to terminal to make a line behind the other passengers. Our gazes meet and she smiles; not a full smile, but an I’m–dealing-with-pain smile. I think I smile too. We get on the plane and I look for my seat 30B, when I spot it I look at who will be my neighbor for the flight and next in 30A is the beautiful blonde girl. So it looks like we will both be making our stop in Florence, South Carolina.

As I sit down she pulls out a red SCU fleece blanket and throws it across her lap. She looks at me and smiles again.

“Hi, I’m Katherine, but my sisters and friends call me Kat. Well, except Kylie,” she says with a cheerful voice. I have no idea who that is.

“I’m Olivia, and my friend calls me Livi,” I reply with a shy smile.

This is all the opening she needs to go into a monologue about herself. She tells me about her summer with her mother at MD Anderson Hospital where her mother is being treated for ovarian cancer, but she is okay for now. She asks where I am heading and that starts about a three hour infomercial about her sorority, Sigma Omega Sigma, aka S.O.S., where she is the reigning President. During her speech I become more comfortable with her and start becoming more determined to leave all my troubles behind. I have a chance to become anyone. So, when she breaks in conversation, I ask her to help me makeover myself and in return I promise to rush for her sorority.

Once we arrived we go to work. She teaches me about what colors go better with my olive skin which she is jealous of since I have a year around tan. She takes me to a salon where they cut and add gold highlights into my hair. They also wax my eyebrows, and other things that make me blush. She and some of her sorority sisters help me with make-up tips. I am having a blast, but I miss Mandy.

Once again, the weeks seem to fly by, because now I’m at the bus stop waiting for Mandy.

“Welcome to our new home.” I rush to her and hug her.

“Oh my God, Livi, you look beautiful.”

“Wait until we do you,” I respond. It still creeped me out to look in a mirror.

“Heck no, I have my own style, that I love by the way,” she says.

I convinced Mandy to rush with me, even though at first she flat out refused. I promised Kat. After two weeks of degrading dares and absurd chores I became a sister of the Sigma Omega Sigma, where I start to work my way into the sisterhood. I make sure I am on top of the class and we go to the best college party’s on campus. I am having the time of my life. It is like my first time tasting candy, I have a sugar rush on college life.

But nothing prepares me for what happens after my second semester in SCU when Kat’s mother loses her battle with cancer. They are going to have the mass and funeral in her hometown, so Kat decided to stay to help her family adjust. So with Kat leaving, her spot as President became open; we are having a meeting to decide who is taking over before Kat leaves. All the sisters have to vote, and I hope we get someone as awesome as Kat. We all write down our choice on a piece of paper and drop it in a box in the living room. I choose Kylie because she is VP. And the waiting begins. Kat and all the board members come out of liberation; I look all around the room and see the anxiety is on all our faces. I have come to love all the girls.

“Well sisters, we read all the ballots. The votes were unanimous. Your new President is, Livi,” she says.

I am stunned. All the sisters start to congratulate me. I look for Kat, but I see her in what looks like an argument with Kylie. I know she was pretty upset when they decided to vote for a President instead of just having her move up the ladder.

“I’m VP and 5
th
generation S.O.S., I am a legend. Besides she has no connections in the University or Greek Road,” I hear her argue.

Well, Kylie now I do.

I
t has been a year since I decided to leave my old life in hot-fucking Texas. A year of leaving behind all the darkness that revolved around me on a daily basis. A year of freedom that I worked so hard for, the reason I studied nonstop since I was twelve.

My sophomore year in college starts today, and Mandy and I have every course together this semester. We are saving on books since I don’t have a job and Mandy needs to save money for clothes and other things. Living space and food are covered since I made her join the sorority, which is convenient since she lives with me at the sorority house.

“Livi, hurry up! We are going to be late, and remember early fucking bird gets the worm,” Mandy yells through the restroom door.

“I’m going. I can’t seem to get my hair in place,” I say to her, trying quickly to perfect my hair. Mandy knows I hate being late for anything; times are set for a reason. I can hear her singing in the bedroom. She is always perky in the morning with no coffee required, even though she works until 3 am. I on the other hand, need it for survival purposes in the morning. Last spring she started working at this club downtown called Po!son, and according to her it is the best fucking club around, and the DJ is hot, something that I didn’t know since I have not gone to visit her there as of yet. But it is my mission sometime this month to go. All I have to do is finish with this year’s rush week, Kick-off Celebration, Homecoming, Halloween, and winter formal. Oh, and find my senior mentor for law school, and complete all my homework and papers in-between. I have to make an effort since she is the only person who loves me for me.

I walk out of the restroom after deciding that a ponytail will do. I have to look impeccable. I have a reputation to maintain, it being the first day of class and all. Kylie will not be forgiving if there’s anything out of place.

“Olivia, can I catch a ride to school with you?” Kylie asks. She is the only one that doesn’t call me Livi. She says that we we’re no longer on the playground, that we are powerful woman now, which I still don’t understand.

“Of course, no need to ask,” I reply. I hear grunting and can feel eye rolling behind me from Mandy, who for some reason doesn’t like Kylie. Mandy told me once that she felt uneasy around her, like a snake curling up and getting ready to strike.

First class is Psychology 103. Mandy and I took a lot of AP classes in high school to have a jump start, so our classes mainly consist of juniors and seniors. Kylie is majoring in economic so we don’t have any classes together, but we have the same schedules.

We all climb into my car to head to SCU, the place that has become my safe haven, sprawled throughout the center of town with the most beautiful buildings and surrounded by trees. I love fall on the east coast. Nothing compares to the lawns full of orange, yellow, and red leaves during this season.