Gunz and Roses (20 page)

“Look, I know what I did was fucked up, but you gotta understand where I'm coming from. All this shit is new to me. Yeah, I done been in relationships in the past, but none of them were serious—at least not to me. But then here you come. I ain't never met nobody like you. And yeah, it may sound like some sucka shit, but sometimes I get scared too,” he finally admitted. “There. I said it.”

“I ain't tryin' to lose you, ma. If we can work this shit out, I swear to God, I'ma do better.”

Like anyone would be, Gray was flattered by Gunz's fascination with her. Like most single black women, all of her life she'd wanted someone to crave. Gunz was like uncharted territory, greatly intriguing. But now that she'd seen what lay behind his smile, like his constant lies, cheating, and unfulfilled promises, she needed a moment to deliberate whether he was even worth her time.

“I don't know, Gunz.”

“So you don't love me no more?”

“That's not even relevant right now.” She shook her head.

“I'm askin' you a question.”

“Yes, I still love you. That shit ain't gon' go away in a matter of seconds, but loving you is not enough. You're not gonna continue to play around wit' my heart. I'm tired of tryin' to be wit' you. I'm tired of tryin' to get you to see what I see so fuckin' clearly.”

“And what's that?”

“The fact that you would even have to ask says everything.” Gray began to walk away.

“Where you going?”

“I'm done talkin'.”

“What is it that you see so clearly? Tell me.”

“That we're supposed to be together,” she yelled, spinning around on her heels.

Gunz knew Gray's answer before she said it. He'd known from the start that she was the one. The fear of loving her and losing her like he'd lost his sister and best friend was just too much for him to ever consider. But now that he was forced to swallow that bitter pill, he recognized that loving Gray was the best decision he'd made in life so far.

Gray, on the other hand, was unfazed by his too little too late apology.

“Okay, well, let us be together.”

“No. I'm done. I'm not going back this time,” she cried.

“C'mon, ma, you don't mean that.” He caressed her face.

“Yes, I do.” Her lips trembled. “I can't do this no more.”

“So that's it? It's that easy for you to walk away?”

“No, it's not easy, but that's what I gotta do for me.”

“If that's how you want it then . . .” Gunz nodded his head, disappointed.

Gray held the door open for him but opted not to look at his face. If she did, she knew she would go back on every word she'd just hit him with. Gunz swallowed the tears in his throat and headed out the door. Nothing he had to say would make up for the way Gray felt. The damage had already been done, and at this point, he deserved to get everything she dished out.

 

Gray walked at a steady but brisk pace. Snowflakes the size of nickels fell rapidly from the sky onto her bare hands as she tried her best to shield herself from the wind. Starbucks was only a few more feet away. Gray couldn't wait to get inside and get a hot cup of joe.

The aroma of fresh brewed coffee danced through the air and up Gray's nose as soon as she entered. Rubbing her frozen hands together, she stepped into line. It wouldn't be long until it was time for her to be back to work. Normally she would've eaten in the cafeteria, but on that chilly November afternoon, Gray felt like being alone with her thoughts.

After ordering the house blend, she made her way over to an empty table for two by the store window. Gray took off her cashmere coat and placed it on the back of the chair. For a second she imagined that Gunz was the one doing it. She'd been doing a lot of that lately. Gray never imagined that getting used to the idea of being alone would be so difficult.

Often, she second guessed herself and wondered if she had made the right decision by saying good-bye. Maybe she shouldn't have said they could never go back. Coping with the fact that he was gone and they were over was cruelty in its worst form. Each day became more difficult. Gray's days weren't long enough, and her nights seemed to go on for an eternity. And yes, he'd hurt her in the worst way imaginable, but for weeks she hadn't eaten or slept. Her favorite color to wear had become black. Every five seconds she checked her phone to see if it had rung. Everybody but him seemed to call.

Missing him wasn't a surprise, but she needed to know that he missed her too. Her friends all said that she should get over him and move on, but was it such a crime that key parts of her longed to be with him? And yes, she should fall back and let the chips land where they may, but Gray couldn't risk her heart being on the losing end of the stick and them not being together for good.

She was a complete and utter mess. Any and everything made her cry. It was as if her life was stuck on pause, and everything else around her was continuing on as normal. Being alone couldn't be her reality. God knew her heart and how she longed to be with a man. Gunz had to have been brought into her life for a reason. Maybe he was the one she'd been praying for. Nobody was perfect, and relationships weren't easy.

Taking a sip from her cup, she stared out the window. A young couple was crossing the street hand in hand. The guy led the way. When they entered the coffee house, he unraveled the woman's scarf and took off her coat. She laughed as he picked snowflakes out of her hair. They seemed so carefree and in love. At the table, he took a hold of each of her hands and gazed lovingly into her eyes.

Jealous, Gray focused her attention elsewhere. Unfortunately for her, the sight of love was everywhere she turned. If rewinding time was something she could do, she would in a heartbeat. She needed her lifeline back, but even if they got back together, things would never be the same. And yes, she could see through all of his lies. Yet and still, something in her wanted to try again. The nauseating feeling in the pit of her stomach had to end. She couldn't cope with it one more day.

 

For Gunz, being without Gray was like moving mountains—damn near impossible. She was his life support, his stairway to heaven. Unknowingly, she'd become a part of him. Often, he'd find himself staring blankly out into space with thoughts of her on his mind. If only he could turn back the hands of time. He'd hold her body so tenderly, as if it were made of glass. He'd treat every precious kiss as if it were the last. In the next lifetime, he'd promise to find her sooner.

And no, he wasn't perfect, but without Gray, he was left with nothing. She was the yellow to his blue. Forever with her seemed like the perfect ending to his story, but his immature, selfish ways had finally caught up with him. Gunz knew while he was out in the streets tricking off, he should've been home with her. Gray was a good girl. He should've never had her thinking she was the only one.

Yet and still, the mere thought of her being with someone else caused his stomach to churn. From the moment they met, she was his. Fucking around with Devin wasn't worth seeing her cry, but a part of him recognized that he couldn't love her right. The vibe between them was all wrong; yet and still, he wasn't willing to let go. He wanted to escape from the unexpected feelings that inflicted his heart, but Gray had him hook, line, and sinker.

It seemed like no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't get her out of his system. He tried to be on some “fuck her, whateva” type shit, but his heart wouldn't let him fall back. He wished and prayed for her to call, but she never did. Gunz had even gone so far as to kick it with other chicks, but no other woman could take the place of Gray.

At night, he rode past her place just to feel close to her. He missed everything from her kiss to the touch of her hand. Surely she missed him too. She was his angel sent from up above. She shone brighter than any star. They'd come too far to end things now.

 

Before long, Gray had unknowingly begun a routine of going to work, coming home, showering, and then lying on the couch under Gunz's favorite mint green throw cover. The smell of his Jean Paul Gautier cologne still lingered in the fabric. Gray placed the cover up to her nose, closed her eyes, inhaled deep, and then sang along to Tamia's “Officially Missing You.”

“Just a week ago you were . . . my baby. Now I don't even know you at all. I don't know you at all. Well, I wish that you would call me right now.”

Holding her chest, Gray allowed tears of regret to roll down her face. She should've followed her first mind and backed out gracefully a long time ago. Gunz was everything she prayed for, but nothing like he could've been. He was the only man she'd love not to forgive. Gray wished that she was strong enough to say love me or leave me, but the fear of Gunz not being there at the end of the day was too excruciating to put up with.

And yes, it fucked her up how he would say no one came before her, but over and over he scarred her heart with his cheating ways. Hate for him lingered in her limbs, but in the same instance, to take a breath without him was like fighting the wind—impossible. Gray didn't want to love him. She desperately wanted to see past him, but thoughts of was he missing her too devoured her mind.

As the track changed to John Legend's “I Love, You Love,” Gray's phone began to ring. Gray glanced at the screen. In a split second, her heart dropped to the pit of her stomach. It was Gunz. Should she answer? Tears filled every crevice of her face as she reached to pick up the phone. Choking back the tears, she pressed the ANSWER button.

“Hello,” she spoke just above a whisper.

“I need to talk to you.”

“Okay.”

“I'm outside. Can I come in?”

“Yeah.”

“A'ight, here I come,” he replied before hanging up.

Unprepared for their confrontation, Gray slowly got up from the couch, walked to the door, and opened it. Gunz towered above her. The smell of his cologne melted her senses. He wasn't fighting fair. He looked sexier than ever in a white tee, blood red cardigan, dark denim jeans, and red-and-white Cre8tive Recs. His signature aviator shades shielded his eyes, while a TAG Heuer watch shone from his wrist.

Gunz was like a decadent piece of chocolate, rich and delectable. Being in his presence was like staring into the face of danger. The question was, was she ready to pull the trigger? To see him broke her heart because she knew what he was there for. He'd come back to reclaim the piece of her heart that he'd left splattered on the floor.

“So how you been?” he asked as he took a seat on the couch.

“As well as can be, I guess.” Gray stood across from him with her arms folded across her chest.

“Why you got my cover out?” He pointed over his shoulder.

“Gunz, you didn't come over here to talk about that cover. What do you want?”

“You,” he stated bluntly.

“Yeah, right,” she replied dryly.

“So what, you don't believe me?”

“No,” she said, trying to avoid his eyes.

“Gray . . . you know me. I don't play about how I feel.”

“Gunz, when you had me, you didn't know how to treat me.”

“I understand that, but all I know is . . . somehow, some way, you snuck into my heart, and no matter how hard I try to fight it . . . the shit just won't go away.”

“Okay, so what am I supposed to do about that?”

“Let me come home,” he said sincerely.

“No. I can't keep doing this shit wit' you.” She threw her hands down to her sides. “ 'Cause you know what? For a while it'll be all good, and right when I get comfortable, you'll go and do something that'll break my fuckin' heart all over again. No.” She tried to convince herself. “I won't do it. I love you, Gunz, I do, but this shit is crazy,” she yelled, trying to regain her composure despite the tears that trickled down her cheeks.

“So what you want me to do? Just walk away?”

“Yes! Please do that for me, 'cause I have tried to walk away from you . . . but I can't,” Gray stressed. “My heart won't let me. I love you and I always will, and you know it. And you use it every time to pull me back in, and that's what you're doing now. You have this hold on me and I can't break it no matter how hard I try. And it scares me to death 'cause I know that you could push your way out of my life if you wanted to, so I'm asking you to let me go.”

“Nah, I can't do that.” He shook his head, unwilling to let her go.

“Why not?”

“ 'CAUSE I FUCKIN' LOVE YOU, THAT'S WHY!” Gunz jumped up from the couch and got into her face. “You my fuckin' wife! I ain't giving up on you that easy! Look . . . yo, I know I did some fucked-up shit in the past, but I'm here and I'm ready.”

For a minute, Gray stood speechless. For almost a year, she'd died to hear those words escape from Gunz's lips. Now, here they were, floating in space, waiting for a response. It was obvious that she still loved him, but was her heart willing to admit the truth and risk being broken in half again?

“Ready for what?” she finally asked.

“To be the man you need.”

Gray was astounded. She'd never heard Gunz speak so passionately, and about her, no less. Should she let the wall she'd built fall down? She loved Gunz too much to let him hurt her again. If she let him back in her life, he was sure to hurt her ten times worse the second time around. But then he took her into his arms and placed his soft lips upon hers. All the doubts she had dissolved like snow on a warm day. And yes, she should tell him to go so she could wean herself off of him for good, but Gunz was her drug of choice. And like most addicts, it may cost her a lot in the end, but Gray was willing to give him one more chance.

 

“Where are we going?” Gray asked as she and Gunz drove out to the middle of nowhere.