Half In Love With Death

For David, Thomas, and Julianne

The night Jess left us, I sat on the front step twirling my little brother Dicky's top round and round. As I sent it spinning down the walkway and the black circles blurred into gray, I wanted to believe the stripes were really disappearing, that it was magic, but I knew it was an optical illusion. I was drawn to things that were not what they appeared to be. Sometimes I thought everything was an illusion.

I wiped the back of my neck, damp with sweat. It was getting late, but not a bit cooler. Darkness was erasing the green from the grass, the blue from the sky. The palm trees that lined our street looked like black cutouts. The swing sets were still. There were no more shouts of “olly olly oxen free.” The younger kids who'd been playing hide-and-seek had all gone inside.

The time of day right after dinner sometimes made me lonely, but that August night I had something to look forward to. I was going to the drive-in with Jess and her boyfriend, Tony. My sister was seventeen, two years older than me, and she was in love with Tony. I couldn't wait for him to show up, take her hand and then mine as he turned to my dad and said, “I'll bring your two princesses home before midnight, Mr. Galvin. Promise.” All the girls loved Tony, but he belonged to Jess, and when he took my hand I couldn't help but feel he also belonged to me.

I squinted at the distant place where the road met the desert, willing his gold car to appear. Behind me a door creaked open.

“Come in, Caroline. It's like an oven out there,” Mom said. It
was
hot, but it had been hot ever since we'd moved to Tucson from Boston a year ago. I wanted to stay there and wait for Tony, but my thighs were already sticking to the step. I dragged myself up before I became a sweaty mess.

Mom and Dad sat in front of the TV with their scotches, Dad in his leather recliner, Mom on the sofa, smoothing her flowered dress. I stretched out next to Dicky, who was lying on the living room carpet, coloring. Spending summer nights with my parents bored me to death. I couldn't wait for my real night to begin.

We were going to the new Elvis movie,
Tickle Me
, and I was dying to see it. It didn't matter that Jess and Tony were only taking me to the drive-in because they had to. My parents actually believed I could prevent my sister and her boyfriend from making out. They didn't know that Tony was at least eighteen, and had dropped out of high school, and that I usually got out of the car to get candy and waited a while before coming back. Watching the movie from the snack bar was better than watching them kiss. I loved seeing the story unfold on the big white screen with cars in front of it, and the trees, moon, and stars behind it. It was magical when someone walked by and for a second became part of the picture. Sometimes I wished I could step out of my life and into a movie.

My parents didn't know any of this, and I'd never tell because everything that happened when I was with Jess and Tony was a secret. We even had secret names when we were with him; he called her Jezebel and me Twinkle Toes. Jess said if Tony gave you a secret name it meant he liked you. All I knew was that a glance from him could take my breath away.

I looked at my watch. Dicky bore down hard with his blue crayon. The ice clinked in Dad's glass. If Jess didn't hurry up, she was going to make us late for the movie. She made us late for everything. She didn't understand that events like sunset and darkness falling wouldn't wait for her to get her makeup right.

When she finally came downstairs her blonde hair was held back with a blue headband, and she wore pinstripe capris, a blouse knotted above her bellybutton, and white Keds. She stopped in the middle of the room and stared past us as if we weren't even there. Then she opened her big red purse and gazed into it as if contemplating the mysteries of the universe.

Dad looked up. “You're not going out like that.”

Jess glanced around as though he couldn't possibly be talking to her.

Mom said, “Untie your shirt, hon.”

“Geez.” She undid the knot. “Happy now?” She glared at Dad.

I sat up. “Want to go outside and wait for Tony?”

She snapped her purse shut. “You're not coming.”

“What? Why not?” I said.

She pushed her bracelets up and down her thin arm. “Something's come up.”

Dad leaned forward. “What do you mean your sister can't go?”

She lowered her voice and said to Mom, “I can't take Caroline tonight. You have to trust me. I just can't.”

“You always take her.” Mom eyed her sternly. “What's going on?”

Jess craned her neck and glanced out the window, trying to see through space and time, right into Tony's blue eyes, wherever he was.

“I don't even want to go anymore,” I said. Much as I hated the thought of being stuck at home, the last thing I needed was to be the reason Jess couldn't go out. I'd never hear the end of it.

“It doesn't matter what you want, Caroline,” Dad said. “Jess is taking you, and if she doesn't, she's not going.”

He gripped the arms of his recliner.

“You don't understand,” Jess said. “I
have
to go.” She set her lips in a firm line and looked through us with her cold green eyes. Then she headed for the front door.

Dad's face went from pink to red. I knew exactly what was going to happen next. I'd seen it a hundred times. Jess had a knack for pushing him and everyone else over the edge.

“Jack,” Mom said.

He lunged past her. When he reached for Jess, she screamed, “Don't touch me,” and shoved him away.

I held my breath.

Jess twisted the doorknob.

“If you step out that door,” Dad said, “don't bother to come back.”

“Mom,” Jess pleaded, “I have to go.”

“Just stay home with us,” Mom said in the tearful voice she used when nothing else worked. Jess almost never listened to her or Dad, but that night, much to my amazement, she let go of the doorknob, ran her fingers up and down the gold chain on her purse, and pounded up the stairs.

When she reached the landing she gripped the wrought iron railing, narrowed her eyes at Dad and yelled, “I hate this place, and I hate you for making us move here.” The bedroom door slammed. The color left his face. As usual, Jess had reached deep inside and found the worst possible thing to say.

We'd moved to Tucson because of Dad's great new job, but I knew the real reason was to give my sister a second chance after she'd gotten into so much trouble back east.

Dad started toward the stairs, muttering, “That ungrateful . . . .”

Mom put her hand on his shoulder. “Don't. She's not going to the movie. She's punished enough.”

He settled into his recliner as if he were doing the world an enormous favor, and took a swallow of his drink. Mom spread the skirt of her dress out into a pale, flowered fan. A strained smile formed on her face. As she pushed a blonde curl behind her ear, the doorbell rang.

She stood, but Dad motioned for her to sit back down. “Let me handle this,” he said.

I went over to the picture window that faced the street, and pulled aside the curtains. Tony's car was idling out front. In the hall Dad said, “Jess won't be going to the movies tonight.”

“Can I talk to her?” Tony's voice had an edge to it.

“Jess won't be talking to you tonight.”

I peered into the hall and saw Tony push through the door. He stood in front of Dad, a little too close.

“Hold on there, buddy. You stay outside,” Dad said.

“I want to hear it from her, Mr. Galvin.” He dug his hands into the pockets of his tight jeans. His blue shirt matched his eyes. I could see the polished, pointed toes of his Beatle boots with their thick Cuban heels. They were beautiful.

“What you want doesn't matter to me,” Dad said.

“Don't have a bird, old man.” He smiled at me as he backed slowly out the door and clicked it shut.

Dad reached for his drink. “That went well.” He took a sip and set his glass down on the table so hard a wave of scotch splashed out. “I thought Arizona would be a fresh start for Jess, but she hasn't changed a bit.”

Mom winced. “She didn't go out. She
is
better since we moved here.”

He shook his head. “I hope you're right.”

Some go-go dancers came on the TV. I liked watching them dancing in their fringed dresses and white boots, but Dad switched the channel to an old gangster movie. It figured. He absolutely loved movies, the older the better. After a few drinks, he'd go on about how he could have been a filmmaker if he hadn't had to get a real job as an accountant to support his family. Mom hung on his every word, because her lifelong dream had been to be a fashion designer for the stars. Jess wanted to be a movie star. That summer, everyone in my family wanted to be something other than what they were. I did, too. I just hadn't figured out what yet.

I turned back to the window. It was finally dark out. The coming attractions were probably already rising like giant ghosts from the desert, and I was stuck at home. Because of Jess.

When I walked into our room, Jess was putting on makeup at her vanity. She turned to me, her mouth a shade of red called Cherry Madness. I switched on my bedside lamp with its pink, pleated shade that matched our pink bedspreads and flowered wallpaper. Mom had gotten a bit carried away with the color scheme.

As I opened up a
Beatles
magazine, Jess licked the tip of her finger, rubbed a spot of eyeliner off her lid and said, “Do I look like I've been crying?”

She did, but I wasn't about to tell her.

Outside of Mom, Jess was the vainest person I knew. People were always saying she and Mom looked like twins, and I was never included, even when I was standing right next to them. They were both thin, with blonde hair, pretty faces, and pointed chins, but their eyes weren't the same. Jess's eyes were green while Mom's were blue, but more than the color was different. While Mom had a way of looking at me that made me feel guilty for something I hadn't done yet, Jess's gaze went right through me as if I didn't even exist. It wasn't just me. Teachers took an instant dislike to her. She'd complain about the unfairness of this, and how she didn't understand. But I understood. Jess had the power to make people scream before she'd even opened her mouth, and it got her into a lot of trouble.

“Really, what do you think?” Her lips were pressed together in a superior smile. Blonde bangs swept in a curve across her forehead, and there was a whisper of blush on her smooth cheeks. Except for her red eyes, she was perfect, and she knew it.

“You look fine.” I turned back to my magazine.

“Good,” she said, “because I'm going out.”

I drew myself up. “You're not going out. Dad said you couldn't.”

“What he says doesn't matter. You'll figure that out soon enough.”

“But he'll ground you for the rest of the summer if he finds out you went to the drive-in.”

She frowned. “You need to understand. I have to go out tonight. Things are going on. Things I can't talk about.” I nodded. Clearly something was going on because my sister hardly ever cried. Even when Dad completely lost it on her she would just yell back.

“Is this about Arnie?” She'd met Arnie a few weeks ago while we were on vacation in Los Angeles. When we got back, she and Tony had a huge fight about him.

She glared at me. “No.”

I folded my arms across my chest. “You can't just say ‘things are going on' if you aren't going to tell me more.”

“I'm sorry, but I really can't tell you.” She turned her gaze to the window, my moment of her attention gone.

I was fuming. I wasn't going to the drive-in because of her. She could at least tell me why. “Then I'm telling Dad you're sneaking out.”