Half In Love With Death (3 page)

“Caroline, wait up,” she said. “I can't believe Jess didn't tell you she was running away. I thought you'd be the first person she'd tell other than Tony.”

I stopped backing up. My heart was beating so hard I worried I was going to have a brain aneurysm and drop dead on the spot like one of my uncles had. “Did Tony go with her?”

“No, and he's pissed.” She folded her arms across her chest. “She's going to see some guy named Arnie.”

“Is he driving her?”

Debbie shook her head. “I don't think so.”

“Then who is?”

She shrugged. “Beats me.”

I stood there, letting the possibility that Jess was miles away sink in. This was why she'd insisted that I not tell anyone about her sneaking out. She needed time, lots of it, so she could get away from all of us.

“I doubt she'll get very far,” I finally said. “She's probably on her way home right now.”

“Sure she is,” Debbie said with a funny half smile. I stood there, unable to move, as she went on, “Gotta go, 'cause I'm going out with Tony tonight.” She eyed me just to make sure I'd heard that last part and then left, her hips swaying as she walked across the green lawn through sun and shadow. I watched as she gave me one last backward glance. She didn't wave or anything. All she did was stare. Trash, I thought.

• • •

I went up to my room to figure out what to do. I had to tell Mom that Jess was on her way to California, but if I told her she'd know I'd lied, and I never lied. Maybe Jess would get bored like she always did, and make the guy turn around and drive her home. She could still walk in at any minute. Or maybe she really was going to see Arnie, or couldn't wait to start her movie career.

When we went to California to visit my aunt Lila, my parents shamelessly encouraged Jess's Hollywood dreams, probably because they hadn't realized their own. They made sure she saw everything—Madam Tussauds wax museum, Sunset Boulevard, Grauman's Chinese Theatre, and Schwab's Pharmacy where Lana Turner supposedly was discovered. Jess was obsessed with Lana Turner. She was under the delusion that they looked alike. Beverly Hills was my favorite. I loved the mansions with red-purple bougainvillea dripping over their high white walls, and the hint of movie stars in the air.

I pulled out the blue glass stopper from the bottle of Shalimar on her bureau and sniffed. It had a thick, sweet smell, like velvet flowers. I repeated to myself, “She's on her way to California.”

Slanting sunlight made every detail in the kitchen stand out—the ceramic rooster hanging on the wall with its creamy wings and blood-red comb, the shiny teapot on the stove, the wallpaper printed with clocks with vines slithering around them. Mom and Dicky were back from shopping and he was having an early dinner.

She pointed toward a bolt of yellow cloth on the counter and asked if I liked it. As I nodded, I had the weird sensation that something big and wide was watching through my eyes. It wasn't me, but was me at the same time. God? It didn't feel like God. It was more as if I was spying on this world that I used to be part of, but was part of no longer.

Mom smiled. “Jess will be happy to know we're having her favorite, tuna casserole.”

Without meeting her gaze I said, “She's not home.”

“She sure doesn't like to spend much time with us,” she said.

Dicky plucked a pea from his plate. “I saw her hiding in the tree last night.”

Nervousness crept through me, like wind rippling water. He must have seen her climb out the window. I turned to him slowly. “No, you didn't.”

“What's he talking about?” Mom fiddled with her gold watch.

I shrugged. “You know how Dicky makes stuff up.” It felt like the room was getting smaller and smaller. Soon the walls would close in on me.

Mom's expression softened. “Would you like an early dinner, too?” Before I could answer, she went on, “You don't have to wait. Dad's always late from golf, and Jess, well you know how she is. I wouldn't wait for your dad if I didn't have to. I get so hungry, but he'd have a fit if I ate before him. He does like his little rituals, and supper is one of them.” Her words were like pebbles pelting me. I couldn't take it any longer.

“Mom,” I said.

“What?” Her oblivious look made me feel sick.

“Jess isn't coming home. She's on her way to California.” An inappropriate smile crept across my face the way it did when I was nervous.

Mom dropped the serving spoon she was holding. “Is this a joke, because if it is . . . .”

“I'm not joking. Debbie Frank told me.”

“Debbie Frank. Why were you talking to her?”

“She came over when I was out by the pool. She said Jess is going to see Arnie.”

“Arnie?”

“You know, the boy she met while we were on vacation.” I felt less alarmed as I spoke. Jess was having a second vacation while I was stuck here. It was so typical.

Mom shook her head. “This doesn't make any sense. Jess slept late, and then she went out. She didn't go to California.”

I got a sour metal taste at the back of my throat. “Jess didn't sleep late. She snuck out last night and didn't come home. She probably left for California hours ago.”

For a moment Mom didn't move. “And you waited until now to tell me?” She was almost shrieking. “You lied to us?” Now she was definitely shrieking.

I wanted to shrink down to nothing. “She told me not to tell.”

A spider with delicate, horrible legs ascended a thread dangling from the kitchen light.

“Caroline, you know that by waiting all this time to tell me, you may have put your sister in danger.”

“I was afraid she'd be mad if I didn't cover for her.” I struggled to avoid her guilt-inducing eyes as I went on, “I thought she was going to do the same stupid thing she always does, that she would stay out late and then lie to you about it, and you would believe her like you always do. I didn't know she was going to California.”

“Is Tony driving her?” Mom's voice trembled.

“No, some other guy. Debbie didn't know him.”

“Oh God, Jess is driving across the desert with some stranger.”

I tugged on a hangnail with my teeth. The idea of Jess being in the desert hadn't occurred to me. Mom crumpled Dicky's napkin while he watched, his eyes wide. “She can't have gotten very far. We have to find her before it's too late. I'm going to call Debbie right now. Hand me the phone.” When I didn't immediately jump, she said, “Now!”

She held the receiver to her ear for what felt like forever. “Why can't those damn people answer? What's wrong with them?” She jammed it back into its place on the wall. “Where the hell is your dad? He should be done with golf by now. He's probably at a bar, getting soused while Jess is God knows where.”

Dicky yelled, “There's a mushroom in my mouth.” He spit it out into his napkin and started crying. He'd hated mushrooms ever since Dad had told him about the poisonous ones.

He was working himself into a frenzy when Mom said, “Stop it,” and for once Dicky actually stopped. The room fell silent.

Mom stared at the phone. “What are we going to do?”

We? I couldn't believe she'd said that. She was the mom. She was supposed to have the answers. I patted her on the shoulder and said, “Don't worry, she'll come home soon. I bet she'll walk in the door any minute.”

She didn't seem to have heard me. “I should call the police, but I hate to do that without your dad here.” She turned to me. “Do you think I should call them?”

I took a deep breath. “Yes, I think you should call them.”

• • •

Dad came home about fifteen minutes later, and a policeman showed up right after him. While they all talked in the kitchen, I sat in the living room with Dicky, chewing on my hangnail until it bled. I overheard Dad saying something about Jess being with Tony. Then Mom began crying and saying what a good girl Jess was. I worried that she'd tell them I'd lied about Jess. If the police found out they might arrest me. One of Jess's friends got arrested just for talking back to her mother. I looked out the window, still hoping to see Jess come walking up through the blue shadows, but the street was dark and quiet.

“Caroline,” Mom called out. “Please come in here.” My heart almost stopped.

• • •

She pulled out a chair and I sat down. “Officer Barnes wants to talk to you.”

The policeman stared at me from the opposite side of the kitchen table. His light blue eyes reminded me of those husky dogs that live in the Arctic. I sucked on my hangnail, cold and sick at the thought of how much trouble I could be in for not telling on my sister.

“Your mother already told me what Debbie said, but I'd like to hear it from you,” he said.

Dad frowned. “Just tell the truth.” I hated the way he said that. Mom must have already told him everything. There was a tickle-feather feeling in my throat. I opened my mouth but no words came out.

Mom handed me a glass of water, her polished pink nails curved around it. I gulped some down, and in a voice barely above a whisper I told him how Debbie had said that Jess had gone to California with some stranger, and that she was going to see a boy named Arnie. I explained that she'd met Arnie in a souvenir shop in Venice Beach, and they'd gone out a few times, but I didn't even know his last name.

As I spoke, Officer Barnes smiled and jotted things down in a little notebook. He didn't seem as scary anymore, just a guy with strange eyes who really wanted to listen to me, maybe more than anyone else ever had.

When I was done he turned to Mom. “Mrs. Galvin, do you know how to get in touch with Arnie?”

“When we were visiting my sister, there was a sweet boy Jess liked, but I didn't catch his name.” She glanced helplessly at Dad, unwilling to admit that they'd been too busy getting hammered by the pool with my aunt and uncle to notice anything.

Officer Barnes smiled. “She's probably at a friend's house, afraid you're mad at her for not coming home, but just in case, give your sister a call and let her know Jess might be on her way there, and see if she knows how to reach Arnie.” He paused. “Lots of kids in Tucson are running away. Hardly a day goes by when we don't get a call from frantic parents. It's happening all over the country.” My parents stared at him in shock as he went on, “It would be helpful if someone had heard her say anything about where she was going, or seen if she took a bag with her. For a trip to California, she would have packed some things.”

He glanced my way. Any minute I thought I might forget how to breathe, as in the most casual voice, he added, “One other thing. Your mom said Jess snuck out last night but that you didn't tell her until dinnertime.” I froze. This was it. My parents had given me up and now I was going to be arrested. “Is there a reason you didn't tell her?”

I looked from Mom to Dad. My pounding heart was all I could feel. Those pale blue eyes with the black dots for pupils were all I could see. My voice shook. “She said she would kill me if I told.”

“Does she say things like that to you a lot?” He gazed at me sympathetically.

I smiled, nervous and relieved at the same time. This man who I didn't even know understood what a pain Jess was. “She does.”

“Is there anything else you want to tell me?”

I nodded. “She had a fight with Dad because he wouldn't let her go to the drive-in. She fights with my parents all the time. She never does what they tell her. But last night was different. She was really upset. She said she had to go out, but she wouldn't tell me why.” I wiped my sweaty hands on my thighs.

“Right before she left she started to ask me something, but then she stopped. Now maybe I'll never find out what it was.” Tears crept into my throat. “I'm really sorry I lied about her, and I wish I knew more. All I know is she climbed out the window and she didn't take a bag with her. The only thing she took with her was a red pocketbook.” I paused. “There might have been a bottle of Dad's liquor in it.”

Mom looked at me in horror.

He patted my hand and thanked me for helping out. Then Mom gave him a photo of Jess and he said he'd cruise around the places where kids hung out to look for her. Dad said he'd drive around too and talk to Tony, but Officer Barnes asked him to wait until he'd had a chance to talk to Tony first.

“Don't want to spook the kid,” he said with a funny smile.

Dad grumbled, “Okay.”

• • •

When Office Barnes was gone, I watched Dad drive away down the street. What did he think he was going to find? He had no idea where Jess hung out. He should have asked me. I knew where she hung out, even though she hardly ever took me with her. I knew about the guesthouse behind Tony's parents' house where he lived on his own. And about the parties Tony and his friends had in this place in the desert they called “the drinking spot.” I knew about Speedway Boulevard where kids cruised up and down in their cool cars. I'd seen it from out of Tony's rear window. I knew about the Hi-Ho Club where Tony took Jess sometimes. I'd never been in it but I'd imagined myself there, imagined the colored lights, the sparkling dresses, the love swirling all around. I knew about Johnie's, where we went sometimes to get burgers and shakes. And of course I knew about the Cactus Drive-In, where I hadn't gotten to go the night before. On any summer night half the kids in Tucson could be found at these places, and I was pretty sure Dad didn't know about any of them.

While Dicky ran in and out of the sprinkler, I painted my toenails purple. Each tiny brushstroke left a violet jewel-drop. I needed something to be happy about, even if it was just my toes. It had been a week and Jess was still missing. Dad hadn't found her, and neither had the police. My parents were going to do a television interview to get the word out about her. I thought if Jess saw me on TV she might change her mind about running away, and begged them to let me come with them, but they said no. They were on their way to the studio now. As always, I was left behind.