Half In Love With Death (16 page)

“Good, 'cause I have more to say.” I went over and pushed the window up. It felt stuffy in my room. “Caroline?”

“Yes.” I stretched the cord as far as it would go, leaned my head out, and looked down below. For some reason I expected to see his car, but it wasn't there. The dusty gray-green leaves of the mesquite tree were like almond-shaped eyes watching me.

“Remember how I said we'd figure out when to go to California?”

“Yes.” Billy stepped outside and dragged a trashcan to the edge of his yard.

“Well, we need to go now.”

Now? Billy waved to me, then pulled both his eyes down with his fingers and made a goofy face. He was like a small clay figure standing down there, a perfect imitation of Billy. I said, “But I can't just leave after all my parents have been through this summer.”

“I'm going to ask you something,” he said. “What would make your parents' lives worse—you leaving for a few days and coming back with Jess, or you not leaving and maybe never seeing your sister again? Think about it.”

It would only be for a few days. The thought of being in a car alone with Tony thrilled me, but at the same time it made my breath come too fast, the way it often did before I panicked. “Are you really sure she's there?”

“Yes.” He sounded almost angry.

“I don't know,” I said. “This is all so sudden.” I had to go if it meant finding my sister, but Edie's words still haunted me.

“Caroline, is something wrong?” he said.

I thought of asking him about Edie, but decided to keep it to myself a while longer.

“Look, I've had doubts too,” he said. “I was worried Brian was lying to me, but he just sent me a photo of Jess from Redondo Beach.”

My fears eased. “Can I see it?”

“Come out with me tonight. I'll show it to you then.”

I unwound the cord from my wrist. “I don't think my parents will let me go out. It's a school night.”

He sighed. “You always have an excuse. I guess you're afraid to live your own life. Jess wasn't like that. Just make something up for your parents. It's not that hard.”

I hated that he thought of me this way.

He went on, “She needs you to be brave.”

He was right. “Okay,” I said.

“I'll pick you up at eight around the corner, where I always drop you off. We'll get something to eat, and we'll figure out how to get Jess home.”

“See you then.” I bounced up and down on my heels, finally allowing myself to feel excited. The lies were falling away and one thing was becoming clear. I was very close to finding my sister.

“And Caroline . . . .”

“What?”

“You never told me if you liked my poem.”

I hesitated. “I liked it. I could really feel the sad darkness in it.”

“I knew you'd like it. See you tonight.” He paused. “And bring that white shoe. I'll bring the other one. We'll go dancing, just the way Jess wanted to.” There was a touch of sorrow in his voice.

After putting the phone down carefully in the cradle where it fit so neatly, I ran back to the window. Though I knew I couldn't tell anyone about the photo, I was so excited I wanted to tell everyone. I looked down below again. Billy was gone.

I was turning around when the Beckhams' sleek white car pulled up out front. Mom ran out and got in. I held my breath as she leaned her head toward Ron's. They sat side by side, like two silhouettes on a greeting card. I folded my arms across my chest in disgust. The worst thing was the smile on her face as she'd gotten in the car, as if she was happy to be driving away.

I opened up my history book, but after talking to Tony, it was boring and irrelevant. There was no point to learning about the past. There was only now. It was amazing that Tony was so handsome and also so wise. Jess had never mentioned this about him. Maybe he'd only shared these thoughts with me.

About ten minutes later I heard a car door slam shut and went back to the window. Mom was walking toward the house, carrying something wrapped in foil. She stopped and waved to Ron. He leaned his ugly tanned face out and smiled at her before driving away.

• • •

Right before supper, I went downstairs to give Mom my excuse. She was at the sink, peeling potatoes. She turned around. “You look happy.”

I sat down. “Just taking a homework break.” I lifted the foil from the package on the table.

“Don't touch that. That's one of Betty's spice cakes. We're having it for dessert.”

I pressed the foil back down. “It was nice of Ron to deliver it.”

She wiped her hands on her skirt. “He was in the neighborhood.”

I stared at her. “If he was just bringing the cake, why did you go for a ride with him?”

“Caroline, were you spying on me?”

“Looking out the window isn't spying.”

She sighed. “Ron and I drove around so he could talk to me in private about some things.”

“Things about Jess?” I tore off a tiny piece of foil and rolled it into a ball.

She turned to me, her hands on her hips. “No. Things about you.”

I smoothed the foil on my palm, imagining it was a silver leaf. “What things?”

She sat down at the table, and turned my face gently to her. “May told Ron that you were getting involved with the wrong crowd, Tony's crowd. She said you were doing it so you could find Jess.”

“It isn't true.” I frowned. What made May think she could meddle in my life like this?

“It's not your responsibility to find your sister.” She picked up a spoon from the table, rubbed something off it with her finger.

“I'm not trying to find her,” I said.

She touched my arm. I could smell her almond-vanilla hand lotion. “I don't know why May would lie.”

I pulled away. “Maybe because I told her that you and Ron are in love.”

She pushed her chair back. “What is wrong with you, Caroline?”

“Nothing.” I stood up.

“Do you have any idea how you're making me feel?” She stared at me accusingly.

I shook my head. “No, I have no idea.”

Her mouth tightened. With each passing second I felt further away from her, and I didn't care. All I wanted was to leave, but I still had to ask her about going out tonight. “Mom?” She looked up. “I'm sorry I said that.”

Her expression softened. “Caroline, Ron is my friend. He's helping me get through all of this. Your dad and I, sometimes we're too upset to help each other.” She pushed her hands through her hair. “There are a lot of things you don't understand. You can't just jump to conclusions. People will get hurt.” She looked away.

I waited a moment then said, “I need to go over Billy's to work on a math project tonight, okay?”

She put the cake on the counter under a glass dome. “After what May said, I don't know.”

“Mom, I'm going to fail math if I don't. And Billy's
my
friend.”

She studied me. “All right, but I swear to God, Caroline Galvin, if I catch you having anything to do with Tony, I will ground you for the rest of your life. I'll send you away if I have to. I couldn't handle it if anything happened to you. I just couldn't.”

I told myself to count to ten and swallowed hard. “I will never speak to Tony again.” I stared at the clock. Thank God I'd be out of here in a couple of hours.

“Good.” She brushed some crumbs off the counter with a sponge.

As I was opening the door into the hall, she looked up at me. Though I knew it was impossible, I couldn't shake the sense that she saw my secrets. I smiled nervously. Not that long ago, I might have told her all of them, but now I couldn't tell her anything.

• • •

So as not to raise suspicions, I didn't dress up to meet Tony. I only did small things that Mom wouldn't notice, like putting on extra deodorant and painting my nails lavender. I put on blush, but no lipstick. Mom definitely would have noticed that.

As I stood in the hall waiting to leave, all my sweet memories of kissing Tony were jammed up inside me, and much as I wanted to relive them, I couldn't feel a thing. My mouth was dry and tasted bad. I hoped Tony wouldn't hate my breath. Every part of me was on edge. Mom and Dad were still in the kitchen, drinking and arguing as they often did after supper now.

I was about to casually lean in and tell them I was on my way to Billy's when I heard Mom say, “Maybe we should send her to private school.” I shuddered.

“Do we really have to do that?” Dad said.

“I will not sit back and lose another one of my daughters,” Mom said.

“Frances, stop being so melodramatic.”

“Jack, Ron said she's hanging out with Tony.”

Dad said, “I suppose private school is Ron's idea, too. Do we have to do everything he says?”

I flattened myself against the wall. A cupboard door slammed. I bit my lip so hard I tasted blood. I'd run away before I let them send me to private school.

As I tiptoed down the hall, I heard Mom say, “Of course, after what happened with Jess back east, maybe it's not a good idea to send Caroline away to school.”

“Caroline is not Jess,” Dad said. “If you listened to her half as much as you listened to Ron, you'd know that.”

I couldn't take this anymore, and went out to sit on the front step. I'd been jealous when my parents had sent Jess to that private school, but now it made me cringe to hear Mom say she was thinking of doing the same thing with me, as if I were broken, too, and needed to be fixed. Mom and Dad had been so optimistic about sending Jess there. They'd gone on and on about how great it would be for her, how impressive its drama program was. As usual, they got way ahead of themselves and were already imagining Jess on Broadway or in Hollywood before she'd even started. But she didn't get a part in any of the school plays, and ended up hanging lights. On opening night she and some boy stole whiskey from a liquor store, and he got arrested. They both were expelled. She'd lasted only three months. Of course, my parents smoothed everything over so she didn't have to go to court or anything. They didn't even punish her, unless you consider moving across the country a punishment. But that didn't work, either. This past year she'd gotten in trouble for stealing things from girls at school—a sweater, a gold watch. My parents didn't understand what they could be doing wrong.

I used to blame my sister for everything, but now I wondered if only Mom hadn't encouraged her foolish dreams she might have lasted longer at that school, if only my parents had punished her even once she might have changed her ways, if only she'd been more patient she might not have taken off for California. And if only she'd come back, she wouldn't always be an unfinished person in my mind. When I returned with her, things would be different. Maybe she would even be different. Maybe she'd be a person you could talk about without saying “if only.”

“Oh, there you are.” I almost jumped as Dad stepped out. “We were looking for you.”

“I was about to go to Billy's to study.”

The smoke from his cigarette uncoiled in the air. “Need a ride?” he said.

I glared at him. “Dad, he lives across the street.”

He sat down on the step next to me. “Mind if I sit with you?”

I sighed. “I've got to go.”

He staggered to his feet. “Sorry, kitten. I completely understand. Enjoy studying.” In spite of his efforts to seem dignified, he stumbled as he headed back inside, and let the screen door bang behind him. I waited a second, then bolted down the street. When I got to the place around the corner where Tony and I always met, I was out of breath. I became more and more anxious with each passing second, but when his car slowed to a stop in front of me, my nervousness melted away.

He leaned out, his white shirt untucked, a gold cross hanging around his neck. I could smell his musky cologne.

“You look beautiful,” he said as I got inside. He smiled and kissed me as if this was something we did every day. He even touched my tongue with his, but I didn't mind. Everything about him seemed bigger, as if before I'd only seen him in a small photograph. It was hard not to stare.

He brushed the hair from my forehead and said, “I love you as a blonde. It's like you're a new person.”

I smiled, wondering if I looked as pale and dreamy as I felt.

He started the car, and turned and looked me up and down. “You're almost perfect. Now all you need is her shoes.”

I put my hand to my mouth. “Oh my God. I completely forgot.”

He shook his head. “You're just as forgetful as your sister.”

“I'm sorry. I just have a lot on my mind. Mom found out I've been hanging out with you. She's been watching me a like a hawk, and she's so mad she wants to send me away to school.”

“Well, we can't let that happen.” He pulled out into the street. “I thought we'd get a burger on Speedway, but I guess no dancing tonight.”

“Guess not.” I hoped he wasn't too disappointed.

We raced down the highway, but when we got to Speedway he slowed down. There were so many signs and neon lights; it was like we were in a giant carnival. I took a tube of lipstick out of my purse, put some on and licked my lips. Tony was right. I was a new person. For the first time ever, I felt alive. As we cruised slowly he'd lean out the open window and sometimes talk to people in other cars, almost as if he wanted them to see I was with him. I felt proud.

When we got to Johnie's, he took my hand. His grip was strong, like everything else about him. As we threaded our way across the crowded parking lot, kids greeted him as if he were famous.

“I can't get any privacy,” he said when we sat at a booth inside.

I wasn't hungry, but I ordered a burger and fries. I wished I hadn't already eaten dinner. My burger was so big, I felt sick looking at it. All I could manage was about two bites.