Hand of Thorns (29 page)

I start to shake my head as the nurse becomes a monster, and the baby is suddenly lifted from my skin, being torn from my arms. "I'm sorry," she whispers. "Baby needs to eat."

She hands the precious baby over to Ellie, who holds her all the wrong ways. Except, I don't know if it's wrong, but I know it's not the way I would hold her. I want to beg for her back, even for a second, so I can tell her I love her. I didn't even say it out loud.

My heart physically aches in a way it's never known before. This isn't how it's supposed to feel. I wasn't supposed to get this connected, but how could I not?

Tears roll from my eyes, but I can't look away. I watch as Ellie gets to feed the baby a bottle. Her first feeding. I could have nursed her, I think to myself. I could do everything Ellie is doing, but better. Why does she get to keep the baby's heart, and I don't?

I wipe at the tears, but they fall so heavily there is no point. One of the nurses comes over to do vitals but I look away from her, ignoring everything she says. My heart is breaking, it's ripping apart, tearing to shreds in a way I'm not sure a single could ever describe using a thousand words- and now this nurse wants to shove a thermometer into my mouth. I want to scream at her that my body is perfectly fine, I'm not running a fever, I'm just... ready to die.

It's not an exaggeration either. I could close my eyes now and be okay with drifting to death, because it truly seems near impossible to walk away from the baby I just gave birth too. How could anyone?
Why
would anyone? Why do I have to?

They told me I'd be a wreck, they prepared me for a crazy set of emotions, but this... they didn't prepare me for this.

I look back over when they ask Leon if he wants to hold Vivienne. I almost forgot that was her name. I would have named her something beautiful, such as... Rose. Not Vivienne, which reminds me of an old lady. But it's not my choice, so I don't speak. I haven't spoken. Not to Penelope before she went to check on her baby, who Sumner is watching, or to the nurses when they asked me questions, or to Ellie when she thanked me- which of course surprised me tremendously. Except, I didn't even smile, I turned away, as I've done with everyone else.

But now I stare at Leon, who holds her with fear, but not in a bad way. As in he loves her so insanely much, he is worried he's going to drop her. In fact, he sits down in a chair while a nurse stands close, making sure he is doing everything he's supposed so, such as supporting her neck.

To see the man you love hold the newborn baby you love... it's... remarkable. I've fallen in love with Leon all over again, but in a different way. I close my eyes and envision him holding her in my head, storing it away for a memory down the road. Hopefully I can remember this feeling of intensity as well. I don't ever want to forget it. It mends the slightest piece of my heart.

Eventually everyone is asked to move out of the room, while they get me changed into something more comfortable. They help me walk, due to being excessively sore everywhere. I'm moved into a prenatal room, where I suspect Vivienne will be until we're discharged later on. Except, when I walk in, there is no one in my room. "Where is everyone?" I ask.

"Baby Delacroix-Owens is in the following suite, along with her parents. I will let your mother and friends know you're ready to see them if you'd like."

Her words hit me hard. I'm feeling a pain hit my chest similar to when Vivienne was pulled away from my arms. Shaking my head, I tell her, "No, I'd actually like to rest if I could please."

"Certainly. Let me get your vitals and I'll be on my way."

She does my vitals, gives me some Tylenol, then draws the curtains so it's dark in the room for me. Once she closes the door, I know without a doubt I won't be able to sleep. Hell, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to sleep normal again.

The following morning, I awake to a nurse coming into the room for vitals... once again. I didn't get much sleep, but thankfully I did get some. Even though I was still restless during those moments. I haven't felt any kind of peacefulness since Vivienne got taken from me.

She asks how my pain is on a scale of one to ten. I want to tell her my physical pain level is roughly a four, but my emotional pain is at least a twenty. I don't though, I keep our communication short lived.

The day drags on, but I reject all visitor requests, so maybe it's my own fault. I watch television, or at least I attempt to, but mainly I'm just staring at the screen. It's all useless. The nurse gets me to eat finally at lunch time, but all I ingest is a yogurt and a half slice of toast, with some water. She assures me each time she walks in that'll it'll be okay, she even went over Post-Partum Blues with me, but I know it's more than that. It's an unamendable broken fucking heart.

The door opens and I half expect a nurse, but it's not. In fact, it's the last person I expected to see- Leon's mom. She smiles at me. "How are you feeling?"

"Miserable," I admit.

"I can only imagine. I remember how I felt giving birth to Leon. I can't imagine having that ripped away from me. There is no preparing anyone for that kind of pain."

I nod, not saying anything as I pull at the blanket draped over me. "You know," she continues. "I know it's hard when you're this depressed, but they're not going to let you go if you don’t' start talking with people. They count on that before they start on the discharge papers."

"That's fine," I say sluggishly. "I have nowhere to go anyways, except a lonely home."

"That's not true." She reaches forward and holds my hand. It’s also unexpected, but it feels reassuring. "You have friends sitting in the waiting room, horribly scared for you. A mother who has been franticly in tears, asking all the nurses if you'll be okay and when she can come visit you. They're not going to leave you alone. And you know what, I'm not either. You carried my first and only grandchild in your womb for over nine months, gave birth to a healthy little girl I love tremendously, so there is no way in hell I'm going to have you feeling less than happy by the end of the week."

I peek over at her, wondering why she would be so kind to me. I remember Richard saying she liked me, but this much? She's willing to help me heal from something I'm not sure I can heal from. "Thank you."

"Oh, I should be thanking you. Now, why don't we let some of your friends and more importantly, your mother, come in to say hello."

I nod, accepting what I'm going to have to accept eventually- that I
do
have people that care for me, and that want to see me happy.

They all make their rounds with me, coming in one by one. I kind of laugh a bit, and I end up smiling off and on, feeling alright for a moment or two here and there. Nothing special, but better than I was. Then it all goes away when Sumner walks out the door to leave me here alone once more. The nurse comes in one more time, talking about discharging me after they do an evaluation, then says Ellie wants to come in and talk with me.

I don't really want her to, but I figure where I
did
just deliver her baby, that she'll want to thank me in a more proper way than she had in the delivery room yesterday.

She steps in, smiling peacefully. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm alright, thanks. How are you?"

"Oh, I'm doing terrific," she gushes. "What a healthy little girl. Did you hear the weight?"

"Yeah, eight pounds, five ounces, correct?" I know I'm correct, I have that shit memorized, but I play nice anyways.

She nods, grinning. "Yes. So awesome." Taking a seat aside me she peaks around the room. "It looks gloomy in here. I guess I wasn't expecting that. We've had tons of visitors, everyone wants to meet Vivienne and hold her. They all love her immensely. Marney said you denied seeing her again, is everything alright?"

For the first time, Ellie truly seems concerned for me. Maybe now that everything is over and done with, she doesn't feel the way she had towards me previously. Maybe she is thankful I gave life to her child. I don't know if any of those reasons, or all of them, are what makes her genuine with me finally, but I accept it as is, and I'm somewhat honest with her.

"I'm a bit depressed, but they say it's normal." I shrug, pretending I'm not quite as severe as I am. "But overall I'm fine, just exhausted. I thought it best to let you all be a family, and for me to step aside. No reason for me to be hogging Vivienne's attention."

I can't tell her the real reason is because I can't feel that pull of the heartstrings again. I can't hold her and love her the way I want to, only to have her pulled away once more. If I pick her up, I wouldn't put her down, I know it. I'd fight tooth and nail to keep her as mine. So I think my reasoning should please her well enough.

She stands up, giving me a sad smirk while she walks around the bed. "Well, thanks for that. I truly appreciate it. It'll be nice to have a happy, connected family. You know..." Suddenly her tone changes, and it's not so charming anymore. "Now that Leon has better things to spend his free time on."

"I... I don't think I know what you're insinuating."

Ellie places her hand directly against her hip, staring at me with disapproval. "Oh, come on. I have fucking known since the beginning. You think I'm that naive? Funny how your number shows up on the phone bill but not in his call history, and that he suddenly starts working late and comes home smelling like cheap perfume. He disappears at the doctor appointments he actually attends while you're in the bathroom, and you both have these little jokes that pop up and you act as though no one will catch on to the fact you'd had to have spent time together to know those sorts of things. Give it a fucking rest already. You want to know why he was fucking you, Monica? It was because you were pregnant with his kid. I understood, he felt drawn to you for that reason, and that reason alone. Who has her now? Me. You're done. You will not speak with him ever again."

As if getting my heart torn out yesterday wasn't bad enough, she's now adding fuel to the fire I never actually wanted to burn. "He loves me." I try to be defensive- but it's a pathetic, weak attempt, even I know that.

She roars with cold, hard laughter. "Yeah, that's why you've seen each other so much lately, huh? Pathetic. But let's get one thing squared away, 'kay? You even attempt to close in on anyone in my family, which includes myself, Vivienne, and Leon, and I'll press harassment charges on you. Fuck it, I'll tell them you started aggressively stalking me, because you're obsession to replace me has reached a sickening level, and you should be committed. Do you understand me?"

"No one would believe you."

"You want to try me? The staff has it written down you've been overly depressed. They've all been talking about you, saying you're fighting off nurses and not speaking with anyone. I have the upper hand, and I'll fucking destroy you. Stay away from my family."

With that, Ellie turns and walks away, sweetly saying hello to whomever is in the hallway. I stare at the door which she disappeared from, wondering what I can do with my life. I'm pretty sure it's damn well ruined now- and I certainly cannot hurt any more than this.

"Wow, you look great!" Polly Ann lies through her teeth when she sees me. Taking a seat across from her, she tilts her head, smiling sweetly. Almost as if she is somehow proud of me.

Me? I've been a vegetable the last couple weeks. "Wow. You wouldn't believe you just gave birth two weeks ago," she continues.

"It feels like it to me," I retort.

With a frown, she asks, "You still feeling groggy?"

"Groggy? No. I get plenty of sleep."

She makes sure to chart my attitude, nodding her head like she actually understands. Looking back up, she asks about my routine over the last two weeks. That's easy. Sleep, eat, and drink cocktails. What else is there to do when you want to forget you even exist? Hell, I probably wouldn't even eat if I didn't feel weak each time I go more than a five or six hours without. I have another two weeks off from school- since I didn't
keep
the baby, I don't get the full six weeks of maternity absents.

Polly Ann then asks about my feelings, my emotions, my thoughts. She asks if I feel suicidal, and the only reason I say no is because I don't want to get committed to an institution. Not that I actually want to kill myself, but the idea has certainly floated around in my head a few dozen times. I keep wondering why I even try to move on, then I remember the love I felt with Vivienne, and I realize that one day I could have that moment again, only this time with a happier ending. That, right there, is what keeps me going.

By the time we're done our hour session, she's gotten a bit more out of me than I had originally intended on, but I still keep mum about many things. I want to open up about my affair with Leon, the things Ellie said in the hospital, and many of the millions thoughts racing through my mind in a moment’s time... but I don't.

I can't.

I don’t have the strength for it.

Before leaving the building, I meet with Marney for a quick update as well. She has called me a few times, and I do my best to pretend all is well, but she can hear it in my voice or something because she highly suggested us to meet.

To my surprise, she goes over her first experience as a surrogate, and the feelings she had when handing over the infant. It tugs at my heartstrings knowing she felt so similar to the way I had. Sadly, I'm not even sure if it's more Vivienne or Leon at this rate, I miss them both tremendously, but I haven't even put his name into the search engine, scared of what Ellie may actually do to me if I get caught.

"Why don't we get you started on Zoloft? It's common for women who suffer with postpartum depression. Typically postpartum decreases significantly on its own after the first twenty four hours, and even more drastically in the first week. Since you’re still experiencing it this deeply, I think prescribing you Zoloft will help give you the push to get back on your feet, and start being the old Monica once more." She writes on a prescription pad quickly. "There will be enough for four refills, however, I highly suggest you come back monthly to speak with Polly Ann or myself."

"What if I don't want to be my old self?" I ask.

She thinks on it for a moment, looking at me inquisitively. "Why wouldn't you want to be? Do you enjoying being depressed?"

"Well... no. This sucks, but it's not something medicine is going to take away. I had my heart broken, and my old self didn't know that kind of love even existed. I don't want to go back to that, back to school work and occasional get togethers with friends."

Marney sighs with defeat. "Start on the Zoloft, and maybe you can start seeing things in a different light. It takes time to work through your mind and body, but by the time classes’ start back up for you, you should feel ten times better about everything."

Since she wouldn't understand anyways, I tell her thank you, bringing the prescription with me. It's worth the try.

I head outside to the taxi waiting, since my car crapped the bed. I could buy a new clunker sometime soon with the final check I received, but I haven't wanted to do anything. Just before I get to the cab, I hear my name being called. I don't have to turn to know whose voice it is. In fact, I don't want to turn around. I’ll end up in trouble if I do.

"Monica, please wait," he yells louder. His voice demandingly smooth.

So I do. I still don't say anything though, nor do I turn to him.

His hand touches my shoulder, stilling both my body and my heart. "You look..." He starts to say when he's in front of me, but his expression says it all. I look like hell.

"Yeah," I mutter. "I know. I need to go."

"I had to ask Marney when your next appointment was. I was hoping I'd catch you before you left. I'll drive you home. You don't need to take a taxi."

"I already prepared for it."

"So I'll pay you back."

“Leon." I raise my voice, standing firm on the fact I don't want this right now. "I'm getting in the taxi, I'm going home, and you're going to leave me alone."

He pinches his brows, as if he's actually confused. "You said you'd wait for me, you'd let me explain when I could."

"I also told you I wasn't playing any games. In fact, it isn't a game when I'm threatened with stalking charges and to be put into a facility. You need to leave me alone, it... it hurts too much to see you." I walk around him, and the whole walk to the taxi, the inside of my head proves me to be a little crazy, while I debate back and forth. I want him to fight for me, but I want him to let me go. It's going to aggravate the hell out of me if he asks me to stop, but it's going to hurt tremendously if he lets me go. See, he should have stayed away.

As I open the door, he leans against it, making it impossible for me to get in. "What are you doing?" I drone. My heart sounds pounding, and my head swarms even more

"Who fuckin threatened you? Eleanor?"

Rolling my eyes gives him the answer he needs.

"That fucking bitch," he seethes.

"She was protecting her family," I chime in. "I'd probably have done the same. She knew what we were doing from early on. She was hurt."

Leon laughs coldly. "You're sticking up for her?"

"I'm sticking up for
me.
Go home to your family Leon, or... I don't know. Find some other weak whore to fulfil your satisfaction." I try pulling on the handle of the cab but he pushes further against it, closing the door.

The cab driver rolls down the front window. "I have places to be, let's get in, or I need to go."

"You can leave, I'll bring her home."

"No, Leon," I argue, but the cab is already rolling away. Leon holds me away from the curb so I don't get hit. I shove at his arm. "Stop doing this. You don't have control over me. Who do you think you are?"

"You're not a fucking whore, and you're not weak. Don't ever say that about yourself again!"

"Yeah? I knowingly was fucking someone in a relationship about to have a baby, and pathetic me fell in love with him." I turn on my heels, heading in the opposite direction. He should have let me go. I don't want this conversation
again
. It's getting old... fast.

"She threatened me too. Except... she threatened to go after my brother." I stop to listen, curious about what happened, but I don't turn around. He continues. "My brother has AIDs." His voice is quiet as he gets close to me, probably not wanting the individuals around us to hear. "When he found out, he told the family together, and Eleanor ended up being there. He said he wasn't going to tell anyone else until after he finished this racing season. He didn’t want to end it early for doctor visits, and it was his choice to make. She told me when we got home that I needed to pretend all was well between us. She set up the engagement, she made sure I didn't speak to you or go to doctor appointments, and I'm pretty damn certain she got someone to follow me and you around. I couldn't risk it for my brother, Monica, and I'm so damn sorry for that."

I face Leon, watching as his eyes start to fill with tears. This is the first time I've seen him this way, and my heart actually starts to ache for him, rather than because of him. "So why now? What changed?"

"My brother got too weak too fast, so he had to come forward with what was going on to start the correct treatment. It was that or his life. I told him about everything when he was in the hospital this past week, and he told me to do what I needed to do to get you back. He wants us together as much as I want us together. Monica, please... please just try."

It's hard for me to justify walking away after he tells me something like that. My main thing is... is I'm not going to be the mistress any longer. If Leon loves me, he needs to be with me, and no one else. No more lying or sneaking around, no more pretending. "I... I don't know." I should tell him what I'm thinking, but the words don't come out of my mouth.

"Would it help change your mind if I told you I moved out?"

"You moved out? When?"

"Last week. The day after I visited my brother down in Arizona, where he is."

"So why did you wait so long to come speak with me?"

He slides his fingers through his mused hair, lifting his face into a smirk. I love when he does that, but he isn't supposed be doing it right now, he isn't supposed to distract me from my thoughts any more than he has. "I knew you wouldn't let me into your house, and this wasn't something I wanted to do over the phone. I wanted to see you, Monica, and now I want to take you home with me."

"What about... Vivienne?" It hurts to even ask.

Leon steps in, cupping my face in his hands- and I let him. His thumbs run soothingly against my skin. "She's perfect. Two weeks old today, thanks to you. I already filed for joint custody. I'm not with Ellie, and she's putting up a fight, but in the end I know it'll all be okay, so long as you're by my side."

I'm at a loss for words. I can't argue him. I can't fight it any longer. Chewing on my lip nervously, I ask him one last question. "So what are you waiting for?"

"What do you mean?" He asks, his voice sounding as weak as I feel.

"Kiss me."