Something passed over Ollie’s face then, and I couldn’t understand it. All I knew was that I’d hurt him. But then he gave a strange smile and handed me the scouring pad.
“Right. I’ll leave it, then, shall I? Wouldn’t want anyone to mistake me for a
houseboy
.” His voice was bright—too bright—and he wouldn’t meet my eyes.
“I’ve got things to do, anyway. I’ll be back later.”
“What time should I expect you?”
“Dunno. Might be tomorrow, actually. Things to do. People to see.”
“Don’t be like that. Come on, Ollie, talk to me.”
“Nothing to say right now.” Ollie pushed past me and headed to the front door.
I followed, a ringing in my ears sounding a warning signal. What had I said?
I replayed my words and groaned.
Ollie had his skateboard in his hand and was pushing open the front door.
“I’m sorry I called you a houseboy twink. I didn’t mean it.”
But Ollie just shook his head and turned tear-filled eyes in my direction. “I just want some time on my own, okay?” Before I could respond, he was running down the driveway.
“Come back!” I yelled after him. I stumbled after him, collapsing against the dividing wall as Ollie wove his way down the road on that bloody board.
“Shit!” I pounded my fist on the wall, but it didn’t improve my mood. The gnome Mrs. F. had placed on the end post grinned at me with a moronic, painted-on smile. I dashed the smug little bastard off there and watched him smash to pieces on the edge of a potted plant.
I still didn’t feel any better.
Why couldn’t I just accept a good thing when it dropped into my lap? I cursed my stupid pride for not letting him carry on cleaning the damn shower.
110
Would it have hurt me to accept his help graciously, instead of flinging it back in his face?
I spent the next forty minutes staring at my mobile but not daring to dial. I’d already screwed things up, and I didn’t want to risk saying something else that would cause Ollie pain. And more to the point, I didn’t know if he’d want to talk to me.
I was still staring at the display of his number when I heard the rapping on the door. My heart sank. I knew that knock, and I knew I had some explaining to do.
“Mrs. Felpersham. I’m sorry about your gnome.”
Mrs. F. peered up at me, but she wasn’t on the warpath like I’d expected. No, she seemed far more subdued than I’d seen her before. Worried, perhaps, her face pale and drawn.
“That’s not important. You can buy me a new one. Now, Ben, what’s going on between you and that young man?”
I really didn’t want to bear the brunt of her homophobia again. “I know you don’t like him, but you’ll have to get used to him. He’s my boyfriend.”
She pierced me with a sharp gaze. “Whatever makes you think I don’t like him?”
“You lost him his job!”
“What are you talking about?” Mrs. F. genuinely looked puzzled, and my previous certainty about the identity of the mysterious busybody who’d grassed up Ollie started to crumble.
“Someone reported him to his boss for fraternising with the customers. I thought it must have been you. And you didn’t pass on that message when I was in hospital.”
Mrs. F. stared at me for a long minute, and I wanted to hide. Finally, she spoke. “I’m going to ignore that first remark and suggest you get your facts straight.” I coloured, remembering using those exact words to her when she accused Ollie of messing up her gnome delivery. “I apologise for not being here to pass on the note, but I was called to visit my sister who’d been very sick. It certainly wasn’t deliberate.”
“Oh, I, er… Sorry. Is she okay?”
Mrs. F. sniffed and looked away. That was the moment when I noticed she was dressed entirely in black. Somehow I didn’t think she’d suddenly decided to become a goth.
“Oh shit. I mean, Christ, I’m sorry. That’s rough.”
“It happens to us all in the end, though, doesn’t it? The only certainties in life are death and taxes.” Mrs. F. gave a wry laugh. “She told me something on her deathbed, though. She said her only regret was not encouraging her stubborn idiot of a sister to run after the man she loved.”
“Her sister? Oh, right.” I studied Mrs. F., and for the first time, I saw not an interfering, old battle-axe but a lonely spinster, pining for the love she had lost. I realised I was staring when Mrs. F. fixed me with her shrewd gaze.
“Ben, he might be young and look like a reprobate, but he’s a good lad.
Always smiling, always waves hello to me. If you love him, go after him. Life’s too short to waste it being angry.”
I wondered how much of our doorstep argument she’d seen and heard. But I wasn’t going to waste time being embarrassed. She was right. I’d been a tosser, and I needed to put things right.
“Thanks, Mrs. F.” I swept her up in a hug and kissed her lavishly on the cheek.
“Well, I never!” she exclaimed as I set her back down again. She patted her hair as if I’d messed it up, but I didn’t miss the smile that twitched at her lips.
I grabbed my mobile from the kitchen table and dialled. There was no point trying to find him if he didn’t want to be found. When he picked up on the third ring, my breath shuddered out of me.
“Ollie, I’m sorry I screwed up.”
“It’s okay.” Ollie sniffed as if he’d been crying, but his voice was level. “I was being a right drama queen, wasn’t I? Surprised you’re not sick of me already.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. I just… I overreacted. I shouldn’t have been so bloody touchy.”
“Nah, don’t worry about it. It was me, not you.”
“Could I come and see you? Talk about it in person? I don’t want you being upset on your own.”
“It’s cool, Ben. I’m having a cup of tea with Meera, and I’ve got a shift at the café this evening. Don’t blow it out of proportion, yeah? I’m fine.”
As he sounded more upbeat and positive than when he’d answered, I decided to take the opt out he’d offered. “Will I see you in the morning, then?”
“Try keeping me away,” he teased. “I’ll miss you tonight.”
“Yeah, me too.”
“Laters.”
When I hung up, the relief poured through me like soothing balm. It was scary, needing him this badly. Scary when it appeared I could fuck it up just by opening my mouth.
114
The next day, Ollie arrived on my doorstep with a smile and a kiss, and it was easy to gloss over the previous day by ignoring it and getting down to business. My version of business for the morning being Ollie’s dick having an appointment in my mouth. I ambushed him before he’d had a chance to put his bag down and pushed him against the hallway wall.
“Mornin’, Ben. Good to see you too.” Ollie’s chuckle did funny things to my insides. I claimed his mouth with my own before I could say anything stupid. I wasn’t going to scare him off with my howling pit of need.
I fumbled his trousers open, sank to my knees and swallowed him down like he was all my forbidden foods wrapped up in one meaty package. Ollie tasted so fucking sweet I wanted to devour him. I slid my fingers back towards his hole, wondering what he’d taste like there. I’d have to try that soon, somewhere more comfy. The idea sent a hot pulse of blood to my dick. My knees groaned on the hard floor, but I couldn’t deny the fact that my dick had finally woken up and taken a proper interest in proceedings. I tried my best to ignore it and concentrated on working Ollie’s hole with my fingers as I mouthed the end of his cock. I fluttered my fingertips just inside him, and he made a strangled noise. I could feel his muscles working to pull me in, could sense his dilemma as he had to choose whether to push farther into my mouth or back onto my fingers.
He thrust back, his hot heat enveloping me. God, it was going to feel so good to sink my cock into him and fuck him properly. I swept over his gland and swallowed him down, loving the way he attempted to grab hold of my cropped hair as he came. It took my mind off the party in my pants, and I could fool myself that I wasn’t really all that excited. That it was just a pale imitation of Ollie’s pleasure.
But I hadn’t fooled Ollie.
“Are you going to let me do something about that now?” he asked, a whine creeping into his voice. “Please, Ben. Let me take care of you. It should be fine now the stitches are out, shouldn’t it?”
I’d been using them as an excuse, I realised, but I wasn’t about to admit to having performance anxiety, and I still had the doctor to back me up. “You know I’m supposed to wait another fortnight. Come on, Ollie, give me a break. I don’t want to mess this all up just because I’m feeling horny.”
He pouted. “Don’t see how a hand job could do any harm. It’s not like you’d have to move much. No more than you have been every day now you’re exercising again. Makes me think you just don’t want me to.”
“You know that’s rubbish. Just… God, just give me another couple of weeks, okay?”
I kissed him to prevent him replying, and when we parted he headed to the kitchen table without a word.
In the hallway that night, on his way out, he gave me another drawing. In it I was lying back on a bed, and he was kneeling between my legs, sucking me off, his arse thrust high in brazen invitation, his hole gaping. I groaned.
“You like it?” Ollie asked, his cheeks dimpling in mischief.
“I… Of course I like it! I just—”
“Let me, Ben. Please? I need to do something for you.” His hand snaked down to my crotch, and I slapped it away, annoyed.
“Why?” I demanded, and the way he flinched made me even more irritated.
“Why are you so desperate to get me off? Can’t you just enjoy what I’m giving you and leave it at that? Jesus, how much more do you need? I’m doing everything I can!”
His lips twisted into something like a smile but which looked wrong. “I didn’t realise it was such a chore,” he said bitterly.
116
“It’s not a fucking chore!” I shouted.
He looked ready to bolt, and I grabbed hold of his arms, ashamed to see the fear in his eyes. Shit, had I put that there? I loosened my grip, kneading with my fingers in what I hoped was a reassuring manner. “Look, I don’t know how to put this in a way that will make sense, but spending time with you has been brilliant, and all I want right now is to treat you well. You aren’t obliged to give me anything back.”
You’ve already given me more than you’ll ever know,
I wanted to add but couldn’t force the words out.
He stared back at me, his eyes wide and uncomprehending.
“But I should. I feel guilty always taking. You’re older and bigger, and you’re the top, so I should be servicing you.”
“Who told you that bullshit?” I really was angry now. “That’s not the way it works, Ollie. People are too bloody complicated to be put in little boxes like that.
If you want someone to boss you around, if you get a kick out of being used, then you’re with the wrong guy.”
Ollie’s gaze dropped. “I’m sorry,” he murmured. “I fucked up, didn’t I?”
“No, you didn’t. You just have a screwy idea of how relationships work. This ex of yours, is that how he wanted things?”
“I don’t wanna talk about him.” Ollie’s lips were tight, so I didn’t quiz him any further.
“Okay, just remember, this is our relationship, and we make our own rules.
We don’t have to follow anyone else’s.”
Ollie nodded, smiled and kissed me goodnight as usual. I watched him start up Rogue and pull away into the night with a mix of relief and regret. I hoped I’d said the right things to him, but it was hard to know what his problem was if he wouldn’t talk to me about it.
I lay awake for a long time, running through scenarios in my head, each more alarming than the last. In the end, I told myself I might never know what this ex had done to him, and succumbed to an uneasy sleep.
118
“What’s this?” Zoe’s voice was muffled by the refrigerator, but I could hear the chill of disapproval.
“What’s what?” I asked, slowly swirling the hot water over a dirty plate. I might not have been fast at household chores, but I was deriving a strange sort of enjoyment out of getting back to them again.
“This.” Zoe lifted out a small plastic container of orange mush. “I didn’t make this for you. Has he started cooking for you now as well?” Her tone was resentful, but I could hear the tremor of tears underneath it.
“Zo, you’re overreacting.”
“I’m not! I’m fucking well being replaced, and you don’t need me anymore.
How the hell am I supposed to react to that?”
“Jesus Christ!” I dropped the plate into the sink and heard something crack.
Didn’t matter. My little sister was hurting.
I grasped her around the shoulders, but she turned her head away, glowering at the wall. “Look at me. Zoe, come on! That’s better. Now listen carefully, because this is the truth. You are not being replaced. No one could ever replace you, because you’re my sister and I love you with all my heart.”
“How can you?” she wailed.
I shook my head, baffled. “How can I what? Love you?”
“You can’t love me with all your heart when you love him too.”
“That’s not how love works. It doesn’t diminish when you love more people.
It grows. There isn’t a finite amount of it, you know.” She was giving me that “yeah, right” look she does so well, so I cast my mind around for an example to prove what I was saying. “I didn’t love Mum and Dad any less when you came along. I thought I would. To begin with, I resented you for taking away their attention. Everything was ‘baby this’ and ‘Zoe that’ for a while.”
Zoe sniffled but lifted her watery eyes to mine. “What changed?”
“Nothing, really. Just me. I realised you weren’t going to go away, so I decided I may as well try to get along with you. Then I noticed how cute you were, and before I knew it, I was reading you picture books and throwing you in the air to make you giggle.”
“Are you saying I should try throwing Ollie around?”
I made a face like I was seriously contemplating it. “You could try tickling him. He’s pretty ticklish behind the ears.”
Zoe gave a tremulous smile. “I’ll try.”
“That would be good, because he’s not going anywhere and it would make me so happy if the two of you could get along. He’s a really nice bloke, Zo.”