Hang In There Bozo (10 page)

 

 

BAD IDEA #1

YOU ARE PROBABLY JUST ENRAGING THE ANIMAL.

 

How to avoid a bear…

Never carry food in your pockets, not a morsel, not a mint; bears have an exceptional sense of smell and they are scroungers. Always make a lot of noise when walking in bear country; bears hate to be surprised. If you spot a bear, try and get downwind of it so it can't sniff you out; these guys really have amazing noses.

FACTS ABOUT BEARS

They can rip a car open like a tin can.

They smell very, very well
. Some experts believe a bear can smell carrion (the flesh of a dead animal) from thirty kilometres away.

They can swim.

They can climb trees.

They can outrun a human,
no problem at all.

They can dig.

They are stronger than the strongest man.

What to do if you should meet a bear…

Wish you hadn't.

 

 

BAD IDEA #2

CARRYING EVEN A MORSEL OF FOOD ON YOU, BOZO.

 

I have met some bears in my time, but all of them have been the human variety. Most people you can suss out, but some can be very unpredictable. Once you work out what makes 'em tick, you have the advantage, but until you do, never jump to any conclusions. You just have to go on instinct and your main instinct, like with bears, should be to get on outta there as fast as possible.

TIGERS

Tigers are beautiful creatures as pretty much anyone will agree, but they are not to be messed with: they can break your neck as quick as look at you so it's important to avoid any kinda embrace with this particular big cat. If you should be so unfortunate as to come face to face with one, whatever you do:

WARNING:
DON'T RUN.

Have you ever watched a house cat run after a mouse? You make a dash for it, you might as well grow a pair of big pink ears and a long tail because you're acting like said rodent.

WARNING
: DON'T STAND THERE LOOKING AT IT.

This leaves your neck exposed and a tiger is looking to clamp its jaws round your neck and snap your spine. They can do this with one bite.

This confuses them: they aren't expecting their prey to suddenly stop running – they don't know what it could mean. The thrill of the chase over, the tiger pads off – no guaranteed results, but it's your best chance and let's face it, chance is all you got.

Same goes for dealing with bullies and general taunting.

 

 

BULLIES

Ignoring them is often the best method – you give nothing back, what's the joy in them bothering you?

On the other hand, you may want to do a Del Lasco
1
and sock 'em in the mouth. I am not suggesting this will work or that you should do it, but it's the only way Del Lasco knows: she is highly volatile when provoked.

WARNING
: DON'T PROVOKE DEL LASCO.

 

 

THERE ARE CERTAIN FORMAL OCCASIONS when a certain type of behaviour is required or indeed appreciated, occasions which involve etiquette. Etiquette basically means rules and rituals and customs. When to nod, bow, kneel, walk backwards – you get the idea.

IF YOU SHOULD HAPPEN TO MEET THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND

Curtsey
.

Or bow
depending on your male/female status
.

Call her Your Majesty.

After this first greeting is over,
you can call her mam as in ham not marm as in balm
.

 

i.e.:

Curtsey.

RUBY
: ‘Hello, Your Majesty.'

Q
O
E
: ‘Hello and how are you?'

RUBY
: ‘Just swell mam.'

Q
O
E
: ‘Oh, you're American.'

Queen extends hand; you shake it. Conversation over. You walk backwards three paces and curtsey or bow as applicable.

MEETING THE AMBASSADOR

Call him or her
Your Excellency
– they like this as it makes them feel like being the ambassador was worth all the long hours and living in a rented home.

General note…

People who have titles – Lord, Lady, Viscount, Sir, Dame, etc. – really like you to use 'em so, if you want to get a titled person onside, don't forget to stick it on the envelope.

DEALING WITH INDIVIDUALS WHO YOU SUSPECT MIGHT BE DANGEROUS

I have watched at least 500 TV shows where, during the episode, it dawns on one of the characters that the person they are in conversation with is, in fact, some kind of murdering psychopath.

Almost without fail, what they do next is to either… blurt out that they know:

 

FOOLISH SOON-TO-BE VICTIM
: ‘I thought it was you all along that murdered old Mr Caspian, but when I saw you loading that body bag into the trunk of your car, I knew for sure. No one else might have seen it, but I did. I'm gonna call the police right now and they'll be here in no time – so where's your phone?'

EVIL PSYCHOPATH
: ‘Now what would I do with a phone? I don't have anyone to call... all dead, you see.'

FOOLISH SOON-TO-BE VICTIM
: ‘OK, I guess I'll have to walk and, once I make it to the police station, I'm going to tell them just where you stowed the body.'

EVIL PSYCHOPATH
: ‘And just how are you going to do that when you no longer have a head?'
{Evil laughter.}

Or they make their fear so obvious, via their body language, that the murdering psychopath is tipped off:

 

EVIL PSYCHOPATH
: ‘So, would you like to stay for a glass of lemonade or something?'

FOOLISH SOON-TO-BE VICTIM
: ‘Yes, why not.'
{Spots large axe in corner of hallway, eyes drawn to drops of blood on stair carpet, gulps furtively, looks round room seeking escape route. Profuse sweating.}
‘You know what, um, I suddenly feel a little queasy. I just might head off home.'
{Whites of eyes clearly visible.}

EVIL PSYCHOPATH
: ‘Head off you say…? Now that's an idea.'
{Evil laughter.}

 

Both these reactions lead to the individual becoming the next victim.

What you should do instead…

As in the alien example, act nice, keep friendly, make a plausible excuse and get out of there as quick as possible.

 

EVIL PSYCHOPATH
: ‘So, would you like to stay for a glass of lemonade or something?'

YOU
: ‘Yes, that would be lovely, but could I trouble you to add some fresh mint in mine? Mint gives it that pizzazz, you know what I'm saying?'
{Casual delivery, easy-going shrug.}

EVIL PSYCHOPATH
: ‘I agree. I'll just get a sharp knife to cut it with.'

YOU
: ‘I have a better idea: you get the ice from the icebox and I'll wander out into the garden and see if I can't find the mint. I'm so looking forward to that drink! Boy, am I ever in need of it!'
{Pocket the car keys unobserved, walk slowly out, smiling, taking in the day, whistle (hum if you can't whistle) – act your pants off. Get in that car and drive, bozo, drive!}

WARNING
: DON'T BE SURPRISED IF YOU FIND FRESH MINT LOSES ITS PIZZAZZ.

DEALING WITH INDIVIDUALS WHO YOU KNOW ARE DANGEROUSLY DULL

Here I am assuming that your aim is not to hurt the dull person's feelings.

In this situation you might want to fake a coughing fit: if they offer to assist by fetching you water, just wave weakly and indicate that you will do better if you sit alone in the bathroom until the fit passes. You can legitimately run from the scene without offending.

Sometimes one might be at a party or social gathering where drinks are served; here a popular ploy can be to offer to get your boring companion a beverage and then simply not return. This method leaves a lot to be desired since it is all too obvious what you are doing and feelings can be squashed.

Other ways out…

 

A
: MAN-EATING SHARK
B:
CUNNING WOLF
C:
EXPLODING DYNAMITE
D:
VORACIOUS BEAR
E:
EVIL PSYCHOPATH
F:
ALIEN FRIEND OR FOE
G:
HRH THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND

 

EXAMPLE 1

Fake sudden memory of an appointment you are meant to be at or a phone call you urgently need to make. You can cleverly link this to something your boring companion is droning on about; this leads them to believe that your vacating the area is spontaneous.

BORING INDIVIDUAL:
‘In 1972 I had a wonderful summer break watching antelope bathe in a watering hole.'