Hang In There Bozo (5 page)

Let's assume you've got your base. If possible, cut a triangular notch in one end to collect your tinder and keep it dry and ready for ignition. Then gouge a little hollow in the board right by the tinder.

Now you need a softwood stick with a sharp end. Put the sharp end in the hollow you just made, and use your palms to spin the stick, pressing down as you do to make as much friction as possible.

Repeat one million times.

When the tip of the stick is red (and you are about to fall over from exhaustion), apply it to the tinder and blow gently.

 

 

WARNING
: THIS METHOD WILL ONLY WORK IN DRY CONDITIONS. EVEN IF YOUR WOOD ISN'T WET, YOU'RE GONNA BE SPINNING THAT STICK FOR A LONG TIME, BELIEVE ME, AND YOU'RE GONNA GET A REAL ACHE IN THE ARM. YOU ALSO NEED SOFTWOOD AND HARDWOOD, WHICH IS A PRETTY BIG ASK IF YOU'RE IN THE DESERT OR STRANDED ON A BEACH. MY ADVICE? DON'T LOSE YOUR MATCHES.

FINDING SHELTER

In pretty much any survival situation, you wanna get out of the wind and the sun as soon as possible and find some kind of shelter. Be careful where you set up camp though: you could wind up in a whole lot more trouble.

WARNING
: DO NOT SHELTER: ON TOP OF A HILL, BECAUSE OF EXPOSURE TO WIND; AT THE BOTTOM OF A VALLEY, WHERE COLDER AIR GATHERS; NEXT TO A RIVER THAT IS PRONE TO FLOODING (LOOK FOR HIGH-WATER MARKS); UNDER A WASPS' NEST; NEXT TO A WHOLE PRIDE OF LIONS; ON TOP OF A SLEEPING ELEPHANT. OK, SO THE ELEPHANT'S UNLIKELY, BUT I'M NOT KIDDING ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE. YOU GOTTA KNOW WHAT YOU MIGHT BE SHARING YOUR BED WITH.

Sheet shelter…

A groundsheet or your polythene survival bag can be used to make a bunch of shelters in an emergency. For instance, you can make a triangular shelter with the narrow end pointing towards the wind, the edges weighted down by stones and the ‘roof' raised with a stick or, even better, two sticks lashed together. Or you could make a lean-to against a rocky ledge or similar.

 

 

WARNING:
USE A SLEEPING BAG OR DRY GRASS FOR THE FLOOR – DO NOT LIE ON COLD GROUND.

If you don't have a sheet: use
anything available
.
R
ULE 40
: I
F YOU AIN'T BREATHING, YOU AIN'T SURVIVING
.

WARNING
: ALL NATURAL SHELTERS WILL HAVE PLACES WHERE AIR CAN GET IN. DO NOT TRY TO COVER THEM ALL. SOME VENTILATION IS ESSENTIAL. YOU GOTTA WORRY ABOUT OXYGEN BEFORE YOU WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE.

Good places to shelter…

Under a cliff overhang.
WARNING: check that the ground is not about to give way underneath you or indeed on top of you.

Natural hollows.
Any depression in the ground can protect you from the wind. Make a roof of branches if you can.

Trees.
Use large branches that sweep to the ground to shelter under – you can weave small twigs and branches into them to make them more waterproof. Or shelter in the natural overhang under the roots of a fallen-down tree, if it is at the correct angle to the wind. Don't get this wrong, or you'll be shivering in a draught, bozo.

You can also shelter and sleep up a tree.
You may consider this a good thing to do if there are wolves or any other non-tree-climbing dangerous animals in the area. Do be sure to secure yourself to a branch or the tree trunk. Tie a scarf or piece of rope round your waist and then round part of the tree. WARNING: DO NOT TIE YOUR LEGS, ARMS OR NECK, BECAUSE IF YOU SLIP FROM YOUR PERCH, YOU MAY END UP AT A GREAT DISADVANTAGE OR EVEN DEAD.

In your own vehicle.
Shelter under the wing of your plane or by the side of your car. Make sure you shelter on the side that is out of the wind or you will get pretty cold pretty quick.

FINDING WATER

Water is essential for obvious reasons. Remember the rule of three: generally speaking, you'll survive for three minutes without air, three days without water and three weeks without food. So, unless you find water quick buster, you're not gonna last more than three days.

Animals…

Mammals, birds and insects can all lead you to water if you follow them, as they all need to drink often. Try not to follow lions, tigers and so on, as they will most likely attempt to eat you.

WARNING
: DO NOT FOLLOW REPTILES, AS THEY COLLECT WATER FROM THEIR PREY AND SO ARE NOT GOOD INDICATORS OF WATER SOURCES. SO, IF YOU FOLLOW A LIZARD, ALL HE'S GOING TO LEAD YOU TO IS A FLY. ESPECIALLY DON'T FOLLOW CROCODILES. THEY WILL EAT YOU TOO.

Condensation…

Tie the plastic bag from your kit over the leaves on a tree or over ground vegetation, and it will collect condensation for you. Neat, huh?

Solar still…

In a desert and no trees around? Don't panic. Dig a hole in the sand about a metre across and half a metre deep. Place a can in the middle of the hole, then cover it and the hole with a sheet of plastic formed into a downward conical shape. Vapour from the air and soil below will condense on the sheet, then run down it into the can. Hey, I didn't say survival was easy bozo.

Distillation…

Only got seawater? Fill a can with it and put it over a fire. Place a tube in the water and the other end of the tube in a second sealed can. You'll wanna cool the second can, maybe by putting it in some kinda bucket of cold water. That way the vapour coming down the tube from the boiling water will condense in the second can. If you can light a fire
and
do this then way to go buster. You deserve to survive.

 

 

 

Water from ice…

If the ice comes from rainwater then you can just go ahead and melt it. If it's from the sea, you wanna try to find blue ice – the older sea ice is, the bluer it gets, and the less salt it has in it. Newer sea ice is milky-white and very salty – this will need to be melted
and
distilled before drinking. (See ‘Distillation' above.)

 

 

THE PLANETS AND STARS ARE UP THERE IN THE SKY and able to guide you free of charge to where you got to get. OK, so they ain't gonna be able to tell you where the nearest public facility is, but the restroom ain't gonna be top of your priorities for a while – and what the stars
can
do is tell you the general direction to head in.

TRYING TO FIND YOUR WAY IN DAYTIME?

The sun is your friend. The sun is also your compass and your clock. You just gotta remember it rises in the east and sets in the west, and it's at its highest at noon.

IT'S NIGHT AND YOU NEED TO KNOW WHERE TO GO?

Then just thank your lucky stars bozo.

In the northern hemisphere, you wanna look for the North Star – that's in the north, genius. First, find the Plough, otherwise known as the Big Dipper. Then trace a line up the right-hand side of it and you'll find the North Star:

Note how you form a line between, and then beyond, the two stars on the right-hand side of the formation – this will lead you to the North Star.

In the southern hemisphere, you need the Southern Cross, which is found, and you're not gonna believe this, in the south.

WARNING:
THERE ARE TWO OTHER CROSS-SHAPED CONSTELLATIONS THAT WON'T TELL YOU ANYTHING USEFUL. YOU'LL KNOW THE SOUTHERN CROSS 'COS IT'S SMALLER, AND HAS TWO ‘POINTER STARS' TO ITS RIGHT (SEE DIAGRAM).

 

 

Find the Southern Cross by looking for the Milky Way on a clear night – the band of milky white stars that goes right the way across the sky. In the middle of the Milky Way you're gonna find a little dark patch, and on one side of that dark patch is the Southern Cross, with the pointer stars on the other side.

Once you
have
found the Southern Cross, you just need to know that it's not
exactly
in the south. No, to go due south, you're gonna want to keep the Southern Cross in front of you and just to the left. To be precise about it: take the width of the Southern Cross and count four times that width – then go
that far
to the right of the Cross.

Sound simple? It isn't, bozo.

USE A COMPASS, GENIUS.

What more can I say?

DON'T HAVE A COMPASS?

Don't worry buster – you can make one.

You will need:

 

A needle.

A magnet,

(if you don't have one, you can use silk instead. OK, I get that silk isn't a whole lot easier to find in the wild, but what can you do?)

Some thread.

 

Stroke the needle repeatedly along the magnet
in one direction only
. This is gonna magnetise the needle. Then hang the needle by the thread – make a loop in the end of the thread for the needle to balance in and swing freely.

WARNING
: THE MAGNETISED NEEDLE WILL POINT ALONG THE NORTH-SOUTH AXIS, BUT UNFORTUNATELY BOZO THERE IS NO WAY OF KNOWING WHICH END IS NORTH AND WHICH END IS SOUTH, AS IT DEPENDS ON THE DIRECTION OF MAGNETISATION. LONG STORY SHORT: YOU WANNA USE THIS METHOD, YOU'D BETTER HAVE A ROUGH IDEA OF WHERE NORTH IS ALREADY.

 

 

IT'S A CLOUDY NIGHT, YOU DON'T HAVE A COMPASS, AND YOU DON'T HAVE A NEEDLE, THREAD AND MAGNET?

 

Bad luck buster.