HAPPILY EVER BEFORE (10 page)

“You’re shitting me, right?” Clair stared at Grace.

“Do you think she planned it?” Grace was sitting with her eyes closed in the massage chair at the nail salon.

“I don’t know. I agree it was all very convenient, but tracking him down and paying
him
to show up out of the blue with an envelope filled with money would be giving her too much credit.”

George breezed in from her massage. “Buy in my hood.”

“She should buy close to me.”

George pushed her hair out of her face and nestled into the empty massage chair next to Grace. “Why?
Because she’s going to be Auntie Mommy?”
   

“She did not just say that!” glared Clair.

Grace and George laughed. “I’m not buying anything. I only agreed to it because I was under mental duress.” Grace leaned back into the massage chair.

“Mental duress?
You have got to stop watching
Court TV
.”

George picked out a nail color and handed it to her manicurist. “The lady’s right big executives and athlete’s do it all the time.”

Clair agreed, although not so much with the ginger spice nail color George had picked out. “It’s an investment in your future. Real estate is only going to make you money.”

“You want me to bilk your in-laws?”

“You’re not bilking anyone. You’re providing a service.” Clair, whose red crimson toes were finally done, pulled them out from under the dryer. “You’ve busted your ass at shitty jobs your entire life.  You’re the first one to do something for someone else and face it, Grace, if you weren’t such an easy touch you wouldn’t have stayed with Ray for as long as you did. Fucking go for it! Oops, I don’t want to curse in front of the baby.”

George laughed, “Yeah, because in between all of Grace’s organs and the fact that he’s under water, he can hear you plain as day.”

“He?” asked Clair.

“You’re having a boy.” George matter-of-factly stated. “Trust me, I’m never wrong.”

Grace pulled her toes out of the nail dryer. “She’s never been right.”

“What about Marianna Evans?”

“You said she was having a girl.”

“She had a girl.” George defended.

“Yeah, after she had two boys.”

George closed her eyes, “I didn’t say I predicted when they were having it, just that they were having it.”

Clair grinned. “Buy the apartment.”

“Really?”

George exhaled loudly.
“Really.
We’re going to Margie’s Candies after this. I’m
jonesing
for some sugar. And yes, I know I’m not supposed to substitute sugar for alcohol, but too
frickin
’ bad. Besides, Grace and I are going to the fat farm after the baby comes, so I’ll work this all off or pay someone to suck it out of me.”

Grace suddenly sat up. “Okay, I’m going to do this. I’m officially a whore. I’m knocked up by my sister’s husband with my sister’s eggs and living off his parents.”

Clair laughed. “I’m so proud!”

And so, the Higgins Sister’s pregnancy rolled on. The fainting scares were just that, but for some reason Grace’s morning sickness got worse. It wasn’t pretty. Vomiting never is unless you’re a bulimic super model. Grace did not, with a capital DID NOT, like morning sickness. She hadn’t thrown up so much in her entire life, which led her to believe that she was carrying some sort of alien spawn or demon seed and no amount of discussions about the improbabilities of that could convince her otherwise. The other thing was the tiredness. She could barely stay up past
ten p.m.
Needless to say, that made her job pretty difficult. So, all in all, Grace was not enjoying this stage of the pregnancy.

Clair, on the other hand, was having a ball. She and Henry were shopping for baby furniture, toys, books, clothes, and well, not throwing up at all. Whenever Clair told anyone they were expecting they always remarked how wonderful she looked and that she had real pregnancy glow about her. Sometimes, because Clair liked to believe for a little while that she did have a real pregnancy glow about her, she didn’t tell the person the Grace part. These people didn’t know her, they weren’t a part of her everyday life, and with them she could pretend she was a whole woman, a woman who was actually going to give birth to her own child.

As for the rest of them…

Diane was skating under the radar hoping to avoid the “asking out of Sal
Piceno
” deed; George was now seventy days sober; and Henry, well, Henry was another story. Like most fathers-to-be, Henry was a pendulum of emotions. He was filled with excitement, he couldn’t wait to hold his child in his arms, and he was filled with fear. He never held a baby before.  What if he dropped the baby? Excitement--he couldn’t wait to teach his kid how to read or ride a bicycle and fear--what if the kid hated the site of him? These scenarios played out in Henry’s mind all day long and all night long too. He couldn’t sleep anymore.  He was tossing and turning so much that once Clair was asleep, he’d get up, go into his office, and buy stuff for the baby. That’s when the trouble began.

“Crackers?”
Grace opened the door a bit disheveled from a full on bout of the grossness that is morning sickness to find Henry standing with a box of saltine crackers.

“They say they help with morning sickness.”

“Who are they? Are they the same people who say that four out of five dentists recommend Crest? ‘
Cause
I still got cavities.” Grace smiled at her brother-in-law. “Uh, do you want to come in?”

“Am I interrupting anything?”

“Uh, no just the vomiting, which seems to have subsided for now.”
Henry entered the apartment. He brought with him a huge bag of stuff.
“Uh, any bagels in there?”

“Do you want bagels? I can get you bagels.” Henry offered.

Grace smiled. “No, I was just teasing. Are you okay?”

 Henry was nervous; he’d never been in this situation before. And let’s face it, only about ten percent of the population is ever in the “my sister-in-law is knocked up with my kid” position, so who could blame him? “You should sit down. Don’t you think you should sit down?”

Grace had never seen him like this before. “Uh, sure, I can sit down if you want.”

“Great, great.”
Henry waited until Grace sat. “So, I did some research and, well, there are a few things you need to have, you know, while you’re pregnant.”

Grace laughed.
“Really?
Things I need to have? Like a box of saltines?”

Henry reached in and pulled a pair of fuzzy pink
Ugg
slippers from the bag. “Okay, so you’re feet are
gonna
swell and your shoes are going start to hurt and they say that slippers are the best things in the world to live in at home and they should, you know, be a size larger.” Henry dug back into the bag. This time he pulled out a container of
Kiehl’s
foot lotion. “Not only will they swell, but well, they’ll ache and this should help relieve tension and stuff.”

Grace was amused by his sincerity. “Wow, well thanks.”

He then pulled out a bellyband. “Now, while these aren't designed to give support for your back, according to the research I’ve done they do offer some, but they're also great if you wear it with your regular jeans for while. You just leave them unbuttoned with the band over them.” Henry handed it to Grace then pulled out an
iPad
. “Okay this is for what they call placenta brain. You’re going to become scatter brained and forgetful. There’s nothing to be worried about, but you should be prepared. You can write down all your appointments, lunch dates, birthdays, and test dates--it’s really handy.”

 “Wow! Clair will be thrilled to know that doctors recommend something she’s been doing her whole life.  Uh, don’t you have to get to work?”

Henry, who was now totally consumed with his big bag
o’surprises
, pulled out a fan and a rather nice over-sized red-stripped Gap sweater. “Your natural thermometer will be a bit out of whack because, well, you have all those extra hormones running rampant through your body. And, so, you'll be hot when everyone else is cold and cold while they sweat. So, these should help with that.”

“You really did your research.  I’m impressed.”

Henry clearly wasn’t done yet. He pulled out massage oil. “To help with your back pain in the last trimester;” a support bra, “I think, well, you understand what this is, but it helps as they, you know, get bigger and I, uh, guessed at the size, and here’s the receipt, so you can exchange it.”
A packet of maternity underwear.
“Well, that’s just, you know what that is,
again
I guessed at the size and, uh, have the receipt.”
A box of Kotex panty liners.
“In the third trimester when the, uh, baby's head is pushing on your bladder, besides, uh, you know, bladder leakage pregnancy comes with all other sorts of, uh, um, discharges and stuff, so you should be prepared.” Grace was now concerned by Henry’s behavior. She was also completely overwhelmed by all the things that were about to happen to her body. She hadn’t gotten through the first chapter of
What
To
Expect While You’re Expecting
because every time she opened it she fell asleep. She stared at Henry and honestly couldn’t figure out if he had crossed the line or not. Henry, on the other hand, checked his watch, “I have about twenty minutes before I’ve got to be at the office. How about I get you that bagel? What do you want?”

Grace snapped out it. “Uh, thanks, um bagel?
Rye
, cream cheese, tomato--no onion, no capers.”

“Great!” With that, Henry was out the door and Grace was left with a coffee table display of the ten things she has to have while pregnant and, well, the need to vomit yet again! 

“I’m not doing it.” Diane could be very stubborn when she wanted to be.

“Yes, you are.” Clair pursed her lips and held her ground.

Diane pulled away from the curb and merged into traffic. “It’s the stupidest thing I ever agreed to do and now that I’ve reflected on it, I’m not doing it.”

“Do we need to get
you
a surrogate?” Clair wryly asked.

“Oh shut up.” Diane groaned.

Clair watched as her mother slowed down at the red light. “Seriously, mom, this is the first guy you’ve showed an interest in since dad. You need to go for it.”

“Honey, I know you have this image of me as this born again virgin since your Father died, but that is not the case. He’s been gone a really long time.” Diane caught Clair’s look of surprise. “Sweetie, how late do you think a curator has to work? I mean what did you think I was doing on all those business trips?”

“Well, well,” clucked Clair, “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.  And, by apple I mean Grace and by tree, I mean you; my Mother, the whore!”

“I wasn’t a whore, but I did have fun.”

“Well, goody for you. You’re still asking him out.”

“No, I’m not.” Diane checked for a parking space.

“Mom, you’re pretty spectacular, smart, funny, and from what I’ve just learned, easy, so you’re a catch. Why the hell wouldn’t you ask this guy out? What is the deal?” asked Clair.

“I’m parallel parking honey and you know how much I hate parallel parking.”

Clair patiently waited for her mom to park. She even waited until she had put money into the parking meter, but she drew the line at her mom applying lipstick before entering the building that her in-laws may be buying an apartment in for her sister. “What gives Hester
Prynne
?”

Diane shook her head. “It’s different.”

“Okay, I’m biting--different than having anonymous sex in foreign hotel rooms or different than say a root canal?”

Diane playfully smacked Clair on top her head, “I didn’t have anonymous sex in foreign hotel rooms!” She stopped Clair from walking into the building’s lobby. “Did you ever feel like if you did this one certain thing your entire life would change?”

“Uh, who asked her sister to have her kid?”

Grace came up behind them…“and who said yes? What are we talking about?”

“How mom was a whore after dad and she thinks if she asks out
Piceno
her whole life is
gonna
change.”

Grace took this in. “Good change or bad change?”

Clair turned her mother. “Trust me, after the whole quality of life conversation we’ve had, don’t go down this road with her.”

Diane gave her kids the once over. “You’re not going to let me off the hook are you?”

“Nope,” they answered in unison.

Grace took her mom’s hand. “Okay, let’s go see this apartment
your
knocked up, kept woman of a daughter is going to buy on her sister’s in-law’s dime. People, we are so living the American dream!”

When they got up to the apartment Grace was surprised that Henry was there. She hadn’t seen her brother-in-law since the ten things you need while you’re pregnant incident. Henry smiled when he saw Clair and Grace. “How are my two favorite ladies doing?”

Grace immediately felt weird. “Good, good, wow this place is great.”

Henry took Clair’s hand. “You should check out the master bath it has a Jacuzzi, but you can’t use that until after you’ve had the baby. Oh, I forgot, I got you something.”

Grace was frightened that her brother-in-law was going to pull out a breast pump or worse yet more panty liners for all her yucky discharges.  “I should check out the bathroom.”

“Come on wait until you see what he got,” said Clair.

Henry pulled out the latest and greatest camera phone/video recorder. “This way you can record the stuff we don’t see. We have one, you have one, got one for my parents and your mom.” He handed them out.

“You shouldn’t have,” said a relieved Grace, “this is great.”

Diane noticed Grace’s reaction and pulled her away. “Can you show me how to use it after we take a little tour?” Once they moved out of the living room and into the master bedroom, Diane pounced. “What gives?”

“Gives? Don’t say gives. Henry keeps giving me things.”

Diane stuck her head into the walk-in closet. “Whoa!” She and Grace admired the huge custom closet and observed a moment of silence. Grace sighed. “My clothes aren’t worthy of this closet. They get kicked out of places like this--usually with me in them!”

Diane nudged her. “What things?”

“The ten things I must have while pregnant: slippers, fan, a sweater…”

“That’s sweet.” Her mom smiled.

“Massage oil, panty liners, a pregnancy bra, and panties. He guessed at the sizes. I’m sorry, but that’s a little bit odd.”

Diane stifled a giggle. “He’s just trying to feel part of the pregnancy. Does Clair know?”

“I didn’t tell her. Who wants to have
that
conversation? I was hoping she knew, but then I was a bit afraid if she sanctioned it.”

Before they could finish, Patricia and Henry, Sr. strolled in. “So?” asked Patricia, “what do you think? Come on, out of all the ones we’ve seen, this is the best isn’t it?”

Grace smiled. “Don’t you think it’s a little much? I’m just one person.”

Henry, Sr. patted her on the arm. “You’re one person now, Grace, but you’re not always going to be one person.”

“You do know that Henry and Clair will be taking the baby home once it’s born, right?”

Henry, Sr. smiled. “Of course we do, but why not build
yourself
a field of dreams? If you build it they will come, Grace, they will come.” He sighed and then strolled off into the master bath.

Diane and Grace looked at Patricia who shrugged. “He was on the golf course all day. The sun fried whatever brain he had left. Now come on de…” Patricia caught herself.  “It’s a great place. It’s big, but not so ostentatious that it isn’t cozy.  And, did you see the kitchen? I know you love to cook, Grace, and this kitchen is state of the art. Come on, let me show you.”