HAPPILY EVER BEFORE (16 page)

As the moon rose higher in the sky an ominous wind blew--a telltale sign that something wicked this way comes or more accurately something wicked this way sat in the swank apartment across from the lake on the floor of her shoe closest. Grace was amongst her once cherished shoe collection with her wide, sweaty, and swollen feet. Besides a pair of
Keds
and some flip-flops, she had absolutely no shoes to wear. She also had nothing to put over her ever-expanding ass. No one had warned her about that. She had no idea why her ass was growing in proportion to her stomach because the baby was not growing in that part of her body. And, so it may be safe to assume that the rain and hail that was now beating down on the city of
Chicago
was due in fact to the wailing, sobbing, Grace. To top off the shoes that don’t fit horror was the fact that at this moment she weighed the most that she had ever weighed in her life, was the horniest that she had ever been in her life, and she was about to meet Jack’s parents for the first time--all while five and half months pregnant with her sister’s child. It was not going to be a good night. Rain made her hair frizz,
Keds
were inappropriate footwear for dinner, her last pair of pantyhose had just ripped, and the Liz Lange striped polo dress she had planned on wearing to this casual little get together made her look like a pregnant zebra. The baby kicked and Grace immediately put her hand on her belly. “Listen kid, I love you like you’re my own, but seriously enough with the growing. Aren’t you getting cramped in there? If I get any bigger, I’m going to need a forklift to carry me around.” Grace, exhausted, lay down and as the thunder and lightning slowly joined the cadence of the hailstorm that was going on just outside her window, she drifted to sleep.

“I think I found her,” said the slightly Italian accented voice that was coming from the sweet faced, green-eyed blonde who was staring down at Grace. Grace, whose eyes weren’t completely opened yet, was confused.  “Are you okay dear?” asked the voice.

Grace opened her eyes. She knew where she was, but didn’t know who was staring at her. “I think so.”

“Gracie, Gracie, are you okay?” asked a panicked Jack, as he came rushing into her bedroom.

Grace was still confused. “I think so. What’s wrong?”

 “It’s
nine o’clock
. You were supposed to meet us at the restaurant at seven, remember?”

That’s when the clothing, shoe, panty-hose ripping nightmare flashed before her eyes.
“Oh my GOD!
No! I was getting dressed. I just
laid
down for a second.” She looked at the blonde and the strapping barrel-chested white haired man who came up behind her and cringed. “You’re Jack’s parents?”

“Yes dear,” said the blonde.

Grace was mortified. She was about to get up when she suddenly felt wet. “Uh, why don’t you go fix your parents a drink and I’ll, uh, finish getting ready.”

Jack had no idea what to do. There on the floor, smelling the tiniest bit like urine, was the love of his life and standing over her, hopefully not picking up the tiniest smell of urine, were his parents. “Sure.” Jack guided his parents out the door as Grace struggled to her feet. Once he had his parents safely ensconced in the living room, Jack came back in time to save Grace from losing her balance and landing on her ass.

 “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what happened. My shoes didn’t fit, my pantyhose ripped, and I looked like a pregnant zebra and then, I think I peed myself. I felt everything get all warm, but it was probably a dream.”

Jack had no idea if he should laugh. “It wasn’t a dream,” was all he could say.

 
“Oh my GOD!
I wet the bed. I mean the floor, I wet the floor?” She looked down at her dark cherry hardwood floors, saw the damp sheen of pee and was mortified. “Your parents must be starving.” Then it hit her. “I smell like pee. I just met your parents for the first time and I was passed out on the floor smelling like pee. Oh my God, if I had a cup next to me they would’ve given me a quarter! Get them out! Out, out of here--like now! We’re so broken up!”

Jack smiled. “Uh, no, but I’ll order some dinner while you fix yourself up and we’ll just start over.” He kissed Grace, went into the master bath, came out with a towel and some spray ammonia, cleaned up the pee, tossed the towel into the laundry basket and headed out the door. “Why don’t you take a shower and relax?”

“Relax? How am I supposed to relax?” implored Grace.

“By taking a shower,” he said as he closed the door behind him.

Jack was right. A shower had calmed her down. She was still mortified, but at least she no longer smelled like a kid learning how to be potty trained. Grace brushed her wet hair and pulled it back off her neck into a soft bun. She used to wear her hair like this when she was on the local swim team.  Her dad used to call her the swimming ballerina. Grace smiled at the memory of her Popsicle then sighed. She was ready to meet Jack’s parents for the second time. The moment she walked into the living room the welcoming aroma of lamb chops and roasted potatoes wafted over her. She watched Jack help his mom in the kitchen as his father busted his chops about the Cubs. While the threesome laughed and joked Grace realized she wasn’t wearing any shoes and was about to go back into her bedroom when Jack’s mom caught her eye. She smiled at Grace and her face lit up. Grace, who had always wondered where Jack had gotten his own crinkly smile and laughing eyes, finally got her answer.

“Here she is. I hope you don’t mind. I commandeered your kitchen. Seemed like a waste to order out when you had all the fixings for a great meal right here.” She wiped her hands on Grace’s apron and walked over to her. “I’m Millie,” she said as she took Grace by the arm and led her over to her husband. “And this cranky old man is Joe.”

Grace wasn’t nervous anymore.
“Nice to finally meet you.
Sorry about earlier. I didn’t mean to worry you.”

Millie shooed Jack from the kitchen. “Grace and I will finish; set the table with your father.”

As Jack scooted out he pulled Grace into a kiss…“Hey, you”…Then did as his mother instructed.

Grace blushed as she watched Jack walk away. “So, what do you need me to do?”

Millie handed her a knife, a loaf of bread, and a cutting board. “Not break my son’s heart and slice the Italian bread.” Like Jack before her, Grace did as his mother instructed.

“I think that went well,” Jack said as he loaded the dishwasher.

“Well, let’s just say that considering the way it started, it ended better than anyone anticipated.” Grace placed a new garbage bag into the kitchen trashcan and caught Jack smiling. That’s when it hit her. She loved him. Oh shit she thought. She totally loved him. She was in head-over-heels-don’t-want-to-be-without-him-in-love, love with him. Grace felt sick to her stomach, excited beyond belief, and scared to death. She felt her heart beat faster. Her breath caught in her throat as she tried to speak she sounded like a wheezing bulldog. “What’s with the smile? You got a secret?”

Jack grinned. “I’m just relieved that my parents liked you.”

“What? You thought there was a chance they wouldn’t? Let me rephrase that. You thought that before you found me lying in a pool of my own urine that they wouldn’t?”

“I knew they’d like you, but my mom cooked for you. She didn’t cook for my ex-wife ‘til we were married and by then we were getting divorced.”

“Oh, I thought she just wanted to show me how proficient she was with knives because she threatened my life a few times.”

Jack laughed. “She’s all bark, no bite.”

“Really?
 ‘
Cause
I’m thinking she’s more Bonnie and
Clyde
and less Mama Celeste.” Grace looked down at her feet. “I can’t believe I was barefoot and pregnant all night. I’m a freak!”

Jack took her hand and led her to the couch. “Well, you’re my freak,” he said as he kissed her gently and sat her down. “So,” he nervously said as he looked around her apartment, then took her feet and started massaging them. “Maybe we should go away together, you know, before the baby is born.”

Grace, who was lulled into a relaxed state as he worked out the knot between her heel and arch, was intrigued. “Why?”

“Why? What do you mean why?” asked Jack.

“Well, going away is a big milestone. It’s the capper to the all-exciting, sometimes dreaded, not sure if we should do the deed, deed doing event sealer. And, because you’re never putting out, why bother?”

An insulted Jack stopped massaging her feet. “You’re kidding me, right?”

Grace, realizing she had hurt his feelings, tried to back track. “Of course I am.” She leaned over and kissed him. “Actually, I’m not. I think you should just put out already.” Jack was pissed and pulled away from her. She had no idea why she was pursuing this line of thinking considering that she had just figured out she was in the love with the guy and, of course, she wanted to go away with him. “You have to look at it from my point of view. After I have this kid, we’re not going to be able to have sex for at least two months, and from all the books I read, I may not be in the mood for sex for at least six months, or, hell, maybe a year. What happens if I end up experiencing post- partum depression or if I have a C-section? I won’t be able to move my abdomen for like eight weeks and there’s all the other gross stuff that goes down in that area that puts you off sex for quite a while. We would be together for at least one, maybe two years and no sex, which is fine if we were Amish, but I’m not Amish. And besides, they have more sex than that. I mean really, what else are you
gonna
do if you don’t have TV? How many barns can you raise? So, why go away for a long weekend and be tortured by the fact that you don’t want me?” Grace immediately felt like an idiot.

“Don’t want you? Are you serious? Is that what you think?” Jack sighed. “I take so many cold showers at the fire house the guys have started calling me Frosty!”

“Oh really?” giggled Grace as she climbed onto his lap and began kissing his neck.

He kissed her long and hard.
“Really.
Not going away for a weekend doesn’t make any sense. Although, being tortured by my fabulous body certainly does.” He pulled away from her. “This is about Ray isn’t it? You think you’ll feel more secure in our relationship if we seal the deal.”

Grace knew he was right, but she wasn’t about to give in. “Oh and you didn’t want me to meet your parents for the exact same reason? Isn’t that why your mom kept threatening my life?”

Jack knew that she was right, but he wasn’t about to give in. “Come on, this asshole has been hanging over our heads since our first date. If you need to have sex with me, so you can feel like you’re over him then obviously you’re not over him. And trust me, Grace, I’m sick and tired of having this conversation.”

“Oh believe me, I’m over Ray-- I’m so over Ray. Do you want to know how I know I’m over Ray?” Grace stopped. She was still feeling guilty about her cab ride with Ray and knew telling Jack about it right now would be huge mistake. Grace half whispered, “
maybe
we should stop having this conversation.”

“What does that mean?” Jack felt the color drain from his face.

Grace started to tremble. She had no idea what she was doing. Picking a fight with a guy you just realized you were in love with was one of those things you weren’t supposed to do. All the advice columns she had ever read told her that. “I don’t know.”

“What is it about this guy that gets you so worked up?”

Grace steadied herself against the overstuffed
Greenwich
chair. “I thought he was the love of my life. On paper he’s a complete loser, but he knew how to make me laugh.  He was the first guy I had sex with sober, he was the only one who believed I could be a rock star, and just when I thought he was a complete asshole he would say or do something so unbelievably sweet. He broke my heart.” Grace shook off the Ray nostalgia and regrouped. “Or maybe I’m so worked up because I’m a hormonal mess and there’s the whole who-are-you-to-me- who-am-I-to-you-issue and, oh my GOD, I don’t know what the fuck I’m saying--I plead the fifth!”

Jack had no idea what she wanted. She had no idea what she wanted and, so he thought that meant she didn’t want him. “Maybe we should just call it quits before anyone gets hurt.”

Grace didn’t like the sound of that at all. “Yeah, well make sure your mother knows you broke my heart and not the other way around.”

“Really?” he asked a bit too hopefully. “If I walked out that door right now and we called it quits, I’d break your heart?”

“Yes,” Grace answered so quickly she almost gave herself whiplash. “And I don’t think I’d recover.” She tried to stop talking, but couldn’t. “At least with Ray I’d know it was going to happen again and I’d have my exit strategy prepared.”

Jack had no idea what to do next. “Oh.”

“That’s it, ‘oh?’” Grace sighed. “Oh like in, so you thought you felt the same way, but you don’t.” Jack still said nothing. Grace nervously began to chatter, “
and
of course you weren’t aware of the fact until I made a fool of myself. Well, that’s the last time I fall asleep in my own pee. Self magazine said it was a turn on, not a turn off, but once again, as with the bad advice on ruby coral lipstick, they were wrong.” What Grace didn’t know was that Jack was in shock. His heart was beating a hundred miles an hour. He was definitely sweating. His palms were itchy. He wanted to stand, but he was afraid his legs wouldn’t support him. Once he gained his facilities, he pushed all his weight onto his feet and stood up. So far, so good, he thought. He walked over to Grace, pulled her to him and kissed her passionately and led her to the bedroom. “Ooh,” said Grace, as shirts and skirts were taken off and shoes and belts hit the floor. “Ooh,” Grace whispered while Jack caressed her pregnant belly and teased her lips with his.