Happily Ever Never (8 page)

Chapter 12

It seemed like a good idea until she interrupted.

“Oh no you don’t!” Shawna snatched the blade out of my hand and tossed it in the tub. I’d been sitting there for a while staring at my vein, contemplating if I had the nerve to pierce it. “This isn’t the answer.”

I looked away, embarrassed that I’d considered it to be my only option. “How did you get in here?”

“I have the room key, dumbass. Be glad I did. I won’t let you take the easy route out of here. We’re all hurting. You aren’t alone, Bailey.”

“Just leave me alone. I won’t do anything stupid.”

“I’m not going anywhere.” She reached down and picked me up off the floor, leading me over to the large king-sized bed. “Climb in and get under the covers.”

I halted, unable to imagine messing up the covers Major had last touched. “I can’t.”

“Why?”

“He left them like that.” I pointed to his side of the bed. “I can’t move them.”

I knew she was becoming frustrated, but I was adamant. “Fine. Let’s get you showered and changed.” While I stood there staring at the bed, Shawna rummaged through my suitcase until she found something appropriate to wear. She then pulled me back into the bathroom and turned on the shower. When I refused to take off my clothes she shoved me inside with them on.

I have to admit that the chilled water was awakening. It almost hurt to stand under it as the temperature heated up. She doused my hair with shampoo and began rubbing it in like I was incapable of doing it myself. “You can fight me all day long. I’m not leaving your side. I’m taking care of you, because I know you’d do the same for me.”

“I’m sorry,” I whispered with soapy water going into my mouth.

“You should be. That was the dumbest choice you could have made. If you end your life I’m coming after you, do you understand me?”

I knew her threats weren’t real, but I appreciated how serious she was. I’d scared her, for that I was sorry, though I couldn’t regret wanting to stop hurting.

Shawna helped me out of my clothes. I didn’t even care that she was seeing me naked or scrubbing like I’d been infected with a plague. When she was finished she pulled me out of the stall and wrapped a towel around me. She ran into the other room and came back with a chair and a pile of clothes. “Can I trust you to get dressed or do you need help with that to?”

“I can do it,” I assured her. Instead of leaving the room, she folded her arms across her chest and waited for me to do it. I understood how she didn’t feel safe leaving me alone, so I stood up and started putting my clothes on. Once I was done she took a brush to my long hair and began blowing it dry while I sat in the chair. She said nothing as she focused on the task, and I appreciated the loud noise the machine made, because I knew she wouldn’t expect me to speak.

After she was done, she gave me little time to focus on the room and any of Major’s things. “Come on. We need to head over to the Valero’s. They’re expecting us.”

She took me by the arm and led me out of the hotel where a taxi drove us to our destination.

It wasn’t until we pulled up that I realized where I was and what was supposed to be happening. I should have been wearing my dress and preparing to walk down the sandy beach to marry my love. I choked back more tears when Shawna climbed out and waited for me to join her. The house was the same one I’d seen in pictures. The front yard was landscaped in all sorts of colored flowers. I could hear birds singing in the distance and a red cardinal swooped down just before we made it to the front step. I took a few deep breaths when Shawna rang the doorbell. It cracked open, and I saw an elderly man standing on the other side. He said something in Italian and opened it for us to enter. I tried so hard to smile. This was Major’s grandfather; the man I was so afraid to meet. His wife approached us as soon as we got inside the home. She took my hands and held both of them as she looked into my lost eyes. “cuore spezzato,” she said in a low murmur. I didn’t know what it meant and look beyond her to see Vicki there. She had a tissue in her hand and tears rolling down her cheeks. Where heavy makeup usually covered her aging face, there was nothing. She was exhausted, and in her eyes I saw the same endless pool of pain that I was experiencing. “She said broken heart,” she explained.

I let the feeble woman hug me, and in that moment I knew she would have approved of my marrying her grandson. All the worry was for nothing, yet I couldn’t even begin to feel happy about it. How could I? It wasn’t like there would be a wedding.

I didn’t know how much she could understand, because usually Major translated when we spoke, but I had to tell her how sorry I was. I had to reach out. “I loved Major with my whole heart. I’m so very sorry for your loss.”

The old woman pulled me into her arms. I could feel her body trembling as she cried with me. This wasn’t the connection I longed for, but it was enough for the time being.

Vicki came over and got in on the hug too. The three of us stood there weeping like it would help us heal. I think we all knew it couldn’t.

A little later, once we’d all calmed down, I was told that the rest of the family were out back. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to face them, especially on this particular day, but I couldn’t disrespect them. I’d have plenty of time to cope alone. For now we needed each other.

Nothing could have prepared me when I came face to face with Vince. Suddenly the whole accident played out again. I heard them bickering, and Major telling me he had something to prove. Had it not been for Vince I’d be at my wedding instead of listening to people plan a funeral.

He came right at me, as if I wanted to be near him. “Bails, I…”

I pounded my fists on his chest. “You did this! You took him from me! I hate you! I hate you so much! Stay away from me. It’s your fault he’s gone. You ruined my life.”

I had to be forced back into the house, where I knew I’d upset everyone there. When Shawna ran back inside there was nothing left to say except for what needed to be done. “Just take me back to the hotel. I can’t be near him.”

Vicki came inside after me. “Bailey, I know you’re hurting, but Vince is too. Major took that jump. He wasn’t forced.”

“No, but he was coerced. What’s the difference? If Vince has kept his mouth shut your son would still be alive. I’ll never forgive him, and I can’t sit around pretending his presence doesn’t make me ill.”

“We all understand what your feeling.”

I knew they did, but it wouldn’t change my opinion. “I’m going back to the hotel. I can’t sit here and talk about Major like he’s a memory. I’m not ready to do that. I’m not even sure if I can accept that he’s really gone. I’m sorry, but I need to go back to the hotel.”

My best friend met me out front in the yard. Tony Sr. was walking up the sidewalk toward us. He could tell I was in no condition for a conversation, but stopped me anyway. He took me into his arms and kissed the top of his head, much like his son did every day. I closed my eyes and accepted the sentiment. “You’ll always be our daughter-in-law. You’re a part of this family. I want you to know that.”

With tear-filled eyes I smiled but said nothing in return. Even if I could get something out I knew it wouldn’t make it easier for him.

When we arrived back at the hotel I told Shawna I needed to take a walk. I assured her I’d return unharmed, and that I just wanted to try to clear my head. All along I knew where I wanted to go and why I had to be there. As soon as she walked inside I began my hike toward the beach. Major had been right. Nearly ten minutes later, following the smell of the ocean breeze, I arrived to the place where Major took his last breath. For a while I stood with my feet barely in the sand staring out at the horizon. The wind was heavy, and there was an eerie feeling all around, especially since parts were taped off from the accident. I hugged myself while walking toward the main cliff. Though I knew I wouldn’t climb to the top, I closed my eyes and imagined I was up there. I pictured Major promising it would be his last jump, and feeling like I wanted to stop him from taking it.

I was overcome with anguish once again, sinking down into the sand as my grief stricken body gave up. I couldn’t fathom the idea of this beautiful place being the death of him. I couldn’t accept that something so perfect would take his life. Seconds was all it took for him to leave me. This wasn’t like catching him in an affair, or hearing him tell me we were over. At least then I knew he’d still be around. This kind of absence, the permanent reminder of his death was all around me, not just physically, but in every aspect of my life.

I was raised Catholic, and all my life I’d believed in God’s love. I wondered if this was how Major’s life was supposed to end. Was this the path I’d always been on? Was his death another challenge for me to overcome?

People say God only gives what one can handle. If that’s true than someone assumptions were wrong. I can’t be strong enough to handle losing him.

“Why did you have to do it, Major? Why did you have to leave me? You should have stayed. You let a stupid man dictate your last moments. Why? I just need to know?” I’d lost my mind. Sure, I was screaming out into a body of water as if he was going to emerge, but I didn’t care. I needed to get it out. I wanted to scream and yell until it didn’t hurt anymore. Most of all I wanted to hide. I didn’t want to look at anyone and see how sorry they felt for me and the rest of the family. I just wanted to disappear.

I stayed out on that beach until the sun set. Since I was supposed to watch it with Major as we celebrated our matrimony, it was bittersweet. There were a lot of tears, and even more one-sided conversations. I wouldn’t say it was therapeutic, but for some reason I didn’t feel alone. Maybe his spirit was lingering around until he knew I could accept that he was gone. Maybe I was grasping at straws, holding on to anything I could fabricate in my distraught mind.

Oden found me on the beach just as daylight left the horizon. He called out my name a few times before I turned around to acknowledge him. By that time he was within reach of me. “We’ve been looking everywhere for you.”

“I’ve been here all day.”

Instead of ordering me back to the hotel Oden sat down in the sand next to me. He brought his knees up and rested his arms on them. “I should have guessed you’d come here.”

“I just wanted to feel close to him. I know he’s not here.”

“He could be. Don’t give up hope that he’s out there watching us. People believe all kinds of things about the afterlife.”

“You and I were both raised to believe that kind of thing doesn’t exist,” I reminded him.

“Yet it’s been proven on several accounts. People don’t believe what they can’t see. I’d like to think my brother is still with us. I’d also like to think that he’s not going to be at peace until he knows we’re all okay, especially you, Bailey. For the longest time we all thought he’d never settle down. The day you came into his life changed him. I get how you feel like you didn’t have enough time with him, but the last two years he was happier than I’ve known him to be. He was lucky to have met you and loved you.” I could hear the young man sniffling. I knew he was breaking down while talking about his brother, so I leaned my head on his shoulder and put my arm inside of his.

“Today was supposed to be the happiest day of our lives.”

“I can’t imagine what this is like for you. I lost my brother, but you built your life around him. He wouldn’t have wanted it this way; you suffering like you are. I know if he could he’d dry your tears.”

I tried to fight the burning wetness from accumulating in my eyes. My attempts failed immediately. Sitting with someone who shared the same blood as Major was harder than I thought it would be. While Oden did his best to comfort me, I thought about the marriage I’d never experience. I imagined the children we’d never have, and the love that only he’d be able to give me.  I think I could have dealt with having my wedding canceled. I could have even lived with being left at the altar. What I couldn’t live with was knowing it wasn’t what he wanted at all.

“I’m afraid that if I accept that he’s gone I’ll become someone else entirely just to be able to cope. I don’t want to be that person, but the idea of existing without him is impossible. I know it just happened. Maybe I’ll feel differently in time, but right now it’s all I can think about. Oden, your brother wasn’t just someone I wanted to marry. He was everything to me. I feel like I waited my whole life for his love.”

Oden sighed. “Yeah, I get it. I’ve never experienced something like that, but I understand.”