Haunting Leigh: A Paranormal Romantic Comedy (Literal Leigh Romance Diaries Book 4) (6 page)

Chapter Eleven

Medium Rare

We stood in my kitchen, and I wasn’t even sure where to start. The first order of business was to get Max and Millie’s heads straightened out. I had no idea what sort of chemicals were in the bowl they drank from, but I knew it wasn’t punch. I also had to make sure they weren’t in complete shock over the interspatial trip we just took.

It turns out that the Kovacs were already firm believers in such matters. Their altered states of perception made everything that I told them about the accident and the fate of Hunter’s ghost seem normal. They accepted everything as fact based on face value alone. I may as well have said, “The sky is blue, the sun rises in the east.” The fact that I was dealing with believers was kind of nice for a change.

It was heartbreaking to watch Millie and Max as they watched over their son. It made me feel lower than a snake’s ass. As a matter of fact, I probably could have slithered right out of my bedroom. My stomach wrenched like I had scarfed down a sack of hamburger gut bombs. I wish it was just a case of lousy food. At least that could be remedied with a fit of vomiting. I don’t know of any quick fixes for sheer guilt.

Millie could sense how I felt and instead of skinning me alive, she pulled me close to her and Max. “We are going to get Hunter’s spirit. Have no doubt about that.”

“Have you done anything like this before?” I asked.

“Well, I wouldn’t say anything exactly like this. I’ve been a medium for a long time, and I’ve come across some very strange things. With ghosts, you just never know what you’ll get.”

“What do they look like? Are they just invisible?”

“Oh, no, they can be seen. Personally, I’ve never actually seen a ghost, but at a séance one night in 1982 I felt a sudden chill. So I know I can sense them. One thing about ghosts, they are very subtle.”

“You can communicate with them, though. Right?” I prayed she would say it was the most common thing a medium could do. I really needed her to throw some true ghost stories out there. I was already having some doubts about her skills.

“Based on my experience, ghosts don’t actually speak to you. You sort of get these thoughts and ideas about what they have to say. Then the ideas grow until you get the big picture.” Millie explained.

Millie’s psychic résumé was starting to look pretty shoddy. How can you be a medium and not have one credible ghost story? The answer is that you can’t. Poor Millie had been fooling herself for years and probably quite a few good paying clients as well. That didn’t mean she couldn’t be of help. I knew I would have to take the lead on this and gently prod her along—more or less. In any case, everything would need to wait a little longer. The sun wasn’t even up and I was dead tired. Max had settled in an old chair I had in the bedroom and I could see his head bobbing up and down as he fought to stay awake.

“Why don’t we try to get a little rest?” I suggested. “This could be a long day and a longer night ahead.” Max replied by snoring. Millie lay next to Hunter and her eyes fell shut. I was on the other side of him and did the same thing.

I woke up to the morning sun coming through the window. I saw that Max and Mille were already awake. I remembered I needed to ask my newfound medium something. “Millie, Marie Laveau said we will need a Ouija board. Do you have one?”

Max’s ears perked up. “Ouija board? Any specific style? Back at the store we have the best selection of Ouija boards in the greater Chicagoland area. At least that’s what our radio ad says. Every color of the rainbow and made from almost any material you can imagine. We have them in forty two different languages. I even have one in Klingon for the Star Trek nuts. Can you believe those guys?” Max huffed through his beard and shook his head. His beads clinked together and bounced off his tie-dyed shirt.

Max didn’t really have too much wiggle room when it came to calling someone else a nut. “Marie didn’t specify a model. Isn’t there just a plain base model Ouija board? Can we try that first? If the ghosts speak another language, we can work our way through them.”

“Sure. We’ve got the regular Ouija boards. Can you zap us over there? We’ll pick one out.”

“I’ll stay here with Hunter.” Millie gently swept a hair aside on Hunter’s battered forehead. Tears were finally winning the battle, and her eyes were ready to gush at any second. I sat with her and gave her a hug. It was more than a hug. It was like I was holding on to her for both of our sakes. I tried to think of some reassuring words, but everything that came to mind seemed more like something off of one of those theoretical motivational posters.

A loud crashing sound came from the kitchen. The noise startled us and our embrace was interrupted as we sprang up.

“Hello? Hello? Leigh?” It was Gertie.

“Back here in the bedroom,” I replied. Gertie walked in through the door and was surprised to see my bedroom was quite crowded.

“What happened?”

“It’s kind of a long story, but Hunter needs our help right now. Oh, and meet Hunter’s parents, Max and Millie Kovacs.” Gertie hugged them both.

Gertie bent over Hunter and looked at his head. “Is he going to be all right? Holy fractured craniums! He looks like he’s been kicked in the head by a mule.”

“It’s not his head that’s the problem. I accidentally unloaded my magic power on him, both barrels. According to Marie, I’ve knocked his ghost out of his body. We are trying to figure out where it is and get it back into him before…” My words trailed off because I couldn’t bear to vocalize my fear about Hunter’s ultimate fate if left in his condition.

“Oh no! How can I help? Just tell me what to do.”

“Max and I were just about to leave so we can go get a Ouija board. Marie said we would need it to find his ghost. There is one more thing she said.” Again I paused. It was hard to tell her without voicing the idea that we may be facing a hopeless cause. “She said something else, but don’t freak out on me when I tell you.”

“I’ll try not to.” Gertie reluctantly replied.

“She said his ghost was taken by another ghost or ghosts.” Gertie winced when I told her, but she remained calm.

Millie interjected. “Gertie, we’ll need you here tonight, along with Leigh’s other friends. The more people we have at the séance, the better chance we’ll have of finding him.”

“Leigh, would you mind if I came with you two to get the Ouija board? There is something else I need to talk to you about.” Gertie asked.

Now I was worried. What else could go wrong? I nodded and before long we were heading out the door, opting for my car instead of the broom. While I drove, Gertie told me what was on her mind. “I stopped by the school early this morning. I was surprised you weren’t there.”

“Really? Did you forget something in the classroom?”

“You could say that. The students told me that I could keep the golem decoration we made. I wanted to get there early before anyone else arrived at the school. When I arrived, I sort of crash landed right outside the library. I heard someone talking and I couldn’t help but listen to what they were saying.”

“Who was it? What were they talking about?”

“It was that librarian, Clarice. She was talking to a man that I think you told me was the principal. The other person was a woman that I know was the superintendent. I know it was her because I saw her picture on the wall outside of the office. They were talking about you. I heard Clarice say you were promoting the celebration of religious holidays. And something else, she said you were proselytizing your faith in the school. I’m not certain, but doesn’t she mean that you are preaching religion?”

“What?” I nearly slammed on the brakes. I knew Clarice was after me for letting the students enjoy Halloween. “That bitch! Halloween is not a religious holiday! And me preaching religion? Seriously? She is flat out lying!”

Max had been quietly soaking in the conversation. Finally he had to point out something that I think I knew but didn’t want to admit to. “I hate to tell you this, but you’re wrong, Leigh.” I truly despise being told I’m wrong after going on an energetic rant. “Halloween actually
is
a religious holiday. It is based on ancient druid religion and Pagan beliefs. They called it Samhain and today people that practice Wicca and Pagan beliefs celebrate the Samhain holiday. So technically, the librarian is correct about Halloween.”

“Fine. I unknowingly promoted a holiday that could be construed as religious in some abstract way. It certainly is a far cry from attempting to convert the entire citizenry of Lincoln Park into being Paganish or Witchian or whatever it’s called.” That was it! I had just uttered a great defense statement. I knew I would have to remember that line.

“Leigh, let me give you some advice. You have to pick your battles, maybe this is one you should just forfeit. You have enough on your mind right now.” Max said in a fatherly voice.

“Sorry, Max. I know what you are saying, but I’m not going to roll over for the likes of Clarice. I can handle her. If she thinks she will get me fired, she is sadly mistaken. She thinks she can be a bitch? Well, she just picked the wrong teacher to mess with. I can be a real bitch, too.” I had to think about it for a moment. Could I be a real bitch? “Well, I think I can. I mean, I’ve never tried to go all bitch before, but a good effort will produce good results. Or so I’ve always heard.”

Max looked at me in disbelief. “Just try to keep your cool, Leigh. When I was younger, I was always trying to take on the world. I’ve learned that you can’t change people overnight, no matter how hard you try. And you’re not going to get people to convert to Wicca overnight either.”

I pressed the brakes again. “Huh? Max, I was trying to say that I’m
not
trying to convert…Oh, never mind.” Max seemed like a nice man, but I’m pretty sure he killed off one too many brain cells over the years. “Max, I’m going to drop you off at your store so you can find whatever we’ll need for a séance tonight. I need to go to the school and get this straightened out.”

“That’s perfect. I’ll get some things together and pick up our van. I’ll meet you back at your place.”

We dropped Max off at his corner store. It was an old red brick building with large display windows. It looked like it was jam packed with brightly colored items that were made with blown glass, copper, and brass. There was no time to check it out. Gertie and I headed directly to the school.

Chapter Twelve

School Daze

Gertie and I walked down the hallway past my classroom and it already looked different. “Gertie! Look at the walls. All of the little witches the kids made are gone. So are the cute ghosts in the graveyard.”

“So are the little moon and star designs they made.” Gertie sadly pointed out.

“It makes me more sad than angry when I think about all of the work my students put into those projects.” I said as I stared at the spaces left empty by the actions of a tyrant.

“So you’re not angry? Good, because I have a confession. That papier-mâché golem should be coming alive any minute now, if it hasn’t already.”

“Huh? Wait a second. Did you just tell me that you’ve created a real golem? In my classroom?”

“Well…yes, but technically it’s not in your classroom. You put it in the library. I came back here to bring it back to the plantation. I wanted to have a golem that could take care of all the chores, then I would be able to get away and see Brad as often as I wanted.”

“Ugh! We have to find that thing. I have a confession to make, also. Golems are not good guys. They always turn out to be horrible monsters that go on killing sprees and destroy everything in their way.”

Gertie was stunned into silence, which is completely unlike her. I leaned my forehead against the wall and imagined several catastrophic scenarios made possible by a rogue golem. Suddenly, Gertie spouted a rapidly delivered explanation for creating such a monster. “Oh, I suppose that would have been good to know. I would never intentionally create a bloodthirsty killer that would go on a murdering rampage. I know I should have told you what I was going to do. I just didn’t want to upset you. I promised I wouldn’t bewitch Brad in any way and having a golem around seemed like a good solution. When I was at the anniversary dinner, Rabbi Magic Man was telling…”

That was the Gertie O’Leary I knew and loved. Her dizzying words spun around my ears and flew away. I knew what she meant. When she said something about magic Rabbi, my brain did a double take. I lifted my head away from the wall and gave Gertie a puzzled look. “Hold on. Did you say Rabbi Magic Man? Are you sure you didn’t just dream all of this?”

“No. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t a dream. I had a hard time pronouncing his name so I called him Magic Man. It’s kind of cute, don’t you think?”

“Okay, you mean Rabbi Majikovsky.” I placed my forehead against the wall and resumed my pose of despair. “All right, Gertie, go ahead and finish your story.”

“Okay. Well, he told me that according to the legends, once you place a special little scroll into its mouth, you have to wait until it wakes up the next morning before it comes alive. I kind of bewitched Rabbi Magic Man into giving me one of those scrolls. I think he called it a
Shem.
Anyway, today is Charlie’s birthday.”

I didn’t even bother to lift my head this time. “What? Charlie? Who?”

“Charlie. He’s my golem. That’s what I named him.”

“Charlie, yes of course. Why didn’t I think of that? Although, a vicious, homicidal, papier-mâché
atrocity would be better suited to a ferocious sounding name.” At least she hadn’t named him Mister Fluffy.

“I don’t think we should get too worried. After all, he is just made of paper. How much trouble could he really cause?” Gertie’s optimism was a little shaky. “Right, Leigh?”

“No, those things grow big and strong, at least that’s how the stories go. I’m talking Bigfoot on steroids strong. The papier-mâché is just his base form. Who knows what terrible thing Charlie will become? God forbid he should get ahold of an axe or a sickle like some of the old stories.” I was getting very nervous. Ever since I had a nightmare about a golem, I had done everything I could to prevent this very scenario from happening. Yet, there I was talking about a golem in the school. “Come on, Gertie, forget Clarice, let’s get to the library and see if we can find Charlie, maybe he hasn’t changed yet. Either way, we have to get him out of the school.”

Our pace quickened and we jogged down the corridor. When we got to the library, we peered in through the large glass panes that made a wall. Gertie was obviously nervous and she began humming some upbeat tune.

“Shhh, Clarice might hear you.” I whispered. All of a sudden I started to feel a little strange. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but it was like I was mentally detached from reality for a few seconds. I was also slightly nauseous.

Gertie noticed it also “Leigh? Are you all right? You look sweaty and pale.”

“I’m not sure. It must be all of the stress getting to me.” Then a new feeling washed over me. I had an uncontrollable urge to get truly mean, and that isn’t me. Oh, I’ve been known to have my share of sarcastic eruptions, but not the likes of what I spouted out next. “Don’t worry about that old bag. Do you want to know what her problem is? It’s her hair. It’s pulled up in that bun so damn tight it’s stretching her entire skin up. Her tits are up on her shoulders. Just imagine what that does to her crotch! She has to unhook her bra just to scratch her ass, it’s up so high.”

Gertie’s mouth dropped open. She was quite surprised by the folly of filth that sprang from my mouth. “Now you sound like Kelly when she’s having one of those snark attacks of hers.”

I couldn’t fight the compulsion to crack a couple more one-liners. It would make my Uncle Ron, the insult comic, proud. “It’s true. She’s such a bitch the DMV printed ‘Lost dog, reward offered’ on her driver’s license picture. She is such a bitch. Just last week Purina offered to put her picture on cans of dog food. Yeah, they even did a photo shoot. It didn’t work out. They couldn’t tell her ass from her face.”

“Jesus! Now you’re being downright insulting, Leigh.”

“I don’t know what’s gotten into me. Honestly.”

“Security! Security! There she is!” Clarice’s screeching voice scared the daylights out of both of us. We spun around to face my accuser. Clarice had heard every insulting word I had just uttered. “You!” She pointed to Gertie. “You do not have an identification badge. That makes you an intruder. I’ve called security and they will turn you over to the police.” Gertie was more shook up than I had ever witnessed before. “And as for
you,
Miss Epstein, we are going to the administrator’s office. You know full well that you were not allowed to force your class to secretly celebrate Halloween. That is a flagrant violation of school policy. So help me, you won’t be able to get a job teaching frogs how to be green by the time I’m finished with you. One more thing, if you think this is because I don’t like you, then you would be correct. I abhor you. You’re the kind of young sluts that tramp around and make it impossible for mature faculty members like me to get so much as one date.” She pointed her bony finger at us.

Clarice went on and on with her scorned woman tirade. Now it became perfectly clear what her problem really was. In Clarice’s mind, some imaginary young shlooche was always prowling around and luring men away from her. It couldn’t have anything to do with Clarice herself. No, not with her warm and pleasing personality. She needed to take it out on someone and I was a convenient target. Clarice saw me as the physical representation of the cliché young temptress that must haunt her nightmares. Of course, she couldn’t have been more wrong. I don’t see myself as looking the part at all. I’ve overheard Hunter describe me as the cute-girl-next-door type with just a dash of sexy and a good sense of humor. It was the best compliment I was
never
told. Hardly one of the promiscuous sirens Clarice despised.

I had enough of Clarice’s voice. The uncontrollable smartass within me reared its ugly head once again. “Excuse me, Clarice. I hate to interrupt you as you shower us with misplaced vilification, blame, and criticism caused by your deep seated personality disorders, but we are looking for that papier-mâché golem. We need to find it as soon as possible.”

“And just to be clear, I am
not
an intruder. I’m with Leigh.” Gertie matter-of-factly stated.

“I don’t much care what you have to say.
You
don’t have a badge. That makes you a trespasser subject to arrest. And, Epstein, I have proof of your religious zealotry. You two floozies come in here preaching all of your religious holidays in this public school. See this?” Clarice held up a little unrolled scroll of paper. Hebrew characters were written within a diagram to create a very complicated design. Clarice’s face puckered up as she visibly showed her disdain. She hissed. “Religious scriptures left around the library. Proof.”

She had found the magic Shem that Gertie had placed in the golem. I was instantly relieved. My eyes shot over to Gertie. She gave me a wink and I gave her a knowing smile. No more golem problem.

“Look at you two smiling and winking. You think you’re all young and cute, but in fact, you’re just common sluts.”

I didn’t realize that Gertie was truly insulted by the mad librarian. “Miss Clarice, how dare you call us sluts! You are the nastiest and meanest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met some pretty nasty witches.”

The color of Clarice’s face changed as if she were a chameleon on a bright red surface. I tried to think of what her new color was called. Vermilion. That was it. At least that’s what the crayon manufacturers label it as. Dark greyish-green veins rose up on her forehead and her eyes bugged out. Her teeth were visibly clenched in a weird grimace. Altogether she looked like a weightlifter trying to pick up a small car. Her hand slapped an intercom panel near the library entrance. “Security! Goddamn you overpaid snack hounds! I have an intruder! Come to the library. Now!” She glared at Gertie. “What did you call me? A witch? Why, you’re nothing more than a two bit harlot!”

Poor Gertie recoiled from Clarice’s stinging insult. You can only push someone so far, and Clarice had added the final straw to the proverbial camel’s back. Gertie’s psychotic follow-up move caught me by complete surprise. Perhaps she was afflicted with the same strange loss of self-control as I was. Gertie’s right arm sprang straight out and her little fingers pointed at Clarice. My gaze fixed on Gertie’s bright nail color. I recognized it as one of my favorites. “Hey, Gertie, is that OPI’s
Lucky Lucky Lavender
? I’ve been dying to get—”

Then it happened. An earsplitting clap of thunder cut me off in midsentence. I instantly dropped to the floor in terror as a blue arc shot from Gertie’s fashionably manicured fingertips and hit Clarice’s chest. A resulting blue mist enveloped Clarice. When it cleared, nothing remained of her but the smell of freshly burnt ozone.

“Fuck!” I was awestruck. “Gertie! What the hell?” Gertie didn’t move. She was paralyzed by the shock of having obliterated Clarice. Her arm was still pointing to where Clarice had been standing. “Gertie? Are you okay? Gertie?”

After a minute she snapped out of it. “What did I do? I…I didn’t know I could…”

“You mean
vaporize
someone? Well, I’m no expert, but I’d have to say you did a damn effective job of it.”

“Wait! There she is! I just changed her into a mouse! Thank you, God!” Gertie rejoiced and scrambled after the small white and black creature. She picked it up and put it in her purse.

“I wouldn’t say that committing a felony is a reason to rejoice to the Lord. Can you change her back? Not that I’m in any big hurry, mind you.”

“I have no idea. I’ve only created paranormal creatures from animals. This is new to me.”

One of the school security officers, Bill, walked around the corner. He was a big, gruff looking man with a full head of gray hair and a thick mustache. Despite his ornery appearance, he was a gentle giant. “Hi there, Leigh. And hello there, Miss. How
you
doing?” Bill eyeballed every inch of Gertie, and she forced a nervous giggle. Bill definitely liked the looks of Gertie.

I quickly brought him back to his job. “What brings you over here, Bill? Any problems today?”

“Have you seen Clarice? She called from an intercom around here.”

“No. No, I haven’t seen her. If I do, I’ll be sure to let her know you stopped by here.” I lied and Gertie nervously giggled. She pulled her purse up closer to her chest.

“Well, don’t worry about it. I know I won’t. That woman calls security six times a day minimum. She goes so far as to report kids talking in the library or some overdue book she wants to report as a theft. She even called to report ants in the reference section.
Ants
for Christ’s sake! Next thing you know, she’ll be having me track down mice. I just keep telling myself I only have to survive one more year of this. Then I’m retiring. I’ll see you later, I have to make some rounds.”

Mice
, he said. Now it was my turn to force an uncomfortable little laugh. “Okay, nice seeing you, Bill.” I took Gertie by the arm and we walked into the library. I glanced back and saw Bill round the corner on his merry little way.