Hawk: (25 page)

Hawk’s fingers itched to pull out his phone, so he ordered another beer instead. It wasn’t a smart thing to do. He’d already had too much, entirely too much. Slick had stopped serving him, so he’d taken to intimidating the other girl until the hops flowed freely. Maria looked about as happy about it as Slick, but so far she wasn’t saying anything about it. He stood up, swayed a moment, and stalked off to take a leak. If crowds parted for him on a regular basis, they fairly scattered like roaches at the sight of the lumbering Sioux shit-faced, simmering with anger.

On his way back to the table, the crowd did its usual impression of the Red Sea, save for one. He squinted at the rhinestone jean jacket and round toe cowboy boots. A woman he couldn’t quite place grinned at him. Hawk simply stood, more waiting for the goddamn bar to stop spinning than actually waiting for her to speak.

“Where you headed?” the woman asked with a drawl.

Hawk merely shrugged.

“Want to dance?”

He shook his head. It was unlikely he could manage such a task at this point.

He took a deep breath and blew it out, trying to clear his foggy brain.

The woman leaned toward him. “Wanna fuck?” she said in a husky tone.

It was then that Hawk recalled her, everything but her name. She’d swapped leather for denim, but the beauty mark above her eye gave her away. Her hair was the same dark brown as Tildy’s. Hawk reached out to run his fingers through it. It wasn’t quite as long as hers, but the color was almost the same.

“Listen,” she urged, leaning in close enough for him to get an eyeful of cleavage. “I said do you-”

Hawk grabbed her elbow and pushed her, turning her away from the dance floor and toward the kitchen. He ignored Maria’s hairy eyeball as he shoved open the swinging door. Thomas turned just long enough to recognize Hawk and directed his attention back to the grill. The woman, whose name he still could not remember, made no protest as he practically marched her through the kitchen and out the back door. The back alley was home to two dumpsters, one amber colored caged light above the door, and not much else.

Hawk spun them and pressed his back up against the hard brick facade of the bar. He pulled the brunette into his arms and clamped his lips down on hers. She made a frisky noise of approval, which Hawk pretty much ignored since it wasn’t a noise Tildy would ever make. The pulse of the jukebox could still be heard through the closed back door. Hawk swayed a little, caught himself, and snaked his hand inside the brunette’s t-shirt. She laughed, and he growled in irritation.

He planted his foot, turned them again, and this time she was the one against the wall. He fumbled a condom out of his wallet, nearly dropping them both. He tore open his fly and released his cock. The brunette purred appreciatively.

“Shut up,” he told her but not too harshly, more like a request.

“Hmmm,” the brunette replied and pulled him closer.

Hawk finished rolling on the rubber and started to yank down the brunette’s panties from underneath her skirt. He couldn’t manage it and still remain upright, so she pushed them down herself. They fell onto the dirty pavement. The brunette didn’t seem to care.

He put one large hand around each of her thighs and lifted her up. She gasped in delight as he sank her down on his cock. He buried his face in her chestnut hair and inhaled. Tildy smelled like sandalwood, fresh and clean. This woman smelled like stale beer and cigarettes. He gritted his teeth as he fucked her.

He’d been hard all night, thinking of Tildy’s bare pussy. He lifted the brunette and slammed her down again. He was already at the point of no return. He braced one hand against the brick wall to hold himself up. The other hand supported the brunette’s ass. Hawk felt his balls draw up, and he curled his hand, slamming his fist into the wall the moment he came.
It shouldn’t feel good
, he told himself.
It’s all wrong.

Hawk practically dropped the brunette and stumbled back. He ripped off the condom and tossed it in the vicinity of the dumpsters.

“Hey,” the brunette whined.

Hawk ignored her and zipped up his fly.

“Hey!” she said, a bit more loudly now.

“Shut up,” Hawk repeated and moved past her to the back door.

The brunette grabbed his arm, her nails digging into his skin. “Hey, asshole. What the fuck? This isn’t-”

“I said shut up!” Hawk bellowed and yanked his arm free. Her nails dragged across him, drawing blood. He thought that was fitting and grunted with satisfaction. As he reached for the door, it opened on its own. Hawk stumbled back in surprise, nearly landing on his ass. He sighed heavily as the Cowboy glared at him under the amber light.

“Having fun?” Tex drawled, eyeing first the brunette and then Hawk.

Hawk grunted in reply.

The brunette, still pissed off, stormed past Tex and back into the kitchen. Hawk looked around for a place to puke.

“Jesus H,” Tex muttered and slammed the door behind him as he stepped into the alley.

“Fuck off,” Hawk slurred. He attempted to pass by Tex, but the man put a hand on his chest.

“You’re done,” he told Hawk.

“Fuck
you
.”

“Say a word that’s more than one syllable and maybe I’ll let you go back inside.”

Hawk glared at him. “Asshole.”

Tex opened the passenger door to his Hummer and practically shoved Hawk inside. He slammed the door and stalked around the vehicle. He cranked the engine without so much as a glance at Hawk and pulled out of the lot.

They rode in silence for a while before Tex said, “You’re fucking girls in alleys now?”

Hawk leaned his head back on the seat and closed his eyes, willing his head to stop spinning. “Fucked Tildy in an alley,” he mumbled angrily.

Tex grunted. “That’s because you’re both cowards.”

“What?” Hawk demanded, opening his eyes and glaring at the other man.

“You heard me. You want each other, but you’re scared as hell to admit it. So you do that kind of crazy shit.”

Hawk shook his head. “She doesn’t want me. She’s marrying that asshole. Haven’t seen her take that ring off for good.”

“And then what, Hawk? Declare her undying love for you? And watch you walk away from her after she does? Then what happens to her? No fiancée, parents pissed as hell, and no white knight to save her.”

Hawk pressed his lips together. He didn’t want to be anyone’s savior; he couldn’t be. He failed his mother, failed Garrett. Who was he to save anyone at all?

Tex took Hawk’s keys and opened the front door for him. He shuffled inside, bracing one hand on the wall to keep himself upright. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d gotten this drunk. He squeezed his eyes shut and wished he could just get straight, sober up instantly. He made his way to the bedroom and managed to get his boots off after a few tries. His head swiveled to the sound of the Cowboy speaking in hushed tones. Hawk grunted. He was probably calling everyone to let them know what an asshole he was. He stripped down, throwing his clothes as far across the room as he could get them because they smelled like that skank from the alley, and Hawk didn’t want to be reminded of it.

His knuckles were bruised but not bleeding anymore, and he slipped between the sheets. It wasn’t long after he closed his eyes that he found sleep. With it, he was where he always was these days with rough terrain biting into the soles of his bare feet. The moon shone down, but all he could see around him was blackness. He never understood why it was always night in the dreams. He never found her, not once since she’d been rescued, not in the dream place. This time though, he felt hands, her hands, small and soft on his back. His heart leapt, and he turned to face her.

Her face was pale in the moonlight, her long hair cascaded around her shoulders. He sighed in relief. “I’m right here,” she told him.

He cupped her face with his hand. “I can’t hold on to you.”

“Yes, you can,” she replied and took hold of his wrist. She moved his hand down to her waist. He pulled her closer, caging her in his arms. Her sandalwood scent filled his nostrils.

She grasped his upper arm and ran her fingers over the nail marks in his skin. He closed his eyes. “She wasn’t you,” he said miserably. When he opened his eyes again, he saw fresh tears welling up in her eyes. A sharp pain struck him in the chest. He was a bastard for hurting her. He would always hurt her. He couldn’t help himself.

“
He’s
not you either,” she whispered.

Hawk pulled her close and held her fiercely. “I never find you,” he told her. “I’m not letting go. I’m not losing you again.”

“I’m here,” she repeated, sliding against him. It was then that he realized she was naked too.

He groaned as his mouth found hers. His head was spinning, and he felt a sharp sting of fear that if he let go she’d fade away into the canyons where he couldn’t find her. He rolled and pinned her down so she couldn’t disappear.

He slipped inside her. It felt like it had in the alley, that warm, wet memory of bare female flesh surrounding him, gripping him tightly. A good dream then, not a nightmare. He had her this time,
was
having her.

“Angel,” he breathed, pushing deep inside her. “You feel like Heaven.”

In the morning, Hawk opened his eyes and took a moment to focus on the hazy light filtering through the blinds. The spinning had stopped, but the nausea had set in. He closed his eyes again and groaned. His head throbbed painfully. He turned and pushed his face into the coolness of the pillow. It smelled like sandalwood.

He sighed and opened his eyes. He glanced around the room, located his clothes strewn all over the floor. He threw back the twisted sheets, stumbled into the bathroom, and splashed cold water on his face. As he turned off the faucet, he heard someone in the kitchen. His heart leapt, and he tugged on a pair of shorts before he headed through the bedroom door. His mood darkened as he found Tex standing at his toaster.

“Take those,” the Cowboy told him, not bothering to turn around. He simply jerked his head in the direction of the counter. Hawk discovered Tylenol and a glass of water. He couldn’t muster any gratitude as he washed the pills down.

“Why’d you call her?” he asked quietly, treating his pounding headache with kid gloves. What he really wanted to do was go another round with his so-called friend.

“Misery loves company.”

“Shouldn’t have called her.”

Tex set down a plate of dry toast in front of him. “You’re right,” he replied. “
You
should’ve called her.”

“She didn’t want me to,” Hawk said, remembering Tildy declaring them finished.

Tex snorted. “That girl would drop everything to be with you. She wants you more than you want her.”

“Not possible,” Hawk muttered, staring down at his plate.

“Then take her.”

He shook his head and pushed the plate away. “Can’t.”

“That’s bullshit.”

“I’d ruin her,” Hawk said, giving voice to his biggest fear.

“You already are,” Tex pointed out.

Despite his foggy, throbbing head, Hawk whirled on his friend. “Fuck you,” he snapped and then the rest of the previous night came crashing back. Snarking at Tex in the alley, the other things he’d done there. He glanced at the scratches on his forearm. Had Tildy seen them? Yes, she had. His wounds might be a little bloody, but they would’ve cut Tildy even deeper.

He opened his mouth to rail on Tex. What right did he have to call her?

“She’s a good girl,” Tex said, and Hawk closed his mouth. “A nice girl. Cut her loose or keep her forever, but decide right now.”

Hawk bristled. “If you wanted me to cut her loose, you shouldn’t have fucking
called
her!”

“I don’t want you to cut her loose. I want you to be happy. And you can be...
with Tildy. Let him go, Hawk. Bury him, even if he isn’t dead.”

Hawk rubbed his unshaven face with the palm of his hand. “Leave Garrett out of this.”

“I’m not talking about Garrett, and you know it. You’re not scared some chick is going to cheat on you, take half your money and your kids too. You’re afraid you’re
him
, that you’ll be the one stepping out.”

Hawk burned with anger as he faced off against his best friend. “They cut off my hair.” Tex said nothing, simply waiting. “They cut off my hair, and every time I looked
in the mirror I saw his face.”

“You’re not him.”

Hawk scowled. “I’ve got too much of him in me! You think I want to break her heart over and over ‘til one day it can’t be fixed, and she
dies
from it?”

Tex sighed. “Your mother had cancer, Hawk.”

“It was the broken heart that killed her! It made her weak, and the cancer took over. If he’d have stayed, if he’d have been a real man, she’d still be here.”

“Well, I’ve got some bad news for you. You’re already breaking Tildy’s heart.”

“She’ll get over it.”

Tex nodded. “Sure. Sure she will. Someday she’ll forget that she had feelings for you. And not long after that, being married to that asshole and controlled by her parents. Pretty soon, she won’t feel anything ever again, but you won’t get off that easy, because you’ll never forget. Tildy isn’t the kind of girl you get over, not a guy like you.”

Hawk’s brow furrowed. “What’s that supposed to mean? A guy like me?”

Tex smirked. “You hate everything and everyone.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Well, you don’t trust anyone. Except for us. You’re always waiting for the sky to fall. Then along comes Tildy. And no matter what happens to her, no matter what people do to her, she never loses faith. She just keeps believing that someone’s going to come along and love her. Because I think she knows she deserves it. But you? You don’t think you deserve it. Because every time you look in the mirror you see your horn dog old man, who’d rather fuck around and walk out on his wife and kids than be there for the people that need him. You’re not him.”

“And it’s not your job to save anyone,” Tex informed him. “Garrett’s decisions are on him. And whatever Tildy chooses to do, that’s on her. But you? Fucking random chicks, wishing they were her because you’re too scared to tell her that you’re willing to
try
? That’s on
you
.”

Hawk stood in his own kitchen and felt as helpless as he had when Tildy went missing. He realized he had nowhere to go. In the bathroom, he’d only see his father’s face, in the bed he’d smell his Angel and wish she was still there. On the kitchen table, he spied his laptop. He gazed at it intensely as his mind turned over and over. Could he
escape his past? Could anyone?

He wasn’t certain, but in that moment he wanted to believe it was true.