He Loves Me Not: Lily’s Story, Book 1 (15 page)

A
s I pulled
my sweater over my head, I couldn't miss the bruises that had formed on my upper arms. I was grateful the weather was still cold—that way it wouldn't seem odd that I was wearing long-sleeved shirts all the time.

Trevor had been very solicitous and kind to me ever since the incident several days before, and the idea that I'd made a mistake in marrying him had faded. I knew he loved me as I loved him.

I'll just have to make sure I don't lock him out again. I mean, how would I have felt if he’d locked me out when I was trying to talk to him?

I brushed my hair before leaving the bathroom, and when I watched Trevor sleeping, my heart blossomed with love. He was my husband and I wouldn't give up on our marriage.

I know his heart. He's a good man. He's not perfect, but neither am I.

I tiptoed to his side and kissed him.

He stirred and opened his eyes. “Oh, Lily. Are you leaving already?”

“Yes. I have to get to class.” I smiled down at him.

He gazed up at me, his blue eyes sleepy.

“What time do you have to be at work?” I asked.

Glancing at the bedside clock, he groaned. “In half an hour. I guess I'd better get up.”

I bent toward him to give him another kiss, and when he dragged me down on top of him, I laughed. “Trevor, not now. I have to go.”

“I'm sorry I couldn't be as dedicated to school as you are,” he said as he gazed into my eyes.

Love filled my heart as I stared into his eyes. “That's okay. You have to do what makes you happy.”

He wrapped his arms around me, nuzzling my neck. “The planets must have been lined up just right when you came into my life. I love you so much.”

I pressed my lips against his. “I love you, too.” I smiled. “Do you remember the day we met?”

“You mean when you nearly knocked me over?” He laughed. “How could I forget? And you looked so lost that morning.”

“You showed me where to go.” My eyes brightened in remembrance. “I think I fell in love with you that very day.”

His eyebrows shot up. “Really? Even after I stood you up?”

“Yeah,” I paused. “Why did you do that, anyway?”

“I think Rob needed me to do something for him at the shop.”

“You stood me up for him?” I asked in mock outrage. “How dare you!”

“Ah, come on. I didn't even know you yet. I had obligations.”

“Yeah, sure,” I said with a smile, then pushed myself off of his chest. “I really do have to go now. I'll see you tonight?”

He smiled. “Yes, you certainly will.”

As I walked to class, I thought about Trevor and his decision to drop out of school. Obviously getting an education wasn't as important to him as it was to me. But it was important to me that he was happy, and if that meant working at Rob's shop, then that was all right with me.

“
M
arriage must agree with you
,” Alyssa said as I sat across from her at lunch. “You look great.”

“Thanks.” I put a French fry in my mouth. “I'm so glad you were able to be there for our wedding. Did the Caldwell's take good care of you after I left?”

“Of course. They're very nice.”

“How are classes going?” I asked.

Alyssa picked up her fork. “Good. How about yours and Trevor’s?”

I bit my lip. “Mine are fine. But Trevor . . .”

Her eyebrows drew together. “What about him?”

Frowning, I went on. “He's not taking any classes.” I watched her face. “He dropped out of college.”

Alyssa set her fork down. “When did this happen? Why didn't you tell me before?”

“I . . . I only found out myself the other day.” I unconsciously rubbed the places on my arms where the bruises were.

“You mean he didn't tell you before the wedding?” She shook her head.

“Come on.” I wanted to improve Alyssa's opinion of Trevor. “I'm okay with it. He's happy working at the auto body shop. I want him to be happy.”

“But, Lily, don't you see? He should have talked it over with you first.”

I had my own frustration with Trevor’s decision and didn't want to hear my thoughts echoed in Alyssa's words. “He's my husband now and I don't feel comfortable with you saying those things about him.”

She sighed. “Fine. I'll keep my thoughts to myself.” She picked up her fork again and began eating her salad.

I watched my friend and felt bad for censoring her, but I wasn't up to hearing bad things about Trevor. I had my own conflicting feelings to deal with.

The apartment was empty when I got home, and I knew Trevor would be at work until late that afternoon.

At least he's bringing in a regular paycheck
.

I booted up my computer, preparing to work on a programming assignment I'd been given, but decided to check my e-mail first as my professor had said he might be sending some information to the students.

I recognized my professor's e-mail address.

Yes, there it is.

There were a couple of other e-mail messages there as well—one was a mass mailing to all students, and the other email address was one I didn't recognize. I clicked on the unknown one first.

The moment I started reading it, I realized it was from the sender of the anonymous notes, e-mails and picture.

I'm sorry if I frightened you. That was my intent at first. I wanted to scare you away from Trevor Caldwell because he's not a nice man. You wouldn't listen. I heard you and Trevor are getting married. I hope it's not too late to call it off.

Adrenaline surged through my veins, and I took a deep breath to calm myself as I read the message again. It was unsigned and I had no idea who’d sent it. The incident that had occurred a few days earlier blazed into my head, but as I contemplated whether to reply to the message, Trevor’s key turned in the lock.

Terrified he’d see the message, I exited the email program—but didn't delete the message.

“Hi, honey. I'm home,” he said as he closed the door behind him.

I looked up, hoping my face looked normal. “Hi. How was work?”

He came over and kissed me fervently on the mouth. “Mmmm. It's much nicer being home with you.”

I kissed him back, squeezing my eyes closed as I tried to push the message out of my mind.

“What's for dinner?” he asked, flopping on the couch. “I'm starved.”

“I was going to make a casserole. Do you want to help me?”

Eyes closed, he rested his head against the cushions. “I'm too tired.” He lifted his head and smiled. “Do you mind doing it by yourself? I just want to veg for a while.”

“No problem, Trevor.” As I went into the kitchen and began pulling out pots and pans, the message went through my mind, but I shook my head, angry with myself for believing some anonymous person about my husband.

He’s not a bad person. Not perfect, maybe. But certainly not bad.

I opened the refrigerator and took out the ingredients I’d need.

I have to trust myself. I know him better than most anyone. I can't let some stranger play with my mind like that. He loves me and I love him, and one day I want to have children with him.

I smiled at the last thought.

Or at least practice a lot.

I could hear him grumbling in the other room. “What's wrong, honey?” I called out.

He came into the kitchen, the remote control in his hand. “We really need a new TV. The screen is so small on that one that I have to sit right in front of it to see anything at all. And half the time the sound doesn't work.” He set the remote on the counter as a smile slowly formed on his mouth. “What do you say? Should we splurge and get a decent one?”

I considered the idea. “Sure, why not? Our first big purchase together.”

He grabbed me around the waist and spun me around. “Great. Let's go tonight.”

Laughing, I shook my head. “I can't. I have a programming project due tomorrow and I'm still having a lot of problems with it. What about Saturday?”

Trevor set me back down. “I could go get one tonight.”

I turned on the oven and started grating the cheese. “Don't you want to go together?”

“Of course I do, but I don't want to wait two more days. It's not a big deal. I'll just go pick one up.” He leaned against the counter.

“How much money do you plan on spending?” I asked, setting the chicken on the cutting board and reaching for a knife.

“Only a few hundred dollars, I guess.”

I looked at him. “That's a lot of money, don't you think?”

“Not really. Besides, Rob gave me a bonus today. That should cover it.” Trevor took out two plates and set them on the table.

I began slicing the chicken and dropping it into a pot of water. “What was the bonus for?”

Trevor dug through the silverware drawer. “You know, working extra hours, that type of thing.”

“Oh.” I was surprised to hear that Rob was such a generous person. “That was nice of him.”

Trevor looked at me as he pulled glasses out of the cupboard. “That's why I like working there. Rob takes good care of his employees. That's worth something, you know.”

“I had no idea, but I'm glad to hear it.”

“How long until that casserole will be ready?” he asked as he placed the glasses on the table.

“I don’t know. Forty-five minutes or so.” I scrubbed the cutting board with hot soapy water before putting it back in the cupboard. “Why?”

He smiled mischievously. “I thought if there was time I could run over to the electronics store right now and get that TV.”

“Trevor,” I laughed. “You're just like a little kid. At least wait until we eat.”

“Okay, okay,” he laughed. “You win. But I'm going as soon as we're done eating.”

True to his word, Trevor was out the door the minute we finished cleaning up. I immediately went to work on my programming project, and I was so immersed in it that I didn't realize how long Trevor had been gone until he walked through the door and I looked at the clock. “It's a good thing you didn't go while dinner was cooking,” I said. “It's been two hours. You would've missed dinner.”

He smiled happily. “Yeah, it took a little longer than I thought it would.”

I watched his face. “Well? Where is it?”

He grinned. “You’ll see it in a few minutes. It wouldn’t fit in my car so I got them to deliver it.”

“I'm impressed you got them to deliver it tonight.”

“I told the salesman that I'd only buy it if they promised to deliver it tonight.”

I laughed. “You drive a hard bargain.” My eyes narrowed. “How much did you spend? I can't imagine they'd make such a bargain for a TV that costs only a couple hundred dollars.”

Trevor seemed to avoid my eyes. “Just wait. You'll be able to see for yourself. I'm sure you'll approve.”

The doorbell rang and Trevor dashed to open it. I couldn't see the men on the doorstep, but was quite astonished at the size of the box they carried in.

They were gone a short time later, and as I watched him excitedly open the box, I ground my teeth together. “We never agreed to you buying a big screen TV, Trevor.”

His obvious joy faded. “I don't have to ask your permission. It's my money. I worked very hard for it, too, I might add.”

Too tired to argue, I said, “Fine, whatever. I'm going to bed.” I shut down my computer and went to bed, falling asleep long before Trevor finally joined me.

A
ll Saturday afternoon
Trevor sat in front of his new television and watched sports. I had a lot of homework and also wanted to get the apartment cleaned, and as I scrubbed the toilet I heard him yelling at the announcer on the TV. Frustrated that he was just sitting around when I had a million things to do, I stewed, but didn’t say anything.

I finished the bathroom and brought my laptop into the bedroom to get a head start on the next week’s programming project, and while my computer booted up, I gathered the papers that explained the assignment and spread them out on the bed around me.

Knowing Trevor was occupied with the TV, I decided to open my student email account and reread the awful email I’d received.

I'm sorry if I frightened you. That was my intent at first. I wanted to scare you away from Trevor Caldwell because he's not a nice man. You wouldn't listen. I heard you and Trevor are getting married. I hope it's not too late to call it off.

With a glance toward the living room, I pressed the Reply button.

I don't know who you are or what your agenda is, but Trevor and I are already married. I love him with all my heart and I would appreciate it if you wouldn't contact me again.

I clicked Send and prayed that would be the end of it, and as I contemplated my new marriage, I thought about the fact that the first year could sometimes be difficult as the spouses got used to living together and got used to each other's habits.

We'll get through it. I know we will.

The thought cheered me immensely as I signed off my email account and started on my assignment.

O
ver the next
two weeks I kept busy with schoolwork, and as the first anniversary of my father's death approached, I was grateful for the distraction. I didn't know how I would react to that important date, and I considered just staying home in bed, but knew that would be a bad idea.

It would be better to keep busy and act as if things are all right.

I'd told Alyssa about the anniversary and she had agreed that it would be best if I went to classes, even if concentrating would be difficult.

On the morning of the anniversary of my father's death I woke early and couldn't fall back asleep. I snuggled up to Trevor and thought about how much my life had changed in the last year. I'd gone from being orphaned to being a happily married woman. It was amazing to me that my life could change so drastically in such a short period of time.

I lay in bed and stared at the ceiling until the sun came up and it was time to get ready for the day. As usual, Trevor was still asleep by the time I was ready to walk out the door, and when I woke him, I felt much sadder than I’d thought I would.

“Is it time to get up already?” he asked as he rolled onto his back.

On the verge of tears, I reconsidered whether I should go to school. What I really wanted was for Trevor to gather me in his arms and tell me everything would be all right. “It's seven-thirty, Trevor.” I spoke softly and had to control my voice to keep it from shaking. “Don't you need to get ready for work?”

“Yeah, I do.” He sat on the side of the bed and looked at me. “Is something wrong?”

I nodded, tears close to the surface.

“Well, what is it? I can't read your mind.” He shook his head.

His reaction was not what I'd hoped for and the tears started leaking out. I was afraid to speak for fear my voice would crack.

“Lily, come on. You know how much I hate these guessing games.” He stared at me. “Are you going to tell me what the problem is or not?”

“Don't you remember?” The notion that he’d forgotten a day that was so important to me was stunning.

He looked completely clueless. “I can't keep track of everything.”

My sadness was being replaced by anger. “My dad . . . died . . . one year ago.”

Remembrance dawned. “Oh, yeah. Now I remember you telling me.” He reached toward me. “I'm sorry, Lily. I'm such an idiot. Please forgive me.”

When he finally drew me into his arms and held me while I let the tears fall, relief that he cared swept over me.

“Are you sure you should go to school today?” he asked when my tears slowed.

I shrugged, then pulled back to look at him. “Can you stay with me today if I decide not to go?”

He grimaced. “Sorry, but I have to work.”

“Can't you call in sick or something? Take a personal day?” I really didn't want to stay home by myself.

“I can't do that to Rob. He's counting on me to show up today. We have a lot to do.”

“What about me? I'm your wife. Don't you know I'm counting on you, too?”

I can’t believe he’s putting Rob before me.

His arms went up in surrender. “Hey, don't put me in that kind of position, Lily. I have a responsibility to support this family and I can't just decide I don't want to go to work.” His arms came down and he gave me a patronizing look. “As long as I'm the only one bringing in the money I have to take my commitment seriously.”

Stung, I said, “What are you saying? That I'm a drain on your income?”

He rubbed my back. “No, not at all. You're doing what you should by getting your education. I'm just saying I don't have the luxury of taking a day off whenever I don't feel up to it.”

“Don't feel up to it?” My anger was replaced by outrage. “Is that what you call it? My father
died
one year ago today! When's the last time you lost someone close to you?” Hot tears fell from my eyes. “How dare you imply that it's a luxury for me to grieve!”

Trevor shook his head as he stalked to the bathroom, and when I heard the shower turn on, I went into the kitchen and blew my nose and splashed cold water on my face before grabbing my backpack and heading out the door.

My body was tense as my heart raced.

He doesn’t understand anything.

When I got to Humanities class my anger hadn’t abated at all, and when I didn’t see Justin, I sat in an empty chair and lay my head on my arms on the table. A moment later someone tapped my shoulder. I looked up, and when I saw Justin holding a bouquet of flowers in one hand and a box of chocolates in the other, my anger evaporated, replaced with delight.

“Good morning, Lily,” he said as he set the items on the table in front of me. His face became serious. “How are you doing?”

Fresh tears filled my eyes. “How did you know?”

He smiled warmly. “Alyssa told me. I thought you might be feeling sad today so I took it upon myself to get you a pick-me-up. I'm sure your husband's already done this, but I figured more wouldn't hurt.”

My throat thickened with tears at at the mention of Trevor. I was embarrassed to admit that not only hadn't he thought to do anything like this, he had completely forgotten about the significance of the date and then sent me off to school feeling even worse than when I'd woken up. “Thank you, Justin. This was very thoughtful of you. You have no idea how much it means to me.”

He smiled, then sat beside me.

As I studied at home that afternoon I glanced at the flowers in the vase every time I felt tears threaten. Seeing them on the kitchen table made me feel much better. I'd met Alyssa for lunch and had again felt blessed to have such caring friends. I didn't have a lot of friends, but the ones I had meant everything to me.

When Trevor came home in the early evening, I was pleasantly surprised by what he held in his hands.

“These are for you, Lily. Kind of a peace offering, I guess.” He held out a beautiful arrangement of flowers and a handful of balloons.

I was in a forgiving mood and took them from him with a smile. “Thank you. That’s very sweet of you.”

He took the arrangement out of my hands and set it on the coffee table before pulling me into his arms. “I'm sorry I blew it so badly this morning. Can you forgive me?”

I nodded against his shoulder. “Of course I do. You know I do.”

Trevor lifted my chin and kissed me gently on the lips. “I'm taking you out to dinner tonight. Wherever you want to go. How does that sound?”

“That sounds wonderful.” Beyond pleased that he’d come through after all, I beamed.

“Grab your sweater and let's get out of here.”

It wasn't until we got back that Trevor noticed the flowers on the kitchen table. He walked over to them and fingered a petal, then gazed at me. “Where'd you get these?”

Wariness cascaded over me. “A friend gave them to me at school today.”

He smiled tentatively. “What friend?”

As much as I wanted to lie, it made me feel uncomfortable to do so. Instead I tried to avoid a direct answer. “Just a friend. Are you ready to go to bed? I'm tired.”

He stepped in front of me, all traces of his smile gone. “Who?”

I rubbed the place where the bruises had been. They were faded now, but the memory was still fresh.

“Were they from Alyssa?”

I didn't meet his eyes as I nodded.

Trevor lifted my chin to force our eyes to meet. “That was nice of her.” He smiled but it didn't reach his eyes. “Let's go to bed.”

I followed him into our bedroom.