Healing Rain (10 page)

When I felt all talked out, I stood up. “Well, Mom, I'm tired. I'm going to head to bed.”

She nodded. “Yeah, me too. Hey, do you think any of these new friends of yours go to church? I hate that we haven't made it to any services around here. We really need to find a church home.”

I shrugged. “I have no idea, Mom. We haven't even talked about it.”

“Really?” Her surprise was obvious. “I thought that was something you usually talked about right away.”

I glared. “I just met these people, Mom. I'm sorry I haven't found out every little detail about their lives yet.”

The sudden coldness my voice wounded her. “Hey, no reason to get hateful with me, young lady. I just meant that back in St. Louis, you were so active in church and your faith was such a huge part of your life. We've been here for a while now and we've barely even mentioned church. Of course, with everything we've been through, I guess time has just gotten away from us lately. It's been hard with me working so much, but our lives are just not complete without a church family.”

“Mom, no offense, but our incomplete lives have nothing to do with the lack of church family right now.” I kept my voice soft, trying to keep any edge out of it so I wouldn't hurt her feelings. “What we lost was a lot more than our church.”

She was silent for a moment, considering my words. I avoided her eye contact at all costs – I was afraid I would burst into tears. Finally, she spoke. “Rain, when's the last time you talked to God?”

I shrugged. “I don't know,” I lied. The truth was, I knew exactly when the last time had been. I had prayed in the car on my way home from school, as I often did, a few months back. I even remember what I was praying about – at school that day, a friend of mine had written me a note, thanking me for helping her out when her mom was in the hospital. She told me how grateful she was for my family, as Mom and I had cooked meals for them and Dad collected money at church for their medical bills. Because of what we had done, my friend and her family had decided to begin attending our church. I was overwhelmed with humility and gratitude, and as I drove home that day, I thanked God for all the blessings in my life. I finished my prayer just as I pulled in the driveway. When I went inside, I found my dad's body in a pool of blood in his office. After that moment, I just didn't have anything else to say to God.

“Matthew 11:28,” she said quietly.

I flinched, looking into her eyes for the first time since the conversation began. “Come unto me, all that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest,” I recited from memory.

It was one of my favorite verses from the Bible – a verse that had always given me so much comfort. A promise of rest when you are weary. Months ago, I would have found so much strength, so much assurance in that verse. But tonight, the hope it used to fill me with was nowhere to be found. Before my dad died, I had no idea what it meant to be “heavy laden.” I wasn't sure I would ever truly find any rest again.

“Rain, I know we've been through some crazy stuff lately,” Mom said, reaching forward to take my hand. “But you spent the first sixteen years of your life holding fast to the promises of your faith. Don't throw it all away because we hit hard times. How many men in the Bible fell on hard times? Did Job throw away his faith when he lost everything?”

“No,” I admitted.

“Don't give up on God,” she continued. “He's got a plan for you yet. You trusted Him in your good times; you have to trust Him in your bad times, too.”

I nodded, pulling my hand out of her grasp. “Good night, Mom.”

I didn't even wait for her reply before I bolted to my room. Her words struck a chord somewhere deep inside of me. I knew the stories – I admired the faithful men of God I had grown up reading and learning about and had always told myself that no matter what the situation, I would trust in Him.

But it was easy to think that way when my life was perfect. It was easy to trust in God when he blessed me over and over, every day. As I changed into my comfy shorts and T-shirt to sleep in, a thought occurred to me. Was I a modern-day Job? Was this all simply a test of my faith?

I smirked. Who did I think I was? I was no Job – someone that God would handpick out of the masses and say, “Here you go, devil. Do your worst.” I couldn't compare myself to Job – God allowed Satan to take his family, his possessions, and even his health, and he still remained firm in his faith. What my family went through was terrible, but it wasn't Job-status. I should be thanking God for what I still had.

But I just couldn't bring myself to do it. How could I ever thank Him again when that “blessed” life I had turned out to be a giant lie?
What did I do to deserve this?

I rolled over onto my side, blinking back tears. I couldn't turn to God, not after what I'd been through. That chapter of my life was over.

 

 

“Let's talk about these dreams you're having. Are they still frequent?” Dr. Hope asked.

I nodded. Suddenly I felt shy and quiet.

“How frequent would you say?” she asked, leaning forward and watching my face carefully.

“Um, not as frequent as before. They used to be constant. As soon as I would fall asleep, I would see it all over again,” I told her.

“And now?”

“Um…I would say, probably, two or three a night. It's getting better,” I said hopefully.

“And each night, it's always exactly the same?”

I sighed and nodded. “Yeah. It's basically an exact re-enactment of that day. I come home and see the exact same note from Mom, and even eat the same snack she had left for me. I go and look for Dad, just like I did on that day, and I go to his office. I always see the blood, and sometimes that's all I see before I wake up. But sometimes, I see him, too, and I see the gun beside him.” I felt the tears welling up and stopped talking abruptly.

She nodded. “Well, that was a very traumatic experience for you. It's natural that you would have dreams about it, even months later. I wish I could tell you that it will go away in time, but it may never go away completely. You may still dream about it years from now. Of course, not as frequently as you do now,” she said, seeing the look of horror on my face. “It's a good sign that they're starting to fade, though. Does that mean you're sleeping better these days?”

“Yes,” I told her truthfully. “It doesn't take hours to fall asleep anymore. I think school starting again has helped that. I feel pretty exhausted by the time my head hits the pillow.”

“Let's talk a little bit about school. We haven't really discussed it much. Now that you've been back for a couple of weeks, how do you like it?”

I smiled. “I actually really like it. My teachers are pretty cool, for the most part. I have one teacher, Mrs. White, that I really like. English isn't usually my favorite subject, but I think I'm going to like it best this year.”

She smiled back. “That's good. I can see a difference in you now that you're back in school. You seem happier. Tell me about the students. I know you told me last week about your new friends, but only briefly. Are they still the people you hang out with most?”

I nodded. “Actually,” I began shyly, “Ethan and I are getting more serious, I think,” I told her.

“The same Ethan who took you and Tyler to the car show recently, I assume?” she asked.

“Yes,” I said. I couldn't help but smile like a silly little girl whenever I talked about him. “The whole school pretty much knows we're dating now. He takes me and Tyler to school every day, and he walks me to my classes whenever he can. It was funny; when people first saw us together, everyone stared at us. I know that sounds ridiculously paranoid, but it's true. I guess it's because Ethan's popular and I was new or something…people were curious. But I think they have gotten used to it now. I've been going to his football games, and we always go out afterward. Usually with the whole group, but sometimes just the two of us. He really wants to take me on an actual date, but there's always something in the way. Between his football and my babysitting for Tyler, it's hard to find a weekend night when we're both free. But he comes over when I babysit, even during the week, once in a while. Tyler adores him.” As I felt myself rambling, I stopped. I kept catching myself gushing when it came to Ethan, and I was trying to stop it. It always got on my nerves when other girls did that about their boyfriends. And Ethan wasn't even my boyfriend…or at least, not that we had officially discussed. Like he said, we were getting to know each other better, and seeing where it went.

She listened closely, nodding and smiling. “It sounds like Ethan dominates most of your social time.” Ouch. She didn't say that in a negative way, but it somehow still stung. “How about the girls in the group? Do you still get along with them?”

I nodded. “One of the girls, Anna, I get along with best. She is really busy too, because she cheers for football, but we hang out a lot at school. We have two classes together, so we do homework together some days at each other's houses. Two other girls, Melissa and Brooke, are really nice too, but they both have boyfriends so I don't see them quite as much. Just after football games, when we all go out. They both cheer, too. Then there's this other girl that hangs out with us. Her name's Alexis. I can't say we like each other much.”

That was an understatement. After Anna had told me that she had family issues, I had decided to make my best effort to get along with her, but she was making it impossible. She did not like the fact that Ethan and I were dating, and took every opportunity to try to make me look stupid in front of him. She was so sly about it, though, so that it wasn't an obvious put-down – she would just make little comments about my clothes or the fact that I didn't have a car or a cell phone. You know, things like, “
Rain, could you drive?
Oh, wait, I keep
forgetting you don't have a car
,”
or “
We would have texted yo
u, but you don't have a cell
.” Little comments that weren't blatantly obvious jabs, but they were still jabs, nonetheless. “But we are pretty civil to each other, for the sake of the group. We hang out with the same people.”

Once I stopped talking, she said, “So, all your girlfriends are cheerleaders. Are you still thinking you're going to try out for basketball season?”

I shrugged. “I don't know. In a lot of ways, I really miss it. When I go to the games and watch the squad, I really just want to be out there with them. I especially miss the tumbling part.”

She tilted her head. “If you miss it, then what's your hesitation?”

I sighed and thought about my answer. “It's hard to explain. I feel like, that was part of the old me, ya know? I don't know if I really miss it because I wish I was doing it, or if I just think I miss it because I was used to it. I don't know if I'm explaining that right or not. It was like, up until six months ago, I thought I loved it. But then, after everything that happened, I started having second thoughts. I had poured so much of my life into sports and clubs, and so did my friends, you know? But then, when things went south with my friends and I felt so lost, I started to rethink my choices. I'm just not sure if I really made decisions because of
me
, or because of my friends.”

She nodded. “That makes sense. So tell me this, Rain: who are you making decisions for now? You, or your friends?”

I gave her a confused look. “What do you mean?”

“Well, when I ask you about school, all you can talk about is Ethan and your friends. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that; it's great that you're getting involved with other people and enjoying your social life. But, what I'm wondering is, what do you do that makes
you
happy? Just
you
.”

I thought for a few minutes before I could answer. At first I felt defensive, as several things came to my head.
Hanging
out with Ethan makes me happy.
Laughing with Anna, Brooke and Melissa makes me happy.
But I knew that wasn't what she meant, and she had a point. I sighed. “To be honest, I don't know how to make myself happy anymore. I don't know who I am sometimes.”

She raised her eyebrows. “Well, that's something I want you to think about for Monday. Over the weekend, I want you to make a list of things that you like to do. Things that are just for you. Bring it with you to Monday's session. Can you do that?”

I gave her a half-smile. “I'll try.”

“Good. Even if it's just a couple things, we'll go from there. But now, I'm afraid our time is up. Enjoy your weekend, and I will see you on Monday.”

“Bye, Dr. Hope,” I said as I grabbed my purse and headed for the door.

As I walked across town back to my apartment, I thought about what she had said. I felt suddenly unsettled. I was putting a lot of faith in Ethan and my new friends, letting them make me happy. But I felt like I was falling back into the same pattern I had gotten into at my old school. And look where that got me. After my overdose, my friends had abandoned me; I was completely and utterly alone. I couldn't stand the thought of going through that again. What if they all found out about what had happened? Where would I be if I lost them? Or even if they never found out, and I managed to keep it a secret forever, there was still the possibility that Ethan and I may not work out. If we didn't, I would probably basically lose the whole circle of friends.

I suddenly felt determined to find myself. I spent all my free time with Ethan, or daydreaming about Ethan, which was something I knew I didn't want to stop doing. But, I suddenly felt the urge to get involved in something else – some kind of hobby that I could do outside of Ethan and Anna and even Tyler and my mom. I needed something that I could do for
me
.