Healing Your Emotional Self (17 page)

various other activities, survivors can gain a clearer image of themselves—their likes, dislikes, values, goals, and dreams.

Parents project their own unresolved issues onto their children. In order to heal from the damage this causes, adult children need to reject the distorted mirror their parents put on them and create a new mirror that reflects more accurately who they actually are.

Those who were emotionally abused or neglected as children tend to either become numb to their emotions, feel sideswiped by them, or feel overwhelmed when their emotions build up.

Mirror Therapy Assignment #8: Accepting and Embracing Your Less- Than-Ideal Self

1. Refer back to the description of yourself and the list you made earlier in this chapter. Go through your description and make two lists, the first being all your positive qualities, abilities, talents, and areas of growth. The other list will include negative qualities, traits, limits, and bad habits.
   

2. Now read over your list of positive qualities and really take them in. Allow yourself to feel the pride that comes from acknowledging that you do, in fact, possess these good qualities.
   

3. Read over your list of negative or less-than-perfect quali- ties. Try to be neutral and simply acknowledge these aspects of yourself without becoming critical of yourself. For example, say, “It is true that I tend to be impatient and critical and that I lack very much athletic ability.”
   

4. Decide which of your less-than-perfect qualities you wish to work on and which ones you need to simply accept. For example, “I wish I was not so impatient and critical, and I am working on it. As far as my lack of athletic ability, I think I just need to accept that I will never be a jock.”
   

5. Take still another look at your list of your best attributes (your sense of humor, your intelligence, your generosity,
   

   your courage, your strong legs, your shiny hair, your smile, your ability to dance, your ability to empathize with oth- ers). Now read this list out loud. Notice how you feel when you read the list. If you feel shy about your positive attrib- utes, try reading the list louder, with a stronger voice. Feel pride as you read about what a great person you are!
   

6. Pick out two or three items that you would like to reinforce in yourself. Make a concerted effort to acknowledge these traits and/or to reinforce these behaviors whenever you can. Praising or rewarding yourself each time you become aware of these traits or behaviors will help to raise your self-esteem.
   

   9
   

   Providing for Yourself What You Missed as a Child
   

   The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.
   

   —C
   ARL
   R
   OGERS
   

   Self-nurturing means, above all, making a commitment to self-compassion.
   

   —J
   ENNIFER
   L
   OUDEN
   ,
   The Woman’s Comfort Book
   

   The feeling of being valuable—“I am a valuable person” is essential to mental health and is a cornerstone of self-discipline . . . because when one considers oneself valuable one will take care of oneself in all ways that are necessary. Self-discipline is self-caring.”
   

   —M. S
   COTT
   P
   ECK
   ,
   The Road Less Traveled
   

   I
   N THIS CHAPTER WE ARE GOING
   to focus on helping you to provide for yourself many of the things you missed out on as a child—namely, empathetic mirroring and nurturing and responsive parenting.
   

   To grow up to be a whole person, infants, toddlers, and children in their formative years need the experience of genuine acceptance. They have to know they are truly seen and yet are perfect and lovable
   

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   in their parents’ eyes. They need to stumble and sometimes fall and to be greeted by a father’s or a mother’s sympathetic concern. Through parental acceptance, children learn that their essential selves merit love. In other words, when the mirror we gazed into is clear and undistorted, we see ourselves as we truly are. Unfortunately, children raised by overly critical, narcissistic, or demanding parents have their essential self rejected by their parents.
   

   In an ideal world, our parents or primary caretakers were genuinely concerned about us when we were hurt. They tended to our wounds and spoke to us in a loving tone, and they let us know through their words and actions that they understood what we were experiencing— thus providing an accurate mirror. We felt accepted and understood.
   

   When a child is treated with empathy, that is, when parents accu- rately understand and sensitively respond to the child’s thoughts and feelings, she learns that she is worthy of love and is worthwhile. The child’s empathy and compassion for herself increases by leaps and bounds as she mirrors what the outside world has revealed to her about her self-worth. If, on the other hand, a child is not given this empathetic mirroring, she doesn’t feel loved and is not able to feel compassion toward herself. In this chapter you will learn how to love and accept yourself as you really are and to provide this positive, empathetic mirroring for yourself.
   

   Children also need a combination of what Laurel Mellin, the cre- ator of the Solutions Program and
   The Pathway
   , calls a “nurturing, responsive internal mother” and a “safe, powerful, internal father.” In this chapter you will also learn how to become your own nurturing mother and limit-setting father. Equally important, you will learn how to soothe yourself in healthy ways.
   

   How to Provide Empathetic Mirroring for Yourself
   

   Elan Golumb, the author of
   Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in Their Struggle for Self
   , writes about the importance of what she refers to as “the rounded eye”: “All children need the beneficial glance of what I call the rounded eye, one that does not
   

   focus on and evaluate parts of our being. The rounded eye looks on all unconditionally. It gives us acceptance and heals the damage of our upbringing.”
   

   If you were emotionally abused, you were likely raised under your parents’ ignoring or scrutinizing gaze. Growing up under such a regime, you may have felt at times as if you were a bug under a micro- scope. At other times you may have felt like a child abandoned in a corner. As a result you may have internalized the quest for your flaws and begun to watch yourself in a critical and rejecting way. Your par- ents’ scrutiny turned your spontaneity into paralysis. Instead of feeling free to explore the world and to discover the things you loved to do, you learned to constrict yourself in order to get away from parental criticism. In order to counter these tendencies and correct your dis- torted self-image, you need to work on accepting yourself just the way you are.
   

   Looking at yourself with a rounded eye is looking with compassion instead of constantly judging yourself. Here are some suggestions to help you trade in your critical eye for a compassionate one:
   

   • Whenever you make a mistake or fail to reach a particular goal, instead of letting your inner critic take over and chastise you mercilessly, tell yourself, “I did the best I could” or, “I’m only human and humans make mistakes.” This is not the same as making excuses for your behavior; it is just a compassionate acknowledgment that we can all fail, even when we try our hardest. You will be far more motivated to try harder the next time if you talk to yourself in a kind, understanding way than if you tear down your self-esteem.
     

   • Whenever you make a mistake or fail to reach a particular goal, remind yourself that your value is not dependent on your achievements. Remind yourself that you have inherent value and worth—your essential self.
     

   • Whenever you fail to reach a goal, ask yourself whether your goal was a reasonable one. Did you set your sights too high, con- sidering who you are today and your present circumstances? Often we set goals or have expectations of ourselves that are not reasonable. Begin to set more reasonable expectations for your-
     

     self. Instead of setting goals that are impossible to reach, set goals that are possible and will give your self-esteem a boost when you reach them.
     

     Creating a Nurturing Inner Voice (Mothering)
     

     One of the primary ways of providing positive empathetic mirroring for yourself is by creating an internal nurturing voice. Creating a nur- turing inner voice can help to soften and balance the negative intro- ject. It is like giving to ourselves the responsive parent that so many of us did not have.
     

     How do you create a nurturing inner voice? How do you substi- tute a more positive, responsive voice to take the place of the internal- ized critical voice of your parents? Just as you need to plant seeds or bulbs in order to get a garden, you need to plant a nurturing voice in yourself.
     

     1. Begin by going inside yourself and consciously creating an inti- mate connection with yourself. Many people don’t know how to do this. Others are afraid to do it because their inner life seems like a cold, uninviting place. You can start by simply ask- ing yourself, “How do I feel?” as many times a day as you can think of it. You may need to prompt yourself to go inside by leaving yourself written reminders like “Check in with your- self” or “How are you feeling?”
        

     2. Bring up a nurturing but strong inner voice, one that is deeply connected to the inherent strength, goodness, and wisdom within you (your essence). Some people are readily able to find such a voice, while others have more difficulty. If you find that it is difficult to find a nurturing voice, adopt the voice of some- one you know who is nurturing but strong (your therapist, a sponsor, a loving friend).
        

     3. Whenever you find you are criticizing yourself or being hard on yourself, consciously switch to this more nurturing voice. This is especially important for people who were highly criticized by
        

        a parent. They need to replace their parent’s critical, negative voice with a more nurturing, compassionate inner voice.
        

     4. Make it a practice to regularly give yourself credit for the progress you have made or for the good things you have done.
        

     If You Are Having Difficulty Creating a Nurturing Voice
     

     You met Lorraine earlier in the book. Her mother was never pleased with anything she did. When Lorraine grew up, she unfortunately took on her mother’s critical stance. Her mother’s harsh voice echoed within her. When I started working with Lorraine, I asked her to begin to pay attention to the critical voice inside and to begin to replace it with a nurturing inner voice. But Lorraine was having a lot of difficulty doing this. “I can’t find a nurturing voice. I only hear my mother’s.” Later on she told me that on occasion she heard my voice. “Sometimes I’ll won- der whether I should do something and I’ll hear your voice asking me whether doing this would be taking care of myself. Other times I hear you talking to me in a soft way, the way you do when you know I’m really hurting.” Lorraine had used my voice as her nurturing voice until she could develop her own. It is perfectly acceptable to use the voice of someone else who makes you feel loved, cared for, and accepted. You may also try using the voice that you use when you are talking to a child or a pet. Recent studies show that a sweet, high-pitched voice is the one babies respond to the most.
     

     Become Your Own Nurturing Parent
     

     In addition to creating a nurturing inner voice, you also need to pro- vide for yourself the nurturing and responsiveness you missed as a child. Begin by writing about what you learned about nurturing and responsiveness as a child.
     

     Writing Exercise: Your Nurturing History
     

     1. Think about how your parents met their own needs. Do you think your parents were connected to how they felt emotionally and what their true needs were? Write about
        

        how you observed your parents taking care of themselves or nurturing themselves.
        

     2. Think about how your parents took care of your needs. Did your parents treat you as if you had a right to have your needs met? Did you get the sense that your feelings mat- tered to them? Write about whether you felt your parents were responsive, depriving, or indulgent toward you.
        

     3. Think about whether your parents taught you how to nur- ture yourself. Did your parents talk to you about how to take care of yourself? Did they talk to you about honoring your feelings and needs? Did they teach you how to soothe and comfort yourself?
        

     4. Think about the ways you have nurtured yourself as an adult. Do you know how you feel and what you need at any given time? Are you able to soothe and comfort your- self from within? Do you tend to either indulge yourself or deprive yourself instead of being responsive toward yourself?
        

     Your Need for Structure (Fathering)
     

     As important as it is to create a nurturing inner voice (symbolic of a healthy mother), it is equally important to provide yourself with healthy limits (symbolic of a strong father). While mothers represent nurturing, fathers represent safety, structure, and limits. Historically, mothers have primarily been responsible for providing nurturing to their children, and it has been the role of the father to provide disci- pline (thus the “just wait until your father comes home” message given by many mothers).
     

     If your parents were not able or willing to nurture you properly, they probably weren’t very good at setting limits either. Without clear limits and expectations, you may feel confused, lost, powerless, or unsafe. It has been found that children who do not receive proper lim- its and moral guidance tend to become either impulsive and aggres- sive or fearful and passive.
     

     Questionnaire: Your Limits
     

     1. Did your parents have reasonable expectations of you— neither too harsh nor too easy?
        

     2. Were their expectations communicated to you clearly, or was it a constant guessing game of trying to figure out what their expectations were?
        

     3. Did your parents tend to refrain from either depriving you or indulging you?
        

     4. Were your parents good role models concerning setting personal limits with themselves?
        

     5. Did you frequently witness one or both of your parents going overboard when it came to eating, drinking alcohol, working too hard, shopping, or any other excess?
        

     6. Did you frequently witness one or both of your parents depriving herself or himself of proper nutrition, adequate rest or sleep, or recreation?
        

     7. Did your parents ever talk to you about setting limits on yourself?
        

     8. Did your parents talk to you about having reasonable expectations of yourself?
        

     9. Do you have reasonable expectations for yourself today?
        

     10. Do you tend to avoid depriving yourself or indulging yourself?
         

     If your parents were unable to set healthy limits on your behavior, you will tend to either be too easy or too hard on yourself. You may be so harsh with yourself, expecting so much, that there is little room in your life for pleasure. Or the reverse may be true and you may be so easy on yourself that you let yourself or others down. You may have become perfectionistic, pushing yourself beyond normal human lim- its and driving yourself mercilessly. Or you may do the opposite and hesitate to take action, procrastinate whenever you have a task to do, or tend to abandon projects instead of following through.
     

     So how do you create a strong, limit-setting internal father? How do you begin providing healthy limits for yourself?
     

     In order to set effective limits with a child, a parent must observe him and get to know him intimately. She must be able to determine when the child needs direction and when he needs room to learn his own lessons. She must be able to decide when a child needs to be told “no” and when he needs to be given a little slack. You will need to do the same for yourself. This means you will need to consistently pay attention to yourself by monitoring your emotions and observing your behavior in order to discover when you need to set limits on yourself. In other words, you need to pay attention to yourself in order to know when you need to hear a nurturing voice and when you need to hear a limit-setting voice. Otherwise, you will be too hard on yourself when you really need encouragement or too easy on yourself when you need to provide some limits or structure.
     

     For example, if you tend to stay up too late at night and then feel exhausted in the morning, you are not setting appropriate limits for yourself. So how do you go about changing this? The first step is to notice the behavior and consequences of the behavior. Make a nota- tion in your Mirror Journal about how you feel in the morning and all through the day when you stay up too late at night.
     

     The next step is to make a commitment to changing the behavior, even if it is only a little at a time. For example, commit to going to bed just fifteen minutes earlier for one week. The next week, commit to going to bed another fifteen minutes earlier. In your journal, note any improvements in your energy level or attitude that you might notice with each fifteen-minute change. Continue this process until you have changed your bedtime to something that is reasonable and healthy for you.
     

     It can be very difficult to get the concept that setting limits on one- self can be a loving and nurturing thing to do. This is particularly true when limits always felt like deprivation, or when parents set limits as punishment. But as the quote by M. Scott Peck at the beginning of the chapter stated, “Self-discipline is self-caring.” Another way of saying this is: “Limit-setting equals love.” If you can consistently remind yourself of this, it will help you overcome your resistance to limit- setting. If you continue to have difficulties learning how to set limits
     

     for yourself, especially if you have addiction problems such as com- pulsive overeating or alcohol abuse, I strongly recommend the Solutions Program created by Laurel Mellin. For more information on the program, refer to “Recommended Therapies” in the appendix.
     

     Another way of working on setting limits with yourself is by doing inner-child work. Refer to chapter 11 for more information on this.
     

     The setting of reasonable expectations for yourself, which was dis- cussed earlier, is another important aspect of creating a strong inter- nal father. The Solutions Program will also help you learn to set reasonable expectations of yourself. If you don’t have reasonable expectations of yourself, which are neither too harsh nor too lenient, either you will set yourself up to feel disappointed in yourself (and activate your critical inner voice), or you will not take action that will allow you to reach your true potential.
     

     A reasonable expectation is reachable, given your history, your pres- ent situation, and who you are today. For example, it is
     reasonable
     that given your history of being emotionally abused, you may suffer from low self-esteem, a strong inner critic, and some unhealthy shame. It is
     unrea- sonable
     to expect that given your history, you would be able to overcome the negative effects of emotional abuse overnight. It is
     reasonable
     , how- ever, to expect that by reading this book and doing the exercises, you may be able to overcome much of the damage you suffered.
     

     Exercise: Your Expectations of Yourself
     

   • Make a list of the expectations or goals you have for yourself.
     

   • Review this list and determine which of these expectations seems reasonable (meaning that you are capable of meeting these expectations, given who you are today and your present circumstances).
     

     Creating Balance in Your Life
     

     Even the most well-meaning parents tend to lack a sense of balance when it comes to their parenting style. They either tend to be depriv- ing or permissive. The cause of these parenting styles can be traced
     

     back to the parents’ own upbringing (for example, their parents were overly smothering and “merged” with their child, or their parents were overly removed and “disengaged”). As Laurel Mellin states in her book
     The Pathway: Follow the Road to Health and Happiness
     , “These patterns are etched into the feeling brain early in life, then tend to be passed along from one generation to the next.”
     

     Deprivation and permissiveness are actually two sides of the same coin. Parents who were deprived themselves when they were children will tend to either deprive their own children or become overly indul- gent toward their children in their determination not to make their parents’ mistakes.
     

     Becoming Your Own Responsive Parent
     

     As Laurel Mellin explains in her program, the goal is to create a bal- ance between the two extremes—being neither depriving nor indul- gent toward oneself. This middle point is called “responsiveness.” A responsive parent is keenly aware of her child’s needs. She is attentive to her child and has a desire to meet her needs once she discovers what they are. She doesn’t change her baby’s diapers when the baby is crying because it is hungry. Neither does she try to feed her baby when what the child really needs is to be held. When a responsive par- ent discovers and fulfills her child’s real need, she doesn’t need to indulge the child to make up for any neglectful treatment on her part. She knows she has been responsive to her child’s real needs and doesn’t suffer from feelings of guilt.
     

     Just as a responsive parent is aware of her child’s needs, we need to become aware of and sensitive to our own needs. Once we have identified our real needs we are better able to meet them. Unfortunately, discovering our real needs is not usually that easy, especially if we had depriving or overly permissive parents.
     

     How Do I Know What I Need?
     

     Adults who were neglected or emotionally abused often do not know how to take care of themselves. Because their needs were often
     

     ignored by their parents, adult survivors often continue to ignore them.
     

     Exercise: Our Basic Needs
     

     Take a close look at the following list of basic needs and think about how often you provide them for yourself: