Heart Of A Cowboy (4 page)

I need help, Lord. I don't know how to tell Zachary or Nicholas. Everything will change if I do.

 

“Ashley told me a new kid named Nicholas joined them today riding and his mother is Jordan. Do you have something to tell me?” Becca approached Zachary not an hour after Jordan had left the ranch with her son.

Zachary slanted a look at his sister standing on the other side of the corral fence with her hand on her hip. “Nope.”

“The other day I heard
Jordan
Masterson came back to town. Was that her?”

“Why didn't you tell me she was back?” He removed his hat and tapped it against his jeans. “I don't like surprises.”

“I didn't think she would come out here.”

“So it was okay not to say anything to me? I was bound to meet her sometime in Tallgrass. We have a number of the same friends, and I'm sure she'll get reacquainted with them.”

His older sister studied him. “I thought you had moved on.”

He'd thought so, too. Until he'd seen Jordan and all the old hurt came back. His gut burned as if acid eroded it. “As much as I'm enjoying this little chitchat, I've got to train this horse.” He gestured toward Midnight, warily watching him on the other side of the paddock.

Becca huffed, her mouth pinched into a frown. “If you need to talk, you know where the house is.”

As his sister left, Zachary made his way toward Midnight. He'd wanted a family, children, and couldn't have any now. But in spite of the rodeo accident that snatched away his dream he'd carved out a life here in Tallgrass, and Jordan had come back and disrupted everything.

Why couldn't she just stay away? Leave him in peace? All those years ago he'd fled his hometown because every place he'd gone reminded him of Jordan. Even when he had joined the army—anything different to take his thoughts off Jordan—in the back of his mind he'd clung to the hope she would call and come back to him. She never did, and he was left to pick up the pieces. When he had patched his life back together, he'd vowed she would never break his heart again.

And now he'd gone and agreed to teach her son to ride. Now he would have to see Jordan once a week. He didn't want a weekly reminder of what could have been.

 

“Ms. Masterson, Nicholas seems to be having a hard time adjusting to this school. He knows the rules, and yet he snuck into the school at lunchtime when he was supposed
to be outside on the playground. His teacher found him sitting at his desk when she came in after eating lunch.”

Seated in front of the elementary school principal on Wednesday, Jordan crossed her legs, shifting to try to make herself more comfortable. But there was no way around it. She felt as though she'd been sent to the principal's office, rather than her son. “Was he disruptive or doing something he shouldn't in the room?”

“No, but that's not the point. He wasn't supposed to be there.”

“Did you ask him why he came inside early?”

“He wouldn't say why.” The principal scanned a piece of paper. “And I've got a report from the nurse that he's going to her almost every day complaining of a stomachache or something else being wrong. Have you taken him to the doctor to make sure he's all right?”

“Last week and he's fine.” Jordan rose, gripping her purse in front of her like a firewall. “I'll talk with him.” It was the same situation as his last school. He didn't fit in easily. She needed to do something to make his learning years more enjoyable.

As the older woman came to her feet, she leaned into her desk. “Maybe he shouldn't have skipped a grade.”

“That's something the school in South Carolina did to keep him interested in his studies. The curriculum was too easy for him. Is he having problems academically?”

“On the contrary, his grades so far are excellent, but socially…” The principal averted her gaze for a moment then reestablished eye contact and said, “Frankly, he doesn't interact with the other children much. I'm concerned about him.”

“Thank you. I'll talk with Nicholas today about following the rules.” Her son always followed the rules. Which made this new behavior troubling.

When Jordan emerged from the principal's office, Nicholas pushed himself off the wall and trudged toward her. With his head down, she couldn't see his expression.

“We need to talk in the car.” She didn't want others to overhear their conversation. She was determined to get to the bottom of what was happening to Nicholas.

Five minutes later with the air-conditioning cooling the interior of the car, Jordan sat behind the steering wheel in the parking lot of Key Elementary, Nicholas in the front seat next to her. “What's going on at school?”

“I don't understand the other guys' fascination with video games and football.”

Well, neither did she but that didn't solve the problem her son had. He was more comfortable with adults. “Are they making fun of you?”

“I'm supposed to play dumb.” Nicholas looked directly at her. “I can't do that. If some of them would do their homework, they could answer the teacher's questions. I'm bored and miserable.”

“How about the enrichment class?”

“It meets twice a week for an hour. I need more. Randy was telling me about being schooled at home. May I try that? That way the class won't hold me back. I can learn at my own rate.”

And going up another grade wasn't an option. “I'll think about it. I'll even go to the Helping Hands Homeschooling meeting tonight and see what they have to offer.” Jordan pulled out of her parking space and headed to the street running in front of the school. “Because, Nicholas, I'll need help, and I want to make sure I can have opportunities for you to socialize if I homeschool you.”

“I don't think like kids my age.”

“You seem to like Randy, Jana and Ashley.”

“Yeah, they're different.”

Maybe if she could get Nicholas to socialize outside school, it would work better for her son. She was glad the HHH meeting was that evening, but she needed to know more before she committed to homeschooling. Was that the best option for her son? Could she provide him with the needed academics as well as opportunities to be with other kids?

Would Zachary be there? He'd said something about going because he was involved in the planning of an HHH Junior Rodeo Event at the ranch. She'd tried calling him several times since Saturday to set up a meeting with him, but each time she'd hung up before the phone had even rung once. The thought of seeing him that evening sent her pulse racing through her body. Should she even go?

 

When Jordan and Nicholas arrived at the Tallgrass Community Center where the Helping Hands Homeschooling group's meeting took place, the first person she saw was Zachary standing near his older sister, Becca.

“Mom, I see Randy. He told me to join him when I came.”

“Fine.” She couldn't take her eyes off Zachary.

He lifted his head and fastened his gaze on her. For a brief moment she was swept back to the time he'd approached her after a football game for the first time. Her heart reacted as it had then—tapping a fast staccato against her rib cage.

Something akin to that look they had exchanged all those years ago flickered into his eyes. Then suddenly he banked the fiery gleam. Even from across the large room she saw the tensing of his shoulders, the hardening of his jaw as though he gritted his teeth.

She tore her attention away. Not far from her, Alexa stood with a tall man who wore wire-rimmed glasses.
Plastering a smile on her face, Jordan headed for the young woman she'd met at the ranch. Maybe she could work her way toward Zachary and casually find out about his work schedule.

Because her mother was right. She couldn't postpone this discussion concerning Nicholas much longer. If she told him, she needed to do it soon. The longer she waited the more she would have to explain.

“It's great seeing you at the meeting. Are you thinking of homeschooling?” Alexa asked after introducing Ian to Jordan.

“I'm thinking about it. I wanted to find out what re sources were available to someone like me who doesn't have any training in teaching.”

“Dr. Nancy Baker, the founder of HHH, is a professor at Tallgrass Community College. She has a lot of materials and books available that you can access.”

“Before you two talk shop, I see Zachary. I need to see him about the HHH Junior Rodeo Event. Nice meeting you.” Ian nodded toward her, squeezed Alexa's hand, then weaved his way through the throng toward Zachary.

For a few seconds Jordan's gaze followed Ian's path until he reached Zachary, who caught her looking. She quickly averted her eyes. “I'd like to check into homeschooling. Nicholas isn't doing as well as he should at school right now. He's so bright, but his potential isn't being met. I'm not sure, though, I can do any better. He's been studying algebra on his own with some help from me, but it's been a while since I did it. I'm having a hard time keeping up.”

“Ian is starting his second math group involving algebra for homeschoolers next week. We have a medical doctor in this group who teaches a different science course every three months—human anatomy starts in September, too.
Those courses are part of the co-op classes some of the kids tap into.”

“So I don't have to teach every subject? Because there are a few I'm not good at.”

“No one is. If you have some kind of expertise, you might want to offer a course for the group, but it's not a requirement.”

“My job is a computer graphic designer. It might be fun doing something with that. I'll have to think about it.”

“Let me introduce you to Nancy before the meeting begins.” Alexa searched the large room. “Ah, I see her talking to Ian and Zachary.” The young woman started for them.

Jordan braced herself with a deep breath and followed Alexa. Maybe no one else sensed the tension flowing from Zachary as she and Alexa joined the small group with Ian and Nancy, but Jordan did. That tic in Zachary's jawline jerked.

“This is Jordan, Nancy. She's thinking about homeschooling her son.” Alexa stepped next to Ian, who slipped his arm around her shoulder.

Nancy shook Jordan's hand. “Great. If you need any help, there are plenty of us to ask.”

“I wondered if I could come look at your materials. Nicholas needs a lot of enrichment, and I want to make sure I can give it to him.” Jordan shifted from one foot to the other, conscious of Zachary next to her. Only inches from him, her arm prickled as though there was a physical connection.

“Fine. How about we set up a time to talk, and then you can look through the resources? Say tomorrow morning at eleven?”

“I appreciate that. I don't want the situation at school to go on too long.”

“Then I'll see you at eleven. Now if you all will excuse me, I need to get this meeting started. We've got an HHH Junior Rodeo Event to plan for in October.” Nancy walked toward the front of the room.

“What's going on at school?” Zachary's deep voice, with a husky edge, broke the momentary silence.

Suddenly Jordan faced him alone because Ian and Alexa moved off to sit in a row not far away. “He's teased a lot because he's smart. He has trouble socializing with some of the kids his age. But mainly Nicholas isn't being challenged enough in school.” She didn't want to go into too much detail. That could lead to questions she wasn't prepared to answer.

He scanned the group of children filing into the room off the main one. “It looks like he's getting along great with Randy.” He gestured toward Nicholas, who was laughing and talking with the boy as they trailed behind the group of kids. “I know that Randy wanted to learn to ride as much as your son did. Nicholas will be a good addition to the Saturday riding group. They both have a fascination with the rodeo.”

“Nicholas said something to you about that?”

“Yes, he wanted me to teach him to ride a bronco.”

“That's not gonna happen.”

“He could learn some of the less risky activities like barrel racing.”

Racing! Falling off a horse going fast!
She ground her teeth and kept those thoughts to herself. As Nancy started the meeting, Jordan realized they were the only two not sitting. Two chairs nearby seemed the logical choice for them to sit in, but she didn't want to be seated next to Zachary. How in the world was she going to handle him being in Nicholas's life as his father?

W
hy was he sitting next to Jordan at this meeting? The question needled Zachary with pinpricks of awareness of the woman who was only inches away from him. The hair on his arm near hers actually stood up as though at attention. He'd suffered through the past hour while the group planned the HHH Junior Rodeo activities scheduled to be at his ranch, but he'd hardly heard what had been said. The turmoil in his mind drowned out the voices. Worse, when he'd been called on to give his opinion, he'd barely been able to manage a coherent sentence in answer.

Since he saw her on Saturday, he hadn't been able to get the blonde dynamo out of his thoughts. She'd plagued his awakened moments and his sleep until exhaustion clung to him like sweat on a hard-ridden horse. She had no right to turn those dark brown eyes on him as though they hadn't parted ways after a nasty fight that had left him reeling eleven years ago. She'd been angry when she'd seen him in the corral a few days ago, as if he'd been the one who'd fled Tallgrass and hadn't looked back. He'd stayed around two months waiting for her to come to her senses. But not a word from her.

If his dream had been fulfilled, they would have been married, possibly with two or three kids by now. He hadn't wanted children right away, but he'd always wanted to be a father someday. But instead he'd decided to get as far away as possible from Tallgrass because of the constant reminders of what he and Jordan could have had.

After nine years he'd returned home, ready to put his life back together. He was through running from the home he'd loved and needed to put down roots. He was ready to complete one of his dreams—to own a ranch and raise horses, some of which were used in the rodeo. That was about the only way he was going to participate in the sport he'd loved after his injury in a bull trampling two years ago.

Suddenly, he noticed the people surrounding him and Jordan rising. The meeting was over? He blinked, wondering where the time had gone and what he'd agreed to as far as the HHH Junior Rodeo.

Zachary shot to his feet, needing to escape before Jordan totally befuddled him. He started to hurry away when her hand clamped on his arm and that tingling awareness became a flash through his body. Sweat beaded his brow. She'd always had that effect on him.

“I need to talk to you. Can we get together sometime soon?”

Her question threw him off-kilter. Talk to him? Get together? Why? He wanted to stay far away from her until he could tamp down the lingering feelings he had for her. Because being rejected by her once was enough. “I'm busy.” For a second his gaze clung to her full lips—lips that he'd one time loved to kiss.

“This is important.”

He dragged his focus to her chocolate-brown eyes, con
cern in their depths that tried to wheedle its way into his heart. “Is this about Nicholas?”

She blinked, her face going white. “Yes, how did you know?”

“Let me assure you I meant what I said on Saturday. He can still take riding lessons even if you don't decide to join this group. I don't go back on my word.” Realizing she still clasped his arm, he shook it free. “Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go.”

“But…”

He didn't wait for her to say anything else. Quickening his step, he escaped outside and drew in deep breaths of the hot summer air. The light breeze cooled his cheeks.

Nicholas. The boy's name flitted through his mind. She'd moved on without him, had another man's son—loved another man. He'd tried to move on and for a short time had even become engaged to a girl after he'd been on the rodeo circuit a few years. After his bull riding accident, she'd left him. Audrey had wanted to have children, and he wouldn't be able to give her any. No, he'd decided not feeling anything was so much better for him. He had his ranch and was doing what he loved to do, raising horses. That was his life now, and he wasn't going to let Jordan's return change his plans nor the memories of their good times together.

 

Jordan looked up from working on her laptop to see her sister come into the kitchen. “Have you been hiding from me?” She clasped the edge of the table.

Rachel poured herself some coffee and sank into the chair next to Jordan. “Granny told me I'd better come down or you were going to send out a search party.”

“Yeah, I have a beef with you. You sent me to Zachary's ranch last Saturday and now I'm stuck taking Nicholas
there tomorrow. What were you thinking?” She couldn't keep her rising ire from resonating in her voice.

“That you two needed to work the past out.”

“Have I interfered with your life?” Rachel had never been able to resist meddling.

“Only because you've been in South Carolina until four weeks ago. In time you'll be right in the middle like you were as a child.”

“Me? Telling you what you should do? You've always done that. Don't. I can live my own life now.” The words exploded from Jordan's mouth like compressed soda in a shaken bottle.

“I'll always care about you. I can't stop being your big sis.”

“Sister, not mother.”

Rachel's gaze connected with Jordan's. “I'm sorry.”

Her apology deflated Jordan's annoyance. She couldn't stay mad at her sister for long. Growing up, Rachel had protected her. She'd listened to her. She'd been there through the pain of her breakup. “I know,” she murmured, her tone a ragged stream.

Rachel took a sip from her mug. “Hmm. Your coffee is so much better than Mom's.”

“How do you know I made that?” After Jordan closed down the program she was working on, she pushed her laptop to the side and lifted her mug to take a drink.

“Because you got Granny's cooking genes. Mom didn't. I didn't.”

“Speaking of Granny, who is this Doug person?”

“A sweet man who is seventy and taken with our grandmother.”

“Seventy! She's robbing the cradle.”

Rachel raised her forefinger to her lips. “Shh. Don't
let her hear you say that. She'll probably outlast Doug by years.”

She wished she were as together as her sister or Granny. “Rachel, I need help. What am I gonna do?”

“Tell Zachary about Nicholas?”

“Do you know what that will do to me?” Jordan bit down on her thumbnail, then suddenly realized she'd reverted to a bad habit and said, “See what I'm doing just thinking about the havoc that will cause in my life. It took me years to break myself of biting my fingernails. Now I'm doing it again. Home less than a month.”

“Zachary has a right to know whether he wants to be in Nicholas's life or not. It's his choice. Not yours. I told you years ago that you needed to get in touch with him.”

“I know I need to do it. I just don't know how. I can't march up to him and say ‘Nicholas is your son.'”

Rachel winced. “No, you need to cushion the news a little.”

“Like you did when you told me Zachary owned the ranch?” The urge to chew on her fingernails inundated her. Jordan sat on her hands instead.

“Just do it. The longer you think about it the more upset you're going to be. Quit analyzing the problem to death.”

“I can't change who I am.”

“Oh, but you have. You used to take risks. Now you think everything to death.”

“Yeah, well, finding out you're pregnant with a child whose father doesn't want to have anything to do with you can go a long way to curing you of taking risks.”

Rising, Rachel finished her last swallow of coffee and strolled to the sink to set her mug in it. “I'm going back into hiding. Let me know when you tell him.”

“
If
I tell him,” Jordan couldn't resist saying to her older sister's back as she left the room.

 

Jordan slid into the pew at the Tallgrass Community Church between Nicholas and her sister.

“I'm glad you could make it,” Rachel whispered.

She smiled sweetly at her only sibling. “With the move I've been swamped, but I'm working to strengthen my faith. I'll admit I let life interfere in South Carolina.”

“Did you tell him yesterday when you went to the ranch for Nicholas's lesson?”

With a glance at her son, she bent toward Rachel and lowered her voice to the barest level. “No and don't bring it up.”

At that moment the music began to play, signaling the service would begin in a few minutes. Jordan bowed her head and folded her hands together in her lap.

Lord, I'm here like I promised, but I'm still clueless what to do. Yesterday I couldn't have gotten the words out to say anything to Zachary if my life depended on it. Where do I start? How do I do it? Please help me. Amen.

A commotion behind her drew her attention. First Becca then Ashley, Mike and Cal entered the pew. Next came Becca's husband, Paul, with Zachary on the end, right behind Nicholas.

Her son twisted around and grinned at Zachary, waving his hand. “Howdy.”

Howdy? Her son had never said that word in his whole life. She groaned and kept her gaze focused straight ahead. But the hairs on her nape tingled.

“Mom, Zachary is behind us.”

Every nerve ending was acutely aware of that fact. “Shh, hon. Church is about to start.” Which thankfully it did with the choir marching in singing “Onward, Christian Soldiers.”

Zachary rose as the rest of the congregation did to sing
the opening hymn, but he could hardly concentrate on the words of the song. Not with Jordan standing within arm's length of him. So close he could tug her into an embrace. That thought sent panic coursing through him. He should have expected her to show up at church with her family attending the same one as he did and prepared himself better—hardened his defenses against Jordan, who had always managed to get under his skin like a burr in a saddle blanket.

After seeing Jordan with Nicholas yesterday at his ranch, he didn't know if he could continue teaching her son how to ride. The boy reminded him of Jordan. He liked him a lot—probably too much.

When he looked at Nicholas, all he could think about was the child he never would have. The boy should have been his with Jordan. That had been his plan all those years ago. They would marry. He would make his living on the rodeo circuit until he had enough money for a ranch. Then they could start a family. He had his ranch thanks to a fruitful career on the rodeo circuit for five years. But now he couldn't have any kids—not since the accident in the National Finals in bull riding. It had left him lame and unable to father the children he'd always wanted.

He sat again after the song, his hands clenched at his sides. There were a few days imprinted in his mind forever—when he first met Jordan, when they broke up and when he'd nearly died in the ring, riding a two-thousand-pound bull.

The longer he stayed in the pew behind Jordan the tenser he became. When the service ended an hour later, his muscles ached like they did when he was trying to rein in an untrained horse.

Nicholas turned toward him. “I didn't know you go to this church. That's neat. I had a great time yesterday.”

“I'm glad. Before long you're gonna be riding rings around the others.” There was no way he couldn't teach the boy how to ride. He had to find a way to stay away from Jordan and still help Nicholas. But he was beginning to think that would be impossible.

Nicholas beamed. “I want to be the best.”

Jordan angled toward her son. “The best what?”

“Rider. I hope to participate in barrel racing at the HHH Junior Rodeo.”

Jordan's eyes grew round. “You do?” Then her mouth firmed into a thin line.

“Yes. If I'm good, Mom, then you won't worry about me.”

“Hey, Nicholas, want to join us?” Randy called from the aisle.

“Okay, Mom?”

“Fine. We'll be in the rec hall,” Jordan said while the rest of her family filed out the other end of the pew.

Leaving Zachary practically alone with Jordan. Even his own family had abandoned him. He faced her, the muscles in his neck tightening even more than before until he didn't know if he could speak, which reminded him of the time years ago when they had first talked. He'd been sweaty, tired and tongue-tied, but he'd needed to make sure she was okay after her fall while cheerleading at the game.

“All the way home yesterday Nicholas couldn't stop talking about his lesson. I wish I had stayed to watch it. I had an errand to run, but I'll stay next week.”

“Don't,” slipped out of his mouth before he could stop the word.

Her forehead creased. “What do you mean?”

“I think the less we're around each other the better it is. Let's face it. The time when we were friends is past. You go your way. I'll go mine.” There was a part of him—a
desperate part that couldn't believe he was saying that to her. But it was true. Their time together was in the past. “But Nicholas—”

“He's a joy to teach. He's welcome to come for the riding lessons. But I want you to drop him off and come back to pick him up.” Because if she stood around watching, that would be all he would focus on. And he needed to concentrate on working with the kids, not on Jordan. She distracted him more than he wished. “Now if you'll excuse me, I need to find my family.”

Striding away before she wanted to talk more, he scanned the near-empty sanctuary, surprised that most of the churchgoers had left. That was Jordan's effect on him. She had the ability to wipe away his common sense. He could still remember that time years ago when he had been competing at a rodeo and Jordan had been late arriving to watch him. When he saw her sit in the stands, he kept his attention on her a few seconds longer than he should have. He ended up on the ground, his arm broken, berating himself for losing his concentration. He wouldn't let her get close enough to do that again. Too dangerous.

 

On the following Tuesday Jordan parked in front of the barn in nearly the same place as she had on Saturday for her son's second riding lesson. This time Nicholas wasn't with her. This time she was on a mission: to find Zachary, get him alone and tell him about his son.