Heart of Gold (33 page)

Hot tears burned Shannon’s throat and eyes. Blinded by them, it was a wonder she didn’t stumble and fall headlong into the street. Halfway to the parsonage, she stopped and wiped the tears away.

What was she to do now? She wasn’t ready to tell her father what had happened. She wasn’t ready to tell him that she couldn’t marry Matthew.
Wouldn’t
marry Matthew.

“I
do
love you
.” His voice in her head caused the tears to flow again.

Lifting her skirt, she turned and headed away from the parsonage, following the road into the mountains, up into the trees where she’d gone riding with Matthew and Todd, to the place where Matthew had kissed her the first time. Pain knifed through her chest at the memory.

So this was what a broken heart felt like.

She’d grieved the loss of her mother. She’d mourned the death of Benjamin. But this was different somehow.

I should have known. I should have known he didn’t love me. I should have known I needed him to love me
.

If only she could hate him. She wanted to hate him. She wanted once again to think him a foolish, ignorant man—if for no other reason than he wasn’t a Confederate sympathizer. She wanted to believe him beneath her contempt. Just as she’d thought him that first morning in Grand Coeur. But it wasn’t in her to hate him, and she knew him too well now to think him foolish or ignorant. He’d loved his sister and he loved his nephew. He’d tried to do right by them. He was still trying to do right by Todd. She was the one who’d read more into his proposal than was there. She was the foolish, ignorant one.

She was the one he didn’t love.

She left the narrow, dusty road and sank to the ground under a tall pine. Leaning her back against its trunk, she covered her face with both hands and gave in to the tears. She didn’t try to hold back the sobs. Who would hear her? She cried until she had no more tears left. Until she was spent and her breaths came in tiny gasps. Until at last she fell as silent as the forest surrounding her.

Conscious thought left her. There was only the silence . . . and the emptiness of her heart.

Matthew and Todd went looking for Shannon, first at the parsonage, then at the church. The reverend was in the latter location, but he hadn’t seen his daughter since breakfast.

“What’s wrong, Matthew?” her father asked.

“I’m afraid I’ve hurt her, Reverend Adair.”

“Hurt her?”

Matthew glanced toward the doorway, wanting to resume his search. “She’s broken our engagement.” He looked again at the reverend.

Delaney Adair’s expression made it obvious Shannon hadn’t spoken to her father before going to see Matthew.

“Reverend, would it be all right if Todd stayed with you for a while? I need to find Shannon. I need to explain and I . . . I think it would be better if we could talk in private.”

“Of course. Of course.” Reverend Adair motioned for Todd to come stand beside him. “God go with you, Matthew.”

“Thank you, sir.”

When Matthew stepped outside a few moments later, he said a quick prayer. Where had Shannon gone, if not home? Into town? He didn’t think it likely. To call upon a woman friend perhaps? Who would that be? Alice had been her closest—and perhaps only—friend in Grand Coeur. To the dress shop to cancel her wedding gown? Even that seemed improbable.

His gaze was drawn to the north. She would want to be alone. At least he would if he were in her shoes. He set off, following the road out of town and into the mountains.

Help me find her, Lord. Help me explain
.

Explain? He wasn’t sure an explanation would help anything. He had to convince her of his true feelings, the ones he hadn’t been smart enough to recognize until it was too late.

Almost too late
, he amended silently. He wasn’t giving up yet.
Almost too late
.

With long strides, he followed the road until he reached the trees.

Only then did he slow his pace. He wanted to shout her name, but he was afraid she wouldn’t answer him if he did. Worse, she might try to hide herself. He couldn’t risk it. He had to find her, had to convince her of his love. For the more he thought about it, the more he realized he couldn’t imagine life without her by his side.

Alice knew
. He stopped for a moment, mulling this new revelation.
Alice knew I loved Shannon
.

No wonder his sister had urged him to propose. It hadn’t been for the sake of her son alone. It had been for Matthew’s sake as well. Just like she’d said.

He moved on, raking the forest with his gaze. If Shannon had come into the mountains, if he’d chosen the right road, he could still miss her. Her dress, as he recalled, was the same color as the mule deer that populated these mountains, a perfect shade for blending in with nature.

And then he saw her, sitting on the ground about ten or fifteen yards above the road, her back against a tree. Her knees were drawn up to her chest beneath her gown, and she hugged her legs with her arms, her face buried in the folds of her skirt at her knees.

I’m the cause of her sadness
.

He moved up the incline toward her. When a twig snapped beneath his boot, he heard a small gasp of surprise as she raised her head. There was no welcome in her eyes when she saw who it was.

He stopped. “Shannon, we need to talk.”

“Please go away.” She scrambled to her feet.

“We can’t leave things like this.”

“Of course we can.” She looked around, as if she thought she might find a way of escape, a place where he could not follow.

She wouldn’t find such a place. He’d follow her to hell and back if that’s what it took to convince her he wanted her as his wife, convince her of his love.

“Please go away,” she repeated. She headed for the road, giving him a wide berth.

Matthew turned and followed. “Look, Shannon. Maybe you’re right about why I proposed in the first place. But only because I hadn’t had a chance to recognize what I felt for you. How could I? Alice was sick and I had a new job and I’ve never felt anything like this before.”

She didn’t reply except to quicken her pace.

“Shannon, please.”

Up ahead of them, a horse and buggy trotted into view from the other side of a small rise in the road.

Shannon raised her right arm and called out, “Wait!” Then she broke into a run. “Mr. Burkette! Wait!”

Recognizing the driver of the buggy at the same time Shannon called his name, Matthew came to a halt, a curse word rising in his throat. He swallowed it back.

Joe Burkette stopped the horse and waited for Shannon to reach him. Matthew couldn’t hear what she said, but Burkette nodded and gave her a hand into the buggy. Then he turned the horse around and headed back in the direction of Grand Coeur.

Matthew could learn to hate that man.

30

Once again, Delaney Adair found himself praying on behalf of his only child. In the course of the past twenty-five years, he had come to believe that God gave people children equally as much for what the children would teach their parents as for what the parents would teach their children. And being a father had certainly kept Delaney on his knees, depending upon God’s help and guidance.

No matter how many times or how many ways he’d asked Shannon to tell him what happened between her and Matthew, she only shook her head, refusing to answer.

“Lord, was I wrong to give my consent to Matthew? Is he not the man I thought him?”

That was difficult to believe. No, Delaney was quite sure Matthew was a decent man and that his daughter loved him. He was also certain Matthew was trying to mend whatever rift had torn the two young people apart. He’d come to the parsonage on three separate occasions, asking to see Shannon. She’d refused to see him every time.

“She can be stubborn, Lord.” He released a humorless chuckle.

“As can I.”

If Adelyn were still alive, she would be able to find a way to make Shannon open up to her. Alas, she wasn’t still alive. Delaney would have to try harder, pray more, listen better.

“I’m not giving up,” Matthew said to Jack. “I’m going to change her mind about marrying me if it takes a month of Sundays to do it.”

The sheriff leaned back in his desk chair and clasped his hands behind his head. “I believe you will.”

“If she’d just listen to me. If she’d just give me five minutes.”

“Never pictured you the sort to moon over a woman.”

“Never pictured it myself.”

“You know what you need? A few days away. Give her a chance to realize she misses you.”

Matthew grunted. What good would going away do? She wasn’t missing him now.

“Did you know there’s a big shipment of treasure going down to Boise City on Monday?”

“No.” He shook his head. “Hadn’t heard. I haven’t been into the office this week.”

“Well, it isn’t general knowledge. Good to know the word hasn’t gotten out. The stage is due in tomorrow night from Idaho City, then it’ll head south on Monday morning.”

Matthew waited. His friend wasn’t given to talk for talk’s sake, so there had to be a point to telling him this.

“Bill Washburn asked me yesterday if my deputy could ride along.

Wells, Fargo has a messenger riding along, of course, but Bill’s anxious about it. I can’t spare Horace right now. Tempers have been rising right along with the temperatures, and it seems like more troublemakers arrive in Grand Coeur every week.” He motioned with his head toward the jail in the back of the sheriff ’s office. “Our cells are full up this morning.”

Matthew nodded.

“Maybe you could go along on Monday as an extra guard.”

“You’re forgetting my nephew. I can’t just take off the way I used to.”

“You’d be back Tuesday morning. You could find someone to look after the boy until then. What about that gal you’ve got cooking for you? ”

“Sun Ling? She’s already doing more than I hired her to do.”

“He could stay with Bill for a night.”

“I don’t know. Bill’s never been much on kids.” Matthew rubbed the back of his neck. It might be good to go. Take his mind off his troubles with Shannon. Maybe give him a fresh perspective.

“Or what about the reverend and Miss Adair? She might be mad at you, but sure as shootin’ she still cares about that boy.”

Matthew sat straighter in his chair. His friend might have hit upon something there. Might be the best thing in the world, leaving his nephew in Shannon’s care. Maybe God would use Todd to bring Matthew and Shannon back together.

He stood. “I’ll see what I can arrange, Jack. I’ll let you know.”

He left the sheriff ’s office feeling more hopeful than he’d felt since Shannon broke their engagement. His feet carried him straight to the express office. Fortunately, no customers were there when he arrived, so he and William could talk plainly. “Jack told me about the special shipment coming in tomorrow.”

“Yeah, and I don’t figure I’ll draw a decent breath until they get here from Idaho City, and then I’ll feel the same way after they leave the next morning.”

“How about if I go along as an extra guard for the trip down to Boise?” Matthew said.