Heart of the Matter (5 page)

“Oh, Ellen, yes, please take me, fill me, I need you so much.”

“Shh, it’s all right, Kate. I’ll give you that and so much
more.”

She kissed Kate, gently but firmly, her tongue pushing against
her lips until she was allowed entrance.

Ellen’s nipples tightened and a dull ache asserted itself between her legs. The mere thought of Kate touching her, of feeling her skin against Kate’s skin always turned her on. She could easily imagine the strong, athletic body and the power of her lovemaking.

But in her fantasy world, Ellen also possessed a firm, slender figure—womanly, of course, but much thinner than she was in reality. Kate would be enthralled with her body, caressing her everywhere and admiring the suppleness of her skin and the tautness of her stomach. Ellen’s body was flawless and she fondled herself as Kate entered her, filling her and loving her until nothing was left but the lingering traces of her orgasm and the tepid feel of bathwater against her skin.

Ellen sat at her desk in her office, reading her graduate students’ papers. Some of them were terrific, including one from Jenny Nelson that dealt with the impact of religion on the Civil War. Her teaching assistant was incredibly bright and inquisitive, and Ellen loved having her in the program. Jenny planned to spend the summer working with her on her research, and Ellen looked forward to being out in the field with her. While she thoroughly enjoyed research, she welcomed company. She already spent too much time alone.

Hearing a light rap on the door frame, she looked up and saw Linda, her sweater buttoned in the wrong buttonholes, expectantly waiting.

“Hey, girl, how about lunch? I’m starving.”

“You look like the Cheshire cat,” Ellen said. “What’s up?”

“Come on, I’ll tell you.”

They walked to a nearby deli. Over Reuben sandwiches and potato salad, a meal Ellen swore she would not have on her diet, Linda shared the news.

“Janice ran into Sandra Powell on her way to the Capitol yesterday. They chatted for a while and, according to Janice, Sandra asked about you. Janice did
not
bring you up, she swears it. It came totally from Sandra.”

“Really? She really asked about
me
?”

“Yup.”

“Well, exactly what did she say?” Ellen put her fork down.

“She simply asked about you, and Janice told her you were single, you taught at Georgetown, and you were a good person. Then she gave her your phone number.”

“
What?
You’re kidding.”

“I’m deadly serious. You know Janice wouldn’t give it out to just any wacko. She’s known Sandra for years.” Ellen was stunned. She couldn’t believe anyone as attractive as Sandra Powell would be interested in her. She looked down at her half-eaten sandwich and the pile of potato salad, angry at herself.

This was one more example of her willpower failing miserably. After all the money she spent on healthy food at home, she could never resist temptation when she ate out with friends. Sure, she could have ordered a salad at the deli, but what fun was that?

“Anyway, I suppose she’ll call you, although Janice didn’t know when,” Linda said blithely. “Relax. I’m sure it’ll be soon. And remember, little Miss Nobody-Could-Possibly-Find-Me-Attractive, if things don’t work out, she’d make a great friend. And I’m not saying that because you’re not attractive. Frankly, I don’t see how you can say that about yourself. You’re a knockout, kiddo. I mean if you don’t hit it off, it’s not the end of the world. So no pressure, okay?”

Ellen nodded absently, her mind already racing. What would she wear? Should she buy a new outfit, despite her determination not to spend any money on new clothes when she had a closet full of perfectly good ones at home? But she couldn’t possibly get into anything other than work clothes, and she didn’t want to wear them.

If she and Sandra went out, she wanted to look stunning. Besides, she didn’t have a great outfit for special occasions that wasn’t at least two sizes old. One new outfit would do for now.

Ellen got home around four thirty that afternoon and immediately started making a salad for dinner. Then she chopped vegetables and fruit to snack on when she had the craving. It was a warm, sunny day, and she decided to eat out on the deck off her living room at the small wrought-iron table.

She had barely managed to carry her iced tea out through the French doors when General Beauregard darted after her. “Beau! You know you’re not supposed to be out here.” She took a step toward him, but he skittered to the other side of the deck. Crouching and inching forward, she made kissing and cooing noises to coax him back toward the open door. He looked up at the railing and she could see his little brain working.

“No, no, General PGT Beauregard. Don’t even think about jumping up—”

Too late. In one graceful leap from his curled position he was up on the railing, apparently quite pleased with himself.

Ellen panicked and glanced over the deck to the first floor below. It was a long way down. “Please, honey, please, don’t move.

Let Mama get you and take you back in the house. I’ll give you some tuna. You know how much you love tuna.” Beau eyed the deck across the way—Kate’s deck, at least four feet from hers.

“Oh, no, no, not that, please. Not that, Beau. Oh, God, please don’t try it.”

Of course that was tantamount to a dare.

❖

Kate lay on the couch, reading a lesbian romance about a blind pianist who had lost the will to make music and the assistant who inspired her to get it back. The French doors to the deck were open and a cool breeze ruffled her hair. She was completely engrossed when a punch to her stomach knocked the air out of her.

She shouted, “What the fuck?” and leapt off the couch.

A rather good-sized brown tabby, whose ears were lying flat at the moment, looked back at her serenely.

“Where the hell did you come from?”

A knock on the door surprised her, but she had a good idea who it might be.

“Kate, it’s Ellen,” Ellen shouted from the hallway. “My cat jumped across our decks and is somewhere inside your house.”

“Shit.” Kate ran a hand through her tangled hair. She walked over to the French doors and closed them, then picked the cat up off the arm of her couch and carried it to the entryway. She hesitated, unwilling to face her neighbor, but wanting to get rid of the cat.

Maybe if she simply stuck the animal out and dropped it into her arms that would be good enough.

“It’s okay, Kate. I understand you might not want to come out, but if you’d just give Beau to me I’d be grateful.” Kate stood reluctantly, annoyed at her temerity. She never used to be this way, uncertain and withdrawn. She invariably attacked any situation with confidence. Being in an accident that left her disfigured was no reason to hide. So why couldn’t she open the door? Her neighbor had already seen her face, already expressed her horror. What difference did it make now? Taking a deep breath, she turned the handle and held the cat out.

Ellen took Beau and held on tight, relieved to have him back in one piece. She gazed up at Kate. The jagged line was still a striking contrast to her smooth complexion, but it wasn’t as red and inflamed now. However, all Ellen could see was Kate’s wounded dark eyes staring defiantly at her. She felt Kate’s pain, and her seclusion appalled her.

“Thank you so much,” Ellen said. “I’m sorry if he bothered you. He’s never done that before.”

Kate didn’t respond and Ellen saw her wary look. Making Kate realize she only wanted to help was going to be tough.

“Do you have what you need? I’m making another run to the grocery store soon. If you want anything else, why not make a list and I’ll be happy to shop for you.”

“Why?”

Ellen was surprised by Kate’s bluntness, but pleased that at least she responded. “Because that’s what neighbors do for each other. I merely figured it was convenient, my living next door and all. It’s no trouble.”

Ellen watched several emotions fly across Kate’s face, from annoyance and relief to anger and defeat. She wanted to touch her, to make her understand her motives. If she could soothe some of what Kate was going through, she would be satisfied. But would Kate let her? Would she let anyone help her?

“I owe you money,” Kate muttered.

“No, that’s okay—”

“I have money,” Kate spat angrily.

“Of course. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…” Ellen took a deep breath, then started again. “It was about thirty dollars.” Kate disappeared and when she returned, she held out the cash.

Grudgingly, she said, “I’ll make a list.” 

❖

A carton half full of Häagen-Dazs coffee ice cream beckoned her seductively. Ellen took it out and set it on the counter. She put a spoonful into a small dish for Beau, who attacked it with relish.

Not even thinking of getting a bowl for herself, she dug right into the carton and scooped out a mouthful, savoring the smooth, creamy texture on her tongue.

“Oh, God, that’s good.” She closed her eyes.

The phone rang and she raced to pick it up. Kate had her number and maybe she needed something. “Hello?”

“Hello, Ellen?”

It didn’t sound like Kate. Her voice was deep and sexy.

“Yes?”

“Hi, Ellen, this is Sandra Powell. We met last week at Rosie’s?”

Ellen put the carton down on the counter. It was closer to two weeks, but who was counting. Her heart did a little happy dance and she tried to calm it with deep breaths. “Why, yes, of course I remember you, Sandra. How are you?”

“Good, thanks. Listen, I hope you don’t mind, but I managed to finagle your phone number out of Janice.”

“Yes, I mean, no, I don’t mind.” Ellen forced herself to drop her voice a notch. It had strayed too high in pitch.

“Great. Well, good, I’m glad, because I don’t normally do this sort of thing. At Rosie’s that night, it was a little hectic and I was with other people. Otherwise I would have joined you all. But I couldn’t stay and… God, I’m rambling, aren’t I?”

Ellen giggled. She loved self-deprecating humor. It made her feel more at ease.

“You’re making perfect sense, Sandra. Why don’t you just tell me why you’re calling?”

She heard a long sigh on the other end of the phone.

“Well, I have two tickets to the symphony this Saturday and thought you might like to go. I usually take my mother, who doesn’t get out much these days, but she’s in Tampa visiting her sister and won’t be back until the end of the month. I don’t enjoy going alone and I hate to waste them. Are you interested?” A thrill ran up Ellen’s spine. “I’d love to.”

“Wonderful. Uh, would you care to make that dinner beforehand as well?”

“I’d love to, but I’m afraid I can’t. How about a drink instead?”

“Sounds perfect.”

Ellen gave Sandra her address and hung up the phone. “All right.”

She took one last spoonful of ice cream and put the container back in the freezer. This Sunday didn’t give her much time. She would have to go shopping, and she needed someone with her to give her a second opinion.

Picking up the phone again, she dialed Linda and Janice’s number. After an inordinate amount of screaming from the other end, Ellen finally got Linda to calm down enough to agree to go with her the next day.

But after she hung up, all her insecurities rushed back. She was too fat, not pretty enough, not interesting enough. Frustrated before she even began, she retreated to her bedroom to bury herself in a book.

❖

“Let me see.” Linda entered the dressing room and her eyes grew wide. “Hubba, hubba, honey. You’re too hot to touch. Sandra is going to have a hard time keeping her hands off you.”

Ellen grimaced. “You don’t think it’s too…revealing?” She glanced uneasily at herself in the full-length mirror of the dressing room. The black cocktail dress she’d selected, the only color that she would even think of wearing, seemed to emphasize her every flaw. The spaghetti straps exaggerated her fleshy shoulders, and the plunging neckline left practically nothing to the imagination.

Frowning, she studied her reflection more closely, trying to uncover the thin woman she had once been. Where had she gone? More important, how would she ever get her back? The curtain rustled and the clerk peeked in.

“How are we doing in here? Oh my, but you look absolutely lovely.”

“I’m not so sure about this.” Ellen tried to hitch up the bodice.

Breast spillage impeded the taut fabric. “Maybe I should try a larger size.”

“Are you kidding?” Linda made an impatient, huffy sound.

“This is a perfect fit. As a matter of fact, you could pull these straps down a bit more.” She tugged the straps of the dress, exposing more cleavage than Ellen wanted to know about.

Annoyed, she grasped the dress and poked her breasts back where they belonged. Out of sight. She caught an odd look that passed between her friend and the clerk, and demanded, “Just tell me the truth, for heaven’s sake. You don’t have to soften the blow. I know what I look like.”

Not surprisingly, the clerk chickened out. Mumbling something about other customers, she vanished behind the curtains, leaving Linda to break the bad news. But Linda didn’t answer right away.

She walked around Ellen, looking her slowly up and down, no doubt trying to come up with a tactful comment.

“God, I wish I had shoulders like yours,” Linda finally said.

“You look stunning. That dress lays on you like a second skin. And look.” She lifted Ellen’s hair, holding it on top of her head. “We’ll put this up properly and expose your neck and shoulders more.”

“I don’t know…” Ellen felt as though she should put a sweater on to cover her upper arms and hips.

“Buy it,” Linda said. “If you don’t, I’ll buy it for you.”

Ellen sighed. Maybe when she got home she could work on it and somehow find a way so that it didn’t make her look so big. Once Linda had left the dressing room, Ellen changed into her clothes and hung the dress on its hanger. As she shoved the curtain aside, a very thin young woman strode past with a dress over her arm. Ellen followed them out.

“I’d guess you’re a size two?” the sales clerk inquired, heading for the petite section.