Hearts of Ishira (Hearts of Ishira Saga) (45 page)

He knew how much he missed his family and prayed to his gods that they were somehow safe, somewhere. He at least held out a shred of hope that he might see his family again one day. She never would. She must miss them so very much. He could see why she was trying to hold Jace and him at a distance, though he knew she wanted nothing more than to accept their suit.

Most importantly, though, it was driven home to him why she felt the need to separate herself from them. She knew how much family meant, knew how much he and Jace would be missing if they settled for her, and she did not wish to deprive them of that.

Ironically, such selfless thinking only made him want her even more fiercely, not less. He, too, knew what he’d be missing, but he also knew that there would be children aplenty, hopefully in short order, and that the way they were raised in his culture meant that all three of them, as leaders of their combined people, would be very much involved in the rearing of the young. Her arms would not remain empty for long, unless it was by her choice.

The last videos on the file were heart-shattering. Hunter was completely unprepared for what he found. One showed a short clip of a large boat, with one young woman holding the recording device so that it showed her with the rest of Arianna’s family in the background, waving cheerfully from the rails of the vessel. The young woman was teasing Arianna for not being there when everyone else was. She promised that they would wait as long as they could before casting off, but that Arianna had better hurry her ass up. The video ended with the young woman turning back to the boat and as if on cue, Ri’s family cried out, “We love you, Ri-Ri!”

Hunter was almost afraid to open the next file, labeled ‘Paradigm Shift’, but did so anyway. It was another clip, but this time with a strange man standing in what appeared to be a temporary stage area, the burned wreckage of a boat behind him. Graphics overlaid the images, and Hunter wished fervently that he knew what the symbols said. Trey and Hunter listened, horrified, as the man told of the tragedy that had occurred, of the family reunion gone horribly wrong, and how 62 people had died in the explosion.

The camera then panned to the side, showing a younger Arianna, with shorter hair, staring blankly at the boat. Her face was deathly pale, her eyes were dry and even at that distance Hunter could tell she was in shock. The man tried to ask her a question, but a uniformed woman angrily shooed him away, telling him to have some decency.

The rest of the news story was about the faulty engines that had been put in that model of yacht and how those engines were being recalled due to the number of recent fires, explosions and deaths they had been causing. The reporter ended the segment by callously speculating that the lone survivor of the extensive Hunter clan would be very rich indeed, if the police cleared her of any involvement in the deaths of her large family. Hunter seethed at the implication. His Arianna might be many things, but a killer she was not, nor was she money-hungry.

He sat back from the desk, feeling as though it was he who had lost his family, all over again. He recalled the look on Ri’s face in the videos as she cuddled newborn babies to her breast and promised them all the love she had inside her. He knew, without being able to sense it, that Ri would pour unconditional love into her newest family members, at first sight.

Hunter?

Bev had once mentioned that her surname was Hunter. He had wondered at the time why Ri had not told him that. Now he thought he knew. She hadn’t told him because it was something she was trying to put behind her. It wasn’t important. She was making a new life, determined to face it with optimism and hope, and she hadn’t wanted
this
weighing on her, reminding her of what she’d lost.

“It appears that your lady is much stronger than any of us could have imagined,” Trey said, then shook his head, swiping unashamedly at the tears on his cheeks. What an incredible loss Arianna had suffered! And yet she smiled, laughed, and was able to teach the young women with her and go about her day doing her best to add value to all their lives and mentor the girls at the same time. Trey’s respect for the small woman went up several significant notches. It had started out fairly high to begin with. “I do not wish to see more. I think we should take a break, and start this again in the morning. I have a very strong need to find my Bevy and just hold her.”

“It’s all right, Trey. Get some rest. I think I found what I needed. If you wouldn’t mind, finish copying all the data onto a drive for me tomorrow. And cousin,” he said softly. Trey turned and gazed at him. “Thank you for being here for this. We often lament what we have lost. I am eternally grateful tonight for what we were blessed to keep. At least we still have each other.”

Trey nodded wordlessly then walked back to Hunter and hugged him in a rare show of affection. Hunter closed his eyes and appreciated the fact that he still had a cousin to embrace. He waited for the other man to leave before unplugging the devices and shutting down the computers.

Then he simply sat in the darkened room, haunted by the image of Arianna with which the news footage had ended. He would never forget that look of complete emptiness on her face, in her eyes, as long as he lived. She was usually so very happy and strong, and yet so fragile and broken at the same time. But at least now he knew. He knew where the darkness inside her came from. He would not bring up her loss or the tragedy that had taken her family from her. He would let her tell him about it when she was ready.

And now he had hope that she would, someday, be ready. She had so much love in her heart, so much to give, and it showed in everything she did and said. She would not be able to withhold her love for very long, of that he was certain. Especially if he and Jace made sure she could not help but fall in love with them. She was scared, but he sensed that she had an incredible capacity for adaptation, acceptance, and making the best out of whatever situation she found herself in.

He finally had to admit that she was right to hesitate in allowing a relationship that would end without children, especially when she knew that procreation was vital to their group’s continued survival on this planet. She was right to consider the feelings of the men who were courting her, and to try to protect them from the very real heartbreak of not being able to have a family later. He could even see it as noble that she had not led them to believe otherwise, but was forthright about it, letting them make the decision for themselves.

But as he had told her, there was more to life than bearing children. He still did not know how he was going to prove that to her, and a tiny part of him was saddened that he would not have a family with her. Not because he was hell-bent on spreading his seed, but simply because he would have loved to have had children with her someday. He had already tried to imagine a child with both of their features and traits, and it warmed his heart. Her barrenness was a serious consideration, and one he had to think about for awhile. He was the commander of the ‘colony’ they had started. He had obligations and a duty to his directives, even if he was no longer in contact with his home world or high command. He had to set an example.

Didn’t he?

For several more hours, he sat there, thinking about what he wanted to do, what he knew he should do, and finally came to a decision that weighed heavily on his heart. Having made up his mind definitively, he got slowly to his feet to make his way back to his quarters.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

The next morning, a very subdued Arianna was sitting on the couch, looking down at her hands, clenched nervously in her lap. Beside her sat baskets of fiber and tools, already neatly packed and waiting. One other held her personal items… clothing, all the little things she’d made to put in the apartment, anything else that might remind the men of her. She left no trace of herself, convinced it was what they would want.

When Hunter emerged, exhausted and drained, from his bedroom and saw her there, he paused.

They had not talked about her admission the night before, and he had a feeling that perhaps that had been a bad idea. He had needed time to process what she’d told him, then he had seen those videos, and he’d needed to talk to his brother about it. Hunter had run into Jace on the way to their quarters from patrol, and told him of what he’d found. Jace had decided to stay up to watch the videos for himself. The recordings had only spurred him to find a solution for their Arianna sooner, rather than later. Hunter had known they would. Taking a pot of stimulant tea with him, Jace went off to the med center to do some more research.

While the night had been enlightening and he had come to his decision, Hunter had been too caught up in his own turmoil to consider what Arianna might be thinking, how she might have taken his silence and his abrupt departure. He’d needed desperately to clear his head, to think. But in her misery and selflessness, she’d shut her mind to his. She wouldn’t have known why he’d left, nor understood his prolonged absence. While yes, she’d been unreasonable, he silently cursed himself for not waking her immediately and reassuring her.

He was an ass.

He took in her hunched shoulders, her pale, tight hands, and the trails of red on her cheeks that bore witness to the fact that she’d been crying, a lot. She’d fallen asleep on the couch, but he hadn’t had the heart to wake her when he came in a mere two hours before sunrise. So he’d left her there, though he’d made sure to cover her securely and tuck a pillow beneath her head. Now he was exhausted. He had been unprepared for the discovery of her loss, and didn’t want to bring that up yet, anyhow. So he simply stood there, waiting for her to make the first move. He didn’t know why she’d packed all her things, but the empty spaces on shelves and in corners made him want to throw things, rage at her in denial.

“It’s okay,” she mumbled, barely loud enough for him to hear when she couldn’t take the silence any longer. “I… Hunter, I understand. I packed my stuff, so if you’ll call someone to take me to the women’s dorm, I’ll get out of your way. I hope that we can keep a professional relationship until the groups are fully integrated and the women trust you as their leader. And… I hope that we can be friends. Eventually. Maybe.”

For a long moment, he just stared at her, fighting the tightness in his throat. Her heart was broken. He could sense her overwhelming emotions, suddenly realized that she felt useless and inconsequential, especially in their current situation. That was his fault. He should have explained. He should have taken every chance to reiterate that her being barren had no effect on his desire for her.

At that moment, he hated himself for the hours of heart-break she had been through, even though most of it was not his fault. He had known it was an issue for her. And he knew women well enough to know that they very rarely took a man’s assurance once, for anything. Human women were proving to be no different. While the matter had been settled in his mind long ago, in hers it was still the biggest hurdle to their being together as mates. Hunter wanted to laugh, cry, shake her, and cherish her, all at once. Instead, all he could do was stand there and watch her, his throat moving spasmodically as he was overcome with her pain and his own panic.

The tension in the room swelled to just about the breaking point as he tried to figure out what to say, how to let her know in no uncertain terms that he wanted her. He could just let her feel his decision, if she’d only drop the wall she had against his thoughts, but she had it firmly in place. He found it strange that she could allow him to hear hers, but wouldn’t allow herself to hear his. Finally, when she seemed able to take the silence no longer, she turned broken eyes to his. His heart nearly shattered at the grief in her face.

Holding her gaze, he walked to her and sank down onto the couch. She let out a tiny whimper, as though she had not been able to keep the little cry inside her, and Hunter tugged her roughly into his arms. She sobbed then, trying to catch it before it got out, but he held her more tightly, kissing her hair. She let loose, weeping all over him. He sensed that she thought he was saying good-bye. He found he couldn’t speak past the lump in his throat. Her arms snaked around him to hold him to her and she wept for what seemed like an hour, her body jerking and shuddering with the force of her emotions.

Hunter had never been in a serious relationship, but he had a rather large family. He knew that even the strongest of women sometimes just needed a good cry, whether they had a reason to do so or not. And he also knew that the best thing to do with a crying woman was to just hold her, love her, and wait for the storm to spend itself. So he closed his eyes and did just that.

When she finally quieted, he tipped her face up to his and kissed the hell out of her, stunning her, stunning them both with the ferocity of the kiss.

“Woman,” he breathed when he finally let her loose for air, “If you ever threaten to abandon me again, I will lock you in my room and keep you tied to my bed until you understand.”

“Understand what?” she asked timidly, swiping her sleeve over her eyes.

“That I will not let you go. Ever.”

She stared up at him at that, her lower lip quivering. Shyly, she raised her hand to his face and cupped his jaw, a question in her eyes.

“Hunter, you want children. I can’t give them to you, and you deserve better than me. I’m broken in ways you can’t possibly understand. I’d rather go now, having known such happiness as you and Jace have given me this past week, than later, when I’ve fallen in love with you, but you’ve grown to hate me because I cannot give you what you want.”