Heaven or Hell (19 page)

Teresa turned to her son and nodded as she took a seat. “Let’s let him finish, JJ.” JJ pulled over another chair.

“Thank you.” Joe exhaled. “I thought this would happen differently.” He stopped, rested, than began to speak again. “I’ve got to start with your mother, Teresa.”

She nodded, all the while silently singing the words, “He can’t touch me.”

“JJ, your grandmother was a very strong woman. Well, she
is
a strong woman. In fact, it’s because of her that I knew you’d resist me. Well, not me, but what I’m about to tell you.”

“Joe, it’s what any reasonable person would do. Mom has nothing to do with this,” Teresa said.

“Okay, well I know at your mother’s funeral—the one I didn’t go to—you had to be physically taken away from the viewing, Teresa. I know that those stupid twins, the cousins three times removed from your mother’s side of the family, put something in the restroom toilet at the gathering after the funeral. Remember, the toilets backed up? And I know that at your college graduation, your future husband brought you a bouquet of peach-colored roses.” Joe reached for the cup again while Teresa stopped JJ from getting up to help. Joe made contact with his lips and managed to drink the remaining water without spillage.

JJ had sunk back down into the chair next to her. “Mom, is it true?” JJ asked.

“Yes, well, I didn’t know that’s why the toilets backed up at the funeral home,” she said.

“Marion gave me this information as a form of proof. She told me to give you time so it could sink in and make sense, after all.” Joe licked his chapped lips and mumbled, “I think she didn’t know I wouldn’t have much time.”

“My crying and hanging on to my mother’s dead body, well that’s not a very obscure fact.” Teresa had forgotten how difficult her mother’s funeral was, another unpleasant part of her history she’d worked hard to erase. Just a teenager, lost without her mom, she’d learned to be an adult on her own, because certainly her dad was nowhere to be found.

“Marion was upset with me, and she still is.” Her dad shook his head. “Your mother was the love of my life. She was my backbone, and at the time, I thought she was all of my strength. I couldn’t cope with either of the deaths. I had some type of breakdown, I believe. It wasn’t long after your mother died that I started hearing her.” He stared intently at Teresa before opening his mouth again.

“At first I didn’t know what all the noise was. Later, she told me that when she started speaking to me, she didn’t really know what she was doing. Learning how to communicate into this world took her quite some time. Apparently it helps if the person you’re trying to communicate with is open-minded. I guess being in an altered state helps, too. You’ve got to understand that I was inebriated when I first heard her, and I thought I was just hearing voices, so I drank more. I wanted the screeching, nonsensical sounds to go away.”

Joe smacked his tongue on the roof of his mouth. “JJ, can you fill this cup again, please?”

JJ stood up, scooped the pitcher in his left hand, and poured the water in one swift move.

“Oh, a lefty, that’s different to the Torres family,” Joe said.

“JJ’s last name is Reynolds,” Teresa countered, wanting to put him in his place.

“Yes, but he still has Torres blood in his veins.”

Teresa waved her hand and frowned. “Okay, okay. Let’s continue from the voice.”

JJ found a few straws behind the pitcher. He handed one to Joe. “Here you go, Gramps.”

“Thank you, son,” Joe said.

Teresa’s stomach tightened listening to her son’s expression of affection toward her dad. She rolled her hands as a signal to her father to speed up.

“Oh, right, the voice.” He took a sip through the straw and managed a half smile. “So, the voice kept telling me how I ruined her baby’s life. After a lot more drinking to shut up the voice, and a few further crazy incidents that we don’t have time to discuss, I learned the voice was your mother. Over time I found out she was angry with me because of the position I left you in, and then, eventually, I figured out your mom was talking about both you and your sister. Your mother’s been adamant that I fix the things I broke.” Joe wiped his forehead with the back of his hand.

“This is more difficult than I thought.” Joe swallowed and continued in a tone just above a whisper that Teresa had to lean in now to hear. “I wrote this out in a book for you. I really thought you’d refuse to see me.”

Teresa opened her mouth to speak, but her dad put his hand up to stop her. “No, please, let me continue. You know if anyone could somehow communicate anger from a different world it would be your mother. As strange as this sounds, it’s about to get stranger …”

Joe put his hand on his cheek and went on, “Your sister has been with you through your divorce, and she’s watched JJ grow up. When she’s not around your family, she floats in the clouds. Weird, isn’t it? Remember when Angela use to lie in the grass and look up at the clouds?”

“It’s weird,” agreed Teresa with a smirk. She thought her father was strange, probably crazy, and yet she resisted the impulse to run. As bizarre as the whole story sounded, in some freaky way she enjoyed hearing about Angela and her mother. It’d been years since she’d thought about her family in the intimate manner her dad took on in referring to them.

“Angela loved dogs. Remember? For years she begged for a puppy. Did you know your mother wanted one too? Marion had dogs when she was growing up.” Her father managed to take a deep breath. “I never allowed it, though, because I didn’t want the house to smell like a dog. One of my many regrets … Anyhow, when Angela couldn’t find her way to … heaven, I guess—she forgot who she was. Angela wouldn’t go near people, of any kind. So your mother sent her prized dogs to watch over Angela, and it seemed to have worked.”

The more he said, the more made up his story sounded. Teresa shook her head, but decided to appease her dying father. “Assuming this is not a complete hallucination, why didn’t Mom just go and get her?”

“It’s not that easy.” Joe raised his left brow. “Angela’s stubbornly tied to this world. She thought her name was Angel, and at one point she thought she was going to be your child. Angela avoids anything and everything that comes near her, except those two little dogs. That’s the reason your mother sent them.” Joe paused as if to gather his strength, and then spoke again. “Oh and this is only the abridged version of a much larger story. I know, I know, it all sounds crazy.”

A psychotic break brought on by a flood of toxins from the liver was the only explanation Teresa could think of. “Go on.” Teresa nodded, as if trying to encourage him.

“I realize you’re not believing a word of this. It’s the reason I want you to remember it for later. Okay?”

“Yes,” JJ answered.

Joe winked at JJ and continued, “Here’s the plan. When I die in the next few days, I’m taking Angela with me. We’re going home.”

“Okay, and why did you feel the need to share this with us?” Teresa was surprised at how nonchalant her own voice sounded.

“I can’t just make this right with one daughter when I go. I’ve got to try to make it right with you as well. It might not be today, but a few years from now you’ll understand.” Joe closed his eyes for a second and then opened them again to speak. “I sleep and have these dreams. I meditate and can communicate back and forth with your mother. It’s not the same as you and I talking right now. It’s more like symbols or visions that I sometimes don’t get or I get the message wrong. It’s like looking at those 3D optical illusions. I almost have to cross my eyes and let my mind go somewhere else to translate the message. It’s not easy.” He sighed deeply, as though just thinking about the difficult process required a great effort on his part.

“One time your mother was trying to tell me about a recipe. The spice cake she made from scratch. I thought she was telling me the food was poisoned.”

In spite of the craziness, Teresa smiled. The spice cake recipe was something both she and Aunt Jessie had tried to replicate for years.

“Did you happen to remember the recipe?” Teresa forced herself to stop smiling for fear of her dad taking it as some type of approval.

“Oh, I had no choice once I figured out what she was telling me. She said I would have an opportunity to give it to you and Jessie. Marion went on and on about how important the recipe would be.”

“JJ, go and get a pen and paper.” Teresa, excited now, gestured JJ toward the door. “Ask the nurse, go on.”

“You know, I argued with your mother on this topic. I really didn’t want to spend my time memorizing the recipe. Marion let me write it down, but she insisted I memorize it. She said our meeting wouldn’t be under ideal circumstances.”

Within seconds, JJ had returned with a pad of paper and a pen and sat down ready to take dictation.

“Okay, Joe. Let’s hear it,” Teresa said.

Joe closed his eyes and relayed the recipe in detail. When he’d completed the task, he opened his eyes. “Will you share that with Jessie so I can forget it? I’ve been working on that for the last few years. I could go a lifetime without having to repeat that recipe again.”

“I’ll make sure Aunt Jessie gets a copy,” JJ said.

“I’ve got more details and stories, but, Teresa, I’ve told you the most important pieces. Your sister got lost and I’m going to save her …” Joe paused for a moment as if he were considering the next move in a chess game.

Teresa, distracted by the recipe that she now held in her hand, only partly listened to her father.

“The other thing your mother believes is that I ruined your life, Teresa. What happened to you, because of me, made it real difficult for you to have a family and lead the life you were supposed to live.”

“I’m sorry, Joe, what’d you just say?” Teresa asked. She folded the recipe and put it in her purse.

“I said, I ruined your life too. You know I did,” Joe responded.

“No. Stop that.” Oh how this man seemed to wear her out.

“I understand what I just said was quick and to the point, but you’ve been about to leave since you walked through the door,” her dad told her.

“And let’s say my life is your responsibility. What could you possibly do about it now? Aren’t you a little too late?” Teresa stood up.

“Well, yes, for me, but you’ve got a lot of time left. Gosh, I don’t know what to do about it now. I was hoping for a brilliant answer to come to me.” He crinkled his face as if he was in pain. He probably was—the expression wasn’t in upset over her, she decided.

“You’re kidding, right? That’s all you’ve got,” JJ said.

“No, son, I’m not kidding. I can tell my story, and I can apologize—and I do mean it. But beyond this, I think it’s up to your mom to figure things out, because as hard as I try, I can’t go back in time and change my actions. Believe me, if I could I would. I’d rather have been the one in that car or with the cancer. Both Marion and Angela wanted to live and couldn’t go on, and what a waste my life has been.” Joe looked at Teresa as tears rolled down his cheeks.

Teresa, numb from the day, stood and pulled JJ out of his chair. She put her arm through her son’s. “I think we’re going to leave now, Joe. You could use the rest, and I’m not buying your little scheme, whatever it is. So for now, we have to say good-bye.” A stranger’s flat monotone voice had filled the air, and then she realized it was her own.

Teresa tugged on JJ’s arm as she headed toward the door.

“At least try the recipe—you’ll see. And, JJ, don’t forget that attorney’s name I gave you. If we don’t meet again, I’m proud of you, my grandson. I’m proud of both of you …”

Teresa and JJ moved down the hall toward the lobby, and for a few steps further she heard her father’s voice. She ignored him and squeezed her son’s arm tightly. Together, they continued in silence to the automatic doors. Once they’d exited the hospital, Teresa was relieved to feel the night air splash against her face.

She took a deep breath and then spoke. “What’s this about an attorney?”

“I told him about my driver’s permit and the car. You know, when we were waiting for you. He said to call his friend, Steve Haut. Your dad said he’s the best.” JJ stood at the passenger side of the car speaking to his mother over the roof. “But, Mom, you’ve got to admit, there’s been some weird noises in the house over the years.”

“JJ, we live on a fault line in the middle of earthquake territory. He’s crazy, and the toxins in his body are making it worse …” Teresa’s voice trailed off into a whisper.

“Well, I’m sorry then. It was my idea to see him,” JJ said.

“No, no. You’re not to blame. What did you tell him about needing an attorney?” Teresa asked.

“Just what happened, nothing more.” When the lock clicked open, JJ got in the car. “I think I would’ve liked your dad,” he said while he put on his seatbelt.

“Oh, that’s the problem. He’s so likable,” Teresa answered.

“Well, he said the guy has connections at the police station.”

“Okay,” Teresa answered, distracted by the conversation with her dad. “We might do that.” She bit her lip and thought for a moment about her life. So what if she was absent a husband and liked to clean a little? At least she was content. What had her father tried to say to her? First he said he was proud, then he said she hadn’t led the life she was supposed to. The man was delusional.

CHAPTER 18
 

ALONE IN HIS HOSPITAL ROOM, JOE gulped in air as quickly as he could and exhaled in the way the respiratory therapist had showed him to. Father Benjamin had somehow managed to get his daughter to visit, and Joe had blown it. She’d rushed him and pushed every button possible. Teresa was very much like her mother; he realized he couldn’t demand she listen or believe him, but Joe was disappointed at how he felt forced to minimize his own experience. Then he’d hurriedly blurted out to Teresa that her life basically sucked.