Heller's Regret (16 page)

My front door opened and I heard familiar
footsteps heading towards me. Light switches clicked off all over
my flat.

“It seems you forgot to turn off a few lights
before you went to sleep,” Heller commented mildly, standing at my
bedroom door.

“Did I? Silly me. How wasteful.” I realised
then I had a death grip on the sheets and relaxed my aching
fingers. He turned off the bedroom light and climbed into bed with
me, pulling me close to his body.

“I’m sorry, my sweet. I didn’t mean to upset
you. I didn’t know you’d be so insulted by my suggestion. It made
perfect sense to me. Perhaps I was in business mode.”

“When aren’t you in business mode?”

“When I’m doing this.” His hands got busy.
“And this.”

I pushed his hands away. “Stop it. I don’t
want to.”

“Please don’t be angry with me. I hate it
when that happens.”

I sighed. “I’m not angry. I know you were
worried for me and that what you proposed made the most sense to
you. But I just don’t look at things the same way as you do,
Heller. I don’t want to have some business agreement with the man
who shares my bed. I want you to think about me with
this
,”
I laid my hand on his chest between his pecs, “not
this
,” I
said, kissing his temple.

“That’s why you’re so important to me. I need
you for balance or I’d be all business.”

“Not
all
business,” I replied archly.
“You managed to find time for plenty of one night stands.”

“Mere physical release, Matilda. Nothing
more. And aren’t you pleased I’m no monk?”

I snorted with disrespect. “You a monk?
Hardly.”

“I’m very holy. I guarantee I’ll make you
offer up ardent prayers of gratitude for the services I’ve
rendered,” he smiled.

I yanked my pillow out from under my head and
tried to wallop him with it, but he skillfully dodged the soft
blow. “You have such an enormous ego, I don’t know how it fits
through the door.”

“I have to walk in sideways,” he laughed,
prudently staying out of reach of my deadly cushiony weapon.

I abandoned the pillow and jumped on him
instead. We mock-wrestled for a while, laughing, the quilt slipping
off the bed, the sheets twisting into a knot. He was gentle,
letting me ‘win’ the skirmish. I sat on him, ignoring the telltale
stirrings of his mighty ramrod.

He closed his eyes, clamping his hands on my
waist to shift me. “Matilda, please. That’s not a good place to sit
if you wish to rest tonight.”

“Feels good to me,” I said with a touch of
pure wickedness. I even wiggled around a little to torture him
more.

“I’m warning you. I can’t be held responsible
for the power you’re unleashing.”

My resultant giggling fit from this conceited
statement cost me my dominance over him. He flipped me on my back,
taking his turn to straddle me.

“Shall I be merciful or not?” he pretended to
ponder, doing his best Hamlet impersonation.

“What if you hurt me?” I asked with a good
dollop of pathos, making my eyes as huge and full of heart-tugging
appeal as Bambi’s.

“I wouldn’t. We’ll go to sleep,” he declared,
kissing me. I let him kiss me some more before I slept, confident
that with him next to me, Rose wouldn’t dare to reappear.

But despite the laughter I’d shared with
Heller, alone in my dreams I returned to the house. Disturbing,
jumbled fragments of terror starring Rose, Samuel, Miss Grimsley
and a crazy, filthy, blood-caked me haunted me for hours, robbing
me of the peaceful sleep I needed. The dreams morphed into the
mental health ward, where I struggled, restrained to the bed,
begging, pleading to the doctors to release me. But they didn’t
hear me, huddling in the corner, conferring and discussing me,
finally agreeing I needed an immediate lobotomy. One of them
advanced towards me, the circular saw in his hands glinting evilly
in the light.

I woke up screaming in absolute terror at
that point, backed up against the bed’s headboard, fending off the
circular saw with my hands. I was so afraid, it took Heller a while
to even get me to recognise him, let alone calm down. I started
crying. I’d had drugs in hospital to control my moods, but I was on
my own here, vulnerable and emotional, a prisoner of my memories
and fears.

He rang someone and within fifteen minutes
poor Dr Kincaid arrived at my flat, panting with exertion
suggesting he’d run here. Heller and he had a hurried and hushed
discussion in the lounge room before Dr Kincaid gingerly entered my
bedroom. I had the blanket pulled up around my ears, clutching it
tightly, my eyes constantly darting around the room searching for
any signs of Samuel or Rose. My pyjamas adhered to my body with
perspiration.

I knew I wasn’t in a good way because Dr
Kincaid didn’t even make one rude comment about being forced here
to treat me again.

He sat on my bed, and in a sympathetic way
I’d never imagined he’d possess, initiated a long, calm
conversation with me about what I had been through and my current
fears. Heller leaned on the doorway, grim, silent and not
interfering. The doctor gave me a sleeping tablet, which I
willingly swallowed, trusting in his judgement.

“I don’t know why I’m freaking out like this
tonight. I’ve been fine since I came home.”

“Did something happen recently to trigger bad
memories?”

“We went to a funeral today, the second one
in quick succession. It really wasn’t a sad event, and deep down, I
know that. But I’ve felt quite upset and depressed about everything
since the funeral ended.”

“Maybe you should take up the psychiatrist’s
suggested counselling. You’ve been through some very traumatic
experiences, Miss Tilly. Don’t discount the effects of that. It can
sometimes take a while to truly recover.”

“I’ve been thinking that myself.”

“What’s his name? I’ll ask him to ring you.
It might be enough to talk to him over the phone.” He patted me on
the shoulder. “Don’t forget that you’re working through what
happened to you through your dreams. It’s unpleasant and
frightening, I know, but it can help in the long run. But I’ll be
concerned if these nightmares continue, so I need to know if you
have any more.”

“Matilda, I’ll give Dr Kincaid the contact
details for Dr Reid. You go back to sleep. I’ll join you
shortly.”

I nodded, already feeling drowsy from the
sleeping tablet. I rolled over in bed and slept peacefully for the
rest of the night.

The next morning, I was ashamed of my
hysterical behaviour the previous evening. Heller was still asleep
in bed with me – something I always loved. I wasn’t in a hurry
myself, groggy from the tablet’s after effects.

Eventually he roused and stretched his entire
body, his feet hanging over the edge of my bed. It was a nice treat
first thing in the morning to watch all his muscles rippling and
tensing, especially when the sheet slipped down, displaying his
spectacular nakedness.

“Interested?” he asked with a smile when he
noticed me admiring his morning glory.

“I
want
to, believe me, but with my
current energy levels, I think I’d need someone here to help me get
on and off.”

He laughed and kissed. “We’ll take each day
as it comes. It won’t be long before you’re regularly ripping off
my clothes and violating my virtue again.”

“Your virtue?” I laughed. “I think you waved
goodbye to that a long, long time ago.”

“And I’ve never regretted it once,” he smiled
again, throwing his long legs over the side of the bed and ambling
to the bathroom. I watched him walk there and back, enjoying the
scenery immensely.

“I better head back to my place to get ready
for work.” Nonchalantly, he strolled out of my bedroom.

“Heller! Put some clothes on!” I squeaked,
scandalised.

“Why?”

“You can’t walk upstairs butt naked.”

He leaned over and slipped on the jeans he’d
worn last night, shaking his head. “You’re so strange sometimes,
Matilda.”

“There are cameras everywhere.”

“So?”

“Do you want your men to cop an eyeful of
your package?”

“I don’t care.”

“They might.”

“They’re used to it.” He leaned over the bed
to kiss me. “Goodbye, Miss Morals. Take it easy today. Are you
going to stay here?”

“I think so. I should do some housework.”

“Please don’t work too hard.”

“Nah. I’ll potter around, I promise.”

“I’ll see you tonight. I’m very busy onsite
all day.”

“Okay, bye.”

The day passed peacefully, my flat a lot
cleaner by the end than it had been at the beginning. It’d been a
while since I’d spent much time with Daniel and Niq, so I trooped
around their normal after-hour stomping grounds looking for them,
finding them on the rooftop, playing pool.

I’d thought that might be a strong chance, so
had worn clothes suitable for the hot tub. I’d tried on all my
bikinis, but the tops now gaped embarrassingly because of my weight
loss, exposing my boobs to the world. So I wore one of them under a
t-shirt, teamed with a pair of board shorts.

“Hi, guys,” I said, kissing both of them. I
climbed into the hot tub, groaning with pleasure when I sank into
the warm water. I hadn’t even made it upstairs to the rooftop since
I came home from hospital. “Oh man, I missed this. It’s
so
wonderful.”

The guys soon joined me and we chatted for a
while.

“So, Tilly,” said Niq excitedly. “Is it
really true you saw a ghost?”

I made light of the experience. “Oh yeah, it
was no big deal.”

Daniel shot me a knowing look. He knew what
really had happened, but I was so glad they’d decided to shield
Niq. He didn’t need to know I’d been in a psych ward.

“You’re so pale now, you look like a ghost
yourself,” teased Daniel. “And thin enough to almost be a
skeleton.”

“Guess I have my Halloween costume sorted,” I
smiled. “I’ll just go as myself – the multi-monster.” I splashed
him with water. He splashed me back, but I didn’t fail to notice he
was gentle about it. “I won’t break with a bit of water,
Danny.”

“Who knows? You might also be an evil witch
who dissolves in water.”

“In case you haven’t noticed, I’m sitting in
water, so I don’t think that’s a valid hypothesis.”

“In that case.” He splashed me a couple
times.

“Hey!” I complained, water dripping from my
hair and face. I held up my hands, which no longer were bandaged,
but were still covered with plasters. My wrists remained bandaged,
some of the cuts I’d inflicted on myself quite deep and infected
with bacteria. It would be a while before they were back to normal.
“I’m not supposed to get these wet.”

“What happened to your arms?” Niq asked
innocently.

Daniel and I exchanged a glance. “I hurt
myself a little while I was on the assignment. I have a couple of
bad cuts on them.”

“What from?” he persisted.

We were straying into dangerous territory.
I’d rather die before I admitted to Daniel that, in my delusion,
I’d thought his knife scars were the best way to remember him. I’d
begged Heller to not let anyone ever tell him, and he’d agreed that
would be wisest thing to do. The last thing Daniel needed was a
setback from someone he trusted so much just when he was making
real progress towards getting back to his normal, beautiful
self.

“I cut myself on something, sweetie,” I said
evasively, picking my words carefully. I couldn’t meet Daniel’s
eyes.

“On what?”

Curse the kid for being so nosy. “Something
sharp.”

“What?”

“I don’t remember,” I lied, using the world’s
most feeble excuse.

His look was all pity. “You must be getting
old if you can’t remember something like that.”

“Guess I must.” I stood up desperately to
stop the interrogation. “Have you guys eaten?”

“Stay here, Tilly. Niq and I can manage
dinner.”

“I don’t mind helping. It’s good for me to do
the things I love.”

“Okay, but we’ll get the food.”

Daniel and Niq brought back a nice array of
meat perfect for the BBQ and a nice mixed salad. I raised my
eyebrows at the quantity. “How many people are you expecting?”

“You know what it’s like around here,”
grunted Daniel, dumping his armful of food on the bench. “The
second you start cooking, everybody else turns up expecting
some.”

And that’s exactly what happened again, Sid
and Clive arriving first, Heller later when he returned from
work.

I greeted Sid and Clive quietly. Clive
answered me with an inarticulate grunt that could have meant
anything from, “Good evening to you too, Tilly” to “I hope you drop
dead soon, but not before you’ve caught the plague”. Sid did
something most unexpected, awkwardly kissing me on the top of my
head. Daniel and I tried not to giggle while Sid busied himself
retrieving a couple of beers from the fridge.

Heller kissed my forehead and sat next to me
when he arrived, draping his arm around my shoulders. I refused
when Daniel offered to get me a glass of wine. I wondered if I’d
ever drink again.

The evening passed quickly. I looked around
at everyone, unbelievably grateful to be safe and with them all
again, even Clive. Much later, when I drowsed against Heller’s
shoulder as they chatted on, he took me back to his place and I had
one of the best sleeps I’d managed for ages, waking up a few times
to find him looking down at me, intensely tender.

“Don’t you ever sleep?” I murmured.

“Not with you here to look at,” he
smiled.

“And that is
not
creepy at all.”

“I never thought it was,” he teased.

I fell asleep again, snuggling his comforting
form.

Chapter 12

The days passed peacefully. I visited my
parents a couple of times, but my mother’s over-the-top fussing
about my appearance and her insistence in trying to force feed me
an enormous three-course meal impossible for me to finish, had me
fleeing in haste both times.