Hello Loved Ones (33 page)

Cash’s eyebrows shot up. “Holy shit. That’s fucked up.”

She went on, her voice unsteady. “Then my dad, I mean
Richard
, who by the way is already drunk, went and announced it to the whole church.”

Cash whistled. “Wow.” He started shaking his head. She knew that shake. The pity shake. If she was tired of it before, she’d get it tenfold from now on.

“So why did Richard come tonight if he’s not your dad?”

“He just found out too.”

“What are you going to do?” he said.

The panic rose again, but she pushed it away.

“I don’t even know if it’s true.”

“Why would they say it in front of everyone if it’s not true?”

Oh. So tactless. You don’t just come at a person with a question like that. It was a challenge. Worse, it was two fists raised, daring you to deny you’re about to get your ass kicked.

“My mom’s trying to get back at my dad, that’s all,” she said, thinking
here’s what I’ll do! Simply refuse it!
“He used to beat her up,” she said, “And then he left us on our own. She’s probably been plotting something like this for years.”

He frowned. She could read his thoughts.
Uh-huh. Right. Sure.
He chewed on his lip and stared out the window toward the church. When he turned to look at her it was
bammo!
Right in her eyes. “What if it’s true?”

She flinched. “If it’s true that means that for sixteen years he’s never wanted anything to do with me. It means that my mom would rather watch me make a fool of myself instead of tell me the truth.”

There it was. No sugar-coating. Cash’s quiet nod verified what on her own she would never believe: even this was possible.

“What kind of people would do such a thing?” she asked.

“Cowards,” he said finally. They sat a moment, quiet. He put his hand carefully over hers. To her horror, she felt everything caving in. Like a landslide.

Her voice grew thick. “Maybe Pastor Voss thought I was going to be different. Maybe he was planning to tell me, but then I was a disappointment to him. He probably doesn’t even
like
me.” She was turning messy, embarrassed at how she sounded as she tried to talk through tears. Some cries were graceful enough that you could still make your mouth work. Others were all-out wails that used up every part of you. For these it was best to save your words. She hugged her knees tight and cried.

“Sssh,” Cash said, probably thinking
pull yourself together woman!
Certainly not understanding that a thing could be bigger than all your efforts.

“Just imagine what my mom’s been thinking every time she looks at me! She’s probably exhausted having to pretend. It’s a duty, like going to work.”

“Nah,” he said. But it was weak. He didn’t know any better than she did.

“I’ll show them!” she cried. “Where are the tracks? Over by the junkyard? I’ll throw myself in front of a train!”

“Hey now, wait a minute.”

“I’ll drown myself in the lake! What about pills? Where can I get my hands on some pills?”

“Come on. You’re overreacting.”

Maybe. She didn’t
want
to die.

“But wouldn’t it be worth it to see the looks on their faces?” she said. “Assuming I
could
see them from heaven. Assuming I’d go to heaven. If I kill myself even God won’t want me.”

It was clear. She had no one.

“What’s wrong with me?” she whispered.

He squeezed her hand.

“I might as well tell you,” he said. “I didn’t have to work tonight. I was waiting over here to get a look at you.”

She turned her head and sniffed. “Why?”

He smiled, shy-like. “You
know
.”

“Are you saying you like me?”

“You know I like you.”

If he thought she knew that, what other great mysteries of life might she unravel? Sally No-Name cures cancer. Or explains the great pyramids.

“I don’t know anything! Isn’t that obvious?”

It was the wrong reaction. She’d left his declaration hanging and now his jaw took on a hard edge.

“Well, why didn’t you say so before?” she said, embarrassed.

He sighed again. She was wrecking this too. She didn’t mean to. She was only trying to sort it out. Did he see something in her that couldn’t possibly be there?

How long before he realized his mistake?

She lunged forward and threw her arms awkwardly around his neck, feeling the solid thud of her body on his. His head knocked back against the car door as she buried her face in his neck. She nearly apologized, but didn’t. Everything was a tug of war. A hanging on for dear life. Every inch counted. There was the inch from his neck to his ears. Then to his cheek. And another one to his lips. A kiss was nothing now, a small gift to this person who liked her
even now
.

“Thank you,” she said. She understood what he was telling her.
I’m here. Now and always
. It didn’t matter that those weren’t his exact words. Why, just saying what he’d said, who knows how much courage he had to stockpile for that?

He laughed, happy. “Let’s get out of here.”

She nodded. From now on she’d put him first. Nothing she wanted mattered. She’d had her turn.

“Let’s go to the beach,” she said recklessly. Whatever he said! She was ready.

He rubbed his chin. “You know, that sounds great, but I’ve sort of got a curfew. I have to have the car back by ten.”

He was supposed to be there for her always, not just until ten.

“It’s almost ten now,” she cried. “I can’t go home!”

He turned to her eagerly. “You can come to my house and stay in the garage. My parents go to bed early. They’ll never know.”

“But how will I get home?”

“I thought you didn’t want to go home.”

He had a point. Still.

“That’s a terrible plan,” she said.

“You got a better one?”

She had nothing. No plan. No money. No ties to anyone. Spending the night in a garage sounded terrible, but at least her mom would never find her there. She’d be out all night looking and that was a satisfying thought. Sally may have started this journey but someone else had released the brakes and if everything spun out of control, it wasn’t her fault.

“All right, go,” she said, and he surprised her by laying hard on the gas. She gripped the armrest tight as they peeled out into the street. There it was, then. Decided.

Cash lived on Beeline Road in a little house surrounded by tall scrubby pines. In place of grass there stretched a carpet of rust-colored pine needles over dirt. They pulled into a long, unpaved driveway and Sally saw a tire swing off to one side. She tried to imagine Cash as a kid, laughing and twisting, the ground carved out under him where he dragged his feet. She loved a tire swing. She might have gone over to try it, if the circumstances were different. Now she’d probably never do those kinds of silly things again.

He pulled into the garage and turned off the car. It was ten on the dot.

“Be right back,” he said. See, Cash’s parents cared enough to wonder where he was, to make rules for him. That said a lot about a person.

He came out carrying a pillow and a can of 7-Up.

“Sorry I don’t have anything stronger. My parents don’t drink.”

A pang of disappointment surprised her. She’d never had a drop of alcohol in her life. Suddenly she craved a taste. More than a taste. She wanted to blur the edges off everything.

“How about some music?” he said and she nodded. He flipped the radio on. WLIT. Soothing Sounds of the Night.

“Won’t you run your battery down?”

“Aw, I can jump her.”

“What if your parents come out?”

He studied her a moment. “You’re kinda uptight. You know that?”

“I just don’t want any trouble. Haven’t I got enough?”

“Well, they’re asleep. And I deliver the Sunday Sentinel, so they expect me to leave early in the morning.”

Convenient. Maybe she
could
relax a little.

He pointed with his head. “You wanna move to the back seat? It’s more comfortable. I mean, if you’re going to try to sleep.”

“I’m fine,” she said quickly. She wasn’t that relaxed. Or stupid enough to fall for an amateur trick like that. But when he gently took her hand again it was so comforting. Not tricky at all. She gave a small squeeze, another thank you. Silent this time. She couldn’t go on gushing
thank you! thank you!
all night. He wasn’t donating a kidney or anything. It was Saturday night. He was bored. She was available. That was all.

He started kissing her. Okay. It felt like more. It felt like he was telling her she was special. Oh, the way his lips said so much without speaking! Who needed words? Words were too much, or never enough.

His mouth grew harder on hers. He was good at this. He’d done it before. She was probably one of many. Didn’t he say it himself?
You’re no different than anyone
. Now she wanted him to stop. Not that it mattered. Look where wanting had gotten her. Wanting her father had ruined her life. It had brought her to Cash, to these hands of his that were moving on her with a purpose, like they were asking for something.
Gimme, gimme, gimme
, said his hands.

She pulled back. “Cash, wait.”

He stopped immediately. His features were soft in the dim light. His eyes moist and true. He was respecting her virtue! Just like the pastor said.

“What am I going to do?” she asked. “Shouldn’t I be
doing
something?”

“All you have to do is let me cheer you up.”

“I don’t think I can.”

“Shhh. You need a friend, don’t you?”

“You’re probably the only friend I have now.”

“Okay then.”

She was beginning to love his sly, secretive smile. So much that she hardly noticed his broken out skin anymore. Even his stringy hair wasn’t so bad. She remembered her first impression of him. Grime and oil up to his elbows, packed under his nails. She never thought she’d let him touch her.

“You look really… clean,” she said. She was noticing it for the first time.

He was hurt. “I do wash, you know. Once a month at least.”

Oh the effort he was making! For her. He
did
think she was special. And maybe, if she was like everyone else, it was in the good way. The normal way. Because everyone else did these things with boys. This is what they laughed about in the bathroom at school, huddled together in front of the mirror mushing their lips around like applying lipstick was a strenuous event. Engage face muscles. Ready, set, pucker!

“I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t been there,” she said.

“Why don’t you show me how much you appreciate me?”

His hand sneaked up her side to the front of her dress. Whoa! She pushed it away but it came back. Okay. No big deal. She was sixteen, after all. And it wasn’t
unpleasant
. No. Far from that. His lips were on her neck. He whispered her name as if he had a wonderful secret to tell her.

“Yes?” she answered.

But he only pulled his head back and smiled at her. Oh. It was one of those sweet nothings.

“Relax,” he said as the other hand moved lower. “Everything will be fine.”

She wasn’t silly enough to believe that. What she did believe was that something was happening here. A turning point had been reached. One that deserved contemplation and introspection. She just didn’t feel up to it. Besides, it was all clear to her now. No one would ever love her unless she
made
them.

She put her hands on his face and kissed him. She let his hands wander. It felt…important. Even welcoming, like someone had just taught her a secret handshake. She saw herself standing shoulder to shoulder with the bathroom bimbos. She’d have a sly smile of her own now.

But then the Lord’s Prayer began playing in her head. It was reflexive, something she did whenever she felt pure hatred for God. A way to remind herself: The Lord is my
shepherd
. The Lord
is
my shepherd. She also did it when she was afraid. Which was now. Because not only was the handle on the car door starting to press painfully into her back, something else was beginning to press into her leg. She knew what it was and what it meant. The words from Pastor Voss’ sermon were still fresh in her head: beware of lust versus love. Well, why should she listen to a thing he said? The
idea
that he would stand up and preach to her, that he would tell her or anyone how to behave! She saw it now—everyone did this sort of thing. Even him. There were no rules, only moments of fleeting relief. Take them where you can!