Helpless (8 page)

             
I do get lots of admiring looks from blokes all day long.  That is a nice ego boost.  I also get Jason’s hand and arm around me most of the day, which is a boost too.

             
The day ends after dinner again.  He asks me if I like movies, he is in the mood and would like to have a classic dinner and a movie tomorrow.  Tomorrow!?  It is like we have a limit on things we can do in one day.  I want to run full out at life.  I seek exhaustion.  Tomorrow.  Humph.

             
I make sure I let him know I can do a movie tonight only.  He puts me off by saying he has some paperwork to do before turning in, there is no way he can put it off as it has to be filed by tomorrow morning.  He is very cryptic about what it is for.  Implying it has something to do with the purchasing finances of a company he is investing in.

             
He pulls up to the Arch, blocking traffic in his red car again.  He gets out and opens my door.  I stomp off just like I did yesterday.  There is no way I am going out with this guy again.  He is stuck in low—meaning slow—gear.  I need some real excitement.  Not just a nice day and a freaking kiss on the forehead.

             
The next two weeks go by like I’m stuck in a loop.  Fun days in London, even on the two rainy days.  Big lunch, fancy dinner, maybe a movie or a play and then good night.  I stomp off in frustration and then say I’m bored so I’ll join him again the next day.  I am sure I caught him smiling at me when I stormed off one night. 

             
I did manage to get a kiss on the cheek the last night.  There were three days we didn’t meet.  Jason said he had meetings and wouldn’t have time.  I pouted, and got nowhere.  I stomped and was not acknowledged.  Then the next day we both act like I hadn’t stormed off.

             
I am pleasantly tired each night and have been sleeping well.  My temper tantrums only last until I fall asleep and then I ping him for a pick up time once I get up and moving around in the morning.  I actually picked up my mobile and called him one morning, just to talk as I got ready.  I didn’t even realize I was doing it until I hung up.

             
That was
uber
non-normal for me.  I just don’t do that kind of regular-person thing.  Other than Aldo, I can’t even think of someone I would even call.  I kind of like picking up the phone to chat while I am doing routine things.  I think I will do that more often.  It really picked my spirits up.

             
Jason says he is heading back to Berlin.  This is our last night for a while, he sounds down.  I think he really likes me.  I have a flash feeling of emptiness just hearing him say the words out loud.  It seems that both of us are now feeling down about his leaving London.

             
We are just standing at the side of the park entrance where we met, just looking sad.  Both of us must have looked pathetic.  The time ticks almost out loud for a few seconds. 

             
Jason breaks the downward spiral of both our moods by plowing forward talking about the plans for tonight.  We are set for a play at some historic theater and then a late dinner.  He says he is going to keep me out late, because he can sleep tomorrow while he travels. 

             
He winks and tells me I can get my beauty sleep after he is gone.  We have plenty of time before the show starts, so we decide to walk there, enjoying the sunset. 

             
I remember I actually have a shoot coming up.  That will be good, it will keep my mind occupied as I get back to my usual routine.

             
That night I snuggle into him more than usual as we watch some play I can’t even remember.  I just know I like to dress up to go out, I look stunning each night.  I have broken out a slinky green dress, green always works and tonight Jason is holding me closer than normal too.  No one can resist a red-head in green. On special nights, I always end up wearing green.  Tonight I want to make sure Jason is fully aware of how fabulous I look.

             
During dinner Jason says he has a special treat in store for me tonight.  My body flushes warm.  I am suddenly tingling as I am imagining his big body pressing down on me.  He is finally ready to have sex and I had pushed it out of my mind, so now it comes crashing back and I fight back a blush.  I don’t say anything. 

             
Wait.  Did I say slow gear?  Still no sex with Jason.  I can’t believe that the special treat is a night ride on the London Eye.  Sure, it is stunning, but I am starting to think either there is something wrong with Jason—like he can’t get it up—or there is something wrong with
me
.  Especially since I have been told my whole life about all my little faults, I tend to think something is so wrong with me that this great guy doesn’t want to get into a real boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with me. 

             
I am sure he likes me.  There is just no way to talk and laugh and spend almost two weeks with someone and fake so much time and talk.  But there must be something that is warning him off getting serious with me.  Something that tells him taking it to the next level and having sex with me will be trouble for him.

             
I want to ask him, but I know about so many of my own faults that I don’t want to hear something new.  Not tonight.  Not from Jason.  I sigh and walk with Jason along the sidewalks, under trees strung with lights.  Walking toward the biggest Farris Wheel ever, a ride that is supposed to be pure joy, but I feel heavy now.  I am losing my joy.

             
I almost feel like a throw-away little girl.  I push the feelings of being an unloved little child from my mind.  I force myself to look at the other people standing in line with us.  I am one of the tallest females.  I am the only one with auburn hair, bordering on flaming red, but not quite that red.  Face it; I am flat out the prettiest girl here. 

             
That thought makes me feel a little better.

             
When we reach the front of the line, Jason takes my arm and leads me into a private capsule.  In this capsule the bench is covered in a thick green blanket, one of softest I have ever felt.  On the bench is a bouquet of green roses.  I whirl around to stare at him.

             
My big hunk is running a hand through his dark hair.  His almost too big nose is a little rosy; I see it is because he is trying to hold back a flush.  He motions me inside.  I lift the flowers; their smell is strong and very pleasant in the capsule.  He sits down beside me.

             
“I just knew you were going to wear green tonight.”  He gives me a shy smile.  “So I wanted your flowers to match your dress.” 

             
I do the girly thing, and sniff my flowers.

             
“You like them?”

             
I am all choked up.  I can barely say, “Oh yes.”

             
“Good.  I know I could have bought you an emerald pendant, or something fancy like that.  But I figure you get gifts like that all the time don’t you?”

             
I nod.  I really do.  I get so many things given to me that some of them I just open to see what it is and leave it in the lobby of the building.  I think George doles them out as he sees fit.  I don’t care what he does; I just like the high of knowing some guy has paid a butt-load to send me a gift.  It is a symbol that I am worthy and I am successful.

             
Green roses?  Now this is a new one, and that means that Jason had to put time and thought into getting them.

             
“How did you get dark green roses?  You can’t just go out and buy them, can you?”

             
“Nope.  I spoke with a florist a few days ago.  They had to order in special white roses, young ones.  Then they soaked them in dye.  I insisted that they get ones that smelled really good.  They certainly did a great job, didn’t they?”

             
Again, I just nod. 

             
“Well, I wanted you to know that I had been thinking of you longer than it took to walk into a store and buy some jewelry.  I wanted you to remember this as a special night.  I want you to know that I really like you.”

             
I nod.

             
“Did I actually surprise you?”  Jason hugs me tight.  He is pleased with himself.  I am too.  I snuggle in as our capsule is slowly rising up in the air.  I pop my shoes off and tuck my legs up on the bench. 

             
“Say, the soft blanket and the roses…how did you get them in the very capsule we happened to get into?  This place is busy all day long.”

             
“I pulled some strings.  I had this capsule cleaned out and set up for us about an hour ago.  I rented it for the whole evening.  Then you missed me wave a few people ahead of us to make sure we came up to this one.”

             
Ah, nice touch. 

             
The wheel starts to go in continual motion now; all the spots must be full.  We rise into the dark night sky and the city is purely magical below us.  I let out a sigh. 

             
“Beautiful, isn’t it?”  Jason responds to my sigh. 

             
I’m starting a new trend, I just nod.

             
I feel two of his warm, large fingers on my jaw.  He turns my head and tilts it to face him.  He is staring hard into my eyes.  My stomach flops.  I can feel tingling and warmth deep inside me.  There is no mistaking what his look means and there is no mistaking the instant response that my body gives that look.

             
He must feel my body has gotten warmer under his touch.  He leans forward and gives me a warm and lingering kiss.  He pulls back and gives me that same deep look.  I know I have left my lips slightly parted, suddenly I realize I am not breathing.  My lips twitch into a smile as I hiss in some breath.  Before I can say anything smart, he is kissing me again.

             
Now with more passion.  I part my mouth for him and our tongues brush and circle.  I turn my body so I can press fully against his chest and we deepen our kiss.  My hands are running along his back and pushing his solid body against me.  He pulls me onto his lap so we are pressed against each other all along our fronts.

             
His hands move along my dress.  The silky material moves up with his petting.  My legs are bared now, all the way up.  His hands move to flesh and I actually shake in pleasure at feeling him lightly rub and then grip my upper thighs. 

             
We are in a semi-public spot, so we hold it at this level of heat and desire for the rest of the ride.  As the ride starts to stop and then jerk and stop again, indicating the ride is over and we need to actually get out of our cozy capsule, we pull apart with sweet kisses.  I smooth my dress while he still watches me with that deep and intent-filled stare.  He is not smiling, he is fighting desire.  I like that a lot.  It has just soothed my inner voice; I am just here in this moment soaking in being desired and beautiful.  But this is more than a grope in a strange bedroom.  This guy knows me and is looking me right in the eye.  The other old horny guys are just interested in touching what the English call naughty bits.  Just touching me because I am pretty.  They never know anything real about me, not even my name.  My slutty name is Leah.  I want Jason to start to call me Natalie from now on.  Now how am I going to explain that to him? 

             
My thoughts stop as we kiss again and he hands me the roses to hold while he puts my shoes on.  He caresses my ankle.  He gives me that deep look again as he sits back up, getting ready to leave the capsule.

             
Jason may be planning to connect with my naughty bits, but he is getting hot and satisfied just kissing me and looking at me.  I can’t say all this is feeling different here than being touched by those other guys, but this is different; and I like it a lot.

             
Jason folds up the blanket.  I hold my roses close.  We don’t say anything as we grab a cab and I finally give out my address.  The ride is totally silent.  I know it is because Jason is about to explode.  Looks of anger and desire and then confusion are flashing over his face.  If he hadn’t wound his leg around mine and rested his hand on my knee, I would be in total confusion by these strange emotions he is trying to hold in.  But I chalk it up to the fact he got heated up and wants to get to it now—and is having a hard time waiting for the bedroom.  I wish I had known what was really going on in his head.  I wish I had analyzed the strange emotions a little more.  I wish.

             
When I lean into him, his arm goes right around me.  So he can’t be angry with me, I must be right.  He is just holding back his desire.  Still, he is tense and looking out the window.

             
A look of surprise flashes across George’s face as he opens the cab door for me.  Does he ever have time off?  He is used to seeing me get out of cabs or come strolling up all by myself.  He is a professional and wipes the look off his face right away.  He holds the door for us and we walk to the gold elevators.  Now Jason’s hand is in the small of my back, ushering me along like a gentleman; but he is still not saying a word and his face is unreadable.