Helpless (11 page)

             
“Hi Dad.  What’s up?”

             
“We’ve been playing phone tag too long, I figured I would drop over while we are both in town.”

             
“Come on in,” I kind of give a resigned sigh.

             
“So what has kept you so busy?”

             
Always straight to the point.  What a pain my parents are.  I have nothing to run interference today.

             
“Nothing today.  Spa day tomorrow.  Why?”

             
“I’ve just been worried about you.”

             
“I’ve been busy.  Haven’t you seen the magazines Aldo sent you?”             

             
“Oh, yes.  You are doing great.  There is big buzz about your career.  Your shoots are doing fine.  I just mean how are
you
doing?  You know, about how you ended up in the hospital?”

             
Damn. 

             
“Why the hell do you have to bring crap up every single time we talk?  Why can’t you just let me enjoy my life?”

             
I turn and stomp off to the living room.

             
Heath follows me, of course. 

             
“You can’t just ignore your problem.  I think you need to go to rehab or something.  You need to get better.”

             
“I have been better.  You’d know if you weren’t such a busy man.  If you ever spent time with me like a
real
dad.  For your information, I haven’t done any drugs in months now.  Stone sober.  So shove it.  Now get the hell out of my house.”

             
“I pay the rent here, and I want to get to the bottom of this.”

             
“Bottom of what?  I just told you, now leave.”  I am screaming now. 

             
“You can say you are sober, but that’s what all addicts say.  I want you checked out by a professional.”

             
“ADDICT!”  I pick up a vase and huck it right at his head.  Old habits die hard.

             
Heath ducks and the loud shattering sound is very satisfying to me.  It has also caused him to shut up for a minute.  Then it really gets nasty.  We both scream and curse at each other; I throw a few more things until Heath finally backs to the door. 

             
As he is leaving I hit him with one more knife.  “If you were any kind of real dad, you would know I have been in a relationship for months now.  That’s why I’m sober.  Because Jason is doing what you and mom never could, he cares about me!”

             
As I slam the door in his puzzled face I hear him mutter, “Jason?”

* * *

              Wow what a scene. 

             
The only way to handle that is just what I do.  I go shopping.  Nothing relieves stress as well as spending a bundle and coming home draped in pretty packages.

             
Now, hours after that screaming match, I am heading home with my arms full of pretty colored bags and lots of tissue paper sticking out of the top.  A rainbow of satisfaction. 

             
George holds the door for me.  I smile at him.  I’m all back to normal now.  My new normal, which is smiling at George and I learned how satisfying it is to actually send him lunch once in a while…a little way to say
thank you
.  I also plan to give him and the maid, I can’t remember her name, a nice holiday bonus.

             
I clean up all the glass and pottery around my place.  I’m fine with that, because I’ve got some really pretty and expensive clothes to put away so that balances out the loss of some expensive pottery.  Then one thing Heath said hits me; he pays for this apartment.  Yes he does.  And if he thinks that entitles him to barge in and harass me, he has another thing coming.

             
I’ll settle this issue today!  

             
I change into a pretty pant and jacket set of white and black geometric patterns.  I put a red silk shirt on to really pop out from the black and white.  This is about the only way I wear true red.  Mom made very clear how terrible most red shades look against hair like mine. Rust and browns are ok, but real reds wash out my hair.   But with a different color on the jacket collar, the red won’t be noticed and compared directly to my hair.  I like red, I have almost none of it in my closet.

             
I am going over to my dad’s and get the apartment put in my name.  I’ll just get his paperwork and then figure out who the agent is, then I’ll take over.  I don’t need him.  Sure it’s a lot of money, it will take me longer to become a billionaire, but I’ll have some peace of mind.

             
Heath has a big house in a gated community because he is a big shot movie star.  Have to keep the rabble and the paparazzi out.  My cab pulls up to the front, I tell the drive to keep the meter running and promise to tip him well.  A look at the house tells him he has a good chance of this being true.   In hopes of a fat reward, he has no problem waiting.  I slam the door because it builds up my confidence in some way.  I stomp toward the big main door.

             
I barge right in the door.  I’ll let Heath know what it feels like to have your home invaded.  Something red catches my eye, it is around the side of the house, the side of the driveway in front of my cab, but I am walking too fast to turn and focus.  Still, something about that red bothers me.  I push down, I’ll think about it later. 

             
The maid scurries back from me.  I have a fierce look on my face and she knows this is not a social call.  I hear my father’s voice coming from his office.  It sounds like he is yelling at someone else today.

             
As I start down the hall I see Jason walk out of the office followed by Heath.  I cock my head sideways.  My brain is not computing this.  Jason sees me now and freezes. 

             
“Not like this!” He starts to reach a hand out for me and walk forward. 

             
“What are you doing here?” Heath yells at me as he pushes Jason aside.  The accusation and anger and disappointment in my father’s voice shuts me right down.  I had been trying to put some sort of sense to seeing Jason here.  Now my vision goes black and all I hear is a roaring sound in my ears.  I am standing just like a statue and I have fully checked out. 

* * *

              I feel nauseous, so I keep my eyes closed.  I don’t move.  I hear that annoying
beep beep
sound.  Great.  Back in a hospital.  I must have moved or moaned or something because a voice calls out softly to me.

             
“Natalie…wake up my little boo.”

             
Boo.  The nickname Jason uses sometimes, he likes to whisper it in my ear.  Jason.  In my dad’s house?  What the hell?  I do moan this time.  I crack my eyes open and see Jason’s worried face.

             
“Wa…” is all I can croak out.

             
Jason knows.  He holds a bendy straw to my lips and I sip in some cool water.  That helps my stomach.

             
“What are you doing here?  I mean there?  What?”

             
“Oh, we…I’ll tell you about it when you get out of here and back home.  I’ll tell you everything.  I promise.  Just rest and get better.  Want more water?”

             
I can hear the worry and tension in his voice.  Right now I know he cares.  I have come to rely on him, so I decide I will push the confusion and what is not making sense from my head right now.  Jason will make it all better later, just like he is promising.

             
“More water,” I whisper.  I sip and close my eyes.  I drift off to sleep again. 

             
When I wake up again, my stomach is a little better.  I can feel exhaustion in my body.  Must be from tensing up so much.  What was it that knocked me out?  Oh yeah, total confusion. 

             
As I move I hear a voice, “Baby, how are you?”

             
Dad.  Blah.  I want Jason.  I open my eyes and croak for water again.  He is as fast as Jason with the bendy straw and cool water.  Now I realize I am hungry.

             
“How long have I been here?”  My voice is still dry and raspy.  I wonder why that happens when a person goes into black out. 

             
“You’ve been out for two days.  Docs figure it was your brain’s way of handing the shock.”

             
“What shock?”

             
Heath looks at me like I have two heads.  He doesn’t answer.

             
I repeat, “What shock?”

             
“Don’t you remember?” 

             
That’s all he says.  Ok, he is not giving anything, any information, away.  I try to kick my memory into gear.  A flash of Jason’s face comes into my mind. 

             
“Something to do with Jason!  Is he ok?”  I make to get up out of the bed.  Dad pushes me back down.

             
“He’s fine.  Lie down and rest.  Yes, this has something to do with Jason.”  His voice just got tight and full of disgust.  I wonder if I have disappointed my father again. 

             
“What?  What’s going on.  If he is fine, what is shocking?”

             
I really am fuzzy right now.  My stomach growls and I blurt out, “I’m hungry.”  Seems I had no control over blurting that out. 

             
“I’ll get you something, you must be starving."

             
A nurse brought in a plastic cup of mushy fruit.  I start to spoon small bites into my mouth.  I have forgotten everything except that I am hungry and eating right now.  When I set the little cup down I smile at my dad.  He leans forward and touches my cheek.  That’s nice.  But then again, that seems wrong.  Hum…

             
Then my brain seems to blow away the fog it is in.  I don’t pull back from his touch, but now I remember how he never really paid attention to me.  My whole life he would just walk by and say something short and sweet and walk off and let the housekeepers do anything that needed to be done.  That was from age fourteen on.  Younger than that and I don’t really remember him at all.  Once I moved in with him, I saw him maybe 5 or 10 minutes a day when he was home, and then he would be off filming for months at a time.  After I left mom’s and moved to London with my dad, I practically raised myself.  All alone in a different country and a big metropolitan city.  The feelings of confusion, anger and loneliness wash over me.

             
That drained the smile from my face.  That’s right, I may love this guy, but I hate him too.  So why is he sitting here touching my cheek like he loves me too?  Or loves me now when he didn’t before?

             
More fog blows away.  I see Jason walking out of my dad’s home office.  That’s what didn’t make sense.  Jason was here earlier.  He said he would tell me all about it later.  Now Dad is here calling it a shock.  What shock?  I just don’t understand what Jason was doing at Dad’s house.  That’s all.  But my stomach is rolling now, that nasty little voice in my mind tells me there is some hurtful secret around all of this.  I didn’t want to know.

             
I turn away from Heath.  I’m done talking.  I just want to fall asleep and forget all of this.  I close my eyes and pretend to sleep.  Soon I am actually asleep.

             
This really was my brain’s way of handing the shock overload.  There was something really wrong with Jason not only knowing my dad, but being in his house.  My brain must have worked in the background while I was knocked out.

             
I had met Jason through the ‘dating’ website.  I used my middle name, like I always do when dealing with the site:  Leah.  But after a few dates and talking about my photo shoots and career, Jason noticed my name on the credits in one magazine.  That’s when I told him that for strangers I never used my real name.  It was the truth, not the whole truth, but the truth.  So Jason has known exactly who I am and what I do for a long time.  I never spoke about my dad, but we have the same last name and if Jason knew Heath from somewhere, surely this would have come up months ago? 

             
So there is more to this story.  Has to be.  What am I missing?

             
I’m not ready to process it yet, but I now know something fishy is up.  I will have to be on my guard.  I fall asleep again.

             
When I wake up this time, I am really hungry and Jason is in my room now.