Her Baby Dreams (15 page)

A
shby put aside the fact that she felt silly as she perched on the seat of the bike with Dan pushing her. The excitement was too great. She was learning to ride a bike!

She laughed as she glanced at him, jogging beside her, holding the seat with one hand and urging her to pedal. His eyes were sparkling.

“You can't steer this thing if you keep looking at me,” he exclaimed.

She proved him right when the bike wobbled. “Oh!” she cried, refocusing on doing her job. “Sorry. But I'm afraid you're going to let go.”

He chuckled, his breath coming in spurts from the exertion of jogging, pushing and keeping her upright. The man was in good shape. “That is the general idea, you know.”

“But I get dizzy.”

“That's just nerves. Hang on to those handlebars and just do it. C'mon, you know you can.”

She was gritting her teeth, when suddenly he let go. “Wait!” She glanced at him as he continued to jog beside her. He was nodding his head. And she was riding the bike by herself!

She
was
riding—it wobbled. She had to put her feet down to keep from crashing. He immediately grabbed the seat with one hand and her with the other, keeping her from harm's way.

“What'd I tell you? You were doing it.” He hugged her tightly.

Ashby's heart was thudding and the world was spinning, but she'd ridden a bike! For all of five seconds, maybe, but next time she was going to do it longer.

She felt like a schoolgirl. “I did,” she said breathlessly. “And I'm not dizzy.”

“You ready to go for gold?” He rubbed her arms briskly, like a coach getting his athlete warmed up for the next event.

She nodded.

“That's my girl. Okay, this time, since you have a feel for the balance needed, you're going to try it on your own. You don't need me.”

Ashby wasn't so sure about that. Dan Dawson brought something to her world that she'd never known before. Not only did he add his own style of confidence, he provided an element of fun and spontaneity. Sure, she could have learned to ride a bike on her own. But would she have? Dan shared his sense of adventure with her; it rubbed off on her when he was around…and looking at him now, she realized how much she'd started to crave that.

 

“This is some shindig,” Applegate shouted over the country band on Thursday evening. He saluted Dan with the chicken leg he'd plucked from the overflowing table of food on his way over to talk to him.

Dan watched Ashby, still amazed at what she'd pulled off in two short days. He hadn't given her much notice, but she'd done it. Of course, he'd never thought she couldn't. The woman was amazing. She was vulnerable in the most surprising ways, and strong in more ways than she seemed to know.

He'd never met anyone quite like her.

“You hear what I said?” Applegate shouted louder, and poked the drumstick at him. Dan realized he'd never answered the older man.

“Yes, sir. I think Ashby did a great job.”

App nodded, his bushy eyebrows wrinkled up like caterpillars inching across his forehead. “That's a fine woman,” he said, and bit into his chicken.

“Yes, sir, she is.”

“A mighty fine hostess,” App mumbled as he chewed.

“Yes, sir.” Dan watched Ashby as she zipped here and there, making certain everyone was taken care of. He hadn't realized how this would look to most folks…as if they were a couple. But that was exactly how all the cowboys were taking it. Everyone, that is, except Lance Yates. The cowboy had been lingering around Ashby all evening, and Dan didn't like it at all.

Not that he had any claim to Ash, but there was just no sense denying that his feelings for her were far deeper than he was comfortable with. He had pushed for this relationship. He'd been obsessed to learn more about her, even after he knew how much she wanted children. Even knowing how he felt about having children of his own.

As he and Applegate watched, Lance stepped up and started talking to her.

“Competition,” App said, glaring at him. “Thar's a man that knows a prize when he sees it. Ain't you gonna get over thar and stake your claim to her?”

Dan shifted uncomfortably. Ashby wanted kids. Lots of kids. The knowledge repeated in his head like a chant. “She has free will, App. This isn't the gold rush,” he snapped as his temper flared.

Applegate grunted in disgust and walked off, leaving Dan to deal with his growing bad mood. It was true he was madder than a penned-up bull and spying Emmett standing off under a tree didn't help. Now that man needed a kick in the pants.

“What are you doing all the way over here by yourself?” Dan asked after stalking across the lawn. His mood had gone darker than a stormy night with a tornado coming. The fact that Emmett wasn't taking advantage of the opportunity this “festive” event provided added to Dan's irritation.

The cowboy looked miserable. “I can't help it, Dan. My insides are all twisted up and, well, look at me. I'm not much to look at, and just look at her.” His voice went all milky and Dan turned to look at Stacy.

She was with the toddlers in the shade of an oak tree across the yard. She was a pretty woman, in a gentle, almost fragile way. Just then, she glanced at them.

“Emmett, unless you go over there and do more than stare at her, this is all the two of you are ever going to have. Your opinion about your looks isn't important right now.” Dan was calming down. The frustration he'd been feeling about his own situation subsided a bit as he focused on Emmett and Stacy. “Look at her, Emmett. The woman likes you. She doesn't send those sweet little glances she keeps tossing your way to anybody else.”

That got the man's attention. “You don't think so?”

“I know so, man.” Dan grinned at Emmett. “Look at her….” She was watching the kids again. Emmett turned from Dan to Stacy. “There ya go. Watch—not me. Her. Now wait for it. Wait for it….” Stacy glanced Emmett's way and their gazes locked. “Bingo,” Dan whispered. “What'd I tell you? You are the man, dude.”

Emmett turned all patriotic, with his red face, white teeth and sparkling blue eyes. Dan glanced from the blushing cowboy to the blushing object of his affection.

“Now get over there and have a conversation with that woman.”

Emmett mumbled something that Dan couldn't decipher, but it must have been agreement, because he started walking Stacy's way. Dan watched as he came to a halt about four feet away from her. She turned toward him and he snatched off his hat and held it in a death grip. Just as Dan was thinking things were going right, finally the cowboy nodded, then walked away.
What?
Dan saw the confusion on Stacy's face, and Dan wasn't sure Emmett understood how hard this was for her.

It wasn't as if she needed some cowboy to toy with her like that. Even unwittingly. Dan resolved to have a serious chat with Emmett after the barbecue.

“You can't fix everything, Dan.”

Ashby's voice startled him, and he swung around to find her holding out a plate to him. “I thought you'd like some food. This is your party, after all.”

He took the plate because it gave him something to do. She glanced over his shoulder toward Stacy. “They are going to have to find their own way, Dan. You can only do so much.”

“I'm going to have a talk with—”

Ashby's eyes flashed. “She is not your responsibility, Dan. She is a grown woman you have helped, but she is not your problem. If she and Emmett are going to fall in love, then they're going to have to do it without you orchestrating their every move. And both of them are going to have to come to that realization.”

She had a point, and he knew it. “You're right,” he grumbled. “I still don't like it. I mean, look at them. If he'd just come to his senses it'd be so much easier.”

She smiled. “Aren't you the guy who's so sure God has a plan?”

“You're right,” he said. She'd just sweetly put him in his place. “Thank you, Ash.”

“You are very welcome. I mean, I get it. I think when I marry—
if
I marry—my husband will have to tell me that very thing when it comes to overprotecting my children. Not that I agree with most of the way my mother raised me…but I can understand wanting the best for your children. That's kind of how I see you now, protecting Stacy. Maybe not as a parent as much as a big brother. But she's going to do just fine, Dan.”

He nodded. Ashby was right. But his mind had snagged on Ashby and the
if
she'd used in context with her eventual marriage.

That
if
bothered him. Here he was the one telling her she needed to wait, and now when she threw out the word
if
he got all bent out of shape. Again Dan felt as if he'd lost control of his good sense where Ashby was concerned. But he couldn't let his own longings trump hers. She deserved every good thing she wanted in life. She deserved a houseful of babies if that was her dream, her heart's desire. And if he couldn't give them to her, then he had to be man enough to let her get on with her life. A man who loved a woman would do that…and he loved Ashby more than he'd ever known it was possible to love someone.

O
n Friday Ashby rose early, left the shop in Rose's capable hands and drove into the neighboring county to visit some of her custom suppliers. The three separate stops were scattered across two counties, giving her plenty of time alone as she drove. Time for contemplation and prayer. Her life was a mess. She needed serious guidance from the Lord.

At the party the day before, she'd realized she'd lost her footing. She no longer thought clearly where Dan was concerned.

How could she have thought he was like Steven? How had she believed she loved Steven in the first place?

Steven had no heart; Dan's heart was huge.

She loved him.

Steven had been a selfish, cheating good-for-nothing. She now knew that Dan would never betray someone's trust like that. The mistakes from her past had blinded her to what her friends and the matchmakers had recognized early—Dan had the kind of heart women searched for all their lives. That was what drew people to him in droves. He was kind, trustworthy, giving, tenaciously patient and abundantly compassionate….

And afraid.

Fear was the only explanation she could come up with for his uncertainty about wanting children. He
loved
children, and they loved him. She'd witnessed it firsthand. Watching him with the toddlers had caused her heart to free-fall past all her preconceived ideas about Dan.

She wanted children. Even if she found out, after she was finally married, that there was a medical reason that meant she couldn't have a child, she would adopt. And she'd fallen in love with a man who wasn't certain if he wanted children.

He hadn't said he loved her, but she believed he did. What were they going to do? Could he seriously believe that he could harm a child? Was that what he thought?

Emotionally weary and disgruntled, she finally drove home, no closer to a solution to her dilemma than when she'd left that morning. God hadn't given her any peace. Her head and heart were still in turmoil as she trudged up the stairs to her apartment. All the driving around in the world wouldn't give her any answers. It was time to talk to Dan.

 

Dan was pacing his apartment when he heard Ashby in the hallway. He'd worried about her all evening. Ever since the barbecue he'd been trying to figure out how to tell her that he wasn't going to be bothering her any longer. But he hadn't come up with how to say something like that without alerting her to the fact that he loved her. He couldn't tell her in one breath that he loved her and in the next that he should never have chased after her in the first place.

“Ashby, where have you been?” he asked the instant he yanked open his door. Startled, she swung toward him.

“I was on a business trip,” she said. “Are you all right?”

No.
He rammed his hands through his hair and held back the need to pull her into his arms in relief, even as he wanted to fuss at her for not calling.
And why would she do that?
He had no claim to her. She'd just been taking care of her business—which wasn't
his
business. He was out of his element here. In way over his head. If she wanted to stay out past dark, that was her prerogative. She was a grown woman—whom he loved, cared about and couldn't help but worry about…. He was in big trouble.

“I'm fine,” he said. Taking a deep breath, he struggled to rein in his frustrations, thankful she was safe. “I was just getting worried about you. I stopped by to see you earlier and Rose said you'd gone to see some suppliers. She said you'd planned to be home before dark. It's been dark for over two hours.”

“I was driving around.”

Relief was sinking in slowly. Calmer now, he realized she looked as upset as he felt. “You were just driving?”

She nodded. “I need to talk to you. Could you come in?”

“I think that'd be a good idea. I need to talk to you, too.” Dan felt as wobbly as when he'd tangled up dismounting during a bull ride and it had taken three bullfighters to get his hand loose from the rigging.

He waited beside her as she slipped the key in and unlocked her door. She smelled sweet as a spring morning, which didn't help his wobbly legs one bit.

Inside, she immediately went around the bar into the kitchen.

He didn't follow, choosing instead to keep the bar between them. He loved this woman, and now that he'd let himself admit it, he couldn't stop thinking about it.

“Coffee?” she asked, starting to fill the carafe with water.

“Sure,” he said, needing the moment to get his wits about him. As she emptied it into the reservoir he realized her hand was shaking. “Ashby, you're trembling. What is it?”

She set the carafe on the counter and turned to him, her expression pensive. “Why do you think you don't want children?”

So this was it. She'd also realized the significance of their situation. He braced for what he had to do. “I'm not sure I'd be a good dad. It eats me up thinking about somehow snapping and—”

“Dan, you would never do that.”

The conviction in her voice sent a shaft of warmth through him. “But there is no guarantee. I have a temper.”

She looked surprised. “Most people do have some sort of temper. But I've never seen yours.”

“It takes a lot to get me riled up, but it's there.”

She came around the counter and placed her hand on his arm. “Even if it is, you know how to control it. That doesn't mean anything.”

It took every shred of strength he had not to give in, wrap his arms around her and forget his past. Forget how his father's legacy haunted him. “I think it'd be best if I stopped hounding you like I've been doing. Then you can concentrate on falling in love with a cowboy worth marrying, like you told me you wanted from the start.”

She shook her head. “I can't do that. I no longer want to look for someone to fall in love with. Dan, I love you.”

How could a man feel like yelling with joy and groaning with despair at the same time? He closed his eyes and drew on his determination to do what was right for Ashby. “That's not a wise thing. I can't make you any promises. My heart's not there when it comes to giving you your dreams. I should have pulled back the minute I knew how much you wanted children…. You're a very special woman, Ash.” He touched her hair briefly, then let his hand drop away. “I wouldn't be much of a man if I told you I loved you and then told you I couldn't give you the babies your heart craves.” He hadn't meant to say all that. To expose himself that way. But his defenses were too weak near her, especially since she'd admitted that she loved him. Especially since he could see it shining in her eyes.

“Dan, I've been driving around all afternoon trying to come up with a solution to this and I finally realized, children or no children, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. If you'll have me.”

Dear Lord,
he prayed desperately,
give me some help here. Give me some strength.

He stepped away from her touch, backing toward the door. “I can't ask you, or allow you, to do that. You want babies. I thought by the time I found the right woman for me I'd have resolved all of my issues. But it hasn't happened. God hasn't given me any peace about this. I'd rather die than hurt my kids. And I shouldn't have put you in this position.” He turned to go, needing desperately to get out before he folded.

“You wouldn't hurt your child or anyone else's,” she said from behind him.

He paused at the door, but didn't look back. “You don't know that.”

“Dan, stop. You were the one who told me to slow down and trust the Lord. What about you? Does trusting the Lord not pertain to you?”

Heart pounding, he tightened his grip on the doorknob as he wrenched open the door. “I've been dealing and praying about this issue all my life, Ash. I can't get it out of my head. If God gave me some peace about it, maybe I could reconsider. But for now, I'm not stealing your dreams. You deserve a man who doesn't have a violent past. You deserve better.”

“You don't have a violent past. You were the victim. You were the one hurt. You didn't do the hurting.”

“Don't waste any more time on me, Ash.” He crossed the hall in three strides.

“Don't do this,” she pleaded.

He hardened his resolve and closed his door between them, praying she wouldn't try to follow him.

Tomorrow, after he got back from making an early-morning cattle run, he would figure out a different place to live until his home was rebuilt. There was no way he could continue to live across the hall from Ashby. Not when the weak part of him wanted to break down that door and run back to her waiting arms.

 

At six sharp the next morning, Dan walked into Sam's with a heavy heart. He'd spent the better part of the night pacing his apartment praying for the Lord to give him some clarity.

He'd told Ashby to trust the Lord, yet she was right—he wasn't doing it. Where she was concerned, he needed unequivocal assurance that he could be everything she needed. He was a flirt, just as she'd said he was. He'd dated and flirted his way through life and had been able to silence the fears inside him while he waited for the Lord to deliver him from the pain. He'd thought he was in control of the situation until he'd run headfirst into love with Ashby.

He was going to need a strong cup of coffee before he hit the road. Maybe distance would help.

Applegate and Stanley were setting up their checkers as he strode into the diner.

Sam was pouring them coffee, but all three paused to watch Dan coming through the door.

“You don't look so good this morning,” Applegate said. “Stanley, ain't that right?”

“Don't look good at t'all,” Stanley agreed. Both of them watched him stalk to the counter and take a seat.

“Sam, I need a big cup to go,” Dan announced.

Sam rounded the counter, plucked a paper cup off the stack and filled it. All the while, Dan could feel App and Stanley staring at his back.

“You got troubles this mornin'?”

Dan met Sam's shrewd eyes. “Yup.”

“Women troubles?” Applegate almost shouted.

Dan heard chairs scrape against the hardwood floor, and the next instant he was flanked by the two old codgers.

“Ashby got you tied up in knots?” Stanley asked. His hearing aid whistled as he fiddled with the volume.

Dan wondered what had possessed him to come to Sam's before he hit the road to East Texas.

“Yup. I'm in a mess, fellows,” he admitted, knowing full well that he wouldn't hear the end of this anytime soon.

Applegate nodded solemnly. “It's about time. I been wonderin' when you were gonna wake up and smell the coffee,” he said.

Dan needed some help here, and the Lord hadn't given him much peace about anything. “What do you mean?”

“We been a-wonderin' when the love bug was going ta hit you two. Y'all been dancing around each other fer a year now. That's why I told ya at the barbecue you needed to get your act right before someone else stole your woman.”

“That is sure-nuff the truth,” Sam said. “So talk. Why the long face?”

Applegate and Stanley huddled close.

“Well,” Dan said, not believing that he was about to ask them for advice. “She wants kids right away and I don't think I'm going to have any of my own. I don't think I can—” He stopped himself before telling them of his troubled past.

“Sure you can,” Sam said.

“There are things about me y'all don't know.”

“What? That you're scared ta have kids?”

Dan looked sharply at Stanley. “What makes you say that?”

Applegate leaned toward him. “Question is what makes you think it? Them ladies at the shelter is always talkin' about what a good daddy you'll be. They say when you go out thar and help Brady around the place you are always patient and kind to them babies.”

Dan took a deep breath.

“You know, the sins of the fathers ain't always the sins of the sons,” Applegate said.

Dan's heart thundered and he met App's knowing gaze. “But there is that chance.” It no longer mattered to him that they knew. He needed to talk to someone. He'd planned to talk to Brady later that morning, but maybe these three could help.

Sam crossed his arms and stared hard. “You cain't sit thar and seriously tell us that you are afraid to have kids 'cause you think you could
hurt
them like yor pa hurt you.”

Dan looked at each man. “How do y'all know about my dad?”

“We might be old as the hills, but we ain't blind,” Sam said.

Applegate grumbled. “We been sittin' in that thar window playin' checkers fer years. We wuz here the day that van pulled in and them sweet women got off looking like Mule Hollow was their last great hope. And we been watching you come and go down thar at that candy store like clockwork ever since they opened.”