Her Knight in the Outback (14 page)

‘
No!
Please don't start second-guessing yourself,' Eve rushed on, critically aware that her urgency was pushing him further away. She fought to breathe more evenly. God, how close she'd come to just not calling out to him.

What was happening to her?

‘The subconscious is a powerful thing,' she urged. ‘It probably knows something your conscious mind can't quite grasp.'

The man's eyes filled with pity and, in that moment, she saw herself as others must. As Marshall must.

Obsessed. Desperate. Pathetic.

And she didn't like his view of her one little bit.

Lines appeared on the man's time-weathered brow. ‘I'm just not sure...'

‘How about just jotting down the routes you usually take?' Marshall grabbed another poster, flipped it over to the blank side and handed it and a pen to the man. ‘We can take it from there.'

More lines formed in his weathered skin. ‘I have two-dozen routes. That'll take time...'

They were losing him. And the best lead she'd had in an age...

Eve dashed to the front of the bus and rummaged in the glove box with clammy hands for the maps she carried detailing every region she was in. One was marked up with her own routes—to make sure she never missed a town or junction—but her spare was blank, a clean slate. She thrust the spare into the man's hands.

‘On this then, just highlight the routes you take. I can do the rest.'

Possibility flickered over his face. ‘Can I take this with me?'

The fist squeezed harder. Not because she risked losing a four-dollar map. But she risked losing a tangible link with Travis. ‘Can't you do it here...?'

‘Take it,' Marshall interrupted. ‘Anything you can give us will be great.'

The stranger's eyes flicked between the two of them ‘Hopefully, I can be clearer somewhere...away from here.'

Eve took two steps towards the man as he retreated with the map in his hand. She spun to Marshall. ‘I should go with him.'

His strong hand clamped around her wrist. ‘No. You should let him go somewhere quiet and do what he has to do. He's not going to be able to concentrate with you hovering over him.'

Hovering...!
As if they were talking about her chaperoning a teenage date and not possibly finding her brother. ‘I just want to—'

‘I know exactly what you want, Eve, and how you're feeling right now. But stalking the guy won't get you what you need. Just leave him be. He'll come back.'

‘But he's the first person that's seen Travis.'

‘
Possibly
seen Travis, and if you push any harder he's going to decide he never actually saw a thing. Leave him to his process, Eve.'

She glanced up the street, hunting for the man's distinctive walk. Two blocks away she spotted him, turning into the local pub. She swung baleful eyes onto Marshall.

‘Leave him to his process,' he articulated.

Deep inside she knew he was right, but everything in her screamed for action. Something. Anything.

‘Easy for you to say!'

He took a long breath. ‘There's nothing easy about watching you suffer, Eve.'

‘Try feeling it some time,' she muttered.

She turned away roughly but he caught her. ‘I do feel it. In you. Every day—'

‘No, I mean try
feeling
it, Marshall. From this side of the fence.'

‘It's not about sides—'

‘Spoken like someone who's more used to cutting people out of their life than being cut out.'

For a moment she thought he was going to let that go, but he was a man, not a saint. Words blew warmly behind her ear as Marshall murmured in this public place, ‘And what's that supposed to mean, exactly?'

‘What you imagine it means, I'm sure,' she gritted.

‘Eve, I know this is frustrating—'

She spun on him. ‘Do you, Marshall? You've been travelling with me all of ten days. Multiply that by twenty-five and then tell me how you think I should be feeling as my only lead walks away from me and into a bar.'

His lips tightened but he took several controlled breaths. ‘You need an outlet and I'm convenient.'

Spare me the psychoanalysis!

‘How did this become about you?' she hissed. ‘This is about me and Travis.'

She glanced at the pub again and twisted her hands together.

Warm fingers brought her chin around until her eyes met his. ‘
Everything
is about Travis with you, Eve. Everything.'

That truly seemed to pain him.

The judgment in his gaze certainly hurt her. ‘Forgive me for trying to stay focused on my entire purpose out here.'

The words sounded awful coming off her lips, doubly so because, deep down, she knew he didn't deserve her cruelty. But did he truly not get the importance of this moment? How rare it was. How it felt to go nearly nine months without a single lead and then to finally get one?

A lead she'd almost missed because she was so off mission.

She dropped back into her seat.

All week she'd been going through the motions. Putting up posters, staffing her unhappy little table, answering questions about the faces in her display. But she hadn't actively promoted. She hadn't forced posters on anyone. She hadn't made a single real impression.

All she'd done was sit here looking at Marshall. Or thinking about him when he was gone. Letting herself buy into his hopeless fantasy.

She'd failed Travis. Again.

And she'd nearly missed her only lead.

Marshall sat back and considered her in silence. And when he spoke it was careful but firm.

‘I think it might be time to stop, Eve.'

She did stop. All movement, all breath. And just stared.

‘Maybe it's time to go home,' he continued. ‘This isn't good for you.'

When she finally spoke it was with icy precision.

‘How good for me do you imagine it is sitting around the house, wondering whether Travis is alive or dead and whether anyone will give him more than the occasional cursory check twice a year?'

‘It's been a year—'

‘I know. I've been living it every single day. But I'm nearly done.'

‘You're not nearly done. You still have one third of the country to go.'

‘But only ten per cent of the population,' she gritted.

‘That's assuming that you haven't missed him already.'
And assuming he is still alive.
The words practically trembled on those perfect lips.

She glared. ‘What happened to “What you're doing is logical”?'

‘I meant that. I completely understand why you're doing it.'

‘And so...?'

‘I don't like what
it's doing
to you
, Eve. This search is hurting you. I hate watching it.'

‘Then leave. No one's forcing you to stay.'

‘It's not that easy—'

But whatever logical, persuasive thing he was about to say choked as she ran over the top of him. ‘Maybe you're just unhappy that I'm putting him ahead of you. Maybe your male ego can't handle taking second place.'

She'd never seen someone's eyes bruise before, but Marshall's did. And it dulled them irreparably.

‘Actually, that's the one thing I'm more than used to.'

The fist inside tightened further. How could she do this? How could she choose between two men she cared so much about? Marshall was, at least, stable and healthy and capable of looking after himself. Travis was...

Well, who knew what Travis was? Or where.

But his need was unquestionably greater.

She ripped the emotional plaster off and pushed to her feet. ‘I think it's time for us to go our separate ways.'

The bruising intensified. ‘Do you?'

‘It's been lovely—'

‘But you're done now?'

‘Come on, Marshall, how long would we have been able to keep this up, anyway? Your circuit's coming to an end.' And her funds were running out.

Her casual dismissal turned the vacuum behind his lids to permafrost. ‘Is that right?'

‘I don't have room for you, Marshall.'

‘No, you really don't, do you.'

‘I need to stay focused on Travis.'

‘Why?'

‘Because he needs me. Who else is going to look for him?' Or look
out
for him. Like she should have all along.

‘Face facts, Eve,' he said, face gentle but words brutal. ‘He's either gone or he's
choosing
to stay away. You said it yourself.'

Her breaths seemed to have no impact on the oxygen levels in her body. Dark spots began to populate the edges of her vision. ‘I can't believe that.'

‘People walk away all the time. For all kinds of reasons.'

‘Maybe
you
do.'

His voice grew as cold as her fingers. ‘Excuse me?'

She started to shake all over. ‘I should have thought to seek your perspective before. I have an expert on cutting loose right here with me. You tell me why a perfectly healthy young man would just walk away from his family.'

Marshall's face almost contorted with the control he was trying to exert. ‘You think I didn't struggle, leaving them?'

‘As far as I can see, you crossed a line through them and walked away and you seem no worse for wear. That's quite a talent.'

‘Are you truly that self-absorbed,' he whispered, ‘that you can't appreciate what that was like for me?'

‘Yet you chose it.'

Where were these words coming from? Just pouring like toxic lava over her lips. Uncontrollable. Unstoppable.

Awful.

‘Sometimes, Eve, all your choices are equally bad and you just have to make one.'

‘Just go and don't look back?' she gritted. ‘Who does that?'

Something flared in his eyes. Realisation. ‘You're angry at Travis. For leaving.'

I'm
furious
at Travis for leaving
, she screamed inside. But outwardly she simply said, ‘My brother left against his will.'

How many police counsellors had she had that argument with? Or fights with her father.

‘What if he didn't?' Marshall urged. ‘What if he left because he couldn't imagine staying?'

Pfff...
‘Someone's been reading up on the missing-persons websites.'

‘Don't mock me, Eve. I wanted to understand you better—'

‘Those people were desperate or scared or sick. The Travis I know wouldn't do that.'

‘Maybe he wasn't your Travis, have you thought about that? Maybe he's not the kid brother you raised any more.'

The trembles were full-body shudders now.

Marshall stepped closer. Lowered his voice. ‘Do you see how much of your life he's consumed, Eve? This obsessive search. It's ruining you.'

‘If I don't do it, who will?' she croaked.

‘But at what cost?'

‘My time. My money. All mine to spend.'

He took her hand. ‘And how much of life are you missing while you're out here spending it? I'm right here, Eve. Living. Breathing. But any part of you that might enjoy that is completely occupied by someone who's—'

His teeth cracked shut.

Nausea practically washed over her. ‘Go on. Say it.'

‘Eve—'

‘Say it! You think he's dead.'

‘I fear he's a memory, one way or another. And I think that memory is stopping you from living your life just as much as when your mother died.'

‘Says the man who hides out behind a face full of hair and leather armour to avoid facing his demons.'

Marshall took a long silent breath.

‘This has become an unhealthy obsession for you, Eve. A great idea, practically, but devastating personally. You stripped yourself away from all your support structures. Your colleagues. Your friends. Your family. The people who could have kept you healthy and sane.'

‘So we're back to me being crazy?'

‘Eve, you're not—'

‘You need to go, Marshall,' she urged. ‘I can't do what I have to do with you here. That guy nearly walked off because I was off my game. I was busy mooning after you.'

‘This is my fault?'

She wrapped her arms around her torso. ‘I nearly let my only lead in a year walk off because I was distracted with you.'

‘I guess I should at least be happy I'm a distraction.'

Misery soaked through her. ‘You are much more than a distraction, but don't you get it? I don't have room for you—for us—in my life. In my heart.'

‘You don't have room for happiness? Doesn't that tell you anything?'

‘I don't get to be happy, Marshall,' she yelled, heedless of the passers-by. ‘Not until Travis is back home where he belongs.'

Those dreadful words echoed out into the seaside air.

‘Do you hear yourself, Eve? You're punishing yourself for failing Travis.'

The muscles around her ribs began to squeeze. Hard. ‘Thank you for your concern but I'm not your responsibility.'

‘So, I just walk away from you, knowing that you're slowly self-destructing?'

‘I will be fine.'

‘You won't be fine. You'll search the rest of the country and what will you do when you get back to your start point and you've found no sign of him? Start again from the top?'

The thought of walking away from this search without her brother was unimaginable.

‘
I
will always look for him,' she vowed.

And that wasn't fair on someone as vibrant as Marshall. Hadn't he been sidelined enough in his life? She shook her head slowly.

‘Find someone else, Marshall. Please.'

Someone who could offer him what he needed. Someone who wouldn't hurt him. Someone who could prioritise him.

‘I don't want someone else, Eve,' he breathed. ‘I want you.'

Those three simple words stole the oxygen from her cells. The words and the incredibly earnest glitter of Marshall's flecked grey eyes that watched her warily now.