Her Knight in the Outback (17 page)

‘I have...plenty, thanks very much. I'll go back to my career, reignite my friendships. Get a new place.'

Oh, such lies. There was no going back. She didn't even know how to be normal now.

‘And then what? What are you if you're not all about your brother, Eve? You've been doing this since you were barely out of school.'

Furious heat sped up the back of her neck and she surged to her feet. ‘Don't put this on me. You're choosing to protect him instead of me. How about we talk about that for a bit?'

He shot up right behind her and angry fists caught her upper arms. But he didn't shake her. It was more desperate and gentle than that.

‘I would
never
protect him, Eve. I hate what he's done to you. I hate that I found him sitting in a pub having a relaxed beer with friends while your soul was haemorrhaging hope
every single day
. I hate that he's got himself a new life when he was gifted with
you
in his old one.'

He said ‘you' as if that was something pretty darned special. The stress faults in her heart strained that tiny bit more.

‘I hate that he ditched you and your father rather than find the strength to work through it and that he didn't believe in your strength and integrity more.' He sucked in a breath. ‘I would never put him ahead of you. I'm choosing
you
. This is all about you.'

‘Then tell me where—'

‘I can't!' he cried. ‘He will disappear, Eve. The first sign of someone else looking for him. The first poster he sees in a neighbouring town. The first time his phone makes a weird noise. The next stranger who looks at him sideways in the street. He's dead serious about this,' he urged. ‘Please. Just let it go.'

‘How can I possibly do that?' she snarled.

‘You once told me that all you wanted was to know he was all right. To have an answer. And nothing else mattered. Well, now you know. He's fine. But you're shifting the goalposts.'

‘So, knowing is not enough! Maybe I do want him home, safe, with us. What's wrong with that?'

‘Nothing. Except it's not achievable. And you need to accept that. It will be easier.'

‘On who?'

‘While your head and heart are full of your brother, then no one and nothing else can get through.'

‘Are we back to that, Marshall? You and me?'

‘No. You've been painfully clear on that front. I just wanted...'

He couldn't finish, so she finished for him. ‘To save the day? To be the hero? Guess you weren't expecting to have to come back and be the bad guy, huh?'

‘I didn't
have
to be anything.'

‘You preferred to have me despise you?'

His eyes flared as if her words hit him like an axe. But he let her go and she stumbled at the sudden loss of his strength.

‘You bang on about your great enduring love for your brother,' he grated. ‘But you don't recognise it when it's staring you in the face. I chose
you
here today, Eve. Not myself and certainly not Travis. I am critically aware that the end of your suffering means the end of any chance for you and me. Yet here I am. Begging you to come back to the real world. Before it's too late.'

‘Reality?' she whispered. ‘Life doesn't get much realer than having someone you love ripped from you and held away, just out of reach.'

His eyes bled grey streaks. ‘Finally. Something we agree on.'

He pushed away and walked to the bus's back door. But he caught himself there with a clenched fist on each side of the doorframe. His head sagged forward and his back arched.

Everything about his posture screamed pain.

Well, that made two of them.

But he didn't step forward. Instead, he turned back.

‘You know what? Yes. Maybe I did want to be the man who took your pain away. Who ended all your suffering. Maybe I did want to see you look at me with something more heartfelt than curiosity or amusement or plain old lust.'

Haunted eyes bled.

‘You're halfway to being missing yourself, emotionally speaking. And if Travis was found, then you'd have no choice but to return to the real, functional, living world. And I wanted to be the man that helped get you there.'

‘Why?'

Frustrated hands flew up. ‘Why do you think, Eve? Why do any of us do anything, ultimately?'

She blinked her stinging eyes, afraid to answer.

‘
Love
, Eve.' So tired. So very weary. Almost a joke on himself. He made the word sound like a terminal condition. ‘I love you. And I wanted to
give
you your heart's desire if I couldn't be
it.'

‘You barely know me,' she breathed.

‘You're wrong.' He stepped up closer to her. Towered above her. ‘You spend so much time stopping yourself from feeling
emotion that you've forgotten to control how much of it you show. You're an open book, Eve.

‘I know you're heartbroken about Travis betraying you like this,' he went on, ‘and confused about loving him yet hating this thing he's done. I know you're desperate for somewhere to send all that pain, and you don't really want to throw it at me but you can't deal with it all yourself because you've closed down, emotionally, to cope with the past year. Maybe even longer. And it's easier to hate me than him.'

Tears sprang back into her eyes.

‘I know it particularly hurts you that it's
me
that's withholding Travis from you because deep down you thought we had a connection even if you didn't have the heart to pursue it. You trusted me, and I've betrayed you. Maybe that's the price I had to pay for trying to rescue you.'

She curled her trembling fingers into a fist.

‘I could have told you nothing, Eve. I could have simply kept driving after letting him know that you were all looking for him. Left you thinking well of me. And maybe I could have come back into your life in the future and had a chance. But here I am instead, destroying any chance of us being together by telling you the hard truth about your brother. So you hear it from me rather than from him.'

Her voice was barely more than a croak. ‘What do you mean?'

‘I've seen your route maps, Eve.' He sighed. ‘You would have reached his town before Christmas. And
you
would have found him drinking in that pub, and
you
would have had to stand there, struggling to be strong as he told you how he'd traded up to a better new life rather than the tough old one he'd left, and as he threw everything you've sacrificed and been through back in your face.'

She reached out for something solid to hold on to and found nothing. Because he wasn't there for her any more.

‘And you would have knocked on his door the next morning with takeaway coffee, only to find he'd cleared out, with not a single clue. And you would have spent the rest of your life hunting for him.

‘And so, even though it hurts like death to do this to you, I would take this pain one hundred times over to spare you from it.'

She stared at him through glistening eyes— wordless—as he stepped up closer.

‘I'm not fool enough to think there's a place for me here now, even if you did have some capacity in your heart. I wouldn't expect—or even want—to just slide into the emotional vacancy left by your brother. Or your mother. Or anyone else you've ever loved.

‘I deserve my
own
piece of you, Eve. Just mine. I think that's all I've ever really wanted in my sorry excuse for a life. The tiniest patch of your heart to cultivate with beautiful flowering vines and tend and spoil until they can spread up your walls and through your cracks and over your trellises. Until you've forgotten what it was like to
not
have me there. In the garden of your heart.'

He leaned down and kissed her, careless of the puffy, slimy, tear-ravaged parts of her. Long, hard and deep. A farewell. Eve practically clung to the strong heat of his lips.

‘But I can't do anything with the rocky, parched earth you'll have left after all this is over. Nothing will ever grow there.'

He tucked a strand of damp hair behind her ears and murmured, ‘Go home, Eve. Put him behind you. Put me behind you. Just...heal.'

This time, he didn't pause at the door, he just pushed through, jumped down to the ground and strode off, leaving Eve numb, trembling and destroyed in the little bus that had become her cage.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

Five months later

M
ARSHALL
SPRINTED
UP
the valley side to the cottage, sweaty from a morning of post-hole-digging and dusting the rich dirt off his hands as he went. He snatched the phone up just before his voicemail kicked in.

Landline. Not many people called that any more.

‘Hello?'

‘Marshall?'

A voice familiar yet...not. Courtesy of the long-distance crackle.

‘Yeah. Who's this?'

‘Travis Read.'

His heart missed a beat. ‘Has something happened?'

That was their agreement. Marshall would call twice a year to check in and, apart from that, Travis would only call if something was up. It had only been five months since they'd last spoken. He wasn't yet due.

‘No, I'm...uh...I'm in town this afternoon and wondered if I could come and see you.'

Since Travis only had his new Victorian phone number, not his new home address, ‘in town' had to mean Melbourne. That was all the area code would have told him. But what could Eve's brother possibly have to say? And why did he sound so tense? Unless it was recriminations. It occurred to him to question why he would have caught a plane anywhere since that would flag him on the Federal Police's radar and risk exposure. Unless he used a fake name. Or drove. Or maybe his family had taken him off the missing-persons register so that scarce resources weren't wasted on a man who wasn't really missing.

He'd given Travis one more go all those months ago for Eve's sake. Pointlessly tried to get him to change his mind, told him the damage it had done to his own life—in the long-term—to walk away from his family, as imperfect as they were. How it hadn't solved any of his problems at all—he'd just learned to function around them.

Or not, as the case may be.

But Travis hadn't budged. He was as stubborn as his sister, it seemed. And now he wanted to meet.

Irritation bubbled just below Marshall's surface. He was already keeping Travis's secret at the expense of his own happiness. Hadn't he done enough?

But then he remembered how important this kid was to the woman he was still struggling to get over and he reluctantly shared his new address and gave Travis a time later in the day before trundling back down the hill to the Zen meditation of punching three-dozen fenceposts into the unsuspecting earth.

About fifteen minutes before Travis was due, Marshall threw some water on his face and washed his filthy hands. The rest... Travis would have to take him as he found him.

About six minutes after their appointed time Marshall heard a knock at his front door and spied a small hire car out of one of the windows as he reached the door.

‘Trav—?'

He stopped dead. Not Travis.

Eve.

In the flesh and smiling nervously on his doorstep.

His first urge was to wrap her up in his arms and never, ever let her go again. But he fought that and let himself frown instead. His quick brain ran through the facts and decided that she was obviously here in Travis's place. Which suggested Eve and Travis were in communication.

Which meant—his sinking heart realised—that everything he'd done, everything he'd given up, counted for absolutely nothing.

‘How did you find him?'

‘Good to see you, too,' she joked. Pretty wanly. But he wasn't in any mood for levity. Not while he was feeling this ambushed.

‘I didn't find him,' she finally offered. ‘He found me.'

So Travis had finally found the personal courage to pick up the phone. Good for him.

And—yeah—he'd be a hypocrite if not for the fact that he'd since taken his own advice and done the same with Rick. His brother hadn't commented on the new mobile number but Marshall felt certain he'd tried to use the old one. That was why he'd yanked out the SIM and tossed it somewhere along the Bussell Highway the same awful night he'd last seen Eve.

The whole world could just go screw itself. Travis. Eve. Rick.

Everyone.

‘I was heading home,' Eve said now. ‘Backtracking through Esperance. My phone rang and I thought it might be you, but...it was him.'

The flatness of her tone belied the enormity of what that moment must have meant for Eve.

‘Why would you think it was me?' Hadn't they been pretty clear with each other when they'd parted?

She shrugged lightly. ‘I'd tried your number several times and it was disconnected, but—you know—hope springs eternal.'

On that cryptic remark, she shuffled from left foot to right on his doorstep.

Ugh, idiot.
He stepped aside. ‘Sorry, come on in.'

There was something about her being here. Here, where he'd had to force himself finally to stop imagining what the cottage would be like with her in it. It felt as if he'd sprinted up the valley side and into an alternate dimension where his dreams had finally turned material.

Inside, she glanced around her and then crossed straight to the full wall window that looked out over the picturesque valley.

‘Gorgeous,' she muttered almost to herself.

While she was otherwise occupied with the view, he took the opportunity to look at her. She'd changed, but he couldn't quite put his finger on how. Her hair was shorter and glossier but not that different. Her eyes at the front door had been bright but still essentially held the same wary gaze he remembered. She turned from the window and started to comment further on his view when it hit him. It was the way she carried herself; she seemed...taller. No, not taller—straighter. As if a great burden she'd been carrying around was now gone.

And maybe it was.

But having her here—in his sanctuary—wasn't good for him. It physically hurt to see her in his space, so he cut to the chase and stopped her before she offered some view-related platitude.

‘What are you doing here, Eve?'

* * *

Maybe she deserved his scepticism. The way they'd left things... Certainly, Eve had known she wouldn't be walking into open arms.

‘I'm sorry for the deception,' she began. ‘I wasn't sure you'd see me. We didn't really leave things...open...for future contact. Your phone was dead and your infuriating Government privacy procedures meant no one in your department would give me your new one. And you moved, too.'

She caught herself before she revealed even more ways she'd tried to reach out to him. It wasn't as if she'd been short of time.

‘Yet here you are.'

‘I guilted Travis into hooking this up,' she confessed. ‘He wasn't very happy about betraying you when you've kept his secret in good faith.'

Which explained the tension on the phone earlier. And the long-distance hum. ‘To absolutely no purpose, it seems, since you two are now talking.'

‘“Talking” is probably an overstatement,' she said. ‘We speak. Now and again. Just him and me at this stage but maybe Dad in the future. Trav reached out a few months ago. Said you'd called him again.'

‘I did.' Though it had never occurred to him that the contents of that call might some day end up in Eve's ear.

‘Talking about everything that happened is pretty hard for him,' she said flatly. ‘You were right about that. And you were right that he would have bolted if I'd pushed. He was very close to it.'

‘That's partly why I called him again. To make sure he hadn't already done a runner.'

But not the only reason. ‘Whatever you talked about, Travis got a lot out of it. It was a real turning point for him.'

Silence fell between them and Eve struggled to know how to continue. His nerves only infected her more.

‘So, you went home?' Marshall nudged.

‘I was paralysed for a few days,' she admitted. ‘Terrified of any forward move in case I accidentally ended up in his town and triggered another disappearance. You could hardly tell me which town not to visit, could you?'

She fought the twist of her lips so that it felt more like a grimace. Great—finally tracked him down and she was grinning like the Joker.

‘So I backtracked the way I'd come,' she finished. ‘That seemed safe.'

‘I wondered if you might still be in Western Australia,' he murmured.

So far away. ‘There wasn't anything to stay for.'

Travis in lockdown. Marshall gone. Her journey suspended. She'd never felt so lonely and lost.

‘So, here you are.'

‘Here I am.' She glanced around. ‘And here
you
are.'

All these months he'd been here, within a single day's mountain drive of her family home. God, if only she'd known. She would have come much sooner.

‘Do you know where we are?' he asked.

Not exactly warm, but not quite hostile. Just very...restrained.

‘The satnav says we're near MacKenzie Falls.' A place they'd both enjoyed so much on their separate trips around the country. ‘That's quite a coincidence.'

‘Not really. It was somewhere I wanted to come back to.'

Okay. Not giving an inch. She supposed she deserved that.

‘You gave up meteorology?'

‘No. I consult now. From here, mostly. The wonder of remote technology.'

She glanced out at the carnage in his bottom paddock. ‘When you're not building fences?'

‘Who knew I'd be so suited to farming.'

‘I think you could do pretty much anything you turned your hand to.'

‘Thanks for the vote of confidence. Now why are we having this conversation, Eve?'

She sighed and crossed closer to him.

‘I wanted to... I
need to
thank you.'

‘For what?'

Her fingers were frozen despite the warm day. She rubbed the nerves against her jeans. ‘The wake-up call.'

He crossed his arms and leaned on his kitchen island. Okay, he wasn't going to make this any easier.

‘When you love a missing person,' she started, ‘you can't grieve, you can't move on. You can't plan or make life decisions. So it just becomes easier to...not. It hurts less if you just shut down. And when one system goes down, they all do.

‘In my case,' she went on, ‘I coped by having a clear, single purpose.'

Find Travis.

‘And that was all I could deal with. All I could hold in my head and my heart. I developed tunnel vision.'

Marshall studied the tips of his work boots.

‘I once told you that if Travis walked in the door, healthy and alive, nothing he'd done would matter.'

He nodded. Just once.

‘Me dealing with it so maturely was every bit as much a fantasy as him walking in the door unannounced. Turns out, I'm not so stoic under pressure.' She lifted her eyes. ‘It matters, Marshall. It matters a lot. Even as I argued with people who warned me that he might not be alive, I secretly wanted them to be right. Rather than accept he might torture his family like this, deliberately. Leave us wondering forever. And then I hated myself for allowing those thoughts.'

Realisation dawned on his face. ‘So when it turned out to be true...'

She shook her head. ‘I'm very sorry for the things I said. The way I said them. I thought you were putting Travis ahead of me and that clawed at my heart. I'm sorry to say it took me days to realise that was what I did to you every single day. Put you second. The truth is, you sacrificed yourself—and any chance of us being together—for me. To help spare me pain.'

‘So you came to apologise?'

Could a heart swell under pressure? Because hers felt twice its usual size. Heavy and pendulous and thumpy. And it was getting in the way of her breathing.

‘You put yourself second.' After a lifetime of coming second. ‘For me. Not many men would have done that.'

His voice, when it came, was not quite steady. But still a fortress wall. ‘So you came to say thanks?'

She took a breath. Inside her long sleeves she twisted her fingers. Over and over. ‘I came to see if I'm too late.'

Marshall didn't move. ‘Too late for what?'

‘For that vision you had,' she said on a sad, weak laugh. ‘The timber cabin in the forest with the clear pools...and me. And you,' she finished on a rush.

And the making love twice a day part. She'd clung to that image for the many lonely nights since he'd left.

Marshall gave nothing away, simply pushed from the island bench and moved to stare out of his window.

‘You stuck with me, Eve,' he admitted. ‘I finished my audit and returned to Sydney, assuming that a little time was all I needed to get you out of my system. But months passed and you were still there. Under my skin like ink. I couldn't shake you. You were wedged in here.'

He tapped his chest with a closed fist.

‘But it doesn't really matter what my heart thinks because my head knows better. And if my life has taught me anything, it's to listen to my head.' He turned back to her. ‘I've walked away from much longer relationships than ours when they weren't good for me, Eve. Why would I set myself up to be the second most important person in your life?'

‘That's not—'

‘So, yes, Eve. I got the cottage in the forest surrounded by pools and, yes, I hope to be happy here. Very happy.' He expelled a long, sad breath. ‘But no...there's no
you
in that plan any more.'

A rock of pain lodged in her stomach.

‘At all?' she whispered.

‘You don't
have room for me, Eve. I'd convinced myself that you'd cast me as some kind of substitute for your brother but I no longer think that's true. I just don't think you have any emotional capacity left. And I deserve better than sorry seconds.'

She struggled to steady her breath. But it was touch and go. Every instinct she had told her to go, to flee back home. Except that when she'd come here she'd really hoped that
this
might turn out to be home.