Her Saving Grace (21 page)

That still didn’
t answer Damaris’ question, but she didn’t have the words to verbalise what she wanted to know.

“Now I look back on those times and realise that as much as losing Mark pained me, I would have lost so much more by closing myself off to
the agonies of loss, because when you close your heart to pain, you also close it to joy.”

“But what if-”

“What if what?” she cut Damaris off. “If another child had died? The same would have applied. Pain is part of life but you have to use it to measure the good times against, otherwise the pain can swallow you whole. Which is why,” she took the papers from Damaris’ lap, “I am forbidding you to do any work on this case after six o’clock. The evening is family time and while you are in my house, you will abide by my rules and spend time with my family.”

Damaris’ eyes opened wide. “But…”

“I know.” Isabelle smiled. “You feel as if these papers won’t let you leave them but don’t you see, you are hiding in work. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t find your father’s killer, or that you should stop your studies and experiments once you have caught the killer. I’m only asking that you not let your work or your father’s death rule your life because if you do, you will close yourself off from life and that never ends well.”

“I…” Her
eyes welled with tears. “I feel like I’m betraying him.”

“Betraying who?” Isabelle
frowned.

“Thomas
… my… my son.” Her tears spilled over and she seemed to be working hard to contain her grief. “I worry that if I love someone else, especially if I have another child, I’ll be betraying his memory.”

“
Assume that there is a Heaven, Mari, and that Thomas is up there; how would you feel if another mother up there took him under her wing and cared for him.”

Pain flashed over her features but after a second, smoothed out
into a smile. “All I ever wanted was for him to be happy, even if it can't be with me. I’d be glad that someone had his best interests at heart.”

“Because y
our son loved you, Mari,” Isabelle reminded her. “Do you honestly think that he would be upset if you shared your love with another child? Do you think he likes the pain you feel now?”

“No, of course not.”

“He would want you to be happy, don’t you think?”

“It’s not that easy,” Damaris declared, silent tears still running over her cheeks.
“I wouldn’t know where to begin.”

“
Even the longest of journeys begin with a single step. Decide to allow yourself to love again, my dear, and start doing small things to open up your heart to those around you.”

“How?”

“Well, trust is vital in all types of relationship, so you could try telling someone a secret, every day. You can start small, perhaps you stole an extra cinnamon bun at Christmas one year, then gradually work up to the important secrets.”

Damaris took her handkerchief and dabbed at her eyes. “I’m starting to see where Nate gets his insight from, you’re very wise.”

Isabelle looked surprised by her words. “Thank you, Mari, I think that’s one of the nicest things anyone has ever said about me.”

They shared a smile and on impulse, Isabelle wrapped her arms around Damaris and held her for a moment. When she pulled away, she put o
ne hand on the side of Damaris’ head; her thumb gently stroking her cheek.

“I would have been happy with any choice of bride that Nate made, as long as he loved her but I’m thrilled to know that he has chosen someone I can love also.”

Damaris’ eyes widened in either shock or fear, Isabelle wasn’t sure which.

“Now, now, you’re not an idiot, you know how he feels about you, child.”

“I… I know he cares for me but… marriage?”

Isabell removed her hand from Damaris’ face and took her hand instead.

“It’s a big step, I know. Even for those of us who haven’t suffered the pain of loss, it’s a daunting prospect, a choice you must live with for the rest of your life but try not to worry too soon.”

“Too soon?” Damaris looked puzzled.

“He hasn’t even asked you yet. Has he?”

“Well, no.” Damaris gave her a sheepish smile. “And…” she paused and took a deep breath. “I care very deeply for him also. I tried not to, I tried to see him only as a friend but I can't help it.”

Isabelle gave her a warm smile. “As much as it pleases me to hear you say that, I think that perhaps you should tell Nate as well.”

Damaris looked frightened for a moment but quickly seemed to get herself under control again.

“You’re right, of course. Thank you, Isabelle.”

“It was my pleasure, my dear. Now, what are we going to do about Ella
?”

Damaris’ happiness fled in an instant as she thought of the girl
’s suffering. “What do you want me to do about her?”

“What do
you
want to do with her?” Isabelle asked.

Damaris remained silent for a few moments and bit down on her lower lip as she thought.

“What I want to do is bring her home with me and cuddle and kiss her, read to her each night and tuck her into bed.”

“You want to mother her?”

“Yes.” She bowed her head. “I know it’s a foolish notion-”

“Not at all!” Isabelle cut her off. “She is still young enough that she will soon adapt to the aristocratic life.”

“But what if I do marry your son? We will have our own children.”

“I’m sure you will
, but that doesn’t preclude you taking in another child.”

“Will he want to raise someone else’s child?”

“I dare say the girl will capture his heart, just as she did yours.”

“But…” she was quickly running out of objections.
“Well, with this investigation, I won’t have much time to look after her.”

“Annabelle, Matthew and I can cope.”

“Matthew?”

“It’ll do him good, help prepare him for his own family. And don’t forget, we have a house full of servants to call on should we get into any bother.”

“I can't impose on you like that.”

“
Nonsense. It’s been far too long since we heard the patter of tiny feet around here and it’s about time one of my children gave me a grandchild.” She sounded miffed but the smile on her lips said that she was only teasing. “Until then, I will just have to make do by spoiling the ward of my future daughter-in-law.” She looked exceptionally pleased with herself.

“Now you’re just trying to make me feel guilty
,” Damaris argued, although her own sly smile said that she knew exactly what Isabelle had done, not only reassuring Damaris that she wouldn’t burden Isabelle but even making it seem as if she was doing Isabelle the favour.

“Is it working?”

“Yes.” She couldn’t stop the grin that formed on her lips.

“So, when are you going to collect her?”

“Collect her!”

Isabelle almost laughed as her happiness instant
ly changed to shock; imagining and agreeing to something was one thing, but facing the reality could be daunting.

“I suggest you collect her tomorrow, after your friend has visited; that will give me t
ime to have the nursery readied, then I can go into town in the morning and purchase some more clothes and other necessities for her.

“Yes.” Damaris swallowed down her fear. “Yes, that sounds sensible.”

“Good. Now, there’s just time for you to tell Nate before you change for dinner.” Isabelle kissed Damaris on the cheek and quickly left the room, before Damaris could change her mind.

Nate
was out in the stables, petting Casabian and feeding him carrots. He’d had the horse since he was a yearling and had schooled him. Standing over sixteen hands tall and pure black, save for a small white star between his eyes, he was an imposing horse at first glance but he had a gentle temperament, on the whole.

He was stroking the velvet soft skin between Casabian’s nostrils, when he heard the footsteps approach
ing and when he turned, he was surprised to see Damaris. She was dressed for dinner in a very fine, lilac gown; not something generally worn to the stables.

The sun was setting, lending what light there was a warm, orange tinge.

“I’ve been looking for you,” she said as she approached.

“I
needed to be alone for a while; clear my thoughts.”

“Your mother came to see me,” she began. “You
talked about me.”

‘
And didn’t say nice things
,’ he silently finished what he imagined her thoughts to be.

“We weren’t being unkind,” he told her. “We were- we
are
worried about you.”

“You think I’m cold and unfeeling,” Damaris stated. S
he began to walk around the stable, keeping her eyes on the stalls so she could avoid his gaze. Her movements and their voices drew more horses to their doors to watch.

“On the contrary,” he answered. “I rather thi
nk your problem might be that you feel things too deeply.”

She looked around, surprised by his answer.

“I think you were born into a family at war and the everyday, the small and not so small insults from your mother and brothers stung. Your father probably told you to be strong, to ignore them, while praising your intellect, so you tried to repress your pain and focused on broadening your mind. You came to believe that everyone viewed you as negatively as your mother did and so you developed a hard edge, to push people away before they could reject you. Sometimes I can almost literally see your intellect struggling to repress your emotions, but the two work best together, complementing each other.”

With each word he spoke, her
colour faded until she looked as white as a sheet. He stepped closer, wanting to comfort her but unsure of his welcome.

“I don’t care what you say,” he told her, reaching out and caressing her cheek with the back of his index finger. “I can see the real you. The woman who cares too much, the woman who feels too deeply, the little girl who’s
terrified of being rejected again.” He smiled tenderly. “You have done so much, survived much more, but you can't even see how special you are. I think you’re utterly amazing, Mari, and I want to spend the rest of my life showing you how wonderful you are, and how deeply I love you.”

“I can’t.”

“You have to,” he implored, cupping her cheek with his hand. “Each day you keep your emotions buried, a little more of you dies. I worry that one day, all you will be is intellect, but there is no place for intellect, without humanity.”

By the time he was finished, her lower lip was trembling. Tears welled in her eyes and spilled over.

“I’m frightened.”

“I know, my darling, I understand how painful life has been for you
, but can you honestly tell me that denying your emotions has made things easier?”

“I can function.”

“But the pain is still there, festering. Letting it out is the first step towards letting it go. Please, Mari, let me help you.”

“
I don’t know how.”

“Tell me how you feel about me, honestly.”

“I… I… care for you, very much.”

The disappointment he felt was palpable but he wasn’t giving in yet. Besides, he didn’t believe her.

“Kiss me,” he told her. She may not be able to tell him how she really felt but he could feel it in her kiss.

To his surprise, he didn’t need to ask twice and she stretched up to
kiss him, threading the fingers of one hand into his hair to pull his head down. He didn’t resist. She kissed him with more desire that he had ever experienced before and when they separated, both were breathing heavily and having trouble restraining the passion they had just ignited.

They stared into each other’s eyes, and he
wanted nothing more than to take her to the hay loft, throw her down and show her how much he wanted her, despite his earlier protests that he wouldn’t make love to her until she gave herself to him completely.

Casabian brought them to their senses, nuzzling Nathaniel’s shoulder and whinnying.

Damaris smiled. “Someone’s jealous.” She removed her hand from Nate’s hair and stroked the horse’s nose, causing him to whinny again.

“He likes you,” Nate told her, as Casabian nudged her shoulder.

“Is that a good sign?” she asked, moving closer to the horse.

“Sadly no,” Nate laughed. “Cas is rather indiscriminate with his affections, he likes everyone.”

“Did you break him in?”

“I did.”

“Then it speaks very highly of you.” She blushed and averted her gaze by kissing Casabian’s muzzle, but he didn’t know why she was uncomfortable.

“You like animals?” he asked, positioning himself on the other side of Casabian’s head and patting his neck, the horse ignored him however, preferring the stranger.

“What’s not to like?” she asked. “Animals have no artifice and many are loyal and loving.”

He agreed with her assessment. “Here.” He took a chunk
of carrot from his pocket and handed it to her, then saw her easy smile as the animal showed his appreciation by nudging her stomach.

The light was fading quickly now and hearing footsteps approaching, Nate turned to the end of the stables to see the head groom. He paused when he saw them.

“I just came to check on the animals one last time.”

“We’ll get out of your way,” Nate assured him. “I’m sure we’re already late for dinner and
I havent even changed.”

Damaris seemed loath
e to leave but placed one final kiss on Casabian’s muzzle, then followed Nate outside, surprised to realise that she hadn’t even told him what she came to say.

“I’ve decided to adopt Ella,” she said as they walked back to the house.

“Mother talked you into it. I assume?” His tone was neutral and she looked over at him, but it was now too dark to see much detail in his expression.

“She did.”

“Mother can be a force to be reckoned with when she wants, but don’t let her bully you into this. Don’t take that girl in unless you can love her.”

“
I don’t know if I can love her,” Damaris admitted. “But I very much want to try.”

Nate gave a curt nod but didn’t give away how he felt about this. He hoped that Dam
aris would love the child but given her losses, he wasn’t entirely sure that she was still capable of it.

***

Although it was a faux pas, he decided not to change as it would only delay them, and dinner even further. So she waited as he quickly washed, then they headed downstairs together.

While she supported his desire not to hold the meal up any longer, she was glad that she had changed. She
realised that just a few days ago, she would rather have endured their scorn than change needlessly, just to eat a meal but now, she found that she wanted to court their approval and actually feared their disapproval.

No one spoke about the child, Ella, at dinner and Damaris found that she was both relieved and disappointed. Part of her would be glad if the whole matter was
forgotten and the girl remained where she was but at the same time, she missed the feeling of her small hand, wrapped in Damaris’ larger one.

After dinner
, they listened to Annabelle play the pianoforte, reminding Damaris of her promise to play, then they played cards until it was time to retire to bed. As Isabelle kissed her daughter on the cheek, she asked if Annabelle would be accompanying her into the town next morning to, “buy clothes for our newest and littlest guest.”

Annabelle assured her that she would
, and Damaris realised that no one had forgotten about Ella.

Alone in her own room, she prepared for bed then sat by her window, looking out at the dark landscape below and wishing that Lilly was here to talk to. She could have felt safe leaving Ella in Lilly’s care and whi
le she didn’t expect the Copleys to hurt or abuse Ella, she did feel as if she was imposing on their hospitality, regardless of how much Isabelle had reassured her.

The truth was, she didn’t want the responsibility for the child and Lilly would have shouldered that responsibility for her, just as she had cared for Damaris in her mother’s stead as a child. Lilly would always know what to do when it came to children because she had such a nurturing nature.

The ticking of the clock on the mantle was soon the only sound, as the servants retired for the night, and Damaris found her thoughts drifting to Nate again.

She
had slept better last night than she could remember in a long time and before she could think too deeply about it, she pulled her dressing gown on and stole from her room, an oil lamp in hand to light her way.

Thinking he would likely be asleep, she didn’t knock but quietly let herself into the room. She could see his outline under the covers, so she blew the lamp out and let her robe fall to the floor, then she stole over to the bed and climbed under the covers.

She was just wondering if she should wake him or leave him to sleep when he spoke.

“I would say that I should put a lock on that door, but I know even that wouldn’t stop you.”

She could tell by his tone of voice that he was only teasing and made her way over to him.

“
Trouble sleeping?” he asked.

“Yes
.”

“
And me,” he admitted. He put his arm around her shoulders and pulled her to him. She settled into his side, her head resting on his chest and for the first time since dinner, she relaxed. She didn’t know if it was his presence, his warmth or the gentle, rhythmic rise and fall of his chest, but something about being here soothed her and her eyes soon began to feel heavy. Before sleep claimed her however, there was something that she wanted to do.

“Nate?”

“Mm?” he sounded sleepy.

“When
my mother said something particularly mean, I would sneak into her dressing room and cut some buttons off her favourite gowns.”

It was a silly secret really, a petty and underhand way for a child who felt powerless to exact some small measure of revenge. Her mother wouldn’t even have the hassle of replacing the butt
ons, that duty fell to her lady’s maid, but it did mean that her best dresses weren’t always available when she wanted them. However trivial the secret though, she had never told anyone before, not even Lilly.

Nate chuckled and his hand came up to stroke her hair.

“Thank you for telling me,” he said, then raised his head off the pillow to kiss the top of hers.

She smiled and allowed sleep to overtake her, thinking that this trusting business actually felt pretty good.

***

The next morning
Damaris awoke with a smile on her face and realised that she wanted to wake up like this every day, if she could. She realised that the only way that could happen is if they married, which could take as little as three weeks if they wanted. That thought struck fear into her heart, which dulled her happiness somewhat.

Her fear had changed however; it wasn’t so much commitment that she feared now, for she realised that she trusted Nate almost
as much as she trusted Lilly, her fear was for change.

She would have to leave her life and estate and come and live here, get used to Nate’s house and Nate’s friends. Things would be expected of her here that were not expected of her at home; and what if she failed to be a good wife?

Good wives didn’t study science, they didn’t write papers for science journals, they didn’t wear mens’ clothing. She didn’t think that Nate would stop her from doing those things but at the same time, she didn’t want to shame him in front of his peers. She couldn’t even dance properly!

She wasn’t
known for her cordial personality nor congeniality either.

“I can actually hear you thinking,” Nate murmured. “Go back to sleep.”

She glanced at the clock on his mantle. “Your valet will be here soon to wake you.”

He sighed but opened his eyes. “Well, at least I get to kiss you goodbye today.”

She smiled but it didn’t reach her eyes.

“What has you frowning and spoiling such a beautiful forehead?”

“Nothing, as you said, I was just thinking.”

“It is possible to overthink things, Mari. Sometimes you just have to relax and trust your instincts.”

That was all well and good when you were a confident man like Nate but more often than not, her instincts told her to run and hide.