Here With Me (20 page)

LISTENING TO RYLEY TALK
about how she felt when I was leaving for basic training really does a number on me. I’m that tough guy you read about – the one who doesn’t cry or show emotion no matter what’s happening. You learn to be like this, it’s taught to you. It’s what makes you stand out above the weak. But for the life of me, I can’t keep the tears at bay when Ryley relives the time I was leaving. We hadn’t been together a year, and I fully expected us to stay together. By all accounts, our relationship was backwards. It was me who thought about a future when it should’ve been Ryley. She never begged me to stay, only encouraged me to go.

Breaking up wasn’t an option for me. I had a life planned out for us, and I saw Ryley playing the part as my partner, best friend and my better half. Being at basic training with a girlfriend wasn’t unheard of, but a lot of the guys in my barracks didn’t have one so they didn’t understand that I wasn’t whole, that a part of me was still back at home wishing I was there helping her get ready for her senior year. Knowing Ryley was waiting for me is what pushed me to excel. I wanted to make her proud.

I pull Ryley into my arms and hold her. It’s really just another excuse to touch her, but knowing that I’m comforting her helps me try to make everything okay. I don’t regret enlisting. I regret not questioning my last mission, but there isn’t anything I can about that now.

Ryley pulls herself together and removes herself from my arms. The loss is felt immediately, but is easily rectified when I grasp her hand. Dr. Howard smiles, but quickly turns her head away. I’m certain that she doesn’t want to show any sign of approval on what I’m doing, but I’m certain that’s what her smile means.

“Evan, what was it like being away from Ryley?”

I clear my throat and look Ryley in the eye so she can understand what I’m about to tell her. We’ve never discussed my time at basic. It wasn’t something we needed to talk about when I came home.

“Being away at basic training was easy. I had a goal and was going to achieve it. During the day, thoughts of Ryley were the last thing on my mind. I focused on the task at hand. The classes. The push-ups. The runs. I pushed myself hard to succeed. My recruit division commander knew my dad, so he was hard on me. I welcomed it. When I was alone though, or had some downtime, she was all I thought about. Every thought was a memory from the past year and visions of future memories we were going to create. I’d listen to stories of other guys and see if I could picture Ryley and myself in their situation. Some I could and others, there was no way.”

“Like what, Evan?”

“Like her being pregnant and me being away from her. One of the guys had gotten his girl pregnant. He joined the Navy so that he could provide for his family. That’s an admirable thing to do, but it wouldn’t have been for me. I wouldn’t have been able to stay away.”

“But you left when she was pregnant with EJ,” Dr. Howard points out.

“I may have a double standard here, but if I’m eighteen and my girl is pregnant because I didn’t wear a condom, I’m going to stick around and help her. When Ryley became pregnant with EJ, we were trying for a baby and I was already invested in work. My job is just like yours.” I look at Dr. Howard when I speak. “You go to work and heal people. I go to work and save people. Different job, same result. My office is all over the world. You can’t cancel your appointments whenever you want and neither can I.

“Finding out she was pregnant changed my life. It kicked my ass. I asked her to marry me, which honestly should’ve happened years prior to that. As soon as I was done with basic, I should have proposed and we should’ve gotten married. I was taking her for granted. And that’s something I promise never to do again.”

“You’re very noble, Evan.” If I didn’t know any better, I’d call Dr. Howard a romantic.

“I’m not, Doc. I’m a man in love, and I have been in love with her since I was eighteen. Being gone for six years hasn’t changed how I feel about her, regardless of her wearing another man’s ring.”

Ryley shifts when I mention her ring. I’m counting down the days when she’ll be removing it and putting mine back in its place. It’s where it belongs.

“How do you feel about Ryley and Nate?”

I stiffen and so does Ryley.

“I really don’t want to talk about Nate,” Ryley mumbles. I agree with her. He’s not a topic that I really want to discuss. Dr. Howard rests her hands on her desk and looks at us.

“Hard truths will help you pave the path for the future, whether you guys end up together or not. If Ryley or you, Evan, don’t communicate and get all your feelings out now, this could come back to bite you. You’ve both told me how you feel, but you need to tell each other. I’m gathering that neither of you have openly discussed that part of her life.”

I shake my head slowly while biting the inside of my cheek. I’m not sure there is anything she can tell me that will take away this stabbing pain. Each time I hear about her and Nate, I feel like I’m being gutted and a pack of wolves are feasting on me. I hate thinking that she’s slept with anyone but me. I’m not a possessive man, but right now I feel like I am. I want to go all caveman and pound my chest while speaking broken English and pointing out that she’s mine. She always has been and if I have anything to say or do about it, she will continue to be.

“It’s not like I meant for –”

I pull my hand from her and raise it. “Stop,” I say. Truth is I don’t want to hear any excuses. It’s happened. Neither of them can take it back. Her, I’m willing to forgive. Him, I’m not even willing to try. “Anything you say can’t change the way I’m feeling. I feel like a broken record, defending myself over and over again. I didn’t die. I can’t control what the Navy does to me. I went off to do a job and when I came home, you moved on. To me, it’s like you’ve cheated. I know you were told I was dead, I get that, but it doesn’t and won’t change the way I feel about you or this situation.”

I can’t bear to look at Ryley when I hear her choke on a sob. My heart is racing, beating so fast with the energy I’m feeling that it’s making me agitated. My leg starts to bounce and I have an urgency to release this pent up aggression, but I can’t do it here. Not in front of Ryley. The thoughts I’m having about Nate will scare her. The devastation I want him to feel, the anger and hurt that I want him to live with, don’t even come close to what I’m feeling right now.

“Evan?”

My eyes turn sharply to Dr. Howard. She sits there calmly, knowing that I won’t do anything to upset Ryley. If Nate were here that’d be a different story. I can guarantee you that I will not attend any session if he’s in the room.

“Look, I get that we have to talk about him, but maybe today isn’t the best day. These past few days with Ryley and EJ have been a blessing, and I’m not interested in having a shitty attitude the rest of the day because we had to discuss the one thing keeping us from being together.”

“You’re already angry,” Ryley mumbles.

I turn toward her. “Of course I’m angry, Ry. I want to be with you. It’s damn near the only thing I think about when we’re on watch. Being next to you, hell being in the same vicinity as you, only increases my desire. I’m trying to respect that ring on your finger, and it’s killing me, especially when I want to throw you over my shoulder and carry you up to
our
room. So yeah, I’m angry.”

I turn away from her and bend at my waist, holding my head in my hands. With my eyes closed, I’m breathing in and out, calming myself down. Her hand touches the small of my back and heat radiates through my shirt and onto my skin. Does she feel the same way? Or have I suddenly become expendable?

“I’d like to talk about the time Evan came home from basic training.” Ryley’s voice is soft, but determined. I remember the day perfectly. I rest on my elbows, but can’t bring myself to look at her. I want to hear this story, so I’m going to sit here and listen.

“Go ahead, Ryley.”

“It was homecoming, and I wasn’t going to the dance. Lois had tried to get me to go with her and Carter. He was coming home for the weekend, but I didn’t want to be a third wheel. She kept pestering me and made sure I was included in all her shopping festivities. I remember telling Evan that I thought she was being a little annoying and that I was very okay with staying home. He told me to go and have fun.”

“And did you?”

This time I glance at Ryley and smile. She nods. “I did, but under protest. The night of the dance I decided that I didn’t want to go and that it was going to be too much since I had gone with Evan the previous year.” She shrugs and looks at me, her eyes twinkling with the memory of what awaited her. “I didn’t want to go to a school dance without him.

“It didn’t matter though because Lois all but dressed me, did my hair and dragged me to the dance. When we got there, the music was playing, and I started to scope out a spot along the wall to sit. As I started walking in that direction, the lights went out and two spotlights came on. One was focused on me and the other a little ways away. Lois whispered that I need to follow the light, so I did.”

“I was waiting for her,” I pipe up. “I had come home the night before and wanted to surprise her. Our moms and Lois helped me plan everything. I wouldn’t have been able to do it without them.”

Ryley smiles as I reach for her hand and lean back in the chair. “We talked for an hour or more each night,” she says.

“It’s unheard of, spending that much time on the phone while at basic, isn’t it? Did you think that was odd?”

She shrugs. “I was relishing in the moment, I guess. I found out later that he had graduated a week earlier, but wanted to surprise me.”

“What happened next?” Doc asks.

“The spotlight guided Ryley to me and once she reached where I was standing she jumped into my arms.”

“He was so handsome, decked out in his dress blues. I didn’t let go of him that night and broke my curfew. Rules be damned when Evan came home to see me.”

Doc Howard hands Ryley a tissue, and I watch as both of them dab their eyes.

“That was very romantic, Evan.”

I shrug. “Ryley made it easy for me to be romantic. I had never done a grand gesture like that with anyone before, but with her it’s something I thought about doing all the time.”

I lean over and place my lips just below her ear. Ryley leans into me, allowing me to hold her against me. When she does things like this, it makes me wonder just how committed she is to Nate or if he was simply someone to fill the void that I left behind. I could ask her, but putting her on the spot won’t earn me any valuable points and right now I need a stockpile of them if I’m going to win her back.

“I love you, babe,” I whisper before righting myself in my chair. Our hands, once again, linked for good measure.

I WANT TO SAY
today’s session was a breakthrough, but I’d be lying. When we arrived I was hopeful. Walking into a room that I dreaded last time felt different, almost refreshing. It was as if I wore sunglasses last time. I had a sense of calm and understanding this time.

Today, I wanted to be there with Evan. I thought we’d be able to make some headway, but wounds were torn open, both his, mine and ours. It’s a process; I think we both know that. I was foolish to think that one additional session was going to
fix
us. I had hope. I thought that I’d feel somewhat better. I don’t. I know I’m hurting Evan each day that I wear this ring. I’ll be hurting him more if I make the decision to keep wearing it. I’m hurting Nate, even though he’s not here, by thinking about a life with Evan, dreaming about the life we should’ve had.

Maybe I should go away. That might be best for everyone involved. EJ and I could find happiness elsewhere in some other state. He’s young enough to adapt… my thought about EJ adapting stops my thought process. If I’m so willing to leave and have him adjust, why can’t I force the issue with Evan being his father?

Because I’m a chicken shit, that’s why.

Evan drives, winding us through the streets leading back to our house. The sun is bright and bearing down on my face as I lean partially out the window. The air conditioner is blowing, but I want the wind in my face. I’m sure it’s irritating Evan, but right now I don’t care. I feel like a kid again and it feels amazing.

“Do you remember that one time –”

“That you went to band camp?”

I roll my eyes and sit up straight. “You just had to go there?”

Evan laughs and turns down the radio. “I couldn’t help myself. Babe, we must’ve watched
American Pie
over and over again until we had it memorized.”

“It was dumb. When Jim humped the pie I really thought you and Nate were going to try it.” I laugh at the memory, but my mood quickly turns somber when I mention Nate. I shake my head, clearing my thoughts. “Anyway, it’s a good thing I never let you try to whole flute thing.”

Loud laughter quickly fills the car, and I can’t help but join in. “You know I was joking, right?”

“I know, although at first I thought you might be serious. We had just started dating when you said it. I got a little scared.”

“You know I’d never do anything to hurt you or make you uncomfortable, right?” Evan reaches across the console and rests his hand on my leg. This is the first time he’s touched me since we left the therapist’s office. His fingers graze the inside of my thigh, creating a wave of goose bumps. I love the sensation, and honestly wish I could do something about it. I make a mental note to call and leave Nate another message. He needs to come home so we can deal with this together.