Here With Me (26 page)

Staring
up at the ceiling, she tried to forget about this terrible night, and then a thought drifted into her mind.  She picked up her phone again and scrolled through her contact list, stopping when she got to Ryan’s name.  She knew she should’ve deleted it from her phone, but she hadn’t, not after she’d worked so hard to find it again. 

Before she could think about what she was doing, she began writing him a text.

I miss you.  I want to hear your voice again.  I want to share my excitement with you because you’re the only one who believes in me.  I was stupid for pushing you away.  Do they give out awards to people for making the biggest mistake of their life?  Is so, I deserve a gold medal.

Her finger hovered over the SEND button. 
Reading through the text again, she felt like a weight had been lifted from her chest at actually seeing the words she’d been thinking since the day she’d sent him away.  At least she’d finally admitted it to herself, even if she could never admit it to Ryan.  She’d done enough to him by blaming him for her mother’s accident and pushing him away in order to make everyone else happy.  He didn’t deserve to be bombarded with her regrets when he’d gone on with his life, leaving her be, just as she’d asked him to. 

She slowly deleted every word, letter by letter, watching the confession disappear and the emptiness she’d felt every moment since Ryan left, returning.  When the words were gone, she stared at the blank screen for a few minutes.  Then as her heart pounded, she quickly began composing a new text.

It was good to talk to you.  Thank you for believing in me. 

Before she could talk herself out of it, she hit the SEND button.  She thought she might throw up when she realized her message was floating around somewhere in cyberspace, waiting for Ryan to see it.  She was sick with regret, but there was nothing she could do now, except wait. 

Twenty agonizingly long minutes later, her phone beeped.  She’d been quiet, lying on her bed, thinking about everything.  Doctors Without Borders.  Cole.  Her mother.  Ryan.  When the phone interrupted her thoughts, it surprised her so much, it nearly leapt out of her hand.  She steadied it though and nervously opened the phone.  Her heart started pounding when she saw it was from Ryan. 

It was nice to hear your voice too.  You’re welcome.

Her heart sank a little.  She didn’t know what to expect in his reply.  It had been perfectly cordial, but deep down, part of her wished he’d tell her how much he missed her.  Logically, she knew he’d never do that.  She’d dumped him…pushed him away and blamed him for everything bad that had happened.  She was lucky he’d even replied at all. 

She decided not to write anything back to Ryan.  There was nothing else to say.  Instead, she set the phone on her nightstand, crawled under the covers and fell into a restless sleep.

Chapter Thirty-Five

Her mother was already gone when she woke up.  Mallory wasn’t sure if it had been planned or not, but either way, she was glad to not have to revisit the conversation from the night before just yet. 

As she got ready for the day, she wondered when she’d hear from Cole as well.  She was surprised he hadn’t blown up her phone with texts and calls.  He hadn’t tried contacting her at all, which was very un-Cole like.  He was either really pissed or feeling guilty.  Either way, it didn’t matter.  She didn’t know what she was going to say to him when they finally did talk.  Something needed to be said.  Deep down, she knew what it was, but didn’t think she’d have the courage to say it.

Her phone rang just as she was finishing up and dread filled her stomach, figuring it had to be Cole.  She was relieved to see it was Grandma Jane.

“I hope you haven’t eaten yet, because I’m on my way over with muffins and coffee,” she said the moment Mallory picked up the phone.

“Okay.  See you soon,” she said, wondering what would bring her grandmother over so early.  Mallory couldn’t recall Grandma Jane ever spontaneously bringing over breakfast.  Her mother must’ve told her what had happened and she was coming over to put in her two cents.

She
walked in a few minutes later, looking as beautiful as ever in a pair of cream slacks and a silk, white blouse.  

“Hungry?” She held up the white paper bag and then walked into the kitchen, setting it on the table.  She sat down and pulled out a blueberry muffin.  Mallory joined her, taking out a poppy seed muffin and sipping the coffee her grandmother pushed towards her. 

“So,” Grandma Jane said, her face serious. “I’m not going to beat around the bush, Mallory.  Your mother told me what happened last night.”

“Oh?  And what did she tell you?”

“That’d you’d been accepted to that Doctors Without Borders program and that you might seriously be considering it.”

“I never said I was seriously considering it.”

“And why wouldn’t you?” her grandmother said bluntly, taking Mallory by surprise.

“What?”

“I asked why you wouldn’t be considering it.”

“Uh…because…I have responsibilities here.
  Mom…I have to take care of her.”

“Bull crap, Mallory.”

“Excuse me?”

“Enough of this.
  You have a life and you need to start living it.  You need to do what you want and stop worrying about everything else.”

“But, what about Mom?
  I mean, she’s still healing and if I hadn’t been gone that day…” she stammered, but her grandmother cut her off.

“Stop it,” she said firmly. “Stop blaming yourself for what happened to your mom.  It’s not your fault no matter how much you try and convince yourself it was.  Stop using it as an excuse to tie yourself down here.  If you want to do this, then
do it, damn it, and stop using everyone else as a reason you can’t.  If you really wanted to go, you would’ve already done it.”

“Grandma!”
Mallory exclaimed, shocked by how forthcoming her grandmother was being.

“Don’t look at me like you’re all offended or something.  You’ve done enough, Mallory.  You’re nearly 25 years old and you’ve hardly ever done anything that you want to do.  If you
want to do this, we will find a way.  Your mother will be fine.  She’s got me and even if you don’t believe it, I’m sure Paige would find a way to help.  It wouldn’t be forever, but you need to do this if you really want to.  Now, look me in the eyes and tell me if you want to do this or if you don’t.”

Her grandmother’s deep brown eyes were serious and she didn’t blink as she forced Mallory to think about what she wanted. 

“Yes.  I want to do this,” she admitted softly.

“Then do it.”

Mallory swallowed hard and nodded her head.  She did want it, but it was scary finally admitting it and knowing it could really happen. 

“You really think I should?  M
om and Cole, well, mainly Cole, think it’s ridiculous.”

“Screw them, especially Cole.”

Mallory couldn’t stifle her laughter.

“I thought you loved Cole.”

“I do like Cole, very much.  But what I think of him and what your mother thinks of him doesn’t matter.  All that matters is how you feel, and if I’m not mistaken, you’re not as fond of Cole as you’re pretending to be.”

A lump formed in her throat after hearing her grandmother’s words. 

“I love Cole, I do,” she began.

“But not how he loves you,” her grandmother finished and Mallory nodded, the lump growing larger as she admitted it.  She thought she could make it work.  She wanted to feel for him the way he felt for her, but if she were being perfectly honest with herself, she knew she couldn’t.  It was the same as when they were dating the first time.  She thought it might be different this time,
and it had been, at first.  Cole had been kind and supportive, but he wanted her to be someone she wasn’t.  He didn’t support her dreams.  He thought they were stupid and she knew she could never learn to love someone who didn’t encourage her to better herself.  He’d proven that, when instead of talking to her rationally about his feelings, he’d exploded and made her feel insignificant. 

“I thought I could, Grandma
,” she said, wiping a year away. “You all wanted me to be with him.  I just wanted to make everyone, especially Mom, happy.”

H
er grandmother’s hand rested on top of hers.  Her eyes had turned from the challenging stare from a moment before into soft remorse.

“I’m sorry we put that pressure on you.  I won’t try and say we didn’t, because we did.  Cole is a wonderful young man, but you don’t seem as happy with him as you were…as you were with Ryan.”

Mallory sniffled, wiping her messy eyes with the back of her sleeve.  It hurt to hear Ryan’s name and it hurt even more to know what she’d thrown away.

“I loved Ryan, Grandma. 
So much.  I pushed him away though.  I blamed him for what happened to Mom and I regret it more than you can know.  He never made me feel like wanting to do Doctors Without Borders was stupid, the way Cole did.  Cole never understood why I wanted to.  He wouldn’t even try to get it, but Ryan did and he supported me.  He encouraged me and you know what?” she asked, looking at her grandmother who raised her eyebrows. “He’s the one who finally sent in my application.  I didn’t even know he’d done it.  He just knew I’d never do it and he didn’t want me to miss the chance.”

Her grandmother looked away for a moment and Mallory wondered what was going through her mind. They sat in awkward silence until Grandma Jane finally brought her eyes back.

“I saw him too.”

“What are you talking about?” she asked, having no clue what her grandmother meant.

“At the McCain rally.  I saw Ryan on the TV too and I saw the way you looked at him.  I’ve never seen anyone look so sad and exuberant at the same time.  I didn’t say anything because Cole was there and I didn’t want to upset you any further.  Ryan is a good man and we didn’t give him a chance.  We had an agenda, and Ryan wasn’t part of it.  Maybe if we’d been nicer, more welcoming, you wouldn’t have felt the need to leave him and you wouldn’t be so sad.”

“I do miss him, Grandma. 
So much.”

“Then don’t miss out on this chance he has given you,” she said seriously.  Mallory wiped her eyes again and nodded.

Chapter Thirty-Six

She didn’t wait for Cole to call.  She got in her car and headed towards Ocean Avenue, pulling her car into the Hollins’ massive driveway.  She rang the doorbell and waited for what felt like an eternity before she was greeted by Mrs. Hollins’ smiling face.

“Mallory!
  What a nice surprise.  Come in,” she said, holding the door open.  Mallory walked into the hollow foyer and looked around, still in awe of the house. 

“Is Cole here?” she asked nervously.

“He’s in the game room, playing pool with his father.  I know he’ll be happy to see you.  He’s been a little mopey this morning,” Mrs. Hollins said and gave a knowing look, as if she knew Mallory was the reason for Cole’s sour mood.

“Thanks,” she said, not addressing Mrs. Hollins implication and headed towards the game room. 

She could hear the clanking of the pool balls and she peered inside.  Cole had just finished his turn and was bantering back and forth with this father.  Mr. Hollins spotted Mallory, his eyes focusing on her in the doorway.  Cole noticed and turned to see what his father was looking at.  A nervous smile spread over his face at the sight of her.

“Hey,” she said, stepping further into the room.

“Mallory,” he said, an air of relief streaming from his voice.

“I’ll leave you two to talk,” Mr. Hollins said, hanging up his pool cue and nodding to Mallory before heading out of the room.

Mallory closed the door behind her and walked cautiously to Cole.  He stepped towards her hesitantly. 

“I’m glad you’re here,” he said. “I was going to call you, but then I figured you wouldn’t want to talk to me.  You seemed pretty pissed off last night.”

“I was.”

“I’m sorry about last night, Mal.”

“What are you sorry about?” she asked curiously, wondering if he understood her frustration at all.

“For being a dick,” he said, cracking a smile and she couldn’t help but laugh.

“I just don’t think you’ll ever understand me, Cole,” she said once the laughter had faded.  Her voice was serious and Cole looked at her nervously. She broke his gaze and walked over to the couch, which sat in front of an insanely large TV.  Cole followed and sat down, leaving a cushion between them. “I’ve been thinking a lot about your reaction to my acceptance letter and I’ve gotta be honest, it hurt.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt you,” he cut in.

“I know you didn’t, but you did and it’s not the first time.  You’ve never supported me.”

“It’s not that I don’t support you,” he said, scooting onto the empty cushion and taking her hand. “It just freaks me out to think of you being so far away, someplace unsafe, somewhere you could get hurt.”

“I know it scares you.  It scares me too, but it doesn’t stop the fact that I want to do this.  I’ve wanted to do this for years, but every time I brought it up, you were so quick to point out how ridiculous I was being.  You didn’t care about what I wanted.  You only cared about yourself.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I know you’re sorry, Cole,” she said and then slowly pulled her hand from his and stared into his eyes.  He looked worried and she sighed, knowing he had good reason to be. “I did a lot of thinking since last night…well, since you went back to Harvard actually.”

“What about?” he asked, shifting uncomfortably on the
seat.

“Us,” she said softly.

“I had a feeling you were going to say that,” he said, trying to crack a smile, but his mouth wouldn’t let him.

“We gave it another shot.  I thought it might work.  I wanted it to work.  We all wanted it to work,” she said, fighting the lump in her throat.

“But, it didn’t,” he said softly, finishing her sentence.

“No, it didn’t.”

He turned so his eyes were looking forward, away from her.

“I’ve known for a while.  I
just didn’t want to accept it.  I know it was work for you to be with me and I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me, no matter how much I love them.” He turned his head to look at her for a moment.  She thought his eyes looked moist, but she knew he wouldn’t cry.  She’d never seen Cole cry. 

“I’m sorry, Cole.  I do love you…so much.  You have no idea what you mean to me, but I think we both know we’re only supposed to be friends, even if we wish we could be something more.”

“I’ve loved you since the eighth grade and I’ll probably always love you, Mallory.”

“I hope we can still be friends.”

“Me too,” he said, but they both knew things would be different now.  This break-up was final.  There were no more what-ifs.

“I want you to know I’m going to do it…Doctors
Without Borders,” she said quietly.

“I won’t jump for joy, because I’ll do nothing but worry until you get back safely, but I know you’ll be awesome at it.  I’m sorry I wasn’t more supportive.  Maybe if I had
been, you wouldn’t be dumping me,” he said with a slight laugh. 

She just wrapped
her arms around him and they held onto each other, knowing they’d never embrace like this again.