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How small a fraction of all the measureless infinity of time is allotted to each one of us; an instant, and it vanishes into eternity. How puny, too, is your portion of all the world's substance; how insignificant your share of all the world's soul; on how minute a speck of the whole earth do you creep. As you ponder these things, make up your mind that nothing is of any import save to do what your own nature directs, and to bear what the world's Nature sends you.

âMarcus Aurelius,
Meditations

Quoted from the Penguin Great Ideas Edition (2005), translated by Maxwell Staniforth

INTRODUCTION

F
riends, bros, countrymen, lend me your ears. For The Situation has come to give you the situation.

In my twenty-eight years of crushing it, I have come to one simple realization: Life is a battle. It's you against the beat, fist against the air, skin against the sun, hair against gravity, bicep against dumbbell, wingman against grenade, and Escalade against summer Friday traffic to the Jersey Shore. Some will leave the field victorious with a hot chick on their arm, while others . . . well, do I really need to embarrass them further by writing about them here?

In this guidebook you'll find everything you need to win the battle of life. From creeping to blowouts to fist-pumps to GTL, The Sitch will give you the tools to succeed. You must only follow me to glory.

As Per the Use of the Word “Guido”

E
ver since
Jersey Shore
blew up huge, politicians, pundits, and all kinds of other tool bags have been up in arms over the use of the word “guido.” For the record, it's not a word I use with any frequency. But it really doesn't bother me unless it's intended in a derogatory way, as an insult against Italians and their heritage. People who get their Calvins all twisted into a bunch over that word need to realize that when it's used by me in a group of friends, it's as a joking sign of affection and camaraderie that goes back to the days of prehistoric kindergarten when we all thought the tooth fairy was alive. It's about celebrating a unique lifestyle. A lifestyle that embraces a certain look, an attitude, and the philosophy of GTL and crushing it 24/7.

When people get all pissed off about the word “guido” or our adventures that get aired on
Jersey Shore
, I have a simple suggestion for them: Don't watch the show. Nobody is forcing you to turn on MTV on Thursday nights at 10:00 p.m. (check local listings). Just like no one is forcing you to hit the gym and the tanning salon. Or forcing you to read this book. Or, for that matter, forcing you to have this book read to you by a naked chick like I'm doing right now.

The Sorrentino family has a rich Italian heritage. We keep a book at home that chronicles our story and I'm very proud of that history. The last thing I'd ever want to do is alienate any of my fellow Italian-Americans over a misunderstanding or simple semantics. So chill out, Freckles McGee.

And now let's start crushing it.

PART I
:

As Per Pregaming: GTL and Beyond

one

GYM

B
y now the entire nation knows of my holy trinity of gym, tanning, and laundry, aka GTL. Let's take this thing from the top, with
G
.

As a certified personal trainer, a former professional underpants model, and a guy who looks like Rambo, pretty much, with his shirt off, I know a thing or two about physical fitness. Now, I may be blessed with superior genetics (see next page), but I still hit the gym hard for ninety minutes, five or six days per week. If you want to develop a situation of your own, you can't be half-assed about your workouts. And if you're not locking down the G, you don't deserve to move on to the T and the L. Because it don't make no sense to tan a flabby midsection. Or to obtain crisp laundry to pull over withered biceps. It all begins in the gym. And that applies to everyone, not just world-famous individuals like The Situation. If you skip the gym, you're not going to perform at the peak of your abilities, whether it be at a job in an insurance office or starring on cable TV's highest-rated show in its most coveted demographic.

My fitness situation comes down to three things: Lifting, Cardio, and Nutrition. Like how God is simultaneously the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, the Situation
is
Lifting, Cardio, and Nutrition. These are indivisible and eternal.

GENETIC SITUATION

I've been blessed from the very beginning with genes that make me a winner.

Lifting

Big is out and lean is in. It's important to have a well-balanced physique, but chicks dig two things: biceps and abs. Moreover, these muscles will come in handy on a day-to-day basis. When you go to the dry cleaner to pick up your fresh shirts, what muscle are you going to use to pick them up? That's right: your biceps. And what happens if, on the way home from the dry cleaner, you spill some protein shake on your shirt? You'd need a washboard to clean them before the stain sets, right? Good thing you'd be carrying a washboard at all times in the form of your abs. Interplay like this is why GTL is a rock-solid system. I've thought this shit out, bro.

Here's the program I follow for huge guns and ripped-up abs that shock and awe: