Highfall (4 page)

8

After Dick appeared in their lives, everything went haywire.  Because Annika and Dick couldn’t stand each other, Stefan spent his time either with one or the other.  That meant Annika saw Stefan much less these days.  But that was not the worst part: what was scarier was that Dick introduced Stefan to heroin.  Now things were serious, not to say completely hopeless.  Stefan's occasional marijuana smoking was now compounded with a dangerous and powerful new addiction.  Annika could not do anything because she realised that there was no longer any way she could save him.  By the time she became fully aware of what was going on, it was already too late.  His dose was quite high by then and the addiction had already spread through his veins.  Stefan never spoke about it.  Annika heard the details from Flame who, knowing that for Stefan there was no way out, was trying to at least save Annika.  He called her up once and asked if they could meet.  In an open-air cafe he told her what was happening, when it had started and how serious things were.  Annika was devastated.

“Run from him as fast as you can, Annika.  Save yourself.  There is nothing you can do except take care of yourself because Stefan won't.  What you had is gone.  Please don’t stick to the illusion of love.  The guy you once knew just isn’t there any more.  Escape and get over it!  You can’t even imagine what heroin does.  It changes people.  It’s already changed Stefan.  He is no longer the man you loved.  Save yourself before it’s too late.”

“I can't,” was all Annika could say.

Flame watched her with compassion.  He’d always liked her and regretted that he could do nothing to help.  They hugged and, after saying goodbye, Annika dragged her heavy feet home.

That is how they lived after that.  Most of the time Stefan had a strong desire to inject heroin and Annika had an even stronger desire to kill Dick.

****

Needless to say Stefan could not keep on top of his job anymore.  He was late for work, couldn’t concentrate on the jobs he had to do, and was extremely irritable most of the time.  Arguments with colleagues were becoming the norm.  With each passing day, his behaviour became less acceptable.  Excuses were made for him several times, thanks to his previous good reputation and the valuable knowledge he possessed.  But things were changing.  His brain was no longer sharp, his appearance put clients off and no-one felt comfortable working with him any more.  It was just a matter of time.  Everyone knew it was not possible he could be there for much longer.

One morning the bank staff found their floor totally destroyed.  Windows were cracked, desks overturned, papers lay all over the floor and there were blood drops staining the white walls. When the management watched the camera records, they saw Stefan injecting heroin and drinking whisky.  He was quite calm for about fifteen minutes but after that he became aggressive, started shouting, tossing chairs and papers around, punching the walls and cursing his bosses.  It was the last straw.  His career, as well as any chance of finding a job anywhere in the country, just died.  Stefan was blacklisted everywhere.

Unpleasant situations which made Annika furious inside were now snowballing.  Stefan's drug addiction was followed by his being sacked.  Loss of job was followed by being drugged to the eyeballs all night and sleeping it off all afternoon.  His new lifestyle meant that he did not drive her to work in the mornings, they no longer had breakfast together and she mainly saw him when he was high.  And all the above was followed by partying all night till dawn, with the requirement that Annika stay by his side.  That in its turn meant Annika was tired all the time, since she was able at most to sleep only two to four hours per day and then mainly during their car rides.

Stefan developed an obsessive fear of being alone.  He needed loads of people around him and the very small amount of time they spent together was always shared with at least four to six others.  Those people were with them in the car, next to them during the parties and in their apartment after the party.

Their nice cosy apartment had become a hotspot for drugs, sex and sleep for all those people. They were everywhere.  So as not to step on any of them, Annika had to look down at the floor when moving around.  She had to knock on their bathroom door to avoid accidentally seeing someone naked, or shooting up, or having sex.

She began to spend the least possible amount of time at home, took on overtime and found comfort in her desperate patients.  She was as desperate as they were – if not more so.  With each day going home became more difficult.  And the greatest irony of all was that she could never find time alone with Stefan in an undrugged state to talk about it.

That's how they lived.  For months ... They were drifting apart, losing the connection.  Stefan was losing control, and Annika was losing her mind...

9

The apathetic state Stefan was getting into after injecting scared and irritated Annika.  His vacant look and uninvolved behaviour proved that things were serious, that she was losing the battle and that most probably she would not get Stefan back the way he had been.  This last was the most painful realisation.  She tried just about everything, but nothing seemed to work.  She was ready to do anything to shake him out of his apathy but, as time passed, Stefan was sinking ever deeper.

Annika was so desperate that she even almost killed them once.  It was yet another grey day, like all the days in her life had been recently.  Another grey, meaningless, empty, painful day... She was driving and Stefan was slumped next to her.  He was almost lying down in fact. As always at that time of day Stefan was high and indifferent.  Annika wanted to shake him, to provoke him and to make him come back to life at least for a second.  She wanted him to feel something.  It didn't matter what... Just to feel something so she knew he was alive or at least he knew there was someone who cared...

Feeling as if she'd got nothing to lose, she decided to touch on the most extreme and painful topic – death.

They were at a crossroads, waiting at a red light, when she said:

“You always talk about death Stefan, you want it to come, and you want to stop existing... What about today?  Are you ready to die now? – Let's do it and finish everything.  We both know that everything is already finished anyway, so what the fuck?”

Annika's eyes filled with tears.  Tears were not there because of what she said or planned to do.  They were there because she knew that even if she did do it, nothing would change anyway.  And in some way, for her that was worse than death.

He looked at her and smiled.

“You think you're brave enough?  You think you've got the guts?  No, my dear, you’re too weak and too scared to do it.  I don't believe you can, so don't even try.”  He turned his head and looked out of his window.  For him the subject was closed.

Annika had wanted to provoke Stefan, but what actually happened was that Stefan’s words touched painful wounds and Annika lost her emotional balance.  She lost control...

Annika stood on the accelerator as hard as she could.  The pedal hit the floor and the car flew ahead.  She saw the lamp-post ahead, turned the wheel and headed straight for it.

Stefan didn’t try to save the situation as he had the day they met – at the bus stop.  In fact he didn't even move.  The car sped straight towards the pillar.  Just a few more seconds and then the sound of the crash rent the air.  The lamp-post buckled in half, the whole front of the car was completely smashed.  Annika's legs took the impact, but emotions masked the pain.

Stefan looked at her, took off his glasses and chuckled.

“Bravo, you did it!”

His face expressed nothing.  The apathy was there as before and the crash had not touched him at all.  Annika could not stand the empty look in his eyes anymore.  She got out of the car and cried at him.

“Fuck you!”

He did not move. Annika stopped a passing taxi and got in, leaving him there.

She sat in the taxi, her legs trembling, crying uncontrollably.  She had had too close a brush with death, but even that was not enough to make things better.  She felt helpless and already knew for sure that there was no longer anything more that she could do.

Meanwhile Stefan sat in the car as before.  He did not move, nor did he feel anything.  All that went through his mind was that in about two hours the effects of the drug would have worn off and he had to be home before that to take a new shot.

****

When he got home, Annika wasn’t there.  This was how his home would be without her, he thought, empty, cold and unpleasant.  He did not want to lose her but knew he was going to, unless something very dramatic happened.  It did not take him too long to understand which two options they had.  In his drug-disillusioned mind, quitting drugs was no option, letting her help him get out of it was not an option... nor was rehab an option either.  He did not really want to quit because, despite the damage drugs did to him, they helped him endure his pain.  The pains he had because of his disease were unbearable but drugs seemed to make things better.  While they did not kill the pain, they brought such apathy that nothing mattered anymore – not even the pain.

He considered his options again and his damaged mind confirmed that there were only two.  Option one was to get married and make Annika have their child.  They had discussed the issue several times, since he had always wanted kids, but each time Annika refused.  She was too young; he had a genetic disease; she did not want such a responsibility; he was a drug addict – her arguments were many and all of them were well-founded.  Stefan knew she was right, but his desire was stronger and he did not give a shit about any of her arguments.  He thought that if she loved him as much as she said she did, Annika would do it for him, even if she didn't want to.

The second option looked less cheerful, but was equally compelling and would completely change the situation – much more drastically than the first one.  Stefan thought that if he couldn't have kids, then there was no sense in living.  Not because he wanted kids that much, but because he knew that if it didn’t happen, then things would never get better and sooner or later Annika would leave him.  And then his home would be as empty, cold and unpleasant as it was now.  He would be alive but dead inside.  So the word suicide was turning around the second option.

Annika came home later in the evening.  She walked the streets just to kill time.  She sat in the park for a few hours thinking and, unlike Stefan, could find neither a solution nor reach any conclusion.  She just could not go home and look at Stefan... not yet.  She needed time to gather her strength and patience.  When it started getting dark, she headed home.  No matter what happened she still had the feeling that she belonged there and with him.  Maybe that's what bothered her so much – the realisation that she would not be able to leave him, no matter what happened.

When she came in she saw Stefan pouring coffee with trembling fingers.  The time for his fix had passed half an hour ago, but he wanted to talk to her before taking it and had decided to wait a bit more.  The strangest thing is that it had never even occurred to him that she might not come back.  He knew she would and that certainty made him warm inside.  He felt good about it, regardless of what deep shit they were in at present.

She looked at his trembling hands and felt the reality and pain hit her chest.

“Want a cup of coffee?” he asked.

His voice was concerned.  He did not ask where she’d been and what she’d been doing, because he suspected the answer and knew that he would not like what she'd say.

“No, thanks.  I am already quite jumpy without it.”  Her voice was weak and she felt weary.

Annika sat on the floor with her back to the wall.  She pushed off her shoes with her feet and closed her eyes, leaning her head against the wall.  Stefan watched her with the coffee cup in his hands and felt how much he loved her.  He knew that it was he who was destroying everything between them and creating the barrier, but there was nothing he could do. 

Stefan came closer, sat next to her and hugged her tight.  She put her face on his shoulder and started sobbing uncontrollably.  The tears poured out and replaced the unspoken words.  He could hear the unspoken words though,  “Why are you destroying what we have and which is so precious?”  “What have I done wrong?”  “Why isn't our love stronger than drugs?”  “Is there a way to save us?”  “I don’t want to lose you.”  “I don't want to lose us.”  “Please come back!”  “I miss you”.  The tears poured endlessly; his shoulder absorbed the unspoken words.

They sat like that for hours, each enveloped in their own misery.  Annika was sunk in the feeling of loss and Stefan in the uncontrollable desire for the drug.